Please tell me if AIBU re money

[rumandbiscuits]

I am getting married soon and the wedding has turned out to be bigger than previously expected.
My Dad has given us £6,000
My Mum £1000
My FIL £3000
Myself £5000
And my OH £5000

We still however are starting to run short now that all the final bills have been paid and we are approaching the big day. My OH has recently bought his wedding ring out of his own account (£825) and come to me today and said he wants me to reimburse him out of the wedding account for it but trouble is we don't have enough in there to pay it so will both have to put more money in plus more for other last minute bits. I daren't say it to him because I don't know if I'm being a CF but my family have put in more money than his and therefore want to say can't you just pay for your own ring?

For context he has about £10,000 in savings and is able to put money away every month and I have £18,000 (an inheritance I got from my grandad that has dramatically dropped because I am unable to save due to not earning enough to be able to).

He works full time and earns £3000 a month
I work part time (to look after our daughter the other two days so we don't have to pay for child care) and earn £1000 per month.

You are getting married. Put all your finances together. And this will save all this your money my money and you not having money to save shenanigans

When I got married I brought a huge amount of equity in a properly that was in my name plus a large redundancy payment. My DH earns significantly more than me now.

You are taking about £4K. Which is nothing in the whole scheme of things.

I was shocked to hear the average wedding in the UK cost £32,000, had no idea. I may be paying or at least paying a large contribution to one later this year so have food for thought :-).

Must admit I can't imagine any man wanting such an expensive wedding ring but obviously the op's man does. Usually the bride buys the groom's ring but I suppose it could come out of the wedding fund.

I agree it is petty to quibble over whose parents gave what, I'm sure they all contributed what they could.

Joint finances - I'm glad the op and partner are going to discuss and sort that. So much into a joint pot for bills and living expenses, pro rata, maybe a joint savings account but do have some savings of your own because you never know what will happen in the future. It's good to be independent.

I hope the day is worth all that expense. When a couple have lived together and have a child it does seem excessive. The child and any subsequent offspring would benefit from £20k later on. However, if they earn well and can afford it....

Wedding venues nowadays seem to be coining it. Register office weddings can be very nice and pretty, that would be my choice, followed by a reception somewhere good. I bet that wouldn't cost £32,000 - or £20k.

I dropped my phone when I read your OP. Genuinely.

TWENTY GRAND????? FOR ONE DAY?!?!?!

You could've put that away in an ISA to pay for a house for your daughter when she grows up!! (The interest over the next 20 years would have got her well on her way, deposit wise, if not all of it....!)

I'm sorry OP, I'm not trying to Mum shame you here, but this is ludicrous.
You describe your relationship with DP as though you're flat mates, yet you have a child together! Despite this, you spend £20k+ on a wedding to someone you're not close enough to, to be honest with????

@Oliversmumsarmy I bet you're rubbing your hands together with glee

Haven't read the full thread but count yourself lucky you got £10K in contributions towards your wedding.

That's a hell of a lot more than most couples get.

The fact you're splitting hairs already over who gave what to determine whether you take money out the wedding fund to buy your husbands ring is worrying.

Fuck me... with a £20K budget I don't see how you cannot stretch to an £825 wedding ring tbh 🤷🏼‍♀️

Is it just me that is desperate to see your Wedding dress... PUUULEEASE 🌺

Oliversmumsarmy I bet you're rubbing your hands together with glee

?

If you mean he gave me all of his money. He knows I am good with money and he is dreadful.

Dp is the one celebrating as I have been very careful over the years and invested wisely which meant that when he was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer and the NHS washed their hands of him and the health insurance company he was with refused to fund an operation that could extend his life by 4 years we had the money to pay for it.

It has wiped us out financially and he was off work with no pay for over a year so his pension was obliterated and then just before Christmas he was made redundant so losing his death in service benefit.

I wish sometimes I had been completely reckless and not been careful as in trying to do the right thing I have ended up no better off.

I will always he able to earn money but now Dp can’t.

I live in one of the most expensive counties in the South other than London. My husband and I got married a couple of years ago.

We had a photo booth, an open bar, paid for 4 bridesmaid dresses, 5 suits, wedding dress, hog roast, seat covers, the whole normal list of wedding things and managed to do it for just over £8000. We didn’t even have to stick to a budget just bought things over 2 years prior as we went along. And no, nothing came from China or “on the cheap”.

I just kept an eye out on local businesses for deals and went to some wedding fayres and met people in person we were able to bargain with.

Unless you are spending something like £5k on a dress and £3k on photography I’m surprised you’re running out of money. Maybe it’s time to prioritise what you need rather than what you want.

I agree with poster above though, would love to see your dress.

We have been married since the last ice age and have always taken the pooled finances approach.

This includes bonuses. The recipient of the bonus gets first say on how it is spent but the unspoken rule is that it will be used for something which benefits both.

Works for us.

@mummywiththetummy how many people was that for?

Tell him to choose one within his means. Unless yours has cost a silly amount as well he's being an idiot to want such an expensive ring when youre already over budget for a wedding that has been generously part-funded by other people.

You can get perfectly suitable wedding bands for less than £100. If he wants a fancy piece of jewellery he can save up for it.

@ClubfootMaestro it was for sit down 70 people and an extra 20 in the evening.

Honestly disgusts me that people would spend so much on one day of flouncing about in a white dress, oh and a party, to the point that you're "running out" of money. I don't care if I am flamed for saying that. It's fucking ridiculous. And not even all your money! You took money off other people to pay for it.

For all those people giving their (unwanted) opinion about whether you think the OP has spent too much on the wedding, or the ring, or whatever else.

It's relevant and totally in the context of answering the OP. Nobody is posting it to be horrible. I'm genuinely gobsmacked anyone would be so wasteful, particularly when they are not in a position to be able to save. Batshit.

@rumandbiscuits

I think there is some good advice on this thread, speak to dp, good luck, ignore the vipers

@carlyclock you're batshit if you missed the bit where she says she has savings

And honestly who amongst us got married in their early twenties when savings weren't a thing

And honestly who amongst us got married in their early twenties when savings weren't a thing

Me. Six weeks before my 19th birthday. Savings have always been “a thing”.

Since when were savings not a thing?

Ha

I know they were but no way had we got any savings before we got married

Was still at uni at 19 definitely not saving but yes yes I know everyone's different

20k is pretty average. Mine didn't cost that because A. I couldn't bring myself to do it when we wanted to buy a house sooner - buying a house won and B. we had a much cheaper wedding abroad and only invited a handful of people.

In terms of joint accounts etc, we have a joint account where we pay a % of our income and all bills and child expenses come out of that. The percentage is worked out on what we each earn so that it is fair. This also means the amount of spending money we have left is also effectively based on income. The main earner has paid more in ££s towards bills having paid a higher percentage of them into joint but because they earn more they have more left. It wouldnt work for us to have equal spending money - I am self employed and can't guarantee I will actually have a set amount of income each month albeit I still pay the set amount of bills contribution. I pay an awful lot upfront in terms of travel expenses etc plus have other business expenses my partner doesn't have. I am also the better saver and would worry with a joint account for everything, I may find it even harder then to manage the money so that I have my tax, vat, travel and other business expenses accounted for with an irregular income. We each save out of our own money but we arent rigid about it in that if something is needed for us, whoever has money saved (usually me) gets it and we pay our percentages. If my partner stopped working, though, I would pay the whole of the bills and would ensure that he still had personal spending money. We are a partnership.

Also re the cost of the ring it's all relative. Our rings cost similar. We both have worn them every single day for over a decade and will continue to. Cost per wear made our rings, for us, the most important expense and also of most value actually. One of the only expenses not just for one day. My dress didnt cost as much as either ring. It was a high street one!

you're batshit if you missed the bit where she says she has savings

I didn't say she had no savings. I said she could not save as per the OP

I am unable to save due to not earning enough to be able to

Perhaps read the posts correctly before resorting to personal insults.

curiosity101 good suggestion. That's exactly how it works in this house. And the one thing we 100% never argue about is money. We rarely even talk about it tbh. Both salaries go into a joint account. Everything comes out of there - mortgage, bills, food, fuel for car. A monthly allowance is transferred into a sole account each.