Please tell me if AIBU re money

[rumandbiscuits]

I am getting married soon and the wedding has turned out to be bigger than previously expected.
My Dad has given us £6,000
My Mum £1000
My FIL £3000
Myself £5000
And my OH £5000

We still however are starting to run short now that all the final bills have been paid and we are approaching the big day. My OH has recently bought his wedding ring out of his own account (£825) and come to me today and said he wants me to reimburse him out of the wedding account for it but trouble is we don't have enough in there to pay it so will both have to put more money in plus more for other last minute bits. I daren't say it to him because I don't know if I'm being a CF but my family have put in more money than his and therefore want to say can't you just pay for your own ring?

For context he has about £10,000 in savings and is able to put money away every month and I have £18,000 (an inheritance I got from my grandad that has dramatically dropped because I am unable to save due to not earning enough to be able to).

He works full time and earns £3000 a month
I work part time (to look after our daughter the other two days so we don't have to pay for child care) and earn £1000 per month.

The silly figures about how much weddings cost are surely propagated by the wedding industry itself. In real life, i know nobody who would dream of spending £20k on a wedding.

Wrt to your question, it's clear neither of you really have a handle on the budget. I am not sure why he thinks there is almost £900 in the budget when there isn't, or why you feel you can't tell him that. He needs to know how much there is to spend on a ring and then decide if he wants to pay for such an expensive ring himself.

@Purplequalitystreet i disagree that people are competitively cheap. My wedding was the most expensive day of my life , but I also cannot fathom how people spend so much money on the fluff like cake, flowers, balloons, party favours, invitations that goes along with it. Stuff that at the end of the day nobody cares about.

I am not running out of money and so far have spent £5000 of my savings. This will admittedly end up being more, so overall no more than £6000.

It's my money and I can spend it how I want to whether other people think that is 'sickening' or not.

We have been gifted money by our parents. We didn't ask for it they gave it to us and are luckily in a position to be able to afford to give us this money.

Like I have said in a previous post thank you to all the people who have given me their opinions on what I have asked in the OP, it is genuinely appreciated. I have taken what has been said on board and am happy with the outcome of the conversation I have had with my OH.

I will leave it there and let the rest of you rip into me about the amount I have spent on MY wedding.

@llijk
Where on earth do you get your figures?
£2k DJ
£4k flowers
£2k hair & makeup
did you just make them up?
everything you listed can be halved or a third of it.

£20k for a wedding?? You know it's just one day, right?? You're using a lot of savings that might be needed at a later time and you'll likely live to regret. Also, you're thinking about telling him that his family should contribute more because your family have given more than his?? If you want to be that ridiculous then maybe your family should pay for it all, as is tradition. Jeez, some people have more money than sense. £20k!!! Absolutely ridiculous.

and this is ALL for one day.... blimey

@Thisismytimetoshine

Leeching is a bit unfair - maybe they WANTED to contribute?

I do think that this has been misleading though: saying you have run out of money but having 28k in savings is a bit mental. We spent a lot more than 20k on our wedding, but we didn’t need any help from family and it reflected our financial situation/salaries so that’s our business.

We have seperate savings and combined savings - if one personal savings had more in it we would top up the other persons until they were equal. We try and keep 3 savings account the same amount.

Day to day we both pay a percentage of wages into joint account that leaves us both with same amount of spending money money after costs.

MN loves competetively cheap weddings

I havent been on MN long enough to know what most people think about weddings specifically but I DO know its a huge mistake to think expensive wedding = good wedding.

Of course people can spend whatever they want on their wedding but from experience (and ive been to a lot of weddings) the ones which stood out actually weren't the expensive fancy ones at all. Ive been to some very posh expensive weddings that I found overall very stuffy and tedious. Conversely, Ive been to some dirt cheap weddings (held in people's back gardens) which were so beautiful and touching that I bawled my eyes out just watching the two of them together. The lack of frippery actually emphasised the love between them and it was pure, raw emotion rather than being about fancy trimmings and flower doilies. Thats why I dont believe that expensive weddings always = better.

I won't mention the cost of the wedding but I'm glad you've sorted your finances as previously you were left with £450 a month (and paying for activities for your child) while he had £1500. How long was that for?

What poor budgeting for the day. It's amazing what people spend on their wedding when often, you can't tell the difference from a wedding half the cost.

What an utter waste of money.

Weddings are not a 'scam' as said up thread.

People are free to spend what they want as is op.

But op you came on here for advice so of course people will tell you 20k is a lot of money, as it is.

I also hope you are not in rented accommodation whilst spending 20k on a wedding.

OP spend what you like on your wedding as long as you can afford it, and hope you have a lovely day!

My only comment is that £825 on a wedding band for a man is a huge amount. We spent £40k on ours (slag us off all you want, we earn a lot and don’t regret a penny) but my husband’s palladium ring with engraving was £300. If you are to pay for the ring, then it needs to be at an agreed budget.

I don’t think the fact your family contributed more is relevant to this issue.

The best wedding I've been to have been the decorated village or community hall ones. Also some in an old private school. No one needs a manor house but if op really wanted one it's her wedding but all costs should have been doublechecked to see that the 20k budget was OK.

Just talk to him about the wedding fund. He can return the ring if you both can not afford it.

My wedding cost 6k ish but I bet we could have spent 20k if we’d wanted to. I paid a thousand pounds (just over actually) for my husband’s wedding ring. I do think 20 grand on a wedding is crazy but then, people on here seem to think the cost of the OP’s ring is crazy so 🤷‍♀️ I did buy my husband’s ring myself though. It was my gift to him.

MN loves competetively cheap weddings

This tired old phrase is always trotted out, and yet not a single poster so far has recommended a registry office, a home made cake or supermarket flowers
All that's been suggested is that it's perfectly possible to have a lovely day without breaking the bank, and that extras like photo booths, sweet trolleys, favours and lord knows what else aren't necessarily the be-all and end-all

Personally I'd have thought this obvious, but there you go

A couple we were good friends with paid £35,000 for their wedding (which we attended) and they were divorced within the year! It’s probably the worst wedding we’ve ever been to too.

I think it’s silly to judge what someone else spends on anything.

I cut many corners for my wedding but in the end it was not cheap and I’m over the moon about how it turned out. It was not just a day for me, but a celebration with my husband, friends and family of my marriage but also of our relationships with them. It was worth every penny.

I had gorgeous flowers, a wonderful bad, incredible food in a beautiful setting with loads of booze. There were a ton of people that helped make it happen and each deserved the money I paid them and more.

The budget included gifts for wedding party, house rental for about 10 of us for the long weekend, travel, clothing, etc.

Since that time we’ve suffered some really difficult blows as husband and wife. Loss of a loved one, etc. The wedding actually gave us strength that will help us eternally. We know we are surrounded by people that love us and we have wonderful memories.

MN loves competetively cheap weddings.

Nah, we just don't see the point in splashing so much money on a single day. 20k is more than my annual salary!

We know we are surrounded by people that love us and we have wonderful memories

Yes, and the point is- you can have a cheaper wedding and still achieve this! People come to your wedding because they love and support you, not because youve spent over X amount.

A cheap wedding can be wonderful. An expensive wedding can be wonderful. I don’t understand why on here expensive weddings = automatically shit, unless it comes from people feeling defensive about a cheap wedding.

FYI what really moves the needle re wedding cost is actually the wine. If you are getting serious wine and champagne the costs spiral. Most people don’t do that but it’s very easy to wrack up a tab that way.

The wedding actually gave us strength that will help us eternally
Completely and utterly unrelated to how much it cost, surely; so I can’t see what your point is?

I don’t understand why on here expensive weddings = automatically shit, unless it comes from people feeling defensive about a cheap wedding.

Where has anyone said that expensive weddings are shit?

They're just saying that you don't need to spend huge amounts of money in order to have a good day. 20k is more than what most people earn in a year and it's a huge amount of money to spend on a single day.

Its not being competitively cheap, its just... £20k ON ONE DAY???

God, I feel old and boring, but honestly, its one day. One day that a week later will mean bugger all, it's never as fairytale as you dream it will be. And you are 20k down....

Sorry OP, i really should not comment, I know that so apologises in advance, i just cannot believe the money wasted on one day.

Weddings are not a 'scam' as said up thread

TBH I'm not sure about that, when on mentioning the "W" word:

3 hours' use of a chauffeured exec car at £200 (for an airport transfer) becomes £500
A £40 tied posy bought as a gift changes to £120
The church choir who charge £50 for a funeral want £90 instead
That local DJ who charges £120 for a cricket club evening "do" demands £300

And so on and so on ...