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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had your time again would you still Chose to have children?

340 replies

Nofoolfornoone · 29/02/2020 21:40

I’m not asking if you love your children or if you wish they wertent around as I’m sure now you have them you wouldn’t change a thing.

But, I want to know, if you are being totally honest, If you had your time again would you still chose to have children?

OP posts:
DICarter1 · 01/03/2020 11:56

@AngstyAnnie two of our kids have Sen which makes life tough but having another adult in the house who doesn’t share the load has made me very very resentful. He states we are a team but he seems to have divided up the duties and left me with the bits he doesn’t want to do or can’t be bothered to do. It’s slowly killing my marriage.

MamaFlintstone · 01/03/2020 11:59

Yes I would. But equally I think, now I have DD, that I could have found peace and happiness without having children - and before I had her, that’s not how I felt.

Greenmarmalade · 01/03/2020 12:00

I think that i would have a fulfilling career and hobbies had I not had children, though. I have an ok career, but definitely not anywhere near the level I would be. Plus I’d be able to travel more freely and I’d like to have worked in several countries.

Greenmarmalade · 01/03/2020 12:01

Yes, @MamaFlintstone, I’m the same.

bobstersmum · 01/03/2020 12:01

Yes I definitely would but I think I'd have had them in early to mid twenties rather than early thirties as I do feel old! As it is now when my youngest is 18 I will be 53.

Thymelord · 01/03/2020 12:02

Nope.

Thymelord · 01/03/2020 12:04

People rarely regret having kids, but they often do regret not having them

In my experience, this is completely untrue. All you ever hear about is people who've saddled themselves with multiple kids moaning about tiredness and lack of money and freedom and blah blah blah. Everyone I know says they wouldn't have them if the my had their time over again.

MarshaBradyo · 01/03/2020 12:07

I don’t know anyone who says they regret having their dc. Maybe it’s in pockets together either way.

pinkhousesarebest · 01/03/2020 12:11

Cactus2020 that is me to a tee. Mine are now 16 and 18. I adore the life they has led us on but it amazes me that it ever happened. My dm hated being a mother and as a result, I never wanted children.
The only thing is the anxiety. My df said on the birth of my son “ Welcome to the world of worry”. He was so right.

needmorecoffeeandcake · 01/03/2020 12:13

Yes I adore my DC and enjoy being a parent.

SummerPavillion · 01/03/2020 12:17

I very much doubt there are many of us in the "no" camp who don't adore our dc, or enjoy their company. It's often the circumstances that feel unbearable.

AngstyAnnie · 01/03/2020 12:22

I can only imagine how much harder it must be to carry the load when the DC have SEN DICarter1. The resentment is so difficult to live with. I sincerely doubt my marriage will survive, as I'm currently mostly hanging in there "for the kids" - which is sad because this could all have been prevented if he'd simply put in the effort to do his fair share.

I hope things improve for you Flowers

Annoyedbyworkgossip · 01/03/2020 12:47

Yes. I find it hard but I enjoy life so much more with them and seeing things from their perspective.

Brettney · 01/03/2020 12:49

Yes, I am glad we just have one though, it's been a great balance for us.

maginachevalier · 01/03/2020 13:04

No I wouldn't. Although I love him I don't think I would have him for his own good . It's emotionally exhausting especially as a single parent

corythatwas · 01/03/2020 13:21

The way I look at it, it's one of many possible ways of life. You don't have to assume that because it may be fulfilling for some people it is therefore a necessary path to fulfilment for other people. Conversely if this is not the path for you, you don't need to be able to show that it is therefore a worthless path for others. Life is such a rich and varied thing, there are so many ways of filling it.

Yes, for me parenthood has been a fulfilling experience. But so has my career as a rather niche academic. So has my hobby breeding tropical fish. Doesn't mean I go around insisting everybody else would be fulfilled, let alone can only be fulfilled by filling their lives with ancient manuscripts or Mexican fish. There is so much out there!

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/03/2020 13:56

After ttc for 10yrs and 4 previous failed ivf my df and I were overjoyed that our 5th private ivf worked

So no regrets at all

I would have been heartbroken if I wasn’t a mum

Our daughter is my world

And as took so long to get preg and the love I feel for her , and the way she snuggles to me. Says she loves me. Cuddles me. Melts my heart

Obv not everyone is lucky enough to to be a parent

But if you want to be one and not that is hard

Glitterblue · 01/03/2020 14:11

Totally, but I'd have started trying sooner and hopefully had more than one. She was born when I was 34, and I had a lot of complications, things that get more of a risk with age, so we didn't dare try for another and I always wish we'd been able to.

Sickofrain · 01/03/2020 14:13

100%
We still do the stuff we used to love doing, but now there's more of us to do it with.

User12879923378 · 01/03/2020 14:21

Yes. I had a miscarriage, an unexpected late-term stillbirth and every complication under the sun and I'd go through every bit of it again to have her. Like others I sometimes wish I had started earlier as I would love to have another baby but I doubt it's possible and also am slightly anxious about how hard the last pregnancy was - but equally I have so much more clout at work now, we have so much more financial stability. I have been able to go down to a four day week without having to worry about status or stability, which I really would not have been able to contemplate ten or even five years ago. And not worrying about status at work gives me so much more headspace to enjoy the time I have with her. So I can't really regret any of it, except that I wish I had all three of the children that I conceived.

dayswithaY · 01/03/2020 14:44

@MrsSnitchnose @Ethelfleda thanks for your words. We have to be honest so other people who struggle know they're not alone or weird. You can fall in love with your children but still feel like you're not quite cut out for the role. And no one can tell you that before your experience it. Flowers

Monkeynuts18 · 01/03/2020 15:24

I was thinking about this yesterday.

My son is beautiful and lovely and I adore him.

But I’ve had a lot of health problems since he arrived (birth related and breastfeeding related) and I’m finding the constant low-level anxiety about his wellbeing really hard to adjust to. Plus the constant torment about whether I’m doing the right thing for him. Should I put him in nursery? Should I go back to work full time or part time? Am I doing weaning right?

So even though he is perfect and a dream come true... if I’d known about the toll on my health, the anguish about my parenting choices and the constant worry - no I probably wouldn’t have done it.

I do wonder though if I’m having a particularly rough time in the baby phase. Maybe my answer will be different in 3 years’ time!

Monkeynuts18 · 01/03/2020 15:27

I forgot to mention - if I’d known about the strain it would place on my marriage, too.

ladycarlotta · 01/03/2020 15:43

If I'd had my time again I'd have been a bit more fearless and packed in more before having my daughter, like live abroad. But I wouldn't change anything about her - I absolutely love having her and enjoy my life as it now is.

LeavingTheTable · 01/03/2020 15:45

My DD is the best thing about my life, so yes.

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