How should I handle what happened last night?

[OrangesandLemons1234]

Name change for this for obvious reasons. I’m after some advice on what you would do in my situation...

My partner and I have a young DC (a good bit under one). I am the primary carer due to being on maternity leave currently. He works full time but is involved with the baby as much as he can be around it. He is very good with the baby and although found the first few months of parenthood challenging (who doesn’t) is an excellent father.

So as not to dripfeed I should also say that partner is not a big drinker. A few drinks here and there but has never had too much and no history of problems etc.

So, last night I had a day and into the evening out with friends and partner looked after the baby. This isn’t the first time he’s looked after the baby on a weekend and never any problems. I checked in a few times yesterday while out and he said all was fine.

When I got home late evening I could hear screaming/shouting. I went upstairs to find baby in the cot distressed and crying, and partner shouting/ranting (in a different room) about how fed up he was / why wouldn’t the baby shut up. As I came into the room and asked what was going on, it became clear that he was drunk. Slurring etc. He said it had been a hard day, the baby wouldn’t stop crying, he’d tried cuddles, bottle etc and was at his wits end, and admitted he’d had quite a lot to drink during the evening, one led to another etc. There was no one else in the house aside from him and baby. He was quite defensive at the time (due to being drunk) so I cared for baby and went to bed.

I feel shocked that he allowed himself to get so drunk in sole charge of the baby and also that it’s so out of character for him. I’m also a bit horrified that he had left the baby crying for clearly a long time and that he let the baby get into such a distressed state. I keep thinking what if... I hadn’t come home then, or whatever. Obviously no harm actually came and nothing like this has ever happened before, but I’m doubting what to do about it (if anything) this morning. He apologised unreservedly first thing and said he shouldn’t have got into that state, and would never do so again, so he does know it was wrong.

Would you discuss it any further with him? Would you be worried about leaving him with the baby in the future in any way? I don’t want to overreact but I’m also a bit concerned about what happened...

Never leaving the baby with him again is unrealistic, unworkable and frankly daft.
You need to talk and work together, to ensure it never happens again.
That will work better in the long run than the knee jerk reactions on here. And if it doesn't, well, then you would be better off leaving.

Honestly I would be ending the relationship and also getting the baby checked over by a medical professional :(

Do not leave that baby with him again. Ever. How can you excuse such behaviour? You came home to find your baby frightened and him screaming his head off drunk? And you’re making excuses for him. Why is he even still in your home. Tell him to get counselling.

I'd be bloody horrified to come home to that. And I'm quite relaxed about having a couple of drinks even shock horror in charge of a child! But for him to be slurring his words drunk, shouting and swearing, whilst your baby is distressed? Huge huge red flag and I'd be seriously considering how to move forward.

Could you honestly say if you had been staying out last night you trust him 100% not to handle the baby roughly or shake the baby
100% this. If he was so drunk he was ranting out loud to thin air, he was showing a VERY worrying lack of self control. I'm not normally one to catastrophise, but thank goodness you came home when you did. I'm not sure what your best actions are going forward, I honestly don't think I could ever forgive this.

The people who are berating him for going in to another room to shout and let out his anger are normally the ones telling struggling mothers that it's perfectly fine to do so.

I think your suggestion that he had a drink (or 4) once the baby had gone down then baby woke and wouldn't settle it's probably the most accurate.

He knows what he's done, he's acknowledged and apologised and it sounds like the straw that's broke the camels back.

Do help him get some support. Remove alcohol from the house if you need to.

You dont know that he hasn't already shaken the baby before you got home, that he wasnt roughly handling him.

To cover yourself too, please get the baby checked out.

I wouldn't leave the baby with him again, for a while at least. What if he does this again?

I couldn't enjoy myself while I was out, with him in charge, I'd be constantly thinking "what if..." and worrying, ringing to check how things were, panicking of he didn't pick up. Do you have any alternate child care options, so you can still go on at least the odd night out/special occassion in the mean time (until you see how dh's state of mind is/has been, in a few weeks).

I actually wonder if there's more to this.
To be so stressed with work suggests that work is an issue that needs addressing.
Yes, he may have issues related to the change in circumstances, but it seems that he only drank regarding work after baby was asleep. Obviously short sighted, but again goes back to the job issue above.
I also think that refusing to let him have 1:1 time is defeatist unless you intend separating over the issue?
I wonder if he just needs to have more time to build up to full evening or day contact alone. When you're the one doing the majority of the care, it IS easier to soothe etc. And actually credit where credit is due, he couldn't manage baby's crying and did the right thing, left baby safe and walked away. Who knows if the mum had returned after he'd blown that steam off the situation could have been improved and baby calmed. However I don't dispute that I wouldn't be happy with him being so drunk.
I think that a discussion about how moving forward neither of you are to drink if alone with the child is the way to go. Build up alone time. And address the work issue and the underlying stress issues.

I think it sounds like a learning experience for him, one that we’re all on when we first become parents. He had a bit too much to drink, didn’t expect the night to pan out as it did. The chances are the baby wouldn’t settle precisely because he was drunk and unable to care for him/her properly. It sounds like he’s learned that the hard way.

As for him shouting, don’t we all get frustrated? Why do we tell mums to put the baby down and leave the room and why wouldn’t that apply to dads? He done exactly the right thing in putting the baby down and leaving the room.

I would never trust him again, which makes him a parent who can't be trusted with his own infant child, does that make him pointless??
I don't know if you can work through this but if he is displaying much in the way of defensiveness or dismissiveness I would not be optimistic

I think all of us have got to the point with kids where we've had to walk away and give yourself 10mins.
Many of us have had a drink after kids/baby settled for the night.

He explain what happened baby settled and he had a drink I can't believe that people on hear haven't done that and baby woke and wouldn't settle.
Rather than getting stressed trying to settle them walk away take 5 .The more you are stressed the more baby stressed and they won't settle.

A sensible calm discussion today would be the thing to do .

A lot of double standards and ridiculous overreacting on this thread!

“He is very good with the baby and although found the first few months of parenthood challenging (who doesn’t) is an excellent father.”

Sounds like a whole day/evening took a toll as he doesnt usually do such a long stretch in one go (especially after a long week at work). Not being around the child as much as you, he perhaps has fewer/less effective soothing strategies and or unrealistic expectations over how easily your child will settle. Just cut down the amount of time he has alone for the time being, ie make it evening OR day, discuss some soothing strategies he can try with DC and take it from there. Ignore the overreactions on here.

What was his own childhood like OP?

My ex had an awful childhood and just couldn’t cope on his own for a full day with the dc when they were young. I think it triggered too many memories for him, making him even more stressed.

Of course you need to talk to him about this. Ask him why he drank so much when responsible for a child. Personally I'd never leave him alone with the again. Awful. Why didn't he ring you if he found it so stressful?

OK lets not hang him just yet!

I had this happen once, it was a VERY stressfull time my then wife was in a pyschritric hospital with very severe PND they called it purperal psyhsoicis, scuse spelling ! I was having to look after babe a lot younger then this one , sometimes assisted by my mum, and by and large we coped exepct that one night she just howled and wailled the like of which i never heard before.

Tried all the usuall things she didnt want her bottle, was winded clean nappy but she would not calm down in the end I left her in her cot and went downstairs and turned up the telly loud so i couldnt hear her anymore.

She did sleep, and slept all night, and was fine the following day.

It I think for some men its a very stressful thing hearing a baby cry I feel unsettled when DGD 1 is and I'm not her dad!

As to the demon drink it is a self perpertuating thing. A drink!, then well just another and once the mind is affected then another and away we go. I suspect that other things are on his mind and he just overloaded and lost it hence the rant.

You know him better then we do OP and best to see if you can get him to talk about whats bothering him. I very much doubt he'd harmed the baby he was the one who is/was in need of some help and is now i suspect very very much regretting last night and it may well be difficult to get him to open up and talk, men are sods about doing that, we're always bought up to keep that stiff upper lip and never expose or express any emotions or other things that are bothering us, been there and had the issue another time years ago!

See if you can talk to him and hope its resolved from thereon!

@UYScuti
A bit silly.If you separated every child from every parent in the UK who had momentarily lost their cool (obviously physical violence not included) you’d have a few million kids to relocate!

I agree though, shouldn’t be having more than a small glass of wine with a baby around. Need to be very on guard when they’re that young, but sounds like he is aware of his stupidity.

The drinking thing doesn't add up to me. I find it unlikely that someone goes from an occasional pint to getting slurring drunk while home alone with a baby. I think you need to delve deeper into that one. I think in any case, he needs some professional help to deal with his emotions at the moment.

Yes, it’s a good idea to put baby down and walk away if you’re getting upset / angry. But going in to the next room and screaming, shouting and swearing while slurring your words because you’re wasted? I don’t think there are double standards at all - a woman would be crucified for doing this and immediately declared an unfit mother by the masses.

And BTW when my our twins were two months old, DT2 was readmitted to hospital very sick and I had to stay with him 24/7 for 11 days. DH was at home caring for DT1 alone, no family to help and he’d never even changed a nappy before our two were born. So let’s not pretend that men are so incapable that they can’t manage to look after a baby for one day and evening.

I can’t think of a worse way to cope with a screaming baby, that’s no excuse. Mum probably had a mobile on her, gran and grandad may be around and friends may help, turning to the bottle is an awful sign.

You need to sit down and talk about this. He has to promise never to drink any alcohol, not even ‘just one to relax’, when he’s alone with the baby.

But banning him from looking after his child would be harmful to you all.

Obviously rethink if he did ever break the no-alcohol rule.

I think for some men its a very stressful thing hearing a baby cry

Yes indeed - and women aren't affected at all.

MN never ceases to amaze and delight

I would leave him. No question.
I'm sorry.
What if baby had got sick. Choked. Had a fit. Needed medical attention.
He could not have dealt with this. It would have been the end for me.

You got home and could hear screaming and shouting. So he was drunk and screaming at your terrified baby? You both need reporting to social services. It’s abuse.