Please tell me if AIBU re money

[rumandbiscuits]

I am getting married soon and the wedding has turned out to be bigger than previously expected.
My Dad has given us £6,000
My Mum £1000
My FIL £3000
Myself £5000
And my OH £5000

We still however are starting to run short now that all the final bills have been paid and we are approaching the big day. My OH has recently bought his wedding ring out of his own account (£825) and come to me today and said he wants me to reimburse him out of the wedding account for it but trouble is we don't have enough in there to pay it so will both have to put more money in plus more for other last minute bits. I daren't say it to him because I don't know if I'm being a CF but my family have put in more money than his and therefore want to say can't you just pay for your own ring?

For context he has about £10,000 in savings and is able to put money away every month and I have £18,000 (an inheritance I got from my grandad that has dramatically dropped because I am unable to save due to not earning enough to be able to).

He works full time and earns £3000 a month
I work part time (to look after our daughter the other two days so we don't have to pay for child care) and earn £1000 per month.

I don't think that the money your families have given you is anything to do with it. Traditionally the bride's parents paid for the whole wedding.

You both need to sit down and agree a wedding budget that you will both actually stick to. And you need to sort your day to day finances. A good rule of thumb is that you have equal personal spending money after bills etc are taken into account. So it may be that he should be paying a bigger proportion of the bills account. You also need to agree with constitutes a "joint" expense - in our house that would include petrol for getting to work and going shopping etc. And it would include child related things.

How much each family has contributed is irrelevant.

Whatever is left to be paid is between you and your husband to be. You feel he should pay more - because he earns more, and this seems logical to me.

But the problem seems to be is that he does now know the pot is empty.

Its going to be an awkward marriage if you can't discuss money and have such a defined way of dealing with it. I feel sad for you all.

In our household, we just have joint accounts and both of us have full access. But if you would have an argument because he thinks he is owed money, this might not be a solution for you.

I would suggest pooling everything, then transferring equal amounts to your own accounts for your personal spends. Anything family (and child) related should come out of joint account, including family savings.

I also highly recommend you have this discussion and agreement before the wedding.

Married here. Joint money - absolutely everything is pooled and always has been. Accounts in joint names.

I must be very, very old fashioned, because I'm another one that can't get past the £20k spent on a few hours in a single day. Being the mum of DDs, maybe I should start saving now …..

I’m more intrigued as to how the 20k has been spent OP!! Can you give us details and maybe we could help reduce costs??!!

£825 for a wedding ring is insane. As is £20k for one day. My friend spent huge amounts last year on her wedding, both took loans out etc and panicking now, absolute madness.

If you pool wages you need to pool savings too.T the moment you have £500 to spend.If he spent the same in. 8 months you would have the same savings,behond that he would have more so it benefits you to combine.
All wages into one account,same amount each spending money and rest into savings.
Your daughter's costs come out if the joint account.
You need to sit down together and look at the wedding budget ,pay for the ring yourself(look at it as an investment).,
Then talk about the general budget for the future.

How we did it....Even though we both have separate accounts, ours is considered as one pot. It doesn't matter who pays for what, which money it comes out of etc, it's all considered together. He earns more so he pays for more stuff.

As if you’re saying you don’t earn enough, and yet here you are spending over 20k on a wedding.

I cannot even think of any advice to give you because the whole situation sounds like a joke.

You want a bigger wedding than you can realistically afford. The budget was £20k. Stick to the budget and cut elsewhere.

Why do you need a huge wedding when you alrwady have a child. Priorities askew here - focus on the marriage part rather than the frippery.

In this instance I would probably talk about pooling savings too, as they are both in the same ballpark. Especially if his are tending to increase slightly every month and yours are decreasing - if you don’t change the way you are managing things your savings will probably be equal in a year anyway.

Good to agree what the savings are for though, and that you must both agree when they are spent.

We have a joint credit card for things like food or things DD needs, which is paid from the joint account. And personal credit cards for our own spend, which comes out of our own accounts.

if you're struggling to afford things after 20k you need to cut down on what you're spending?

You're bringing common sense into it now, GinDrinker ... not always a good idea with wedding threads on MN

You’ve spent almost half a year’s income on a party and you don’t even have wedding rings yet?

What are your savings for if they are not for your flashy wedding?

You are sending a clean fortune on one day, perhaps you should think to rein it in a bit? take some bows of chairs or whatever?? The only think your guests care about is having enough to eat and drink, and not having to hang around too much doing nothing.

You both have savings so go talk to him and decide if you want to go over budget and if so both put more money in. The the ring can come from the wedding 'fund'.
You don't want it thrown back at you some day that he had to 'pay' for his own ring.
It's all the same money, after you're married so really shouldn't matter, but does sometimes.
If you divorce all your assets will be tallied and split anyway.

We each brought our own rings 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's too late now Lip we are getting married in a few weeks. It's isn't a massive luxurious wedding, it's a Friday in March (because this date is one of the cheapest) in a lovely old fashioned Manor House (not the most expensive venue in our area but also not the cheapest I would say average).
Bridesmaids dresses bought off the high street. Florist is a friend of a friend and doing it cheaper for us. Photographer is good but also one of the cheapest I could find (all similar prices). We have a DJ for the evening and a photo booth which again was an offer I found. Honestly it is really difficult to get a wedding that costs less than £20k. It is doable if you go to a registry office which we did talk about but we decided we wanted to have the day that we have planned. I think where the over spending has come from is probably my dress, dress alterations for myself and bridesmaid (which I didn't think would be as much as it was), the rings and the suits. We have a spreadsheet for budgeting we haven't been stupid but have underestimated the cost of things!

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

i'd have to really think about marrying this guy purely because of the money aspect and the fact you don't seem to be able to talk about it. that is not a good start to married life.

For those of you shocked at the £20k wedding - £20k is a pretty average wedding cost in the UK, don't know why everyone is shocked by it but like previous posters have pointed out; it is a lot of money for people who have less than £30000 in savings.

You’ve got a child and you’ve blown in excess of £20k on a party?

This. £20k for a wedding and you've run out?? Stealth boast.

An 'argument' if you refuse to reimburse him and you are not comfortable/seem afraid to discuss money with him- OP listen to the posters here querying this, this is NOT normal and needs addressing not fobbing off. I wouldn't be marrying someone who started a row with me or who I was unable to speak to without fear of one, let alone a man who won't share finances if we had a child and were married.

DP and I have a joint account from which mortgage and bills are paid, I am not currently working due to sickness so this money all comes from him. Regardless, what is left after particulars we split 3 ways, 1/3 into joint savings account and 1/3 each into personal accounts go do what we want with. Food shop etc or anything for the house comes out of the joint account, discussing any big purchases with the other first if we are not using personal funds.

20k to have a party to marry someone who has a go at you over money is pretty concerning, what a sickening amount of money . IMO costly weddings are absolutely ridiculous generally, imagine what that could have been spent on that would last more than a (probably pretty generic and a bit underwhelming as they usually are) afternoon.

You ought to be FAR more worried that you are marrying someone you cannot talk to about finances. Choosing to spend 20k on a wedding is of course, your choice but it seems a tad unwise if you are now worrying about finances and not having enough and you are on a reduced part time wage. I'm sorry but there are several things that scream huge red flag here

I can’t imagine telling my husband to buy his own ring, don’t you want to buy it for him! apparantly not.

You don’t need to spend that kind of money. Especially when that’s almost half a year’s income. Our wedding cost less than $200 including our clothes, rings and ceremony. And I can assure you we are no less married than you will be.

You already have a child together so this isn’t the start of a new life together. You’ve spent £20k on a party to celebrate changing your surname but you “haven’t been stupid”?

I don't understand the whining, you have plenty of fucking money.

But it sounds like you need to rework the general finances. Also, if you get married, you realise all money is family money so it's not necessarily 'yours' or 'his' savings anymore