To wonder how dads can not bother with their Dc?

[Foxton20]

Me and my ex husband separated in 2013. Since then he was a “decent” dad until he met his partner in 2015. He saw the kids every other weekend and during the week before then. But never paid a penny towards them.

After meeting his partner and having a child with her he has seen them 3x. He has declared he wants nothing to do with them and would like to sign them over so my now husband adopts them.

He doesn’t pay a penny and the times Iv tried he has tried to ruin my life. Threatening me, messaging mine and my in laws etc. It’s not worth the £20 a week.

Today is our oldest 12th birthday and once again not a peep. Nothing from his family either.

How can you sit in your home or going about your life and not think about your oldest child on their birthday?

My husband is amazing and I’m so grateful at how he treats the older two and our child exactly the same. Dd has had another amazing birthday thanks to him.

I don’t was xh in our lives but I wished he was a better man who I could have co parented with. Can’t believe he’s nearly 40 and still immature.

The kids never ask to see him, they have witnessed a lot is abuse sadly.

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny in maintenance'??

Generally because CMS, and the CSA before them, are hopeless.

It's socially and politically acceptable not to pay maintance, so despite having a whole raft of powers CMS rarely use them in any effective way

My ex had a very distinctive name. CSA were given his name, his address, his DOB, his car reg, his bank details, the fact he was in the military and they still faffed for almost a YEAR without getting any money. Only when I went to the welfare officer for his unit did they speak to some senior officers, who then kicked his arse and made plain they'd view him dimly if it got to DEO stage. That's the only reason he pays still

When my grandparents had to take my siblings and I the CSA assessed my father as being due to pay £64 a week (which the benefits people counted them as getting even though they didn't) and they never got a single penny. When he died a couple of years ago it took sorting out because some of the arrears were due to the Secretary of State because of the rules at the time. I'm in my late 30s!

No government, of any colour, cares about maintenance so CMS will never use their extensive powers effectively

Don’t know either @Foxton20 My ex husband doesn’t bother with my DS. Didn’t realise for 18 months that we’d moved 100 miles away as he never contacted him. Won’t pay maintenance. No birthday or Christmas presents. Last birthday was the first time in years i’d seen my son cry (he was 15) and it was because he’d been with his dad and his dad never once mentioned his birthday. Another year, DS was taken window shopping prior to Christmas but no presents. He ignores my son’s texts for months on end and my son can’t get through to him on the phone. Disgraceful.

In a similar position. My ex can rarely be bothered, and sometimes misses contact for several weeks. He also doesn't pay a penny.

I find it so heart breaking to think that there are men out there fighting to see their dc, and people are using the dc as weapons to hurt their ex.

But it seems just as common for the mothers to be left to pick up the pieces whilst the dad fucks off.

I guess they just move on.

My ex insisted on 50/50 custody so that he'd get half of the money from our house.
I naively agreed, thinking that he had such a close bond with our son that he'd never give up full custody.

A few years later, he:

• moved about 10 miles away,
• dropped 50/50 custody to EOW,
• paid child support for a few months then set up a limited company to hide his income and never paid any more
• twice told HMRC that our son was living with him in an attempt to claim the child benefit
• took our son out for dinner every 2 weeks for a couple of years
• ended up ghosting our son, who hasn't heard from him for years
• no contact now at all, nothing on his 18th or 21st birthdays.

Ironically my ex's current wife was, at the time, working for a local borough looking after disadvantaged children....
And she was the one to email me asking for a breakdown of what i used the child benefit for and wanting to know how much was left every month. I didn't bother replying to that email - she wouldn't have believed me anyway and it was none of her business.

I'm still slightly shocked that my ex could just cut off all contact with our son, it just goes to show that you never really know someone and what they're capable of.

And at the time a male friend was paying thousands to go to court to get access to his daughter for 10 days a month - he couldn't understand how my ex could walk away either....

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny in maintenance'??

Patriarchal society.

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny in maintenance'?? Are you implying something?

Anyway my ex lives with his parents at thw age of 29, relies on them for handouts. No universal credit to deduct from benefits and no job, never worked a day in his life.

Some change jobs when CMS catches up with them. Some are self employed and fiddle the books.

Oh and CMS helpfully closes the claim randomly. Or decides they are no longer pursuing the maintenance or cheerfully tell you, the resident parent, they have written off the debt on your behalf. An employee of mine has a now 18yo son and she's only just started getting 30 quid a month as backpayment for a debt worth tens of thousands. The father thinks he shouldn't pay because he child is 18 and she's already brought him up.

I think that those who exes feel hard done by paying a tiny amount of child maintenance should refuse the maintenance and do it all themselves. I would never allow an ex to lord a pittance of crap low level maintenance over me. My mum did it all herself for 3 children and I did it for one as a single mother. Now I'm divorced with 2 kids and my ex owes me money following divorce. I accept the child maintenance against this debt but when paid in full, I will stop accepting it.

Why because I never want him to say he paid for his child, when paying minimum child maintenance is not paying for your child and also because I would never allow him to lord it over me. I get that it's the childs money and its the childs right. But if the government really thought this then it would not be a pittance and it would be paid regularly and the csa then cms would be actually effective and use the newer apparently better powers to recover child maintenance.

But they don't and there is no political will to make them more effective. Men are mostly in power and men as a group do not give a fuck. No one tag Mr with namalt about my post as I and every woman knows that. But too many men walk away from their children, too many pay a pittance or nothing at all and too many male led organisations do nothing about it and have done nothing about it for generations.

Too many men, women and families turn a blind eye. To that happy go lucky, nice bloke in their family who suddenly has nothing to do with his children.

And to the second wife's and girlfriends who get left in the same way then I think its bloody good karma, as when they were with these men why did they not ask about why they did not see their other children,? These women when married or with these men did not give a fuck about the first families children.

I think that those who exes feel hard done by paying a tiny amount of child maintenance should refuse the maintenance and do it all themselves. I would never allow an ex to lord a pittance of crap low level maintenance over me.

I think everyone should do what is best for them.

I'd never allow my ex to stop paying for our girls without a fight. Not a chance would I let him away with that.

That said I don't allow him to lord his payments over me.

It's baffling isn't it.
isn't
I had a friend who's husband had been married before. He had one child with his ex wife and another one the same age to a other woman.
My friend admitted that when her first child was born (So this man's 3rd child) her husband went on sick at work and his maintenance payments for his first child were calculated on that income.

My n

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny in maintenance'??

Because he had always used stopping maintenance as a way to get me speaking to him. I had to get in touch every time to ask him to please pay me something because h really needed it. after the hell he had created in our lives when he was having contact he had dropped out of their lives and we had peace. Dc were doing well and I was earning enough that I could scrape by without his £50 a week so when it stopped I made the decision never to ask him for it again. He’d made his choice- he wanted zero involvement in their lives and dc were doing so well without him that I decided £50 a week was a price I could afford for their stability.

My sons father has only met him once for about 30 seconds, has never paid a penny in maintenance and has no interest in him whatsoever. I just don’t understand it.

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny
they fundamentally feel that the child is not their problem and it's insultingly easy for them to game the system which exists to try and make them pay.
When the state tries to enforce compliance it takes on the form of an authority figure against which they rebel.
The feckless/bolters are often people who dont deal well with authority figures and who will self sabotage rather than take orders from anyone

What amazes me is that a lot of these absent "fathers" go on to have second (maybe even third) families and their new wives/partners never seem to think that they could end being treated like sh!t too......

How come all these men 'don't pay a penny in maintenance

Because there aren’t really any strong sanctions or public uproar when a parent, resident or not, doesn’t finance their child themselves.

Because some believe the state should fund children.

Because the new partner begrudges the child support money so measures are taken to avoid it.

So many of both sexes go on to have more children as well despite not funding the first children. Until we have harsh sanctions, things are unlikely to change.

Because some believe the state should fund children.

oh yes this was regularly thrown at me by ex. “Sure you get lone parent benefits for the kids”

I kick myself everyday for picking the same spineless morally shameless father for dcs that I had myself 😞

Somebody I know (who didn't willingly leave his marriage. His wife ended things) has felt his emotional connection to his children diminish since the divorce. I've talked to him a lot about this (he's open about it and has been shocked by his own thoughts about this) and although he still sees them as much as he always did, he says that the connection just isn't as strong anymore. He also feels less invested as he sees his girls being raised in a way he doesn't agree with, but considering he only has them every other weekend, he doesn't have much ability to mitigate that.

Perhaps this is just the natural response for some men? I know some people will shoot the messenger or vehemently disagree with me but doesn't this thread evidence that men find it much easier to divorce themselves from their children?

Same TYPE of father obviously not the SAME father 😂

Unfortunately it’s not all that uncommon. Just remember, they have you and you sound like a great mum. It’s his loss!!

I’ve never known my dad so I don’t know any different.

Whilst my DS seen his dad for year’s. When he had a baby with his new partner DS was pretty much forgot about. It’s so sad 😢

@Copperlamps is there a reason your friend only has his children EOW why not 50\50 he'd have more connection and input then surely?

Bingeslayer I don't know the particulars about why that was decided but it was decided by a judge I think. Possibly because of work patterns, I don't know whatever rational might be applied to that situation. There was no violence or anything. They had a good, happy marriage (overall) but they split up because she had an affair. That's the context. And he ended up with EOW access

It would be interesting though, to see whether he felt differently if he had more frequent access Binge

has felt his emotional connection to his children diminish since the divorce. I've talked to him a lot about this (he's open about it and has been shocked by his own thoughts about this) and although he still sees them as much as he always did, he says that the connection just isn't as strong anymore. He also feels less invested as he sees his girls being raised in a way he doesn't agree with, but considering he only has them every other weekend, he doesn't have much ability to mitigate that.

He’s not seeing them as much as he always did unless he only saw them EOW when he was still married.

But also- he needs to work to change his feelings. Yes it’s a hard situation but as a parent he doesn’t just get to say “ah well- this is our relationship now” relationships take work. Even parent- child relationships and each one faces its own challenges whether you live with your children or not. He needs to make a conscious decision to not just accept that his emotional connection to them is less than it was. He needs to work to improve it. That’s parenting. I really struggled as a lone parent with depression but it was my responsibility to buck up and give my Dc the best of me that I could. Not just accept that life had dealt me a blow and that’s that. Your friend needs to stop wallowing now and take control of his relationship with his children. To do anything less would be copping out.