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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder how dads can not bother with their Dc?

193 replies

Foxton20 · 29/02/2020 20:19

Me and my ex husband separated in 2013. Since then he was a “decent” dad until he met his partner in 2015. He saw the kids every other weekend and during the week before then. But never paid a penny towards them.

After meeting his partner and having a child with her he has seen them 3x. He has declared he wants nothing to do with them and would like to sign them over so my now husband adopts them.

He doesn’t pay a penny and the times Iv tried he has tried to ruin my life. Threatening me, messaging mine and my in laws etc. It’s not worth the £20 a week.

Today is our oldest 12th birthday and once again not a peep. Nothing from his family either.

How can you sit in your home or going about your life and not think about your oldest child on their birthday?

My husband is amazing and I’m so grateful at how he treats the older two and our child exactly the same. Dd has had another amazing birthday thanks to him.

I don’t was xh in our lives but I wished he was a better man who I could have co parented with. Can’t believe he’s nearly 40 and still immature.

The kids never ask to see him, they have witnessed a lot is abuse sadly.

OP posts:
TitusP · 01/03/2020 09:31

I am fortunate to have mostly good experiences of Dads, my own included, who coparented with my Mum pretty well despite them really not liking each other and never missed a maintenance payment. It is interesting though that the men at work who have shifted working patterns for childcare purposes are seen as great dads and really praised for it but when women do this it’s seen as normal. I think as a society we have far too low expectations of men including praising them for things that are seen as everyday for women.

My uncle on the other hand bounces from woman to woman making families and leaving the old ones behind. He is currently on his fourth family, he is in his 60s and looks every day of it, she is about 20 years younger. He disgusts me, but he thinks he is an amazing Dad. I know people on here band the word narcissist around a lot but he really is textbook. My mother says he was exactly the same as a child so it seems deeply engrained. It’s desperately sad to see some of my cousins he left behind desperately trying to win his love. As others have said I think he sees his children as belonging to their mother so when he jumps ship to the next one they are nothing to do with him anymore.

MegaClutterSlut · 01/03/2020 09:36

My dad was/is unfortunately this. He really used to be an amazing dad to all us 5 before he and my mum split. He was a very hands on dad but once he left, maybe twice a year we use to see him and he lived 5 minutes down the road. My mum has MH
issues and used to beg him to take us for a few days while she got help, he refused everytime.

We all have resentment towards him, some more then others. My kids don't really know him and when younger they use to call him 'new grandad' Hmm I will never understand how they can just abandon their dcs like that, ever

converseandjeans · 01/03/2020 09:55

I've worked with countless men who proudly boasted about getting out of paying maintenance. Professional environment, very good salaries
This is awful. I think the rules need to change tbh as they know the taxpayer will cough up. They get to keep their wages & Mum left behind has to manage juggling childcare, taking kids to activities, all housework etc and has to rely on universal credit or whatever. So their kids get things like free school meals when really they should be feeding their own kids.
All credit to those Mums out there who are doing it all alone.

emilybrontescorsett · 01/03/2020 09:58

Why do so many women have children with these men who have left previous children?

Iwantacookie · 01/03/2020 10:05

@foxton you cry inside about how unfair it is that this perfect child you created together is shunned and wait it out until the dc are old enough to see for themselves.
Ds2 barely sees his dad and hasn't even met his youngest 2 siblings.

All you can do is keep the offer of contact clear so that the dc can see their dad is choosing not to contact them.

I'm sorry your dc are having this issue. No child should not be adored by the person who made them.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 01/03/2020 10:07

I often wonder when reading threads like this, and ones where dad's seem to have missed the memo that life after kids is different from before whether there is just a significant minority of men who have kids despite not actively wanting them? So are just neutral on whether to have them, but have them because the woman wants them or feel it's "what happens next" after partnering up? I wonder if the fact biologically having kids has such a bigger effect on women that we actually think it through more first?

No excuses though, if it's true it just means that same group of men are fucking idiots!

UYScuti · 01/03/2020 10:22

Its as if those men are only prepared to invest in their children if they receive 'services' from the mother of the children in return
If the mother isn't working for them, ie not providing sex, domestic services, emotional support etc then they don't feel as if if they owe anything to the children ☹️

UYScuti · 01/03/2020 10:27

I do of course recognise that lots of men, the majority of men are great parents who genuinely want the best for their children and there are also women who behave appallingly towards their own children

EnterFunnyNameHere · 01/03/2020 10:29

@UYScuti I think you might have something there. Or like men are more likely to see the kids as an extension of the wife, and so if they don't feel they are getting enough back from the wife the withhold from the "wife'n'kids" package as one? Maybe hence the lack of child support, they can't differentiate that is helping support their kids and see it as supporting the former wife?

BorneoBabe · 01/03/2020 10:42

Why do so many women have children with these men who have left previous children?

You see the new women on here all the time, calling his ex "crazy" and trying to minimise maintenance payments ("I'm a high earner - can my DP stop working and not pay maintenance to his ex?")

PumpkinP · 01/03/2020 10:54

Why do so many women have children with these men who have left previous children?

Because they probably believe the lies that they are “being stopped from seeing them” my ex has told me he doesn’t tell people he has children.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 01/03/2020 11:33

If this is the case it sounds like women need to reassess.

Yy^

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 01/03/2020 11:39

Why do so many women have children with these men who have left previous children?

Low standards
Thinks she’s so special he will really love her, so will never leave.
Believes all the stuff about ex being psycho and keeping the kids from him
He has something she wants (Money, own home, good job)
She really fancies him so ignores any bad points and before she knows it they’re serious, he’s moved in, she’s pregnant & the bad points are suddenly all too apparent.

Paddingtonthebear · 01/03/2020 11:42

My biological dad has never had any involvement in my life but has known of my existence since day one. I’m in my 40’s now, never met him or had any contact with him. And I doubt I ever will. He has another child I think. I don’t think they know about me. I can’t imagine pretending to myself that I don’t have a child.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/03/2020 12:00

Why do so many women have children with these men who have left previous children

They believe you need a child in every relationship for it to be a “proper” one
They want the house, salary, not to work etc
They don’t want to be alone so any relationship is better than none
They think a child keeps a relationship together

Far too many reasons to list.

PegasusReturns · 01/03/2020 12:07

I have a friend who had a child after a long relationship with a man who walked away and has chosen not to see the child. He’s a lawyer, now married with a “new” family and has never acknowledged their DD. Obviously doesn’t pay anything.

It’s so odd.

MsLumley · 01/03/2020 12:17

I haven't seen my father for almost 30 years. He was a lying cheating piece of shit who destroyed my mum's life and she still bears the emotional scars of it to this day.

I have no regrets at all about not having any contact with him but as a parent myself now I just cannot comprehend how any parent, male or female, can live their lives without knowing what their children are doing, how they are, or what they even look like. Needless to say he never paid a penny of maintenance either and wouldn't have given a shit if we'd been made homeless. All this to punish my mother for divorcing him after he cheated on her and made her feel worthless time and time again.

Another thing I can't understand is how his second wife never questioned why he didn't see, or pay for, his kids. Why he would spend time and money going to court to avoid paying maintenance. Why he wouldn't even send a birthday card to his kids. How can that not be a red flag? Of course she found this out the hard way when he did exactly the same thing to her and their two DCs a few years later.

MinnieMountain · 01/03/2020 12:22

My DPs divorced when I was 2 and DSIS and I saw plenty of DF. DF had an unplanned DS with a new DP when I was 7. They split up immediately.

Despite only living 20 miles away, DF made very little effort to see DB after he was 7 or so. I never understood why. DF would say things like "They never say thank you for his birthday present, so why should I bother to give him one?".

DF is trying with DB now but he's in his 30's and it's clearly too late.

roseelizabeth · 01/03/2020 12:23

I have this. My ex-husband last saw my 11 year old when she was 3. Yet he still has parental responsibility so I had to go begging to him last year when my daughter was offered an amazing opportunity abroad. He was VERY difficult about it all. I even tried to reason with him by saying the CSA he pays has meant she could attend an amazing drama school which has led to this opportunity, but no, apparently all "his" money goes to me and MY holidays (I've never been on holiday without my kids). Even after he signed her travel papers, he never asked to see her. Yet when said opportunity came on TV, he was quick to post it all over his social media about how "proud" he was Hmm. I really don't understand him, and often wonder what his social media followers thought about him posting of a girl he had never mentioned on his social media in the 8 years previously?!

TheYearOfTheDog · 01/03/2020 12:39

Oh that attitude is so exasperating.

You provide a home an education and a social life for your child and the bear minimum maintenance paing types still believe you are taking from them!
As though you have NO right to ever have a standard of living yourself. They dont acknowledge that children are passengers to your standard of living. And if you dont ALWAYS make sacrifices for your child's life, you are taking too much.

maginachevalier · 01/03/2020 13:25

My ex is the same . Has never met our ds although he pays maintenance. He's married and is a dad to his step son and their dad . He's actually in town this weekend but hasn't bothered. I feel so desperately sad for my son and will forever regret not picking better for him Sad

managedmis · 01/03/2020 13:30

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny in maintenance'??

AnneElliott · 01/03/2020 13:39

Not sure if you're being sarcastic Moom - I'm hoping no one on a parenting website needs evidence of the biological differences between men and women Wink

And is it not both sexes that do this. I know personally of more than 10 men who behave like this. Yet I don't know myself any women - the one individual I heard about was a parent at DSs primary school who was a single dad.

Yes some women are not good Mothers. But they tend not to run off into the sunset never to be seen again. And I think it's society pressure/expectation that does it. That's why I think we all need to shun the men that behave like this. Any suggestion of not paying for, or parenting your own children should be received with disgust.

Mylifestartstoday · 01/03/2020 13:52

My STBXH was a brilliant hands on dad until he had an affair. Since then, he has been awful. We’ve got 2 teenagers and for the first few months he didn’t even message them. The eldest now won’t see him, the youngest sees him a few hours a week. It worries me that when he meets someone he will drop our child. He takes no interest in them really, never asks about their days etc all they get is a nightly love you text. The same one, copied and pasted, every single night. He pays no maintenance because I think he genuinely believes I’m spending money on myself, he seems quite happy that the government support us rather than himself

PumpkinP · 01/03/2020 14:22

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny in maintenance'??

I already posted a thread about this the other day but just to answer my ex is on UC and has “priority debts” apparently so that means they can’t take any maintenance off him. He hasn’t paid in 3 years. I can not get any. Not everyone can get maintenance

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