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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you had your time again would you still Chose to have children?

340 replies

Nofoolfornoone · 29/02/2020 21:40

I’m not asking if you love your children or if you wish they wertent around as I’m sure now you have them you wouldn’t change a thing.

But, I want to know, if you are being totally honest, If you had your time again would you still chose to have children?

OP posts:

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 01/03/2020 19:54

Yes, but not with the abusers I unfortunately had the children with. I look at my partner now and so with he had been their father. Having children with sbusive, controlling bastards has ruined my physical health, my mental health, my self esteem, my ability to trust anyone including any and all professionals. I live in continual fear and why? Because two people who I live more than anything are used day in day out as a means to continue that abuse and control.

theworstwife · 01/03/2020 20:03

No, it’s relentless and often mind numbing. I have lost who I was and struggle to find the time to think or do anything for myself. If I could turn back time I wouldn’t have any or get married. I have managed to scrape by in my career but I don’t do anything to the standard I would aim for. Most of the time I feel like a shit mum, wife, employee. I’m overwhelmed

ScreamingLadySutch · 01/03/2020 20:22

Absolutely.

In fact, I would have had more.

They think I am an idiot and it is nothing like Disney, but I adore my children. They give me such pleasure and its not like they are beautiful and amazing or anything. But they are to me.

SummerPavillion · 01/03/2020 20:33

I think this is a snapshot of where we all are now. If you want a true picture of how many women regret having dc you'd need to ask them at the end of their lives. Though... the answer could change again.

For me, I'd have said I didn't regret if you'd asked me before my xh walked out. Now I'm regretting it. Then again, if I'm ever happily paired up again and he's a good step dad, I'll switch back to overall not regretting it!

Basically, our answers here could change over time.

Aussiegirl123456 · 01/03/2020 20:59

Yes. Actually I would have had more too.

Voxx · 01/03/2020 21:03

I think I would, yes. Even the thought of a world without them in it (even a hypothetical one) makes me feel a bit panicky and sick. They are amazing little people.

But, much as I love them day to day parenting is often a long, relentless slog which I don’t enjoy. I’m a single parent. Ex sees the EOW but is otherwise not involved. I don’t have anybody to talk decisions over with and having the sole responsibility of keeping a roof over our heads often keeps me up at night. I get stressed about the overwhelming responsibility and am sometimes snappy. I often think my lovely DCs deserve a far, far better parent than me. I think I’m fucking it up. I think I’m fucking them up.

BugBasher · 01/03/2020 21:34

No. Not a chance in hell.

Grumpos · 01/03/2020 21:39

I’d have stopped at one

Love all of my kids and wouldn’t send them back but Jesus it’s hard work juggling them all and getting such little time to do anything else - personal, housework, DIY - other than rotating feeding, comforting, cleaning faces and bums, playing, bath times, bed times etc.

Having one was fairly easy and meant you get time to yourself every so often, when you add more to the mix you may as well write off your own life For 10 years.

user12345796 · 01/03/2020 21:46

Mine are my reason for everything

farmertom · 01/03/2020 21:51

Absolutely yes. One of the most wonderful experience s of my life. Nothing compares to the love I feel for them and although I wouldn't know any different if I hadn't had them, knowing about the love that I'd never feel makes me think differently, if that makes sense

Shortdebate · 02/03/2020 06:37

@lynsey91 you don’t know anyone who is child free and regrets it? Do you mean those who actively chose to be child free? There is a big difference between those who made a choice and those who are child free out of circumstance.

I know many people who never really got over not being able to have children because of infertility or not having a partner. I only know three people child free by choice and only one of those is now beyond child bearing age and they don’t regret it, but are you seriously saying even your friends child free without the choice have no sadness about that?

MinnieMountain · 02/03/2020 07:13

Yes. I'm glad we stuck with one though.

4 years ago when he was 2 and I was a SAHM my answer would have been different.

I wish we'd decided earlier in our relationship than we did. I have no regrets about what age I had DS but we thought we had years left to travel etc then changed our minds about having DC.

Original poster

Nofoolfornoone · 02/03/2020 07:18

@Shortdebate people who are childfree out of circumstance are childless. So generally when people say childfree it means those who chose not to have children

OP posts:

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 02/03/2020 07:26

No.

My dc are young adults and I’m truly exhausted. The worry is engulfing and I’m so exhausted. The teenage years have been a minefield and I’m lost.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/03/2020 07:41

Is this another thread to push the the "I'm childfree and proud" agenda - these threads get a bit boring really - 99% of parents would choose to have children again just like 99% of the childfree (at the moment) would choose not to have kids.

lynsey91 · 02/03/2020 07:44

@Shortdebate I used the term childfree rather than childless meaning they chose not to have children.

I don't actually know anyone that wanted children but was unable to have them.

We have lots of friends and relatives who chose not to have children including DH's 2 siblings, 2 nieces, 1 nephew and quite a lot of friends.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/03/2020 07:49

I know plenty of people who are childless not through choice but because they couldn't have children and it's devastating

I also know a lot MORE people who were initially childfree out of choice but who actually changed their minds in the 40s and then desperately regret their decisions now

SirChing · 02/03/2020 08:03

Absolutely I would. I didn't feel like that even two years ago though. She is 9 and has mild autism. But now she has support in place and I have ditched her fairly useless dad, we are both so much happier. I am so glad I only had one. She makes me laugh so much and I can't wait to show her the world. The only downside is that having her resulted in me becoming disabled. She is so worth it though and I would do it all again.

formerbabe · 02/03/2020 08:14

Im on the fence. But if you had asked me when they were babies and toddlers I'd have definitely said that I'd still have had children. It's actually getting harder as they've got older...in a different way so now I'm not so sure...I feel like there's even more worry as they get older and you're in far less control thanwhen they're little.

TossACoinToYourWitcher · 02/03/2020 08:20

No. Not because of anything relating to me, but because I'm deeply concerned about what the future holds for them in terms of climate change and global instability.

Emmapeeler1 · 02/03/2020 08:26

Yes I would definitely but I would not have rushed into it like I did.

Runnerduck34 · 02/03/2020 08:28

Yes I would, sometimes it's tough and there are definitely sacrifices but it is worth it, my life is richer for having them ( even thou on occasion it may not feel like it! )

Bringringbring12 · 02/03/2020 18:05

Single parent
No family support

100% yes yes yes and another too if I could rewind time.

They give everything a real purpose for me. Even my career - I’m doing it because I want to provide for them, them to be proud of me etc

I find parenting pretty easy. But they are good children, healthy and no additional needs.

Bringringbring12 · 02/03/2020 18:06

* I don't actually know anyone that wanted children but was unable to have them.*
You will do. They’ve just not told you.

MingVase · 02/03/2020 20:03

@lynsey91, you definitely do, but they just haven’t said.

I genuinely thought all my childfree friends were contentedly so, like me. But then I had a baby at 40 and some people couldn’t hack that at all — I realised three people I was genuinely close to had been heartbroken by not being able to have a child, but as they were older than me, it had happened before I knew them In all cases, and they didn’t feel the need to discuss it, in part because I didn’t have children, either.

One friend disappeared and never contacted me again after I told her I was pregnant. We’re only just back in touch, nearly nine years later.

Another pair of friends who have an utterly devoted marriage apparently almost split up in heartbreaking circumstances because after unsuccessful IVF, she wanted to adopt and he didn’t. Again before I met them, and something they never talk about.

Having DS meant I belatedly heard lots of stories I hadn’t been aware of.

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