To wonder how dads can not bother with their Dc?

[Foxton20]

Me and my ex husband separated in 2013. Since then he was a “decent” dad until he met his partner in 2015. He saw the kids every other weekend and during the week before then. But never paid a penny towards them.

After meeting his partner and having a child with her he has seen them 3x. He has declared he wants nothing to do with them and would like to sign them over so my now husband adopts them.

He doesn’t pay a penny and the times Iv tried he has tried to ruin my life. Threatening me, messaging mine and my in laws etc. It’s not worth the £20 a week.

Today is our oldest 12th birthday and once again not a peep. Nothing from his family either.

How can you sit in your home or going about your life and not think about your oldest child on their birthday?

My husband is amazing and I’m so grateful at how he treats the older two and our child exactly the same. Dd has had another amazing birthday thanks to him.

I don’t was xh in our lives but I wished he was a better man who I could have co parented with. Can’t believe he’s nearly 40 and still immature.

The kids never ask to see him, they have witnessed a lot is abuse sadly.

I fail to understand it as well. My sister was cheated on by her fiance after their second born. He told her (because she was a size 8 and not a size 6 anymore) she was too 'mumsy' and had let herself go he 'was looking round'. Now he's playing happy families with another woman and her (NOT HIS) child. My sister never chased him for money as it would give him more credibility or whatever if he changed his mind in the future. Kid is now in his teens and well shot of such a deadbeat dad. I think he's asked about him once and appreciates everything his mum does to make sure he gets everything he needs.
Some men just aren't meant to be fathers.

I think a pp has it - we tolerate and don’t judge this type of behaviour from men. Somehow they are still nice people and it doesn’t matter if they are shit parents in the same way as it does for women.

As a society we should treat such men as the pariahs they are. And we need a decent cms system to ensure parents pay for their children (we should treat it as neglect).

I understand it. I've witnessed my x for the last 17 years.

The hard part of parenting is beneath him and he capitalises on the fact that he knows I won't step away from 100% of the responsibility. He gets 100% of the freedom and yet still blames me for his bad relationship with his teens (he's wrong, I used to encourage them to stay in touch. But now they don't want to).

He didn't make the connection between doing the grunt work when they were small and them feeling ''grateful'' or ''respectful'' to him later in their lives. He assumed he could just pick it all up later I think. That they'd want him. It never occurred to him that they would see him as lacking I don't think. He viewed me with contempt and he honestly thought that they would too!

@BluebellCockleshell123 I think for a lot of men the main dish is the marriage or the relationship and the children are like a side order. So they love them if they're all under the same roof but they won't go out for just the side order. Sounds such a horrible analogy but I've seen it so many times.

I was basically unintentionally created by a sperm donor and think that does a lot less damage to a child than a dad with an established relationship that leaves it behind him, especially if he goes on to have more children or close step-children. That, I cannot fathom. At least never had a personal relationship or felt personally rejected.

I can't grasp the concept of loving and living with your children, and then becoming a total stranger to them.

Some people are just plain nasty. Don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. Hard to accept but you have to if you want to move on.

My own waste of space father did the same thing. He left my mother and also left my siblings and I .
He moved to another country and didn’t bother writing to us
I look at my wonderful husband ( who dotes on our children) and wonder how my own father could abandon us.
The irony is that when he was old and infirm he suddenly realised that he had children and asked for financial assistance.
When he died, I did not shed a tear.

when he was old and infirm
Any port in a storm eh🙄🌊
I agree with everyone it's so shocking and upsetting when someone cuts their children out like that 😥

I'm right at the start of this. In September I kicked DS's dad out as he physically abused both DS (then 7 months) and I. Between Sep-Dec he saw DS, supervised, once a week but never interacted with DS or played with him or anything. In Dec he mentioned he was taking drugs (!!) and that also he couldn't afford to pay maintenance (we had a private arrangement for maintenance then).

Now it's March tomorrow and he last saw DS in December. I've been to court and got an injunction as he wouldn't stop texting me but none of his texts were about DS, just about how I'm awful and all I want is his money. In the injunction it said that if he seeks contact with DS, he has to talk to my solicitors. Had a phone call with them on Friday about paperwork and I asked them if he'd contacted them, but nope, they've heard nothing. He was also due to pay the first amount of maintenance through direct pay through CMS on Friday, but he hasn't done that either.

Yet he bangs on online how he loves DS so so much and I'm stopping him from seeing DS. Honestly, I hate him for it and I don't say that lightly. He has failed DS massively and my DS deserves so much better. But you know what, DS is amazing and his "dad" is missing out.

The part that hurts the most is that most of my friends agree with my ex, that I'm awful and stopping him from seeing DS, even though I never have. He just can't be bothered.

One excuse he used for not seeing them one weekend was the rain?

Wow My ex used this exact same excuse! That he wouldn’t be seeing them on a day he planned because it was raining. It’s shocking.

My ex is the same. I think they justify it to themselves and convince themselves it’s not their fault. They lie about why they don’t see their children so many times to other people that they start to believe their own lies. I also think that analogy is quite true Theyearofthedog.

I know this gets into the realms of biological reductivism but I honestly think that for some men, it's very easy to shut off once they've moved on. Their priority is their current partner.

He assumed he could just pick it all up later I think. That they'd want him.

I fully expect my ex to rock up for my eldests 18th birthday with the expectation of taking him for a pint and having a glorious matey relationship with him.

I for one am glad. My DS1 doesn't need that arsehole in his life and neither do I.

Glad your new DH is lovely and can be a real Dad to them x

I discovered my father had raised his 2nd wife’s children, and had a close and loving relationship with his stepdaughter, after abandoning me when I was 8. We had no further contact until I was 38 and then he was immediately excitedly telling me about her wedding that he was organising. I mean, really! He also told me that she was more important to him than I was.

I think men like this project their feelings about the mother onto the children, vice versa with the stepchildren/new family. They’ve got to be really thick, shallow excuses for human beings.

My dad did exactly this to me as a child. My advice would be to give him what he wants as the kids don’t ask to see him. Make a point of supporting the relationship they have with your dp and make sure your kids know it’s a problem going on with your ex and not them.

My own father tried crawling back into my life once I reached 18 and even asked to come to my graduation at 21. I said no.

I don’t know what goes though their minds but they’re probably narcissists.

Ex moved abroad with a new partner when dc were young and didn't find out for over a year after the fact, DC were devastated they had spent months very upset while visiting family ex lived with but never seeing ex.
I was then expected to continue to deliver DC on visit to exes family as usual ( I had previously done all drop offs and pick ups) and DC could then see their father at random unannounced times/dates.
DC have never been known where exactly he moved to.
ex too paid zero maintenance.
Out of sight out of mind seemed like the only obvious answer.
Ex only viewed DC as an extension of our relationship and once we spilt he threatened to have nothing more to do with them if I refused to remain with him.

Gammarays my ex also puts posts all over social media saying how much he loves our children and claiming I won’t let him see them. He wouldn’t admit that time and time again he’s refused to see them, brought them back early, even dumping them on my doorstep when I was out because he was mad I wouldn’t tell him who had text me when I dropped them off at his 30 minutes earlier. They were five and seven and I had to rush home after getting a text to say I could find them on my front door step. He’s a total narcissistic liar and I hate him. I have never put anything on social media defending myself or mentioning him although it’s been tempting at times. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone. Anyone close to me knows our history and fully supports me. Your friends do not sound like friends at all. X

I honestly don't get it either op. How can a parent create a child and not feel a bond to care for them and take responsibility.
Ultimately it comes down to their own selfishness and they create their own narrative to justify it.

My ex of many moons has never provided for my dc or been consistent in contact with her. Always his life and his interests get in the way of his responsibility to his kids. No christmases or birthdays for my dc while he lives hand to mouth buying himself new gadgets or servicing his many short lived hobbies, she is lucky if she gets a phone call. He isn't cruel or unkind to dc just selfish to the core, he won't ever be the kind of dad a child deserves and in the end it will be him that pays the price.

One time he posted(vertue signalled) on sm about providing for his few kids. Oh how I laughed.

Some very sad situations above and my own family have not escaped a couple of negligent fathers and dads who appear not to miss their children much at all after divorce.

It is all too common sadly but not all men are like this. Despite the two shameful examples of fatherhood around me there is another who is the opposite and he is a wonderful and devoted dad to his two young children. His wife moans at him from time to time because he forgets to pick his clothes up but he is a paragon, an angel of a dad.

If they ever split up I have no doubt he would be just as dedicated to his children, probably even more so as he would not be living with them.

I think the fact it's not socially unacceptable is a huge part of the issue

There is a man that I know who is currently being made a pariah by his wife and their social circle because he was caught drink driving in her car

Apparently the fact he risked her car is worthy of social media rants, public dressing downs and being kicked out of the house

The fact he abandoned his children and hasn't paid a penny for them (including emptying the joint account when he left their mother) is "none of her business" and "complicated" because he was a nice guy...

I know several guys who apparently have psycho exes, who make their lives impossible, who want all their money and who alienate them from their children...

Yet I only know one who has almost bankrupted himself, and made himself ill, trying to get and enforce contact with his kids. I don't even know any other who bothered with the first legal steps

My cousin did this - divorced then stopped seeing his two children. He went on the remarry and had another child (as well as bringing up a stepchild). He posts lots of photos on social media of him doing all sorts of things with his youngest and his friends/colleagues fall over themselves to say what an amazing dad he is - he disgusts me. I wonder if his youngest even knows they have half-siblings.

It’s a super common scenario. I sometimes wonder why men have children at all. So many of them seem to resent it or slack off when it comes to the hard work. It also seems to be the ones that push for children the most that end up making the least effort!

I wouldn’t risk having children in this day and age.

My ex husband hasn’t seen our children since Dec 17th 2005. I threw him out in the January of that year (got fed up with his lies and apathy towards our relationship, plus he was having an affair) and he barely saw them over that year. The CSA has to get a court order for him to pay child support. It took me years to get divorced as he wouldn’t sign the papers but as soon as I asked for permission to remove the children from the UK he sent the paperwork back by return mail. He knew there’d be no child support owing if we left the UK.

He married the OW and had 3 children with her and surprise, surprise has just left her too and won’t ever see their children again. He left the UK and transferred to Singapore with his work. He literally left a note on the kitchen table for his wife to find when she came home.

I feel sorry for their children but not her, she was awful to my kids whenever she saw them and was sleeping with my husband for months before I threw him out.

My eldest was 9 when exH left and his eldest son with his 2nd wife was 13 when he left them. Everything in my exHs life has an expiry date, friendships, family, job, relationships. He’s going to be miserable his entire life as he doesn’t have any staying power for anything and is incapable of commitment.

@thefourgp I'm so sorry your children had to go through having to deal with him, and that you had to as well. That's awful, just leaving them! And over a text alert, the arsehole.

I'm tempted to say things about him but won't stoop to that level. It's not worth it and I can't put that on DS either. I stopped talking to these "friends" after they defended my ex taking drugs over paying maintenance and one even posted online, on a post ex put up "don't worry baby boy, we'll make sure you see your daddy soon" and honestly it sickened me. She has no say over what happens with my son and quite frankly can fuck herself if she thinks she has any "making sure" of anything in DS's life. He's not DS's daddy anymore, just a guy who couldn't be bothered. I'm sure you feel the same way about your ex.