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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you had your time again would you still Chose to have children?

340 replies

Nofoolfornoone · 29/02/2020 21:40

I’m not asking if you love your children or if you wish they wertent around as I’m sure now you have them you wouldn’t change a thing.

But, I want to know, if you are being totally honest, If you had your time again would you still chose to have children?

OP posts:
sunshineANDsweetpeas · 03/03/2020 13:19

No I wouldn't. I find my kids just plain hard work. It's getting easier the older they get. But I've never experienced the 'oh they bring so much joy to my life' bit. We have fun, they are loved and we are a happy family. But just no, not a chance I'd do it again.

If someone was to say to me my life expectancy has just doubled, as has my health and fertility, there's still no chance I'd have any more kids

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 03/03/2020 13:24

Oh and the whole having two kids is awesome myth. A friend of mine told me not to have two, stick to just one. I didn't (and actually adopted my second) she was right. It's like world war fucking 3 in my house every single sodding day. I suspect my answer would have been different if I'd stuck at just one. I tell ever woman who tells me she's trying for a second that it's a bad idea and stick to one (I'm a riot at mum and baby groups), so far every single one of them has come back to me and agreed, once they had their second.

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 03/03/2020 13:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Youvegotafriendinme · 03/03/2020 13:30

Absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt but I would have started earlier then maybe we would have had more than the 1 we have.

Oblomov20 · 03/03/2020 13:33

YANBU

No I wouldn't have my children. My mum made parenting look easy. I've found it very tough. And I don't like the society we've become. Children are unappreciative. Parenting is too child-centred.

lynsey91 · 03/03/2020 13:34

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes I am shocked that you are shocked at the results.

I would have put the regret numbers much higher than 30%. From people I have met over a 40 year period in different parts of the UK and in two European countries more women (and men) seem to regret having children than not.

Quite a few posters here have young or youngish children. I wonder if they will feel the same when their children are older? My friends with adult children and often grand children or even great grandchilden almost all say if they could go back in time they would not have any

StepAwayFromGoogle · 03/03/2020 13:36

In a heartbeat.

bookworm14 · 03/03/2020 13:37

I adore my DD and don’t regret having her for a second. However this thread is confirming my decision not to have any more. I find parenting one child exhausting and draining, so two would almost certainly break me. ‘Giving my child a sibling’ is not enough of a reason.

Equimum · 03/03/2020 13:38

Definitely. But I would also have had another when my youngest was about 3. We contemplated it and chose not to. He is now 4.5 and I would desperately love another but fear the age gap would be too big/ I’m too old!

MozFan · 03/03/2020 13:41

No, I wouldn’t have. It’s been so stressful and relentless and I don’t feel I enjoy life anymore in the same way Sad

skidley · 03/03/2020 13:47

No. And I'll be telling my kids, if they ask, how bloody hard it was and to give it a good hard think before starting a family.

MummytoCSJH · 03/03/2020 13:55

Definitely. My son motivates me more than anything else ever has. Can't imagine not seeing his smile (I know that's soppy)!

flossletsfloss · 03/03/2020 13:58

Without a doubt.

caringiscreepy · 03/03/2020 14:05

Absolutely

GettingUntrapped · 03/03/2020 14:10

I agree re the second child secondary gaslighting. I love my second son too, but the extra work it takes with two is life changing. It's often miserable for me with two to look after and try to deal with the bickering and fighting. Horrible.

LightenUpSummer · 03/03/2020 14:13

I wonder what the stats would be for single mothers who have been left by the dc's father. Because that's what removed the enjoyment for me.

A separate point - I'd never for a second tell my dc I wish I hadn't had them. We all know people who have been told that and who are screwed up by it. I'd be extremely cautious even to hint at it.

I tell mine all the time that they make me happy, which they do (regardless of the fact that I wouldn't have had them if I'd known their dad would leave)

GettingUntrapped · 03/03/2020 14:15

Yes, I had that, but now they are older and even more demanding. In fact, I was besotted especially with my youngest when he was little.
Now he makes it clear he hates his brother, just because he was born.

GettingUntrapped · 03/03/2020 14:18

Sorry, was replying to someone who mentioned joy in the physical side of having children.

AgentPrentiss · 03/03/2020 14:25

No I wouldn’t.

I love my kids. I love them so much I’m constantly sick with worry about something happening to them. I worry about if they’re happy, if they’ll be successful adults, if I’m doing it all wrong and screwing them up. I worry myself sick about something happening to me or DH and them being left on their own. I lay awake at night a lot worrying if something has gone wrong for one of them. It’s exhausting.

I hate parenting. I hate that I am responsible for how their lives turn out. I hate the every day drudgery. I’m jealous of my childless friends travelling the world.

Knowing all I know now, I would not have had children.

GettingUntrapped · 03/03/2020 14:34

"A separate point - I'd never for a second tell my dc I wish I hadn't had them. We all know people who have been told that and who are screwed up by it. I'd be extremely cautious even to hint at it."

This is a tough one. I haven't said that to my children, but not telling them how hard and stifling it is to be a parent is not doing them any favours either. I see having to pretend parenting is pleasurable as pushing down the feelings of a parent with guilt tripping. Silencing them.

It's how you approach it I think. You can tell them you love them but you don't like parenting because it really is too much for one or two people when it comes to young humans. It's a problem with society. The nuclear family and single parenting don't help children either as too much pressure is on the parents.

Things need to change, so why not tell the children so we can put a stop to this. I don't agree that it has to be damaging for them.

Having said that, I would struggle to put it into words for mine, but I feel I should tell them perhaps when they are older. It isn't their fault, and they are loved.

Hollowgast · 03/03/2020 14:37

This is tricky.

We had triplets. No support from either of our families. The children are 8 now. I love them dearly but it has been absolutely brutal and I'm a shell of my former self. Through having to prioritise the children I've lost friends, my relationship is a shadow of what it used to be, I have no free time, ever to pursue my own interests and no money to pursue them if I was able to. I would not replace any of them, ever, but it doesn't stop me wishing that things were easier.

motheroftwoboys · 03/03/2020 14:40

Yes, even though I didn't really want them before I had them - if that makes any sense. Our boys are now 29 and 27 and I love them to bits although they still have the capacity to drive me mad. Our lives would be a lot emptier without them.

GettingUntrapped · 03/03/2020 14:50

"And I don't like the society we've become. Children are unappreciative. Parenting is too child-centred."

Totally agree.

But most of us don't appreciate our parents or even see them as people until we leave home. It's part of the human condition.

Brefugee · 03/03/2020 15:24

Nope. I was pretty sure i didn't want any children and had mine late after what i can only describe as a smack in the face from my biological clock that sent me a bit gaga.

One of the reasons i didn't want children was the state of the world. Now I've got two in their early 20s and they're worried about the state of the world and that they are never having children i think if i could have my time again i wouldn't do it.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/03/2020 16:11

People have always been terrified about the state of the world. Many of us were born into the Cold War and Mututally Assured Destruction, which was pretty terrifying.

There's a lot of good stuff, wonder and joy to be found in the world and in other people, too.

Whether one dwells primarily on joy or despondency is a matter of personality, not a reflection of external reality.