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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
Morporkia · 29/02/2020 11:20

Depends on what you call a spat..

Fuckitwhynot · 29/02/2020 11:21

Hard to say, what is it she claims you’ve done to upset her so much?

Kirkman · 29/02/2020 11:22

I agree, depends on what the spat was about and how bad it was

conduitoffortune · 29/02/2020 11:23

Seems an extreme reaction for a little spat. Unless it was actually a massive spat.

Chihaha · 29/02/2020 11:24

What actually happened?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/02/2020 11:24

I’d agree that it depends on what the spat is...

But I also think that, rightly or wrongly, it’s massively naive to think that nothing would change. If you’ve fallen out with your SM, it was never going to be likely that you’d be able to continue going to meet him there... it’s her house too.

He hasn’t said he won’t see you, but if the “spat” is bad enough that you and your SM cannot be civil, it makes sense to meet elsewhere from now on.

NorthEndGal · 29/02/2020 11:25

What kind of spat, and can he still come see you at yours?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 29/02/2020 11:26

Well it completely depends what has happened. Also why do you take things like you being left out on holidays out on your stepmum, did your dad have no say in these things when you were younger?

GinDrinker00 · 29/02/2020 11:30

Depends on what you said to her really? Must be pretty bad if you’re not allowed in their house anymore. Hmm

Original poster
Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:35

I excluded her in a hypothetical conversation about when I have children. My DM will be Granny and my DD will be Grandad she will be Jenny (made up name) She won’t also be Granny and I don’t see why she should be granny number 2 when she is my Dads wife to me and nothing else. She was really upset and thought I was being spiteful. My DD thinks I should apologise but surely it’s up to me who I want as my DCs grandparents. I told her she was being over sensitive and has made a massive issue over something that firstly is hypothetical and secondly isn’t that big a deal. She says it’s what it implies that is hurtful. For me it’s just the truth of how I feel. She is my dads wife - not my blood.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:38

@GinDrinker00 It’s more the fact that I won’t apologise for it. It’s now been a couple of weeks and she feels that I should have apologised when it happened and that I hate her. I don’t - I just don’t really care either way.

OP posts:
notanotherjigsawpiece · 29/02/2020 11:39

I think you were unkind to say that tbh, and it was unnecessary. Blood doesn’t necessarily matter - my MIL is a better grandmother to my DS (not blood related as my DH is a stepdad) than my ex’s mother ever will be.

FairytaleofBykerGrove · 29/02/2020 11:40

YANBU - she’s just shown why you would think that. Would she turn her own daughters out and not let them back over something so trivial?

MitziK · 29/02/2020 11:40

That does sound rather spiteful. She's been around for over half of your life - you didn't have to make it so blunt. Or better still, don't have hypothetical conversations where the upshot is you tell somebody that could easily feel love for you (or at least an emotional attachment) that they are nothing to you, have always been nothing to you and you're going to make sure that they are nothing to any children you have.

GinDrinker00 · 29/02/2020 11:41

That was a super unkind thing to say to her and no need if you’re not even expecting. You should of apologised really and I don’t blame her reaction to it. Things won’t get better if you have an attitude like that.

PotteringAlong · 29/02/2020 11:41

She’s right. It was massively hurtful.

Apolloanddaphne · 29/02/2020 11:41

I do think that was a little spiteful and cruel given she has been in your life for a long time. It also seems you are cross because they moved although I am unclear as to who you are referring to when you say I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs?

APatchyTomCat · 29/02/2020 11:42

You were spiteful and she's drawn a boundary. If you don't really care very much, just see your dad elsewhere.

EliK · 29/02/2020 11:42

Bit mean, yeah. My DS is really close to his (step) grandpa and he's always been grandpa.

Gamble66 · 29/02/2020 11:42

So you expect to be be basically rude and a bit cruel to somone and still be allowed in thier house? She's showing you her boundaries exactly as you showed yours

Bedroomdilemma · 29/02/2020 11:43

Why would you be upset at not going on family holidays when you’ve made it clear you don’t see her as family?

GlitchStitch · 29/02/2020 11:43

Is it just about the Granny thing or is it the latest in a line of times where she feels you've been unkind to her?

You say you've made some 'subtle shots' at her in the past and apparently told her to get over herself about the latest argument. Maybe she just thinks you are rude and abrupt and doesn't want you in her home making her feel like crap.

QueenOfPain · 29/02/2020 11:43

Given your update, YABU.

Freedom of speech isn’t freedom of consequences. You’ve had this woman in your life for longer than you ever knew life without her, yet you don’t think she’s worthy of any grandparenting role to your non existence kids?!

You sound very immature for 29. One day you will realise that the more people who love and care about a child, the better life is for them.

dustibooks · 29/02/2020 11:43

In her shoes, I'd be rather hurt too, and perhaps you might need to apologise for upsetting her over this (albeit hypothetical) situation. You have snubbed her, and she knows it. Underneath, you know it too.

There would have been no harm in her being Nana Jenny or Grandma Jenny, would there?

Morporkia · 29/02/2020 11:43

If she has been your stepmom for over half of your life and you say don’t hate her or care either way then I would say that you probably do dislike her a lot more than you’re letting on. She has probably picked up on this over the years and your excluding her as part of your hypothetical children’s family was the last straw.