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Original poster

To wonder how dads can not bother with their Dc?

193 replies

Foxton20 · 29/02/2020 20:19

Me and my ex husband separated in 2013. Since then he was a “decent” dad until he met his partner in 2015. He saw the kids every other weekend and during the week before then. But never paid a penny towards them.

After meeting his partner and having a child with her he has seen them 3x. He has declared he wants nothing to do with them and would like to sign them over so my now husband adopts them.

He doesn’t pay a penny and the times Iv tried he has tried to ruin my life. Threatening me, messaging mine and my in laws etc. It’s not worth the £20 a week.

Today is our oldest 12th birthday and once again not a peep. Nothing from his family either.

How can you sit in your home or going about your life and not think about your oldest child on their birthday?

My husband is amazing and I’m so grateful at how he treats the older two and our child exactly the same. Dd has had another amazing birthday thanks to him.

I don’t was xh in our lives but I wished he was a better man who I could have co parented with. Can’t believe he’s nearly 40 and still immature.

The kids never ask to see him, they have witnessed a lot is abuse sadly.

OP posts:
ArtemisOfOrtygia · 02/03/2020 07:33

Or maybe they’re just feckless twats who need to take full responsibility for their own less than stellar behaviour.
Same can be said to women though. Women need to take responsibility for who they choose to make babies with. Responsibility goes both ways.

PicsInRed · 02/03/2020 07:49

Well, obviously, if only stupid women end up with bad men and bad fathers, then the "clever" ones will be safe, eh? Hmm

And I see very many "clever" women on this thread.

zsazsajuju · 02/03/2020 07:52

@Artemis - women need to be responsible to who for who they make children with? Their children they made?

I think there’s a point in there tho. We all need to judge men who leave their children in the same way we would judge women who did that. But we also need to stop holding women responsible for men’s bad acts.

MarieQueenofScots · 02/03/2020 07:58

Same can be said to women though. Women need to take responsibility for who they choose to make babies with. Responsibility goes both ways

Course it does. Because women are held to a far higher standard than men.

Over 90% of single parent families are headed up by women. There’s in the region of 1.7 million families.

If you think that’s because women don’t take responsibility, you’re massively naive and playing into a worthy parent narrative.

Chucklecheeks01 · 02/03/2020 08:29

@eeehbygum my Exh told me I'd turned our DD in to a bitch like me. He favours her brother abd DD refuses to see him a lot of the tkme. He's guven up on her ss ive ruined her. The difference is our son is nine and hasnt really realised what his dad is like yet.

Our DD has learnt to say no, that she disagrees and wont accept his behaviour.

The pp wasnt blaming the single mothers personalities.

KeepYourWigOn · 02/03/2020 09:02

To put it succinctly, it's too much effort. Many (not all) men are lazy and selfish, we see it on these threads every day. They continue their time consuming hobbies, their social lives etc without a thought about who's looking after the kids. Once they no longer live with the DC their selfishness means they don't see how it benefits them to have to be available for their DC so they don't bother.

I stress not all as my DH has always been a loving and involved dad and our adult children have a great relationship with him.

Pick your partner wisely. As a previous poster said, if he's lazy or responsibility avoidant that won't change when DC come along.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/03/2020 09:04

But a lot of men don't show their true colours until after the baby is born. It's easy to say "women should choose better" but it's impossible to predict what life will be like when a child is thrown into the mix.

peakygal · 02/03/2020 09:13

My 11 yo hasn't seen her Dad since August..I have tried everything and nothing works. His issue is I won't allow him to smoke weed around her and I found out he'd been taking her on deals. He goes around playing the "She won't let me see her" card but I have 100s of texts to prove Ive done my best to get him to cop on...I don't know how anyone can wake up, go about their day and then sleep easy at night knowing they have a child out there and not knowing a thing about them. It boggles my mind...If I wasnt able to see my kids I would be fighting tooth and nail and do everything to change that

Graphista · 02/03/2020 18:12

Artemis why are you even on this thread? To the best of my knowledge you have no dc and have no experience as an abandoned dc. Very odd to come on and put forward such a goady opinion on a subject that I don’t think you have any experience with.

Unless your “very traditional” fiancé has a child from another relationship? Or your father?

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/03/2020 18:47

Fuck off with blaming women for choosing feckless men Artemis

I was married 20 years before he starting hitting me and became the deadbeat dad he is now.

I do apologise for not having a bloody crystal ball.

Warsawa31 · 02/03/2020 19:03

Sorry to hear this OP.

It’s so common isn’t it. My own dad did this to me when I was 2. We reconnected at 21 and to be fair we do have a good relationship now.

Since becoming a father myself however I find it inconceivable that I could ever do this to my little angel.

Out of my friends two of them have multiple kids and don’t bother seeing them. They have little or no interest know raising their kids but Getting a vasectomy never seems to cross their minds tho.

If I had my way non payment of child support would be a criminal offence (why the fuck is non payment of tv licence criminal but not Child support) with jail time as the punishment. It’s just a choice in this country. You can force someone not to be a twat but they should at least pay for their children

MarieQueenofScots · 02/03/2020 19:06

Out of my friends two of them have multiple kids and don’t bother seeing them

This is what makes it socially acceptable. People acknowledging how crap the behaviour is, but still carrying on being friends with them.

Warsawa31 · 02/03/2020 19:13

@MarieQueenofScots.

It’s not acceptable at all. Its not up to me to make them pay Though is it. they are people on my football team. What am I supposed to do give up my hobby because of other peoples shit choices.

MarieQueenofScots · 02/03/2020 19:16

It’s not acceptable at all. Its not up to me to make them pay Though is it. they are people on my football team. What am I supposed to do give up my hobby because of other peoples shit choices

I would make it very clear how unacceptable it was. I wouldn’t class them as “friends”.

When me and my ex split up, he ended up finishing doing business with a “friend” because he found out what a shithouse he was over his kids.

If only more decent men made a stand.

Warsawa31 · 02/03/2020 19:22

I used the term friends when I should have said team mates, just easier I suppose. I don’t hang out with them except as part of the whole team.

I have challenged them before as have others and they know the majority of our teams feelings toward the subject.

I wish I could influence people to not behave in ways that hurt kids. All I can do is be the best dad I can be.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/03/2020 19:31

Pick your partner wisely

Some will change after but many do show their true colours from the start. Some just aren’t really known as the pregnancy happens so soon.

Mary Queen, I agree. I don’t think I could be friends with some one who didn’t see their children or wasn’t financially supporting them themselves.

SistemaAddict · 02/03/2020 19:35

It baffles me. My ex has only seen our son once in 5 years-3.5 years ago now and I've heard nothing from him since. And I had to travel there to see him requiring a 3.5 hour train journey and a hotel stay. Waste of space he is. I don't regret my ds though. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

AuntyMcAoife · 02/03/2020 19:56

Ex and I broke up (OW) when DC was 10. Up until that point he had been a very involved loving dad.

Saw him for a few months and then disappeared. He now hasn't see his DC for 5 years.

Its beyond unfathomable.

KLS02 · 02/03/2020 20:00

it’s happened to me twice now, both when i get pregnant. it’s like they think they can do what they want to me now because i’m carrying their baby and when i stand up for myself they don’t want anything to do with their child

MrsGrindah · 02/03/2020 20:07

If only more decent men made a stand

I very much doubt that mere peer disapproval will prevent these tossers shagging and being prepared to walk away from the consequences.

Gizmo79 · 02/03/2020 20:22

I agree with a PP that it should be a jailable offence. These men are withholding money from their own children. What kind of country are we that allows that but jails people over tv licenses, which ironically has a majority of women being jailed for due to circumstances.
My daughter is owed thousands from her father, but as he doesn’t want to be seen as a cash machine he won’t work or even claim benefits, instead scrounging off his pensioner mother. He was working until I gave birth by the way, and he very much wanted me to get pregnant even though I wasn’t sure. Stupid me I agree.

Graphista · 03/03/2020 00:54

“I very much doubt that mere peer disapproval will prevent these tossers shagging and being prepared to walk away from the consequences.”

Actually an action becoming socially unacceptable, backed up by enforcement of appropriate laws DOES make a difference.

See:

Drunk driving
Speeding
Racism
Sexism

It’s gradual but it does change things.

MrsGrindah · 03/03/2020 05:43

Backed up by laws though. Disapproval simply isn’t enough.

MarieQueenofScots · 03/03/2020 06:52

Backed up by laws though. Disapproval simply isn’t enough

Fortunately I didn’t suggest it was. But it certainly makes a difference

MsTSwift · 03/03/2020 06:59

It must be that they see the children as an extension of the mother so if relationship ends so does their role as father to those children.

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