AIBU to not go to my Son’s and Dil Gender reveal and other dramas

[Leaannb]

For some odd reason My DIL and her friends have decided to plan her Gender Reveal on March 20 at 4pm to 7pm I have a child that doesn’t even get out of school until 345. I don’t leave the parking lot until 4. After that I still need to drop off one brother at work, pick up my youngest child from daycare at 430, go home change at least her clothes then go pick up my mother,get her ready and then drive 45 minutes to the location of the party. We might get there by 545 if we are lucky because it’s right during rush hour traffic and then we would have to leave by 630 still through rush hour traffic so I can get every body home. So I can take my mother home and get her showered and dressed for the evening. All of this after working a 12 hour day. I love my DIL very much but she really needs to lower her expectations of what our involvement level is going to be. There is absolutely no way we can meet her expectations. At this point I have no idea what to do. Not to mention that I’ve already had to fire her due to her refusal to work.Its just getting ridiculous

what @bingbangbing said! I'm now imagining the baby wrapped in that crochet blanket!

However, you are clearly decent in paying your employees on time. But if they can't/won't collect their pay-cheques and refuse to enter into normal banking procedures, then I can't see that it's your problem to the extent that you need to run yourself ragged making home deliveries. I can't imagine any other company doing this. Cheque paid promptly into the bank or picked up at the office - their choice and I imagine that if you put an end to the delivery service, they'd suddenly find themselves perfectly able to turn up and collect it. I'm sure some will have genuine hard-luck stories but you can't take them all on your shoulders.

@Isawthathaggis I own a small health care company that sends Nursing Assistants (home care workers) into homes to take care of the elderly with basic daily living tasks. IE medication reminders, bathing. Dressing, Cooking a meal and light housekeeping. My business makes Medicaid payments for this service and then I pay my CNAs
Son was furious with her about it and if he could have divorced her while she was pregnant than he would have. She was facing prison time for what she did. As of right now no the two sons cannot take off at the same time even for weddings or funerals. This is the first time it’s actually been an issue. The owner of the restaurant is waiting for the younger son to turn 18 and transfer him to another location as a GM.
She wants it on a Friday night so she her best friend can be there.

Was she doing that (Medicare fraud) because she was pregnant and desperate for coverage to look after her and baby? Whilst still wrong I couldn’t take so badly someone doing that, it’s like someone stealing because they are starving. It’s the sign of a messed up society and a messed up employer

Awful lot of assumptions going on there ... an entire scenario in fact

There's a 19 year gap between your oldest and youngest, not 26 as you said -

"Gender reveal" is nonsense. Genitalia reveal is a better name. I'm not sure how that'd go down - aren't Americans generally quite prudish? Or does it depend where you live?

A party to discuss what genitals a child has is surely an odd idea everywhere....

Nobody can know in advance what hobbies, interests, talents and clothing, toy and colour preferences a child will have, so cutting the cake should obviously reveal a cartoon of genitals... Genitalia balloons, big posters of genitals...

Why do you refer to your son's as "the first brother,vthe second brother, the third brother..." while refering to your DIL as DIL?

YANBU. It doesn't suit your schedule - I would simply tell her that.

However I think it's telling that you'll spend your Friday going out of your way to ensure every employee gets their salary, to the point where you'll spend time driving about for them, but won't put yourself out for this gender reveal thing.

Not at all. Surely it’s far more important that her employees get their money that they’ve worked for rather than OP attends a ridiculously manufactured OTT ‘look at me’ event.

Oh it's a gender reveal party, don't be silly.

Anybody who has one of these, is going to be laminating the kid in either pink or blue until puberty.

Dear X - Please come to my Penis Party. Willy-or-won't-she? Bring cake and lots of presents.

@Catagory12 You are definitely not wrong but oddly enough you know what bothers me the most about their payroll? Even more so than delivering the checks? Is them standing in the office mobile depositing the checks and then handing the checks back to me to shred. Just ridiculous. I have an appointment with an Accountant the first week of May to discuss this issue with him

I've never wanted to go to a reveal party but this one sounds ace, can we all come instead?

As the employer, surely you get the final say on how people are paid anyway? You seem a bit too accommodating generally.

Anyone else finding this thread exhausting to follow?

Your life is hectic, OP. You probably make it much more hectic than it needs to be though by charging around after your employees to give them pay cheques each Friday. Just set up standing orders at your bank to pay them directly into their accounts each month. Then the work is done for you. I would tell them that in future that is how it will be done. I can't believe that any of them would have a real problem with that.

I have very rarely been paid by cheque by an employer. Once or twice when I had just joined the company a few days before payday and there had been no time to add me to the payroll that month, but that is it. Other than that it goes directly into the bank and I prefer it that way.

Your family set up does sound quite complex. Just say no to the ridiculous gender reveal party.

Just cancel the cheques/checks!

I need a lie down after reading just half of this.

Why are you running after everyone? Why not use one of your own nurses for your mum that day? Why can't your brother get to work on his own?

and if he could have divorced her while she was pregnant than he would

Erm you can divorce someone when they're pregnant?

And there are more holes in this than Swiss cheese.

@PoolsOfSunshineThroughTheGlass

seriously?

who gives a ff if OP got the age gap wrong. Are you one of those spelling and grammar types you get on here?

Gender reveal Parties ( that's what they are commonly called ) sound like a nightmare. But they do take place. But The OP didn't bloody invent them! Paragraphs of lecture about how stupid they are ( obvs) is totally missing the point and just all about how clever you probably are.

And who cares how she refers to the kids. Tbh I read your post and thought it's all about having a go at the OP.

This all sounds nuts. Just don’t go.

@Topseyt The last time I asked an accountant about direct deposit it negates the ability to only pay one week on the off week at a time. Care givers get paid very little due to the amount Medicaid pays the agency. Shit happens sometimes. In this line of work it’s usually car trouble. I would hate to take away someone’s availability to work. Right now if a girl called into the office that her radiator went out or a catalytic converter goes out on the off week I can cut them check right then and there and carry it to them and they are only out of work for a couple of days. Last time I checked about direct deposit I wouldn’t be able to do that. It could be weeks before they are back to work. I couldn’t live with myself to know a family could be going hungry for them doing their job. I refuse too. I have great employees to go above and beyond and I refuse to take away the only way I could realistically help them

OP you do too much for everyone.

Just explain to DIL about the logistics and apologise for not being able to come. Sounds like most of the other guests will too.

And going forward sort out the check thing ! OMG you have enough on your plate!

My in-laws are Drama Queen Central, so I appreciate how draining it is. I've learnt to cope with it by just not engaging.

So, if your DIL has a tantrum, what then? It doesn't need to affect you, even if you are there to see it. Think of it as a sort of nature documentary and imagine David Attenborough narrating something about the rituals of the lesser spotted nitwit or something.
If you aren't there then it somebody else's job to deal with it. If your son is old enough to marry and procreate, then surely he can cope with a tantrum or two?

I've developed a few stock responses to my IL's, all along the "Oh dear" or "Do you think so" lines. They are useful because I have said something (so can't be accused of ignoring them), but what I have said doesn't mean anything which can be used against me. Most importantly, I can disengage and change the subject or escape.

Your employees are another matter and I think you need to force the issue about direct deposit. It isn't a good use of your time or money to be running around chasing people in order to pay them. If an occasional advance on wages is needed and you don't mind doing that, you could still do that by bank transfer. There was a lot of resistance to it here too at first, but 20 years on it's totally normal and accepted.

@CommunistLegoBloc Not in certain states in the USA

You could still do that in actual emergencies for your staff, surely? But the rest of the time, why wouldn't you do it an easier way for yourself?

Bloody hell, that's ridiculous

OP you must be exhausted!! There's so much going here that needs unpacking and I think you need to look at your priorities (here I'm looking at how much you do for your employees) take a break and rearrange them all!

If you can't make it then you can't make it, end of. Thank goodness 'gender reveals' aren't a thing here. Yet. we did the scan and rang our DPs up straight away with the news that it looked like all was well with the baby, which is actually what that scan is about.