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Original poster

How should I handle what happened last night?

176 replies

OrangesandLemons1234 · 01/03/2020 09:13

Name change for this for obvious reasons. I’m after some advice on what you would do in my situation...

My partner and I have a young DC (a good bit under one). I am the primary carer due to being on maternity leave currently. He works full time but is involved with the baby as much as he can be around it. He is very good with the baby and although found the first few months of parenthood challenging (who doesn’t) is an excellent father.

So as not to dripfeed I should also say that partner is not a big drinker. A few drinks here and there but has never had too much and no history of problems etc.

So, last night I had a day and into the evening out with friends and partner looked after the baby. This isn’t the first time he’s looked after the baby on a weekend and never any problems. I checked in a few times yesterday while out and he said all was fine.

When I got home late evening I could hear screaming/shouting. I went upstairs to find baby in the cot distressed and crying, and partner shouting/ranting (in a different room) about how fed up he was / why wouldn’t the baby shut up. As I came into the room and asked what was going on, it became clear that he was drunk. Slurring etc. He said it had been a hard day, the baby wouldn’t stop crying, he’d tried cuddles, bottle etc and was at his wits end, and admitted he’d had quite a lot to drink during the evening, one led to another etc. There was no one else in the house aside from him and baby. He was quite defensive at the time (due to being drunk) so I cared for baby and went to bed.

I feel shocked that he allowed himself to get so drunk in sole charge of the baby and also that it’s so out of character for him. I’m also a bit horrified that he had left the baby crying for clearly a long time and that he let the baby get into such a distressed state. I keep thinking what if... I hadn’t come home then, or whatever. Obviously no harm actually came and nothing like this has ever happened before, but I’m doubting what to do about it (if anything) this morning. He apologised unreservedly first thing and said he shouldn’t have got into that state, and would never do so again, so he does know it was wrong.

Would you discuss it any further with him? Would you be worried about leaving him with the baby in the future in any way? I don’t want to overreact but I’m also a bit concerned about what happened...

OP posts:
AnotherMurkyDay · 01/03/2020 18:16

Sounds like the precursor to shaken baby syndrome.

EKGEMS · 01/03/2020 19:37

Are you certain he doesn't have secret alcohol dependency?This sounds like a pivotal moment in both your relationship and his relationship with your baby. What if god forbid he hurt the baby? He sounds like he lost all control of himself

Winterlife · 01/03/2020 23:45

@WaterOffADucksCrack My post would have been identical had a father posted the same fact scenario. Including that the mother should not be left alone with the child.

Mummyshark2019 · 01/03/2020 23:55

I would not want to live with this person anymore. Imagine what could have happened if you were later arriving back home.

Durgasarrow · 02/03/2020 00:00

It's not just the drunkenness that is frightening, it is the screaming in the other room that is so insane. And of course, if he left, he could get partial custody and have the child alone. You have a problem.

Pantsomime · 02/03/2020 00:29

The fact that he chose himself over baby would break it for me. Baby cries- instead of considering if baby was becoming poorly and perhaps needing more care and possibly driving to hospital- he choose a way of trying to pretend baby wasn’t around - he puts himself first above all

ladycarlotta · 02/03/2020 00:30

Jesus, this is horrendous. I can't imagine being able to get past this if it happened in my relationship - the thought that the baby had been very distressed and crying for some time while he just raged gives me chills more than anything. I couldn't forgive my partner if he treated our child like that, drunk or sober. OP, he need to get help before this escalates, and you should not leave him with the baby you share. I'm so sorry.

DressingGownofDoom · 02/03/2020 00:39

He needs to see the GP, he sounds like he's at breaking point. I wouldn't leave the baby alone with him until he has done so, has organised some counselling, and alcohol is out of the house entirely.

PapayaCoconut · 02/03/2020 01:20

I don't even know what to say. Babies tend to wake up several times during the night and surely he should have anticipated having to continue caring for the baby after bedtime - how could anyone think it's ok to get drunk in this scenario? Can you say with confidence that he wouldn't have hurt the baby, if you hadn't returned? Apart from the aggression, he's also shown extremely poor judgement. He's not a safe person for your baby.

Coyoacan · 02/03/2020 02:06

I don't even know what to say
This

I'm an alcoholic, though I stopped drinking two years ago and even I knew not to drink when I was looking after my dgd, asleep or awake.

He's put you in a horrible situation, OP, hasn't he? I hope he seeks help but, at the end of the day, your first duty is to your child.

ClArabelle67 · 02/03/2020 11:04

@AnotherMurkyDay, my thoughts exactly. If not already. The OP has not established what, if any, physical contact happened during his ‘breakdown’, he could well have shaken the baby, or thrown it into it’s cot, or worse.

It is a parent’s role to sooth and care for a baby; they are wholly reliant on their parents for their safety and wellbeing.there is no excuse for his behaviour. IF he could not manage for whatever reason, he should have asked you to come home or called someone to help him.

You said you entered the house to hear him screaming and the baby distraught. It sounds like he was screaming at your baby. However difficult this is for you, your first responsibility is to safeguard your child. Get your child checked over by the GP, and insist he seeks therapy of some kind. Do not leave the child with him.

Streamside · 02/03/2020 11:43

I really sympathise with you, you're in a terrible situation. I've read so many stories recently where I wondered why the mother allowed a child abuse situation to develop. The answer seems to always be that they didn't prioritise their child and didn't deal with the warning signs. You gave birth to this child and are obviously devastated by what happened. You need to follow this through logically, difficult as it is. Follow the advice of the people who work in this field.

AnotherMurkyDay · 02/03/2020 11:48

I think most parents have had a time when their baby just would not stop screaming no matter what you try. So you put them somewhere safe, knowing you have done everything you can to meet their needs, and give it a moment to see if they wind down. Because you are at a loss of what to try. Maybe you have a little cry. Maybe you look skyward and hope that a divine presence can give you something else to try. Maybe you scream into your hands or a pillow or say "for fucks sake" under your breath. Then if baby hasn't wound down you go straight back in there and try all the same things again until baby eventually settles. Then tiptoe carefully out of the room, and to the fridge for a nice cold tipple or to your chocolate stash or out into the garden for a sneaky cigarette. Then fall, exhausted, drained, onto the sofa and switch on Netflix only to hear those crying sounds start again. "Really? Again?" You mutter to nobody, gathering yourself for the next round. That's all within the realms of normal. His behaviour really is not. His emotional regulation is way off the scale.

AnotherMurkyDay · 02/03/2020 11:49

Emotional dysregulation I meant

susandelgado · 02/03/2020 16:30

I second getting your baby checked over. I don't want to upset you , but You have no idea what happened before you got home. Intense rage may have made your dh shake the baby or handle it roughly.
Personally I don't believe that men can get PND, surely that's caused by hormones and is being used by pp's as an excuse for his behaviour.
No excuses, what he did was totally wrong. He needs help before he can be left alone with the baby again.
I'm so sorry you are going through this 😐

Nowayorhighway · 02/03/2020 16:36

I had PND and I did similar when my first DC was tiny, I didn’t get drunk though but I definitely sat in a different room ranting and raving while he cried. He had colic from day one and just wouldn’t settle regardless of what I tried, I was honestly at my wits end and wanted to either give him up for adoption or kill myself. I laid in the bath one day and wanted to drown.

Your DP may have PND, men can have it too. He needs help.

PelicanPie · 02/03/2020 16:38

I totally agree with winter. This really can't be minimised. I also agree that I could never trust this man again.

prh47bridge · 02/03/2020 16:45

Personally I don't believe that men can get PND, surely that's caused by hormones and is being used by pp's as an excuse for his behaviour

You may not believe it but according to the National Childbirth Trust it does happen. Men experience hormonal changes too. Apparently men are roughly twice as likely to become depressed during the first year after the birth with first time dads particularly vulnerable. The peak time is 3-6 months after the birth. As with mums, it often goes undiagnosed.

UsefulZombie · 02/03/2020 16:50

Absolutely unforgivable to be that reckless while caring for a child, and that level of anger at a very vulnerable baby is really quite scary.
Would you honestly be able to look at him the same way again? If this was my partner it would absolutely be game over. I appreciate that this must be hugely overwhelming for you but you need to protect your baby.

LochJessMonster · 02/03/2020 16:57

I'm going against the crowd here and think he showed restraint by going into another room to have his melt down. Much much better than him doing it in the same room as the child.
Many mums on here have had to put the baby safely in the cot and gone away to have a moment. Its very unfortunate that he had had a drink and therefore made the situation a hundred times worse.

If he had had the same amount to drink, but the baby had been happy and asleep, what would your reaction be?
And if he hadn't have had any drink, but you came home to find him having a melt down, what would your reaction be?

I think you need a blanket rule about no drinking when in charge. If you have had no other concerns regarding his parenting then its likely it was the alcohol that escalated this situation, and he is not a danger.

CallMeOnMyCell · 02/03/2020 16:59

I would leave over this. I’d never be able to trust my DP again.

Thedogscollar · 02/03/2020 17:46

I refer to my previous post as some posters on here fail to believe that men can develop PND, thinking it's only affects women because it's to do with hormones. Surprisingly men have hormones too and they can and do suffer with PND.

I am not in any way condoning his behaviour at all however there has to be a reason for this irrational outburst and I think as a couple they need to see a GP to help them find out if he would benefit from treatment /counselling.

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 02/03/2020 17:58

just think next time could be a shaken baby,if he hasnt already he certain sounded angry enough

Pippa12 · 02/03/2020 18:57

I always find MN default to marital issues is leave, despite only having less than 500 words to base this decision on. Only you know your DH.

If it was my husband I’d be having a serious discussion with him this morning. Did he put the baby down in a safe place to go and rant and rave next door, like we are told to as new parents?! Lord only knows I’ve done this. Does he feel overwhelmed, overworked, depressed, anxious? Male PND is a real problem, as is male suicide. I’d be really listening to him today. Reading between lines. Drinking on shift... not a good idea... but then I made some really Hmm decisions when I felt at my lowest.

On the contrary, if he said the baby was doing my bloody tree so I cracked open a 12 pack and drunk myself into the oblivion to block out the god damn noise... the conversation would be very different.

I hope you can sit down with your DH and get some honest and frank answers... perhaps talk to someone in real life like your parents/his parents to get opinions. MN first response is throw in the towel, nobody can make these assumptions from a few paragraphs.

conduitoffortune · 02/03/2020 19:04

As a child protection social worker this sends a shiver down my spine and makes me feel sick.

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