To wonder how dads can not bother with their Dc?

[Foxton20]

Me and my ex husband separated in 2013. Since then he was a “decent” dad until he met his partner in 2015. He saw the kids every other weekend and during the week before then. But never paid a penny towards them.

After meeting his partner and having a child with her he has seen them 3x. He has declared he wants nothing to do with them and would like to sign them over so my now husband adopts them.

He doesn’t pay a penny and the times Iv tried he has tried to ruin my life. Threatening me, messaging mine and my in laws etc. It’s not worth the £20 a week.

Today is our oldest 12th birthday and once again not a peep. Nothing from his family either.

How can you sit in your home or going about your life and not think about your oldest child on their birthday?

My husband is amazing and I’m so grateful at how he treats the older two and our child exactly the same. Dd has had another amazing birthday thanks to him.

I don’t was xh in our lives but I wished he was a better man who I could have co parented with. Can’t believe he’s nearly 40 and still immature.

The kids never ask to see him, they have witnessed a lot is abuse sadly.

Juan no I mean he hasn't stepped away and lessened his contact since he's stopped feeling so connected to them.

Sorry, that could've been clearer. Obviously he saw them daily when he was married.

has felt his emotional connection to his children diminish
but these are children to whom he has a duty of care, it's not OK to just go by how you feel, if we treated our children according to how we feel few of them would survive!!
We control our impulses and put their needs ahead of our's, that's what being a parent is about, not 'well I just dont feel like it anymore so I wont' :(

When they behave like this does it always come out of the blue, as in, they're super loving, involved, engaged, proud dads (maybe having kids was his idea), to being disinterested?
Or are there signs to look out for?

My ds1 dad has not seen him since he was 6 months old and we split up.he is 22 now! How can someone go 21 years a d not see their chi!d is beyond me.

What I also don't understand are the women who get in relationship with a man who chooses to have nothing to do with their child! I could not be with someone who disowns their child. Strange!

Fibbib I don't get it either. When I was dating I avoided any man who for any reason did not see his children. Some could have been genuine but I didn't want to take the risk so I steered clear of them all.

He needs to work to improve it. That’s parenting.

I think this is it in a nutshell. Many fathers, not all, but many who have separated seem to lose motivation and blame it on the mothers. In a sense they are probably being truer than they realize, they probably did depend on the mothers whilst they were in a relationship, to support their parenting. And when the mother is not there, they either substitute the mother with a female relative or gf, but often don’t step up themselves.

I’m shocked at this really. I didn’t expect it to happen to my Ex. Or any of my friends exes. However every single one of us has had our exes diminish their fathering of our children once separated, even more than before. My Ex was and is far more vocal about how much he loves and misses DS. But in actuality he does very little. He began by insisting that I was there, then by taking DS to stay at his mothers EOW, and then at his GFs family EOW, often being too busy to see DS much, and now once every couple of months. He seems unable to do the parenting himself, for example he cancelled a holiday with DS because his GF backed out at the last minute. Why didn’t he go just him and DS?

Very common. Very sad.

@GingerBeverage with my Ex, he was always super affectionate, loyal and loving. So I thought he’d be a great Dad. However I ignored what he was like with responsibility. I was the main earner, and organised all bills etc. He was self employed and quite sporadic, didn’t do well under stress, and didn’t respond well to just being reliable and responsible.

So I didn’t see how all this translated into parenthood. As a parent he was also unreliable, stressed easily, avoided anything hard. He had no idea and looked to me to manage it all, but then got cross at me for managing too.

He wanted to see DS as much as he could, but out of his own needs for affection. And couldn’t cope on his own with him. So he’d make excuses, cancel last minute, or have DS but phone me in a state and I’d have to pick him up early.

Then when he got a GF and they got more serious, tbh he needed her more than he wanted being a father. So her needs trumped, and he’d again cancel, and she would even cancel visits and he would let her. Then he said that DS would rather be with his friends, so didnt see him as much. It was because he couldn’t fit in with DS, or be a father. He saw the relationship as one of mates. If DS didn’t want to come, he’d say fine, as you would to a friend.

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny in maintenance'??

With my friend she’s wealthy enough not to need his money and she refuses to give him the satisfaction of what she’s sees as begging for it. He knows he owes it. He won’t pay it so she feels she’s being the bigger person

Same boat here too! My daughters father last saw her 18 years ago, his family too. I can never get my head around it and I’m guessing that’s because I have morals and they clearly don’t.

She has tried on Facebook to speak with him and he blocked her. I was devastated for her being rejected like this.

I then found out he married, had two more children and a few years ago has left them too! He’s now onto the next engagement and will do the same again no doubt.

Some people are just scum

I agree with @FlorencesHunger

Ultimately it comes down to their own selfishness and they create their own narrative to justify it.

Personally, I think there's something "wrong" with people who behave this way and I wish society was more judgmental about it. I know that sounds pompous, but their children didn't ask to be born and they need parental support. Grow up and do it!

I might get a lot of stick for saying this but I honestly think the reason why a lot of men don’t bother with their kids is because their kids remind them of their exes. I’m not justifying it whatsoever but I think men are much more likely to keep in contact with their kids if they have good relationships with their exes. My own partner adores his kids but he even acknowledges that his life would have been much easier had he walked away from all the shit his ex has put him through eg. Demanding unreasonable amounts of maintenance, trying to restrict contact etc- but he didn’t and I respect him massively for it. On the other hand my dad didn’t have much to do with my brother and I growing up and although he’s never said it, I suspect it’s because he didn’t get on with my mum and opted for a more peaceful life with his new partner.

To reiterate again, I’m not defending such men who do walk away from their kids, I’m just speaking from experience as to why they sometimes do cut/minimise contact.

I do agree to an extent Helmlover1 my ex would never take the kids, he only wanted to see them if he could come to my house or I would come out with them when he took them out (wouldn’t take them out alone) If we were getting on then he would see them, if we weren’t then he wouldn’t. He based a lot of contact he had with how he felt about
Me.

Society tells them they arent useful other than for money.

Theres not much difference between the few hours a month they can usually see their children after a divorce etc and zero hours.

Perhaps if custody was 50/50 which highlighted the importance of dads too it would change

You can’t make someone take their kids though? What if they don’t want 50/50 custody or are abusive?

Nobody who has had a healthy upbringing could or would do this to their own children, surely?

Ahem

May I present my ex. Youngest of 4 full siblings, 6 altogether. His dad my ex fil is a decent upstanding chap. Was divorced from 1st wife when he met ex’s mum. Continued to be a very loving and involved father to his 2 from previous marriage, the 2 houses were only 1 street away. He continued paying half the mortgage on that house until it was paid, plus paid decent maintenance before csa was even thought of!

Raised (or rather thought he had) ex and his siblings to be decent, upstanding people. Ex’s brothers both divorced too, both NOT deadbeats!

I accept it may generally be true that it’s learned behaviour but not always.

Ex’s behaviour that caused/followed our split has shocked and embarrassed his family. They’re barely on speaking terms, his eldest brother wants nothing to do with him.

He’s had 5 more with 2nd wife (ow who was also supposedly a friend).

She is actually a decent stepmum and is still in contact with dd.

So he doesn’t have that excuse either.

I have it on very good authority they’re both miserable, he’s regularly cheating on her and she is afraid to leave as she doesn’t want her kids treated like dd. Latest I’ve heard is she’s waiting till youngest is 16.

He’s not seen dd in nearly 7 years, there were a few texts/phone calls but last 5 years there was nothing.

Prior to that I bent over backwards to make it as easy as possible for him and I actually massively regret that.

It was clear from within days of us splitting that he wasn’t interested in still being a father to dd and I wish now I’d let him fade from her life it would’ve been better for her.

Until recently. Apparently his health is failing. So now he’s scared and has regrets and expected to just pick dd up where he left off. But she’s an adult now and is having none of it. The difficulty is she would like to see stepmum and her siblings. So she feels in a quandary.

It’s shitty that it’s not completely socially unacceptable for these men to behave like this.

It’s the downside to the rightful removal of the stigma of being an unmarried mother unfortunately.

I do think it’s good that on mn posters who take up with these men are out straight about the “psycho bitch ex who won’t let me see my kids but takes all my money” bollocks!

We need that message spread more widely to be honest!

That the truth is far more likely to be HE drove her nuts being a shitty partner/husband in whatever way and is now a lazy, selfish, deadbeat dad!

Yes those posters tend to vanish but I hope that such threads go some way to pointing out the likely truth.

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny in maintenance'?? because it’s ridiculously and disgustingly easy for them to avoid paying. The csa and now the cms are fucking useless!!

Or are there signs to look out for?
Sometimes but not always.

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour so if they already have dc from previous relationships that they barely bother with (whatever the excuses) then they’re not very likely to be a better father in the future especially if you too split from him.

Other “red flags” - generally selfish and lazy behaviour. Eg not wanting a fair financial set up in your relationship, not pulling their weight at home, not pulling their weight at work, sexist attitude generally...

@Helmlover1

“I might get a lot of stick for saying this but I honestly think the reason why a lot of men don’t bother with their kids is because their kids remind them of their exes. I’m not justifying it whatsoever but I think men are much more likely to keep in contact with their kids if they have good relationships with their exes.”

Shut up. This is such a nasty thing to insinuate. Blaming mums ‘personality’ for dads being irresponsible, and unloving ie absent? You need a head wobble. Men walk out on their kids because they are not competent adults. They have low morals, limited emotional strength. Lowest of the low.

It's not only men, and not only men with young kids.

My ex is 61, he left when our kids were 17 and 21, and in the following 15 years they've seen him about 6 times. You'd think that his neglect wouldn't bother them so much, but he walked away without a backward glance and it really hurt both of them. He was always " the King of the kids" when they were young, and then suddenly he was gone. He took on his girlfriends kids and his own just got forgotten.

My son, on the other hand, has two children and he has them 100% of the time. His ex dumped them on his doorstep when they were 5 and 10, and went off with her new man. No other kids on the scene , so who knows why she would abandon them. They both have psychiatric care for abandonment issues, but my DS is doing a great job of giving them a good life.

Perhaps if custody was 50/50 which highlighted the importance of dads too it would change

Are you seriously telling the multiple women on this thread who have said their husbands/partners fecked off without a backward glance and have no interest in their children that it is their own fault for not insisting on 50/50 custody??? Do you really believe that these men would want this - since they don't even want every other weekend. And most of them don't even want to contribute the financial contribution you think society values them for.

This attitude sums it up. for a mother it is:

you are completely responsible for your child
you are also responsible for your child's father's relationship with that child.

For men it is

If only the mothers would realise how important you are and gave you responsibility for your child you don't want and wouldn't take anyway, well then I'm sure you'd behave better.

Seriously!!!

As a partner of a Father I don’t normally like to comment on posts like this. But when I went on my first date with him he told me he had a daughter (3 at the time). He said she was and always would be the most important person and I needed to know that (one drink in). We’ve been together 16 years and that one statement is probably why I agreed to a second date

I read somewhere that how men (some men!) feel about their children is tied up with how they feel about the children's mother.
So when the man and the mother get divorced or separate and the feelings go, then so too do the feelings for the children to a certain extent, as they are too tied up with the mother.

@UndomesticHousewife that’s really sad if some men do feel that way, I don’t understand how anyone would choose to be with them after that :(

Because women have terrible taste in men and don't love themselves enough to hold men they date up to a high standard. When you have low or no standards, you're not going to end up with a quality father to your children. It's like choosing to eat raw chicken and then wonder why you end up with salmonella.

Why are men dicks? I don’t know, but it’s definitely the woman’s fault 🙄

Or maybe they’re just feckless twats who need to take full responsibility for their own less than stellar behaviour.