Please tell me if AIBU re money

[rumandbiscuits]

I am getting married soon and the wedding has turned out to be bigger than previously expected.
My Dad has given us £6,000
My Mum £1000
My FIL £3000
Myself £5000
And my OH £5000

We still however are starting to run short now that all the final bills have been paid and we are approaching the big day. My OH has recently bought his wedding ring out of his own account (£825) and come to me today and said he wants me to reimburse him out of the wedding account for it but trouble is we don't have enough in there to pay it so will both have to put more money in plus more for other last minute bits. I daren't say it to him because I don't know if I'm being a CF but my family have put in more money than his and therefore want to say can't you just pay for your own ring?

For context he has about £10,000 in savings and is able to put money away every month and I have £18,000 (an inheritance I got from my grandad that has dramatically dropped because I am unable to save due to not earning enough to be able to).

He works full time and earns £3000 a month
I work part time (to look after our daughter the other two days so we don't have to pay for child care) and earn £1000 per month.

Proportionally, he is way underpaying each month.

Weddings are not a 'scam' as said up thread.

Well, that depends on how you look at it.

Mention the word "wedding" when booking a hotel, a restaurant, afternoon tea or even a car, and the price triples. Photographers, cakes, dresses, "photo booths", flowers - all end up costing an absolute fortune because you mention the "W" word.

Nobody needs to spend 20k on what is essentially a fancy party. If you want to and can afford it, great, but most people can't. Millions of people end up in debt because they get swept up in the idea of a big, white, fairytale wedding.

I know several couples who were still paying off their wedding debts when they got divorced!

I think in theory it makes sense that you buy each other’s wedding rings, when we got married we were gifted some money from my parents, enough to cover a basic wedding, we chose to have a large wedding in the local church and a party in a local restaurant as it worked out cheaper than other wedding venues we had looked at, it was quite informal but that is what we wanted. £20k doesn’t seem that much for a wedding, you are not getting into debt to pay for it so I don’t see the problem. Over £800 seems a lot for a wedding ring but it’s something you will have forever and although we tried to do our wedding as cheap as possible we did buy the rings we wanted without opting for a cheap one.

Regarding your question about managing money, myself and DH have 2 joint accounts, a current account and a savings account. All the money goes in the current account and the bills go out of that account, we use the remaining money for food and entertainment, etc. Anything left at the end of the month gets transferred to the savings account. It works for us, I earn more than DH, he changed his job when the children were younger so one of us could do more of the school runs, etc. We both have equal access to the money to spend as we wish and decide together if there are months we need to try and spend less to save more.

£20k for a wedding and you “daren’t say” to h2b there isn’t enough cash left. Think there are problems before you start to be honest.

I can’t get my head around £20k for a wedding. Ours cost £3k - was lovely. Church wedding, princess wedding dress, horse and carriage etc.

If the money for it isn't in the wedding pot then he can't be reimbursed, simple as that really.
£800/900 sounds a lot for a wedding ring. Have you bought yours out of the wedding pot?

That is a ridiculous amount of money for one day.

Stop trying to impress people spending money you clearly don't have. That isn't what marriage and weddings are about.

My wedding dress cost £10 from la redout ..we had a registry office and a meal after ,don’t think we spent more than £500.
£20000 Spare and I could clear our morgage with .dont understand this need for wasting money on weddings .
Use the money to make married life easier,not to give every Tom dick and Harry a piss up

I think it’s very easy to get carried away when organising your wedding, everything becomes a necessity, the dream of the perfect day

Op , people are reacting at they are,not because of the money, but because you don’t even want to buy your future husband his wedding ring, wanting him to buy his own, instead of you offering to pay.

Which indicates you’ve got yourself to the stage now, it’s not about the marriage any more, it’s all about the wedding for you. If it was about the marriage then the first thing you’d wish to do is buy your husband a ring.

So maybe try to step back and quietly think through what you asked on here and why.

£20k doesn’t seem that much for a wedding, you are not getting into debt to pay for

Wtf? I live on a different planet. That’s a decent house deposit where I live.

Op , people are reacting at they are,not because of the money, but because you don’t even want to buy your future husband his wedding ring, wanting him to buy his own, instead of you offering to pay

Agree. It feels like OP is more concerned about spending £££ on her dress than her future husband’s ring. You’ll wear the dress for one day in your life. He’ll be wearing his ring every day,

@Russellbrandhair not necessarily...

We had a £20k wedding and dh had a plain silver wedding band from Etsy which cost £20. There’s no reason at all to have expensive wedding bands - no one can tell the difference.

There’s no reason at all to have expensive wedding bands - no one can tell the difference

Same applies to dresses! You can get a gorgeous dress without spending thousands

Fucking hell are people actually reading my posts?

My OP asked if people thought I would be unreasonable to ask my OH to pay for any amount that goes over budget for our wedding due to the fact my family have contributed more and he earns considerably a lot more money than I do and is therefore able to save money whereas I can't.

We were gifted £10,000 in all for our wedding. We wouldn't have been given this money for anything else it was specifically given to us for our wedding. We have both chosen to put £5000 of our savings into our budget. I wish I hadn't given figures now because this thread has been made into a completely unrelated topic to what I created it for.

I have a mortgage and have had one since the age of 23. If I want to spend my savings on a wedding I am well within my rights. I don't struggle for money and am happy with the new arrangements me and OH have agreed with for our finances because it will mean I am able to build up OUR savings account again.

I have a friend who is getting married two months after me her budget is £25,000 she rents and doesn't actually have the money in her account to pay for it. Every month her and her OH are saving every last penny to go towards their wedding and putting things on credit cards and are besides themselves with worry. That's her choice though and that is what she wants to spend her money on so why should I or anyone else be so sickened by what someone else does? She isn't hurting anybody and she works bloody hard for her money as I'm sure we all do. I can't understand why people can't just live and let live. I'm sure if she was on this thread you lot would be ripping her another arsehole!

It seems that if people don't think and act like you guys you just pile on them. I don't want your opinions on how much you think is reasonable to spend on a wedding. I wanted you opinions on what I have said above.

I think I am just going to do myself a favour and stop reading replies now because no one seems to be reading what I have said or asked opinions on anyway.

Again thanks for the advice and constructive opinions from other posters earlier in the thread I really do appreciate it. Shame about the rest of you.

It’s a public forum. People will give their opinions. That’s the entire point.

Ok, for your original question - no YANBU - you should ask him. And at this stage in your relationship you shouldn’t be worrying about speaking to him about it.

If he bought YOU a ring he should not take the money out of the budget 🤷🏻‍♀️Is it not a gift from him?

No, op. No shame on anybody for voicing their opinion just because it doesn’t jibe with yours.

You both need to look at your finacial position, starting with the ridiculoua amount you're spending on a wedding if a few hundred is such a big deal.

You're just pissy because people aren't agreeing with you!

My OP asked if people thought I would be unreasonable to ask my OH to pay for any amount that goes over budget for our wedding due to the fact my family have contributed more and he earns considerably a lot more money than I do and is therefore able to save money whereas I can't.

As for this, I think you're both being massively unreasonable for having a 20k budget and going over it in the first place. What your families contributed is neither here nor there. You had 20k and both decided to spend even more than that. If you can't afford to contribute above and beyond the 20k you've budgeted, you should have thought about that and cut your cloth accordingly.

If you can't afford to contribute above and beyond the 20k you've budgeted, you should have thought about that and cut your cloth accordingly

I agree and it has nothing to do with being judgy about the kind of wedding you want. You asked specifically about finances, people answered. Now you’re cross because people didn’t agree with you.

Which indicates you’ve got yourself to the stage now, it’s not about the marriage any more, it’s all about the wedding for you. If it was about the marriage then the first thing you’d wish to do is buy your husband a ring.

This perfectLY summarises what’s wrong about your attitude, OP.

I must admit I wanted a small, cheap wedding myself, DH wanted to invite lots of people, we spent about £8k in total including a very modest honeymoon. We spent on things we thought mattered - decent food & wine for guests, and things like DH’s shoes and tie which were extremely expensive but he still wears, and his suit which was meant to last a long time but has become too small ... loads of stuff we got very cheap or free (or didn’t have) and we had a marquee in the ILs’ garden. My point is that although I wouldn’t do it myself, I absolutely see how £20k can be spent on a wedding. I also think it’s pretty shit to accuse OP of leeching off people to pay for her wedding.

Having said that, the overall financial situation would concern me (and I’m not the most financially prudent person in the world). I would advise any couple to get into the habit of discussing money regularly, and sharing any concerns. It can be tempting to think that talking wedding finances is unromantic - that’s bollocks. It’s a sound way to start married life! Wedding vows are partly about sharing everything - in good times and bad. Otherwise what’s the point? So OP you need to talk to him about your current finances, and your savings need to be pooled, with both of you having access to every account and TRUSTING each other about expenditure and savings. Trust is the key here, and communication.

If you're so well off, why are you begrudging him his choice of wedding ring? Because other people haven't thrown quite as much money at your big party as yours have - as though another four grand that isn't his money in the first place is your right to demand?

It's his wedding, too.

OP you posted on AIBU and you are upset with the pissy replies.

To quite a Mumsnet cliche, are you new here?