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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if AIBU re money

281 replies

rumandbiscuits · 29/02/2020 14:11

I am getting married soon and the wedding has turned out to be bigger than previously expected.
My Dad has given us £6,000
My Mum £1000
My FIL £3000
Myself £5000
And my OH £5000

We still however are starting to run short now that all the final bills have been paid and we are approaching the big day. My OH has recently bought his wedding ring out of his own account (£825) and come to me today and said he wants me to reimburse him out of the wedding account for it but trouble is we don't have enough in there to pay it so will both have to put more money in plus more for other last minute bits. I daren't say it to him because I don't know if I'm being a CF but my family have put in more money than his and therefore want to say can't you just pay for your own ring?

For context he has about £10,000 in savings and is able to put money away every month and I have £18,000 (an inheritance I got from my grandad that has dramatically dropped because I am unable to save due to not earning enough to be able to).

He works full time and earns £3000 a month
I work part time (to look after our daughter the other two days so we don't have to pay for child care) and earn £1000 per month.

OP posts:
Chihaha · 29/02/2020 14:14

Why are you marrying someone you cant talk to about this?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 29/02/2020 14:14

I thought it was traditional for the bride to pay for the grooms wedding ring? It's a gift from the bride isn't it?

Thehop · 29/02/2020 14:15

Of course he’s being unreasonable......your financial set up is dire! Why aren’t your day to day finances shared equally? You should both have equal access to shared spending money!!!

Thehop · 29/02/2020 14:16

“There’s no money in there for the one you’ve chose . You can pick a £50 one or choose your own flash one, you have far more money than me........whilst we’re on it, we need to sort that out let’s do it now”

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/02/2020 14:17

He chose a ring he knew was over budget and didn't talk to you beforehand? I'd worry about that, to be honest.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/02/2020 14:18

Ahhhhhhh,
You're getting married and you have a child - it's all family money, shouldn't matter what comes from where! No, it doesn't matter that your family gave you more, no, it doesn't matter that he earns more whilst you look after your joint child - one pot!!

RandomMess · 29/02/2020 14:18

Just tell him the truth that there isn't any money left and he'll have to pay for it himself!!!

I hope all savings are going to be joint once married?? How is it his money when you are earning less to look after his child???

APatchyTomCat · 29/02/2020 14:18

Not the greatest of starts is it?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/02/2020 14:19

'I darent say it to him' ????? What?

Custardandnoodle · 29/02/2020 14:19

The ring should be paid for by the wedding fund. Does he know it's running short? Ask him to put more money in the pot proportionally by percentage of income.
The biggest concern here is that you don't have joint finances. Will this change once you get married? It's fine keeping money seperate but bills and savings should be a percentage, not the same amount if you don't earn the same and you're making the sacrifice to stay at home.

RJnomore1 · 29/02/2020 14:19

You’ve got a child and you’ve blown in excess of £20k on a party?

Original poster
rumandbiscuits · 29/02/2020 14:20

Sorry I should mention we have a joint account that we both put money into every month for bills and mortgage and he does put in more than I do every month... he puts in half of his wage pack £1500 and I put in £550 I am still unable to save though due to petrol costs and paying for activities etc with my LG on our days off together, nothing flash though just the local play barn or lunch with a friend etc.

OP posts:
n00bMaster69 · 29/02/2020 14:21

What will happen if you refuse to reimburse him?

I don't think you're going to have a good or long marriage, you should be able to talk about things and you absolutely shouldn't have less money because you are doing the childcare.

Save some money for divorce .

Fairylea · 29/02/2020 14:21

@RJnomore1 I was thinking exactly the same...! Blush

GinDrinker00 · 29/02/2020 14:22

Oh dear. You should of talked to him about budgeting before he went out and brought it, surely logic is if your struggling to afford things after 20k you need to cut down on what your spending? Or have joint finances?

cliodh · 29/02/2020 14:22

You’ve got a child and you’ve blown in excess of £20k on a party?

This. £20k for a wedding and you've run out?? Stealth boast.

Original poster
rumandbiscuits · 29/02/2020 14:23

We have spoken about money a lot in the past and it always boils down to the fact that I have more savings than him. And I genuinely don't know if iabu here so want some input before bringing it up again.

OP posts:
Curiosity101 · 29/02/2020 14:23

The main issue here is surely that neither of you set a budget for the wedding? If you don't set a budget then it's not surprising that you've run out of money...
You need to have a think and a chat together about how much more you are both willing / able to put towards the wedding and then stick to that budget.

And I know it wasn't the point of the thread but your monthly finances are eating into your savings?
You phrase - that has dramatically dropped because I am unable to save due to not earning enough to be able to
Is worrying really...

Either you are spending outside of your means (ie. you need to budget better). Or you need to re evaluate your spending / finances as a couple as they sound unusually separate for people who are planning to get married.

Obviously it could be a choice on your part that you're using your savings but your phrase makes it sound more like it has to be inevitable... Ie. because you're part time but your husband is full time only he can afford savings? That's crazy. Surely you can either both afford it or neither of you can afford it?

Greenkit · 29/02/2020 14:23

Anything to do with your child should come out of the joint account, its a joint child.

If you are both short for the wedding fund, both pay a little bit more in

You really should be able to discuss this with him

GinDrinker00 · 29/02/2020 14:24

You have more savings than him yes... but your the one who took a massive pay cut to look after your joint child? No offence but sounds like your heading for a divorce before your even married.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/02/2020 14:24

Days out with your daughter are joint expenses.

You two really need to sit down and talk about money properly because as it stands this ring is the least of your problems.

WickedlyPetite · 29/02/2020 14:24

So many questions...

Why are you marrying someone you "daren't say" something to?

Why is he able to save every month while you're dipping into inheritance money?

Why is he spending £825 on a wedding ring when money is running low?

And... you and your family have contributed £12k while he and his family have contributed £8k, so if he's so concerned about who owes what, tell him he's currently running £4k short on his contribution.

conduitoffortune · 29/02/2020 14:25

Irrelevant but he has way more dispensable income than you month to month which seems unfair as you work part time to look after a child that belongs to both of you.

TotesGodsWill · 29/02/2020 14:25

I just don’t understand how you can have a child with and be planning to marry someone you can’t have frank conversations about money with!

BumbleBeee69 · 29/02/2020 14:26

hang on ... he spent £825 on a bloody wedding band ?!

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