How should I handle what happened last night?

[OrangesandLemons1234]

Name change for this for obvious reasons. I’m after some advice on what you would do in my situation...

My partner and I have a young DC (a good bit under one). I am the primary carer due to being on maternity leave currently. He works full time but is involved with the baby as much as he can be around it. He is very good with the baby and although found the first few months of parenthood challenging (who doesn’t) is an excellent father.

So as not to dripfeed I should also say that partner is not a big drinker. A few drinks here and there but has never had too much and no history of problems etc.

So, last night I had a day and into the evening out with friends and partner looked after the baby. This isn’t the first time he’s looked after the baby on a weekend and never any problems. I checked in a few times yesterday while out and he said all was fine.

When I got home late evening I could hear screaming/shouting. I went upstairs to find baby in the cot distressed and crying, and partner shouting/ranting (in a different room) about how fed up he was / why wouldn’t the baby shut up. As I came into the room and asked what was going on, it became clear that he was drunk. Slurring etc. He said it had been a hard day, the baby wouldn’t stop crying, he’d tried cuddles, bottle etc and was at his wits end, and admitted he’d had quite a lot to drink during the evening, one led to another etc. There was no one else in the house aside from him and baby. He was quite defensive at the time (due to being drunk) so I cared for baby and went to bed.

I feel shocked that he allowed himself to get so drunk in sole charge of the baby and also that it’s so out of character for him. I’m also a bit horrified that he had left the baby crying for clearly a long time and that he let the baby get into such a distressed state. I keep thinking what if... I hadn’t come home then, or whatever. Obviously no harm actually came and nothing like this has ever happened before, but I’m doubting what to do about it (if anything) this morning. He apologised unreservedly first thing and said he shouldn’t have got into that state, and would never do so again, so he does know it was wrong.

Would you discuss it any further with him? Would you be worried about leaving him with the baby in the future in any way? I don’t want to overreact but I’m also a bit concerned about what happened...

OP I’d ask him what caused him to have a drink if it’s totally out of character. My DH doesn’t drink much and never has. So if find it really concerning that he was drinking alone and drunk when it’s obviously not his norm.

If it was already in the house did he fancy one when baby had gone to bed? And one turned in to many. Why did he want to continue drinking, had the baby stressed him out to that point?

Did he go and buy them before he put the baby to bed? Because that would worry me more as it shows he wanted to get drunk. Why would that he?

He probably feels like shit this morning

If anyone other than the op had come in, Ie the police, you’d have come back to your child in emergency foster care and your husband sleeping it off in a police cell. No officer would have said “ah he got wankered after the baby was asleep, that’s not as worrying as if he did it when the baby was crying”

Don’t minimise this,the fact he wasn’t caught by the authorities and they don’t know, or he didn’t accidentally or otherwise hurt the child is more luck rather than design.

I’d also consider having him out, I could not be with someone who did this whilst responsible for my child. If a friend did it, you’d end the friendship. It’s worse when a parent does. And an apology for it doesn’t change the seriousness of what occurred.

The fact he wasn’t caught, or the child didn’t get physically hurt, doesn’t change or minimise what he did.

From the Office for National Statistics

Age

As in previous years, children under the age of 1 had the highest rate of homicide (45 per million population), followed by those aged 16 to 24 years (18 per million population).

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/homicideinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2019

Your child is never more vulnerable that when they are young. They are more likely to be murdered under 1 that at any other time. If you don’t trust him 100% then don’t leave your baby with him.

Seriously OP, this is excruciatingly serious. The one time he was left completely alone with the baby you came to find the baby inconsolably distressed with him, leathered, in another room, raging AT the baby because he couldn’t deal with normal baby behaviour. This is intensely, disturbingly worrying. He is not safe to be around your child.

He CANNOT be allowed to be in the same house as you both until this is dealt with and sorted. And by ‘dealt with and sorted’ I mean by way of doctors visits, therapy - whatever is necessary to resolve what is underlying this.

Please take this seriously.

In our local library there are leaflets about how to keep calm with a crying baby I think it is a course / class - so maybe there are some parenting / advice courses available (for free) in your local area. He needs learn how to cope with his stress when the baby is crying.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm so horrified at what happened that I've bypassed how dreadful this is for you and how utterly terrible you must be feeling. Sending you love 💕

Can you take the baby to your Mums for the day? Get away and have both you and baby looked after for a while?

I would never leave the baby with him. I wouldn't be able to relax if i did.

Sounds like he needs help. Its not just mums who struggle with babies. Dads can as well. Maybe speaking to a GP/counsellor will help. In the meantime, dont leave him alone with the baby.

I'm sorry but he got drunk and neglected a baby.

There would be no going back for me.

Who drinks when taking care of a baby, why didn't he just message you and say he was struggling?

Plus... Its not exactly hard to look after a baby, tiring yes, exhausting yes, frustrating yes but not so hard you have to drink tk get through it.. They poop they eat they cuddle and they sleep

This is awful. I would never leave the baby with him unsupervised again, no matter what he says. I too would question whether his drinking is worse than you know, and also I whether this really is the first time this has happened. It could be classed as child abuse. Grounds for social services to be involved for most people.

OP you are handling this very well. You need to sit him down later and delve into why he did this.

If this is uncharacteristic then fund out why.

The hysteria here about kicking him out isn't helpful

OP states this was a one off situation and he us very remorseful.

I think that babies get used to their primary carers (in this case, you) and do not settle so well for others (in this case, your husband) and as your husband is used to the baby settling for you he has no idea how to get the baby to calm down.

Older babies are harder to settle anyway.

I think your husband thought that he could relax when the baby was asleep, and have a drink. That was his biggest mistake.

You need to make it crystal-clear that drinking (even one small drink) is not acceptable when one is in sole charge of a baby.

If you are prepared to stay in a relationship with this man, you need to ensure that he fully understands this.

If he’s a big/regular drinker, how much would it have taken for him to get as drunk as he was? Serious lack of judgement. I think I would ask him to move out for a bit. See whether he appreciates how wrong he went last night. See whether he’s genuinely remorseful. See what he’s willing to do to address it. Ball’s in his court.

I agree completely with @BobbyBlueCat - I don't think you can write this off as one of those things and stressed. This could potentially have ended a very different way.
Personally I wouldn't care if he was 'stressed'. Who the fuck gets wasted while in sole care of a baby? There isn't an excuse.

I thank a conversation about the whys and the hows needs to be had.

If it's a one off and totally unexpected and abnormal behaviour I think it's a bit of an over reaction to never leave him with his own child again.

He should have asked for help when you checked in, he didn't you need to get him to tell you why.

Talking about it is the best thing here.

I am horrified reading this. At first I thought he's just left baby crying as needs a few minutes to breathe but I am shocked that he was drunk.

He is not prioritising your child over alcohol.

I'm not saying don't drink, as a SAHM with 2 under 2 I have had many a hard day but I wait until my DH comes home/kids asleep before a glass of wine.

I don’t understand why everyone is focusing on the drinking and not the rage. The rage AT a baby.

The rage may have been helped along by the alcohol, but the drinking is out of character - I’d lay odds that the drinking happened because of an overall lack of coping skills around a baby, and is a further symptom of the same thing of the rage.

A person who has genuine rage when dealing with a screaming baby (and instead drinks and therefore lowers inhibitions), is not safe to be around said baby.

I was shocked reading your OP. If I had come home to that and my poor baby screaming in distress with his father screaming abuse from another room I would have chucked my partner out. To say there was no harm done and you were a bit horrified is a shocking statement to make. You say he doesn't drink much but he was drunk when you got home. I am assuming you may have found your inner rage this morning and challenged this awful man about his behaviour to his child? A man that can't cope with his own DC and get so drunk that he leaves his baby screaming his head off while he screams abuse in another room isn't someone I would trust not to physically hurt him the next time...

Each to their own but I would never be able to forgive him for that. It's such a horrible way to go on. Babies crying is a stressful thing but to turn to drink to blot it out is just a disgusting thing to do. Baby was in his care totally dependent on him and instead of trying to sooth baby or even ring you to come hime if it was that bad he goes and gets absolutely rat arsed. Wrong in so many ways.

"Drunk in charge of a child" is a criminal offence

Only if it is in a public place, on a highway or on licensed premises. It is not an offence to be drunk in charge of a child in your own home. Not defending the OP's husband but saying he has committed a criminal offence is just plain wrong.

Please do not leave your child with him alone again. This is a massive red flag. He needs to quit drinking. Anything could of happened.
Maybe he could try some parenting classes?

What I’m saying is that, by all accounts, the drinking and the rage are out of character. That being the case, surely it is the rage that ought to be the most concerning thing here?

Oh and I have no doubt he has probably lost it at your baby before , you just haven't caught him

What I think is really concerning is not just the drinking but the fact that he go so angry by the baby crying. That’s quite a big danger sign.

This sounds so odd, I think many of us may have had to walk in another room before and probably thought please shut up and go to sleep.

What was he drinking and how much? If he rarely drinks, one extra drink might have tipped him over the edge, no excuse but the rage is worrying, hour child will soon be a demanding toddler and those times are very very testing, I just wonder if he would lash out?

Has he looked after the baby for that long before?