AIBU to not go to my Son’s and Dil Gender reveal and other dramas

[Leaannb]

For some odd reason My DIL and her friends have decided to plan her Gender Reveal on March 20 at 4pm to 7pm I have a child that doesn’t even get out of school until 345. I don’t leave the parking lot until 4. After that I still need to drop off one brother at work, pick up my youngest child from daycare at 430, go home change at least her clothes then go pick up my mother,get her ready and then drive 45 minutes to the location of the party. We might get there by 545 if we are lucky because it’s right during rush hour traffic and then we would have to leave by 630 still through rush hour traffic so I can get every body home. So I can take my mother home and get her showered and dressed for the evening. All of this after working a 12 hour day. I love my DIL very much but she really needs to lower her expectations of what our involvement level is going to be. There is absolutely no way we can meet her expectations. At this point I have no idea what to do. Not to mention that I’ve already had to fire her due to her refusal to work.Its just getting ridiculous

It sounds to me like you need a good payroll software package, then your employees can get paid by bank transfer on time. The way they get paid seems very old fashioned to us Brits. Loads of people in the UK have zero hour contracts and work odd hours, but they still manage to get paid directly into the bank.

Where I work we had someone commit fraud. She was sacked straight away. The police were involved and she received a custodial sentence. The OP had no choice regarding sacking her DIL.

Why are you taking your brother to work? Can’t he get there under his own steam?

The age gap is 19 years isn't it?

Not 26.

You sound well stressed. Just don't go.

I’m a bit nostalgic for the days when ‘gender reveal’ only happened once the baby was born.

Though some still do it the old way - my Dd did with 1 and 2 - only 3 was known in advance. But it wasn’t revealed at a ‘do’.

IMO another import we could do without.

Yeah this sounds like far too much work and you are running around chasing your own ass for far too many people.

Employees - give them the choice of the check WHICH THEY COLLECT AT A SET TIME, and that time is one that suits YOU.

Or direct payment into the bank.

One or the other but no more running around dropping off checks.

Daughter-In-law - let her have her party whenever the heck she likes but be clear, you can't turn up what a shame, so sorry, never mind.

That gives you more time for those who genuinely need you to run about after them like small children and elderly parent.

For some odd reason My DIL and her friends have decided to plan her Gender Reveal on March 20 at 4pm to 7pm

Given that they probably have people with children coming that doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

After that I still need to drop off one brother at work,

If he's old enough to have a job then he's old enough to organise somebody other than his sister to take him unless there's a drip feed coming.

pick up my youngest child from daycare at 430, go home change at least her clothes

Take a set of clothes with you in the morning and change her either when you pick her up or at your son's house.

then go pick up my mother,get her ready and then drive 45 minutes to the location of the party.

Get your son to pick her up and take her to his house whilst you are collecting from day care.

then we would have to leave by 630 still through rush hour traffic so I can get every body home

This is your choice. It's a Friday night, no school the next day so a later night won't hurt anybody.

So I can take my mother home and get her showered and dressed for the evening

It's not the end of the world if that is later than normal.

All of this after working a 12 hour day.

That's not unusual.

I love my DIL very much but she really needs to lower her expectations of what our involvement level is going to be. There is absolutely no way we can meet her expectations.

How do you know it's her expectations? Your son is part of this too.

At this point I have no idea what to do.

If you don't want to go then say so. Instead you are looking for excuses.

Not to mention that I’ve already had to fire her due to her refusal to work.Its just getting ridiculous

So that's why you don't want to go, you don't like your DIL and what she is like?

Leaannb, your DIL is dangerous. She could have ruined you and your family company if you hadn’t found out her fraud and sacked her quickly enough. Does she have any understanding?

I think you just have to say there’s no way you can make a party at that time. Can you send a card or present or something instead?

It must be difficult for you stay friendly with her, but i do understand you want to stay close to DS and GC. Best of luck with it all.

You can do immediate bank transfers. It's how I paid the washing machine repair man and the lady who shampoos my carpets and cleans the oven. I was on a night out and need extra cash, my husband transferred it over whilst at home and I went to the cash machine and collected it. You can literally watch it leave your account and go into theirs. If you're writing a check and they then use online banking to deposit it, you've wasted your time and paper. If they have phones then they have access to telephone and/or online banking.

The. A yes sex will be revealed when it’s born. I really do t see the need for this nonsense at all. We managed for millennia before scans that could sex a baby so I think the world will keep turning if you don’t go.

@Leaannb
It sounds like you have raised your DC to be very responsible members of society. I'm sure they witnessed your strong work ethic when they were growing up and are doing the same in their own lives. As a taxpayer, I thank you for this...good job, mama!
Now, your DIL sounds as if she is very immature and is very self absorbed if she took the employment opportunity you gave her, tried to turn in Medicaid forms for work that wasn't actually done and put you, and her immediate family at risk without a second thought. A NORMAL person would have appreciated the job and even the idea of what she did would have mortified them. She is very self absorbed and it is going to only get worse, so YANBU in the least to send your regrets about the gender reveal. She doesn't care who she hurts or inconveniences in order to get what she wishes. It appears that you are going to have many opportunities to just so no with her since she feels "it's all about me".
It will be heartbreaking if she acts this way once she has the baby.

Thank goodness your DS doesn't feel the need to cater to her every wish

You can do immediate bank transfers. It's how I paid the washing machine repair man and the lady who shampoos my carpets and cleans the oven

Yes. That is how I paid the plumber recently. Such a quick and civilised way to pay. I can’t remember when I last wrote a cheque.

she either moves it or people dont come simple-sounds like a drama llama

Wow your DIL is going to be one drama after another I suspect. I would politely distance myself now and be there for my son when the shit hits the fan for the last time.

I have to be honest why are you even willing to be in the same room as her?
I'd be telling her that she can choke on her cake.

There’s so much nonsense around, people can be so self-involved. First there’s the big engagement announcement and sometimes a party, then the wedding with the expenses that can entail, the “we’re pregnant!” announcement, the bloody baby-shower, the “gender“ reveal like anyone bar the couple give a shit about what sex a baby will be, and then about five minutes later it will be the big “cake smash” idiocy. It’s all too exhausting

Yabu.

It’s not your gender reveal party but you seem to be expecting the hosts to work around you.

You want to be there earlier, you arrange child care, please don’t expect the hosts to work around you! Getting changed is nobody else's issue!

What a peculiar thread

Oh my. I had a gender reveal 😳
I had it at a small restaurant/bar and my partner and I paid for tapas etc but if people wanted a full meal they paid.
We also paid for peoples first drink.
Also I said no gifts I just wanted those I love to share in our special moment as it took a long while to get to that point.
It was a lovely arvo not pompous or anything

OP I would just let your DIL and son know you can’t make it for obvious reasons

I don't think it's UR to expect your MIL to attend your sex/gender reveal party. You're acting as though it's a big imposition but it's not her fault that you seem to have a tightly scheduled day and no-one (really? no-one at all?) who could collect your DCs or get your DM ready.
Putting the firing; the fraud; the inability to divorce and the party to one side you need to change how you're living your life. It really shouldn't be impossible for you to go out one Friday afternoon.

I still have two company's I have to pay by cheque (uk). Its unusual and annoying, and I have to pay to post the cheque too, but it does still happen.

The people that you deliver pay to. Is it because they're working during pick up time? If thats the case then its more understandable, but its definitely time to pay people directly.

As for the gender reveal? I think its fair to say you’re already busy. It sounds like you do too much for everyone as it is.

Gender reveals are obnoxious so I wouldn't go out of principle

Same here.

I think this one might go poof.

Why can't you get your DM ready first and then collect your daughter? Why can't your DS wait at work to be picked up a bit later.

Didn't you say the firing happened a year ago? Is she having an elephant?

I think you just don't want to go so you're throwing up obstacles.

Most Friday evenings I deliver checks to some employees because they don’t have time to pick them up and I refuse for ANY of my employees to go the weekend without their hard earned pay
Well they should pick them up, or you could prepare them the day before and they can collect earlier

Ffs

Just to remind MN about a gender reveal poem in an invitation, which came up once before:

Ten tiny fingers!
Ten tiny toes!
Prince or princess?
Nobody knows!

We're having a party,
for you to join in our fun,
so wear pink for a daughter,
and blue for a son.

Lol at all the people planning to do payroll like paying the plumber. Don’t be daft. You have to calculate the US equivalent of tax and NI via state/ fed regulations (I used to use the CRA payroll calculator in Canada when I was paying 10-20 Hourly paid employees). There are loads of payroll companies that are more than able to cope with weekly/ biweekly/ monthly pay by bank transfer though. Some (North America) do still offer a bulk cheque delivery service, which I used occasionally if we had very short term international employees (who frankly weren’t interested in setting up a Canadian bank account). I didn’t run around after anyone though. And using a payroll service for small businesses via bank transfer was a million times easier. (I set up their payroll system as a volunteer. Frankly the days of someone sitting writing cheque’s out of the company bank account should be looooooong gone.)
The party issue is dumb though. Working teens or adults should be mature enough to get themselves to and from work if you are busy (even if you choose to be the cab service at all other times). I do take my teens to work if I can, but there are absolutely times where I say sorry, get the bus or call a cab, I’m not available.)
Organize yourself in the morning with party clothes and change you and dd when you get there. Get another family member to collect elderly mom if she wants to go. You can drop her off and sort after the party. I’m pretty sure at her age she’s had a couple of late nights after family dos.
It’s all a bit martyr complex for my tastes. Either say no to dogs bodying for everyone (family and employees) or be a bit more flexible.
But yeah. It sounds as though you just don’t like DIL (probably rightly) so you are desperate to put yourself out for everyone else, but have zero intention of doing so for her. It’s not a crime, obviously, but it depends on your intentions for the future relationship. Are you planning on having a relationship with your grandchild and their mother? Or do you expect that you will dig your heels in and only see the baby on the odd weekend your ds has custody?