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Original poster

How should I handle what happened last night?

176 replies

OrangesandLemons1234 · 01/03/2020 09:13

Name change for this for obvious reasons. I’m after some advice on what you would do in my situation...

My partner and I have a young DC (a good bit under one). I am the primary carer due to being on maternity leave currently. He works full time but is involved with the baby as much as he can be around it. He is very good with the baby and although found the first few months of parenthood challenging (who doesn’t) is an excellent father.

So as not to dripfeed I should also say that partner is not a big drinker. A few drinks here and there but has never had too much and no history of problems etc.

So, last night I had a day and into the evening out with friends and partner looked after the baby. This isn’t the first time he’s looked after the baby on a weekend and never any problems. I checked in a few times yesterday while out and he said all was fine.

When I got home late evening I could hear screaming/shouting. I went upstairs to find baby in the cot distressed and crying, and partner shouting/ranting (in a different room) about how fed up he was / why wouldn’t the baby shut up. As I came into the room and asked what was going on, it became clear that he was drunk. Slurring etc. He said it had been a hard day, the baby wouldn’t stop crying, he’d tried cuddles, bottle etc and was at his wits end, and admitted he’d had quite a lot to drink during the evening, one led to another etc. There was no one else in the house aside from him and baby. He was quite defensive at the time (due to being drunk) so I cared for baby and went to bed.

I feel shocked that he allowed himself to get so drunk in sole charge of the baby and also that it’s so out of character for him. I’m also a bit horrified that he had left the baby crying for clearly a long time and that he let the baby get into such a distressed state. I keep thinking what if... I hadn’t come home then, or whatever. Obviously no harm actually came and nothing like this has ever happened before, but I’m doubting what to do about it (if anything) this morning. He apologised unreservedly first thing and said he shouldn’t have got into that state, and would never do so again, so he does know it was wrong.

Would you discuss it any further with him? Would you be worried about leaving him with the baby in the future in any way? I don’t want to overreact but I’m also a bit concerned about what happened...

OP posts:
edgewater · 01/03/2020 12:42

OP needs referred to SS.....what for? Going out. FFS.

SinkGirl · 01/03/2020 12:44

Indeed thick. For me whenever my twins really cry, I feel physically sick and panicked. It’s a very visceral reaction. The men I know do not have the same reaction, perhaps some do, but given the evolutionary basis for such a reaction I doubt it’s quite the same.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/03/2020 12:46

I would leave him. No question.
I'm sorry.
What if baby had got sick. Choked. Had a fit. Needed medical attention.
He could not have dealt with this. It would have been the end for me.

Good idea. Leave an otherwise happy and healthy home life for one instance because something that didn't happen could have happened. Because obviously if this is his normal behaviour it'll never be repeated when he has his 50/50 custody of the baby Hmm

A man made a mistake.

OhCaptain · 01/03/2020 12:53

@OrangesandLemons1234 if DH did this I absolutely wouldn’t be leaving him.

Because contrary to what strangers on the internet might think, I know him. And something like this would be so out of character that I’d be worried yes, but about his mental health.

I think encouraging him to get help is the right thing to do. A baby is a huge upheaval and you said he has more going on, too.

Some women get depression, some don’t. Same goes for men.

I got PND after dc3 and I honestly believe I’d have been capable of drinking myself into a stupor and having a breakdown!

DH gave me fantastic support and I got the help I needed and got better. Because he’s my spouse, my partner in life. He loves me and we get through things together.

Of course your child’s safety trumps all else.

But if you really, truly believe this is a one off and he’s genuinely sorry, and struggling then helping him is the right thing to do.

SlowDown76mph · 01/03/2020 12:53

Do you realise what would have happened if a neighbour called the police..? Or if he had completely lost it? Sounds like it was fortunate that you didn't come home any later :-(

This could have ended very badly. Do get outside help, don't let this become a situation of denial/avoidance/promises.

Roselilly36 · 01/03/2020 12:53

NEVER leave baby alone with your partner again, tbh if my DH did something like this our marriage would have been over. I would also insist on my baby being checked over incase they had been hurt.

iMoan7 · 01/03/2020 13:06

How much did he actually have to drink OP?

TheTiaraManager · 01/03/2020 14:08

I would lose all trust and respect in him. I would not want him living with me and a baby

Songsofexperience · 01/03/2020 14:40

The only relevant question here is: would YOU have behaved like that OP? You know the answer. Be very harsh with him precisely because you have to hold him to the same standards. If he's not a good parent, leave him and get him to fulfil his obligations at least financially.

Chucklecheeks01 · 01/03/2020 14:42

I think you need to look more at his alcohol use. I rarely drink. It doesnt appeal to me. Even if I would of had the most stressful day going alcohol isnt my go to de-stress.

For him to turn to alcohol after work when looking after his baby makes me think he is drinking more than you think or he admits to.

beckywiththeshithair37 · 01/03/2020 14:53

I don't think that it's unacceptable to leave the baby crying for a bit if he was at his wits end. Sometimes the best thing to do if you're getting wound up is to put baby somewhere safe and leave the room for a minute which is maybe what he did.

Incredibly irresponsible to get drunk to the point of slurring while being sole carer though. I wouldn't be at all happy about that. Anything could have happened.

recycledbottle · 01/03/2020 15:04

Would never leave him with the baby again. Someone said you should leave him but that will result in him being with the baby alone more.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 01/03/2020 15:09

He probably was drinking to cope with a screaming baby who wouldn’t calm down Have you ever done this OP?

Can you imagine the replies if a mother did this?!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 01/03/2020 15:13

You both need reporting to social services. It’s abuse Yes OP fancy going out trying to enjoy yourself. What a disgraceful think for a woman to do.

He should have called you. Or anyone else. Don't get me wrong I'm not perfect. When my eldest wouldn't stop screaming I put him in his cot, went to another room and screamed and cried into a pillow for a minute. But I never shouted at him or got drunk whilst looking after him.

CustardySergeant · 01/03/2020 15:16

You don't know that he hasn't already shaken the baby before you got home, that he wasn't roughly handling him.

Those were my thoughts too.

Justaboy · 01/03/2020 15:21

Do have a larff thickwoollytights some men are unsettled as its something they arent used to, not that many men these days have any exprence of babies there arent so many around as once their were, and a crying baby is something thay can't "fix" men's "mindsets" are differnt to a womans. Or they havent evolved as yet;)

ClArabelle67 do read that the OP wrote! he was in a differnt room to the babe!

MrsP2015 · 01/03/2020 15:48

Gosh OP I bet you are in a state Sad

Firstly drinking alcohol to this extent while looking after a baby is so irresponsible regardless of his day/ recent events. There are parents everywhere who have had crap days/ crap events who would NOT drink like this or not. Baby in bed for the night is NO excuse. In some ways worse as you need to be alert for your baby needs you.
Believe me I was a big weekend drinker before ttc and since then at all inclusive holiday bars, social outings, bad days I have never had more than a couple of drinks because I'm a parent and I need to look after my baby.

Secondly, it's scary to think if he was shouting when you got back, what did he do before you got back? Or did he hear you arrive and start shouting for you- so you don't leave them again?

Thirdly I think you need to still make sure you go out and leave baby in someone else's care, in case he was shouting as a form of control over you.

Right now he's not responsible enough to parent alone.

PelicanPie · 01/03/2020 15:58

As someone above has said, if a mother did this, we wouldn't think she was a fit mother. It's no different if it's a father. Bad enough that he was drunk, but shouting and drunk is just appalling.

thickwoollytights · 01/03/2020 15:58

Do have a larff thickwoollytights

You're alright, babe ..... I'll stick with my original point.

lyralalala · 01/03/2020 16:00

What is he doing today?

That's the key to this whole thing. What is his reaction?

When my twins were tiny and my ex had left me I did have to walk out the room once when they were both screaming. I closed the door and cried in the next room. Probably for longer than I should have.

The next day I spoke to my HV, my Nana (who brought me up) and enrolled on a parenting course to learn other tactics.

I was proactive to make sure I was never, ever that out of my depth again. I did that because I recognised that it couldn't happen again and wasn't fair on my girls.

What has he learned from this?

If he takes no steps to sort this himself. And actually him seeking help, him doing the work to be a better parent for your child's sake, then I'd be asking him to leave until he did.

trevthecat · 01/03/2020 16:12

Is he coping with parenthood? My ex had a male post natal depression and although he didn't act like this he was completely out of character. I would suggest a real long hard talk about what is really going on with him.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 01/03/2020 16:42

There's a big difference between feeling overwhelmed, leaving the room and crying and getting shitfaced and shouting and screaming.

I'd be concerned he did this to punish you, or to prove he couldn't look after the baby. He could have called you at any point and said he couldn't settle the baby. To get that drunk would have taken some time, it's not a spur of the moment thing.

It's shit because you can't leave him alone with the baby, which basically means he has had a massive tantrum and got his own way, he doesn't have to be alone with his baby.

Thedogscollar · 01/03/2020 17:33

SchadenfreudePersonified Male postnatal depression does exist. Postnatal depression can be many things and is not defined solely by a hormonal surge. Male hormones also can be affected by childbirth.

OP I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through, it sounds absolutely horrendous and something no mother should witness or have to cope with. From what you have said it does sound like your DH is stressed as he said he had a stressful day at work. His drinking was out of character too. Maybe he is finding parenthood overwhelming the peak time for PND is 3-6 months.

You obviously need to sit down and talk this through. If he is feeling overwhelmed with parenthood, as it is a huge life change, there is help out there. Contact your GP together and explain what happened. How old are you and DH? as maturity can influence adaption to parenthood also.

I am so sorry this has happened and you must be worried sick but just talk to him. As previous posters have said getting drunk whilst looking after a baby is wrong on every level for obvious reasons, but why did he feel the need to do this??

I really hope things work out for you all in what should be a very happy time.Flowers

FromEden · 01/03/2020 17:51

Would never leave him with the baby again. Someone said you should leave him but that will result in him being with the baby alone more.

Right so the OP can never go out again and never trust her partner alone with their child. Sounds like a great way to live. He gets to just absolve himself of any responsibility for childcare? It's just not possible to discuss this with her DH and perhaps address the behaviour? That's just putting the blame for her husbands actions all on her. Not ok.

Winter2020 · 01/03/2020 18:12

The people that have worked in child protection are saying that this is very serious and (having worked in child protection in the past) I absolutely agree.

I'm not saying LTB or "never" leave them alone again on a permanent basis but the OPs duty is absolutely to safeguard the child and if she wants to stay with her husband to find out what help he needs whether that is therapy/anti-depressants/patenting classes or all of he above.

Some people think this is an overreaction (perhaps they think people that work in child protection will say every less than ideal behaviour is terrible) but it is not each individual fact of the matter but the full picture. It is not having a few drinks (or even getting a bit sozzled), it is not failing to respond to baby or going into another room to cool off. It is the whole picture.

A man (asked to care for their child for only one day - knowing his partner will be back to help later) getting drunk/angry to the point of being out of control of their emotions at least/ behaving totally out of character and out of all proportion to one unsettled evening. People comparing with their own feelings at the worst of times - we are not talking about a parent who hasn't had a nights sleep for months and is getting desperate - he had one day to deal with!

It might be that he is the nicest of guys having a mental breakdown or lacks coping skills but could learn etc but any of that comes secondary to safeguarding the baby. I would say that people that are able to say posters are being dramatic haven't worked with parents that have injured or killed their babies or seen the lifelong disabilities caused to the children living with their injuries. People who work in child protection know that there is nothing "dramatic" about stating a child needs to be protected and that it is unfortunately a fact of life.