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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How should I handle what happened last night?

176 replies

OrangesandLemons1234 · 01/03/2020 09:13

Name change for this for obvious reasons. I’m after some advice on what you would do in my situation...

My partner and I have a young DC (a good bit under one). I am the primary carer due to being on maternity leave currently. He works full time but is involved with the baby as much as he can be around it. He is very good with the baby and although found the first few months of parenthood challenging (who doesn’t) is an excellent father.

So as not to dripfeed I should also say that partner is not a big drinker. A few drinks here and there but has never had too much and no history of problems etc.

So, last night I had a day and into the evening out with friends and partner looked after the baby. This isn’t the first time he’s looked after the baby on a weekend and never any problems. I checked in a few times yesterday while out and he said all was fine.

When I got home late evening I could hear screaming/shouting. I went upstairs to find baby in the cot distressed and crying, and partner shouting/ranting (in a different room) about how fed up he was / why wouldn’t the baby shut up. As I came into the room and asked what was going on, it became clear that he was drunk. Slurring etc. He said it had been a hard day, the baby wouldn’t stop crying, he’d tried cuddles, bottle etc and was at his wits end, and admitted he’d had quite a lot to drink during the evening, one led to another etc. There was no one else in the house aside from him and baby. He was quite defensive at the time (due to being drunk) so I cared for baby and went to bed.

I feel shocked that he allowed himself to get so drunk in sole charge of the baby and also that it’s so out of character for him. I’m also a bit horrified that he had left the baby crying for clearly a long time and that he let the baby get into such a distressed state. I keep thinking what if... I hadn’t come home then, or whatever. Obviously no harm actually came and nothing like this has ever happened before, but I’m doubting what to do about it (if anything) this morning. He apologised unreservedly first thing and said he shouldn’t have got into that state, and would never do so again, so he does know it was wrong.

Would you discuss it any further with him? Would you be worried about leaving him with the baby in the future in any way? I don’t want to overreact but I’m also a bit concerned about what happened...

OP posts:

THATscurryfungeBITCH · 01/03/2020 10:23

This would be a dealbreaker for me op

Deathraystare · 01/03/2020 10:23

Whatever is the matter with grown-arse men? Do they think their wives normally wave a magic wand and the baby magically cheers up? No reliance on the idiots. They don't care what you have to put up with day in and day out as long as it is all sorted out by the time they come in. And God forbid you ask for a little help. Tossers.

WindyRose · 01/03/2020 10:23

Inexcusable on every level, considering what could have gone wrong. No way could you will ever trust him again. Sorry for the baby and hope he/she will be OK, poor bub must have been terrified.

OscarWildesCat · 01/03/2020 10:24

I think I'm in agreement with those saying you need to tackle this gently, perhaps he is struggling and needs a bit of support. If your OH isn't a big drinker it may well have been one drink that took him from absolutely fine to drunk, an error in judgement, yes. All those saying they'd kick him out etc is for me, way over the top, if this was a regular occurrence, yes, but it's been a one of for which he genuinely seems to be remorseful. Talk OP and keep talking to him. Oh, and he isn't, "babysitting", hes looking after his own child ffs.

Leda82 · 01/03/2020 10:29

Please please take the advice given by the post who work in safe guarding. They have given you sound advice based on experience and not opinion. I too work in safe guarding and what you have said is deeply concerning.

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/03/2020 10:29

It wasn't like she got in, he was drunk, baby ok though?

She heard shouting and screaming. Screaming, from someone on their own with a baby about the baby. I may have cried, I may have even said 'for god's sake' at my baby but I wouldn't shout or scream for some continuous time. It's a total loss of control, which you just can't have around a baby.

museumum · 01/03/2020 10:30

I think this is a huge cry for help and you need to talk about it with him and agree rules together about drink and about calling for help. He really fucked up. But I read in the op he was in another room letting off steam and not shouting at the baby (as many pp have said). Looking after an inconsolable baby IS hard (no idea why a pp said it isn’t).
I’m pretty sure from experience that this one incident would not be enough to stop access so even if you left him the child would have a right to a relationship with him.

Original poster

OrangesandLemons1234 · 01/03/2020 10:31

I think last night my reaction was immediately for the baby - I didn’t speak to my husband apart from when I came in asking what was going on, and then just told him to leave us alone and go to sleep in the spare room. This morning we haven’t spoken aside from very briefly where he gave a small explanation for what happened and apologised profusely and said it would never happen again. He does seem genuinely remorseful. Not that it takes away from what he did.

I think my initial reaction was pure shock and instincts to see to the baby. Now it’s turned to a huge amount of anger. I am terrified thinking about last night again this morning. We all struggle sometimes looking after a baby and I can’t say I’ve never had to have a little cry when the baby is crying non stop but this is obviously so different.

I do think he is probably suffering from post natal depression - or similar. There has been a LOT going on for us in the last year as well as having the baby. He hasn’t seemed to cope well with it but obviously NOTHING like what happened last night. He’s always been incredible around the baby - as much as I’ve seen anyway.

I’m a sobbing mess this morning to be honest. But I’m sure he needs help and I am going to demand that he gets it. And try to work through this. And in the meantime absolutely no one on one time with the baby.

OP posts:

Kikkoman · 01/03/2020 10:31

Ive been thinking about this since my first post.

I’ve lost my shit before and gone in another room and shouted. Never in the same room and baby was perfectly safe.

What would bother me I’d you don’t know if he shouted at baby or in what manner he was holding him or how they put them back in the cot.

You wasn’t there and will never know.

ukgift2016 · 01/03/2020 10:33

I would not leave the baby alone with him again and keep an eye out for other red flags.

billy1966 · 01/03/2020 10:34

I am so sorry for you OP.
Unbelievably upsetting for you.

I agree with @BobbyBlueCat

This is so serious.
No wonder you can't look at him.

You obviously now have been put into a situation where you could never trust him with a child.

To be in such a state to be screaming and shouting is so dreadful.

Your baby was without out a doubt in huge danger before you came in.

I honestly don't know how I would come back from that.

You will never be able to say that he hasn't the potentially put your childs life in danger.

This doesn't just warrant a serious chat.
This is huge.

I think he should leave the house and go stay somewhere else while you both figure out what is going on.

Definitely get support IRL.

I really feel very sorry for you.

SebastienCrabSauce · 01/03/2020 10:34

Honestly, I left my ex over a situation virtually identical to this.
I felt I couldn’t trust him with our baby son and so it inevitably lead to our split

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/03/2020 10:35

Op you must feel sick to the core inside I would be..This cannot ever happen again nor can your child be placed with him without supervision ever again...Your priority is your child not him..he needs help and I would suggest if he is remorseful he gets up off his backside and goes and finds the help and addresses his issues. Everything inside me would depend on him seeking outside help before this relationship can continue.Only then will you know for sure if he is genuine by the next steps he chooses to take.If he understands anything then willingly gets intervention and sticks to it then maybe you have a chance but until then and until he can prove to you and his child he can parent successfully then he has to leave.You cannot get over this and put it behind you just like that.Your child was in danger because his primary caregiver whom your child was so dependant on neglected to do so....what would you advise if it was your friend telling you this? He was a danger to your child last night ..you cannot allow him to be.I think its sortable but outside intervention taken willingly by him would be the first starting point on your way back to being a family and giving your child the two loving parents they deserve...at the minute he isnt a parent and he needs to reassure you and hs child he can be.....your story was terrifying to read and I hope for all of you you can make the right decision.It isnt about what your partner wants its about your child and their right to be safe secure loved and happy....

DuchessAnnogovia · 01/03/2020 10:37

You know your DH better that us op. Whilst all in here can say what an absolute git he's been and to LTB, and to never, ever let him 'babysit' his own child again. Only you can make that decision. If he's never shown a propensity to drink a lot previously- one might wonder is there actually something wrong, he is very stressed at work, is there anything else going on in his mind? I certainly don't condone his actions, getting drunk is a no no to me when looking after children, who hasn't had a couple of glasses of wine after your DC has gone down to what you think is a nights sleep? Well of course the virtuous and angelic mothers, but for us mere mortals.......

Chat to your DH, find out what's up. And make a no alcohol rule when he looks after his child in the future, for your own peace of mind.

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 01/03/2020 10:38

Don’t let him, yourself or anyone else brush this under the carpet- whatever you decide to do longterm regarding leaving the baby in his care again this behaviour needs addressing and he needs to accept he is massively in the wrong.

Simply banning him from being left alone with the baby won’t make the issues go away

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/03/2020 10:41

It's not the alcohol that's bothering me, that's poor judgement, it's the shouting/screaming. That's so worrying. Far more than if he'd fallen asleep and baby crying. Who knows what actually went on when you found them? He was shouting/screaming (that's pretty out there behaviour). You simply can't know now.

CrocodileFrock · 01/03/2020 10:42

I think he needs to come up with a plan for what he is going to do about this. It's easy to say sorry and put on a woe-is-me face. It's what comes next that will be the big decider in all of this.

He needs to be the one who decides what kind of help he needs, whether it's parenting classes or a visit to the GP to talk about his mental health. He also needs to be the one who puts in the work to make these things happen.

It's up to him to prove that he's putting in the work to ensure that this never happens again. If he doesn't then you will have your answer.

WeAllHaveWings · 01/03/2020 10:53

He was out of control angry in charge of your baby.

You are distressed because you had to protect your baby from its dad, your dp, and this changes everything. You cannot in good conscience leave your baby alone with his dad again. Saying sorry just isn't good enough.

If he is suffering post natal or any other type of depression he must go to a GP and tell them exactly what has happened and that he is worried he is a danger to his child. Anything less is unacceptable.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2020 10:55

I agree with @Bluntness100

Rabblemum · 01/03/2020 10:55

Have serious words with your partner.My ex seemed like great dad material when my first was a baby, I was very young and he was better with babies than me. Soon his drinking got worse and he had a cocaine habit. My life slowly turned into a nightmare.

People cover up addiction really well and stress will make it worse. Think about leaving now. This probably isn’t a one off, this is abuse and you can make a decent, peaceful life with you and your child.

If you do stay watch everything he does and find better babysitters.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/03/2020 10:56

TBH - if he was that drunk it's just as well he did leave the baby to cry - he could easily have dropped her/him.

But he really can't be drinking when he is caring for his child (okay - one can in front of the football won't hurt - but nothing like this).

What is he like today? Is he shocked/ apologetic/ defensive/ dismissive?

Ruby8619 · 01/03/2020 10:57

I think it’s really irrational and downright crazy to call someone else’s partner an abuse and an addict just because yours was. Shocking.

SinkGirl · 01/03/2020 10:58

Something doesn’t add up. People who don’t drink much don’t suddenly get absolutely hammered at home alone with a baby.

I’d be really worried about whether he had shaken the baby given he was obviously angry and the baby was very distressed, plus he was so drunk his judgement was no doubt impaired. Does your baby seem okay? I’m not trying to be a scaremongerer here but that would be my primary concern to start with. After that I’d be insisting he seeks some form of professional help since you say you think he’s having MH issues.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/03/2020 11:00

I do think he is probably suffering from post natal depression

He can't be - that is due to a hormonal surge.

He could be feeling sorry for himself because his previous carefree childless life is gone, or suffering depression for other reasons, or just being an arse, fancying a drink and then being too stupid to stop.

Boom45 · 01/03/2020 11:00

When I was struggling after my second was born I left my baby (safe but distressed) in one room and went into another and just cried and cried. I needed help and it was my push to get it.
I wasnt drunk, which makes this immeasurably worse, but if you want to stay with your husband and you think he's suffering then try and help him see this behaviour might mean he needs help.
You can't live with a man you don't trust to leave alone with your child.

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