If you had your time again would you still Chose to have children?

[Nofoolfornoone]

I’m not asking if you love your children or if you wish they wertent around as I’m sure now you have them you wouldn’t change a thing.

But, I want to know, if you are being totally honest, If you had your time again would you still chose to have children?

Yes but would of done it sooner instead of at 34/36 so I could of had 3 kids instead of just two

Had I done it in my twenties I'd of gone for more than two kids

Yes. i'd choose to be a Mother every day of the week. They have been difficult at times but I wouldn't change them or their place in the world. I adore their company, they're funny, they're kind, they're a tiny bit dysfunctional, they're silly and make poor choices at times, they make me whisper "fuck me sideways" at times but I would choose them every time.

I have nothing but respect for anyone who decides their future is going to be dictated by them rather than by societies expectations. I adore being a Mother; it's the thing I'm best at out of everything I do. I have a job I'm crazy about that leaves me exhausted at times, I have friends and hobbies and all sorts of other things that make me happy. But not one of those things has made me as happy as being a parent. And it's ok to admit that just like it's ok to admit that you don't want DC.

I would have them later, not at all just later on than I did, could if achieved more career wise and travelled more.

They are my world, the funniest pair and I love them dearly

No

Slightly different viewpoint,could not have children but tried hard with IVF etc. If I had my time again I would not try to have them. Just get on with my life.

Absolutely would have them.
I'm so proud of the lovely people they have become.
But maybe looking back I would put less effort in.

It's Been hell but yes

Yes, I would, but I wish there was a magic button to fast forward the first 6 months. I just found it utterly exhausting each time, especially with recovering from difficult csection births with other complications.

Once they started sleeping through the night I enjoyed it much more. Even years later I remember my heart sinking as I settled into bed for the night as I remembered that I’d only be asleep for a few hours at most before being woken... for the first of several times....

@MingVase well almost all of my child free friends have been pretty open about the fact they chose to be child free. My nieces and nephew all said a good few years ago that they didn't want children and none of them have had any.

Other relatives also said they did not want any and, again, they have not had any.

I guess a couple of friends could have wanted them but not been able to have them but nothing they have ever said or done has made me think that. Quite the opposite in fact.

On the other hand loads of friends with children tell me they regret it

I would still have mine- but I would of waited till I had travelled more, loved a bit more, had a stable career so it was easier for me to have a work/life balance. My 3 are my whole world and don’t regret them- but my world feels very small at the moment and I didn’t realise how much I couldn’t do things or wouldn’t want to do things (travel far without them for example) so I wish I did that more first

We tried for years and then decided to just to have some time together with adult holidays and lazy weekends but we both felt something was missing so we went down the adoption route. After a year in the process we were matched with 2 under age 2 and all family and friends thought we were crazy for taking them on. Nearly 4 years later and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Yes they can be hard work but our lives are so much more fulfilled. The love is immense and overwhelming.

I would have waited a couple of years. 21 when had my (unplanned) first, now 27 with a 5 and 2 year old and would have waited til now if I had my time again.

It’s very interesting that those who waited wished they had them earlier and those who had them earlier wished they had waited. I guess it’s hard whatever way you choose to do it. I found the loss of my independence very difficult- even tho I realise it’s only temporary and the joy my children gives me far outweighs any holiday or nice restaurant I could go to. I guess it’s the loss of the option

Well there's waiting and there's starting too late, so that having as many as you'd like becomes an impossibility. For me, early to mid-30s would have been perfect.

"Yes, it’s a privilege being DD’s mother."

Yes, that's what the good times feel like :)

Probably. Not with my husband though

On balance, despite everything, yes.

She’s very hard work (ASD/ADHD and teenage hormones all mixed together) and a huge demand on our resources (money, time and emotions). I have spent many years over her over the years.

But she’s also a delight in many ways too. She’s funny, she loves in her own way, she occasionally surprises us by doing things for us too not just herself.

I’ve done things because of her that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise and gone o to hobbies I hadn’t considered realistic for me.

I have learned a lot about emotions, social skills, negotiation skills, management and leadership, influencing, listening and effective communication- because of her and helping to deal with her personality and her issues.

I have been able to get back into something I love that I didn’t have a route into, because of her getting involved also.

Admittedly, I haven’t been able to take all the opportunities I otherwise would have and I think DH and my life would be quite different if not for her. We’d have a lot more time and energy to do things we want to do rather than what SHE wants to. But it’s in a good place.

I'm often puzzled where the 'joy' and 'highest highs' that some describe on here come from. For me, (with two - age 8 and 13) it feels like stifling self sacrifice and that makes me feel unfulfilled. The loss of my own identity left me feeling.

For me, also the loss of privacy, money, career prospects, peace of mind, limited comradie with friends, limited social life, travelling with them is a pain, the addition of domestic drugery, lack of real fun etc. How can that bring joy? It's more like the end of joy, the end of freedom. And it's for life. Ha ha.
It's also thankless, and you get policed by the entire society who put you into a box labeled ' mother.'
It's way too much work and responsibility for one person. ( I'm a single parent, with some support.)
It's like society gaslights us.
I'm coping because I'm facing the brutal reality of it head on.
There are enjoyable moments for me, but the cost of that doesn't really weigh up.

"I'm often puzzled where the 'joy' and 'highest highs' that some describe on here come from"

I think for me it's the physical relationship. It goes very deep, to an animal level really. It's enjoying touching them - the shape of them when they are little, their weight in your arms, the way the shape changes, their hand on your body.
Then there's seeing them recognise and like you - taking joy in you.

I used to carry a teddy bear around as a small child and have treasured memories of physical interactions with the adults in my life. It's like I get those feelings back again.

The actual looking after them part is, of course, absolute shit, exactly as you say :) :) :) :)

..... so I think when the physical joy is there it helps you see past all the things they do and say (which are mainly pretty annoying)

Bah, I shouldn't have read this thread! I'm 37 and trying for our first, and all these people wishing they'd had theirs younger... Mind, I've only ever wanted one so perhaps that makes a difference. I just hope we don't have any regrets if we're lucky enough to have a child.

I’m shocked at the vote response - I thought it’d be more like 95% YABU.
I honestly couldn’t imagine a life without kids. Imagining my life without them now would be so...sad. My dh and kids are everything to me.
My DB has recently fallen into a bad depression after splitting from his wife. They have no kids and it’s too late for him to have any. He told my mum he feels like he has nothing to live for. That’s how I’d feel too.

It would be so depressingly final knowing that when you die there is no one left to mourn you/miss you. I don’t believe having friends/a good social life is the same. It’s good to have that too of course but it’s not the same.

I'm often puzzled where the 'joy' and 'highest highs' that some describe on here come from. For me, (with two - age 8 and 13) it feels like stifling self sacrifice and that makes me feel unfulfilled.

Yes I often feel that way too. In fact I asked on here before for people to explain what exactly they meant but no one answered beyond the usual "no love like it" line.

I think it comes down to a couple of things. One being expectations. Mine were clearly too high and so I've been left somewhat disappointed by the whole gig. I'd heard so many times that the love you feel when you have your baby is so otherworldly that I was expecting fireworks in the delivery room suffice to say I felt not much really and was just relieved the whole ordeal was over. It was never instantaneous love with my DC - I grew to love them and even then it's never been "unlike anything I've ever felt before"...I'd never say it in real life but I was just as enamoured when my dog was a little puppy!

Personality plays a role too I imagine as I'm just not the selfless/soppy, "I shall worship you and sacrifice myself" type.

But ultimately (in my case anyway) I think circumstances are really the difference between delighting in parenting or surviving it. Having them with the wrong person and having to shoulder it all kind of ruins everything!

I would have had them later. I had my first at 24 when I was young, insecure, didn’t know myself, didn’t know what I wanted etc.

I wish I’d had them mid thirties onwards as I was in a better place mentally and career-wise.