Please tell me if AIBU re money

[rumandbiscuits]

I am getting married soon and the wedding has turned out to be bigger than previously expected.
My Dad has given us £6,000
My Mum £1000
My FIL £3000
Myself £5000
And my OH £5000

We still however are starting to run short now that all the final bills have been paid and we are approaching the big day. My OH has recently bought his wedding ring out of his own account (£825) and come to me today and said he wants me to reimburse him out of the wedding account for it but trouble is we don't have enough in there to pay it so will both have to put more money in plus more for other last minute bits. I daren't say it to him because I don't know if I'm being a CF but my family have put in more money than his and therefore want to say can't you just pay for your own ring?

For context he has about £10,000 in savings and is able to put money away every month and I have £18,000 (an inheritance I got from my grandad that has dramatically dropped because I am unable to save due to not earning enough to be able to).

He works full time and earns £3000 a month
I work part time (to look after our daughter the other two days so we don't have to pay for child care) and earn £1000 per month.

Tell him no reimbursement... he chose it he pays for it... 😊

I feel sick just looking the e thousands in your OP

What's an absolute waste of money.

Whatever salary you've lost through having a child and reducing hours, your partner should be 50% compensating you for. If you insist on separate finances. This should help with paying for his ring.

@rumandbiscuits Have you ever considered putting all of both of your wages into the joint account and then paying yourselves an allowance each month. That way all bills come out of the joint account, and you both have shared savings.

Then you each have your allowance for things that don't fall under shared spending - or if you want to have your own savings.

For those of you shocked at the £20k wedding - £20k is a pretty average wedding cost in the UK, don't know why everyone is shocked by it.

What @Thehop said
What @arethereanyleftatall said
What @RJnomore1 said

I know people have different ways of sorting their finances, but I have never been able to understand this way of doing it. If either of you is uneasy with pooling your finances then why on earth get married? And not only that, but you can't even discuss who is spending and earning what. It seems like a terrible indication of the state of your relationship.

@Curiosity101 yes that is a good idea. I think I will suggest this one. Thank you.

The average wedding actually costs around £32,000 in this country apparently. And we aren't getting ourselves into debt to pay for it. We do both have money but we have gone over our original budget unfortunately.

Interesting hearing people's opinions. Thank you!

Why if you are spending over £20,000 on a wedding can’t you talk to your h2b about money.

No amount of money spent on this day is going to make this union a marriage if you can’t talk

You should be pooling your monthly income, paying off your monthly bills, saving a certain amount in a separate account and splitting the difference between yourselves equally.

If you can’t do that then I would be questioning how long this will last.

I agree with PPs that there's a bigger problem here that needs to be addressed before you get married. 'Mine' and 'yours' needs to become 'ours'.

Specific to the wedding band - did you pay for your own or did it come out of the wedding fund?

I will add again for the posters saying they think we are heading for a divorce because we can't even talk about money etc etc. It isn't that and we have discussed money a lot but I wanted others opinions because I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not.

What will happen if you just refuse to reimburse him though?

@rumandbiscuits You're welcome. It's how a lot of people I know do their finances. It works incredibly well but does require conversations every now and then about what is shared / not shared.

A lot of people are suggesting that the dh needs to put his salary in to one pot, which is right, but op, your savings also need to go in to this one pot, as does money from your parents. Works both ways.

my family have put in more money than his and therefore want to say can't you just pay for your own ring?

This is totally unreasonable and has nothing to do with what families have or have not contributed. If you want to go by tradition, your family should be paying for all of it.

Surely once you are married all money is shared anyway? So ultimately it’s coming out of your shared finances. I do think a wedding ring cost should come from the fund you have set aside for the day but I also think the amount should be discussed beforehand if it’s causing you to go over budget.

Maybe you could suggest both sitting down and looking at the wedding budget. If he needs £800 for a wedding ring, where is that money coming from - does he want to cut back elsewhere? Or will you both add yet more money to the pot? Surely you are both responsible for the fact that you've gone over budget and can work together to find a solution. If he doesnt want to cut back or add more money to the pot, he will have the return the ring and get a cheaper one.

Your not being unreasonable but it boils down to the fact that as soon as you are married all money is joint money and doesn't belong to either one of you. This is something me and my OH have to get our head around as well as we have always done separate but joint bills. It's not easy though I get that but maybe a chat with him along those lines.

I'm gobsmacked that the average British wedding costs 32k

Seriously? I have 4 DC and there's no way me and DH can afford to contribute even a small percentage of that, per child, should any of them decide to marry and have an average wedding day.

Surely you should have the wedding you can actually afford, without expecting family members to help out? Or am I being ridiculously tight and a skinflint?

Why are you paying for days out/activities with your DD from your own account and not the joint account?

(Or did I misread that?)

Not sure I agree with him having to pay for his ring himself. I assume you got ring, dress, shoes, make up, hair, bridesmaids expenses etc. His ring is a wedding expense just like the rest.

Presumably your ring and other things (dress etc.) Have come out of the wedding pot, so I dont see why he should pay for his own ring rather than have it come from the wedding pot.

@n00bMaster69 then there will probably be an argument.

I am thinking the majority of posters are right we need to make your and mine ours.

So can I ask how others manage money with there partners?

Do we have our wages paid into same account and then pay all bills and monthly costs out of it? And pay out a certain amount a month to a savings account? Keep our £18000 and £10000 separate or together?

I don't think it matters which of your families donated the most money. That's really petty. I think you both need to sit down with the spreadsheets and work out your budget and what's happening with the money. Did the money for your wedding ring come out of the wedding budget? If, so, then I think it's fair his ring does too. But, I think you should both chip in the same amount to cover outstanding expenses.

Joint account: all money goes in.

Transfer out to joint savings account, each of you gets the same "spending pocket money" to individual accounts for - socialising on your own with friends, haircuts, clothes, trips away with mates, your hobbies.

Joint account pays for everything else - mortgage, insurance, pensions, ALL child related costs, cars, food, play groups, nursery and so on.

Review joint account spending together and look where money goes...

For those of you shocked at the £20k wedding - £20k is a pretty average wedding cost in the UK, don't know why everyone is shocked by it.

I'm not shocked by it so much as sickens that anyone would waste so much money on such luxury. OP is about to spent £20k on a wedding when they only have £30k between them left over. Madness

The £10000 and £18000 get combined in a joint savings account. Both wages go into a joint current account. A set amount is then taken from this and put into the joint savings each month and then equal spending money is transferred into personal current accounts. Everything left pays all joint expenses which includes anything child related.