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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
GothamProtector · 29/02/2020 12:19

And he's an individual. He doesn't have to back you if he thinks you're wrong.

BrendasUmbrella · 29/02/2020 12:19

Well her subsequent actions proved the OP right. A mother would not ban a child from their house over a quarrel over children who don't exist yet. OP also said she felt excluded and wasn't invited on holiday and it sounds like she only saw them over summer.

If you're not going to act like a parent to someone, why on earth would you expect the privileges of being a grandparent to their dc's?

pelirocco123 · 29/02/2020 12:19

I am nanny to my sons ex partners child and you cant get more blood removed tjan that .I had a step mum who was the OW and she was always nanny to my kids

MitziK · 29/02/2020 12:19

You got your nose out of joint because you wanted the expensive holiday?

cstaff · 29/02/2020 12:20

But she was never included in family holiday, not just Florida. It sounds like she has been excluded constantly and her sisters have been given preference every time.

MadisonMontgomery · 29/02/2020 12:20

I think she is in the wrong. If she didn’t class you as family, i.e. being included on family holidays, then why should you class her as family now she wants to play granny? And would she exclude one of her own daughters from the family home? I would put these points to your dad, and his answers might be quite telling (but brace yourself for the probable answer that he’s going to put her first).

titchy · 29/02/2020 12:20

So you weren't bothered about missing the cheap camping holidays, but you're annoyed because when you were a self-supporting adult they wouldn't stump up the cash for a long haul trip. And you intend to actively exclude your sm from being another grandparent. You sound delightful....

GothamProtector · 29/02/2020 12:20

@BrendasUmbrella yes they would. I've seen parents tell their adult independent children not to come back until they can act appropriately.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/02/2020 12:21

They didn't tell you you couldn't go to Florida. They told you they couldn't pay for you to go. Two completely different things, and a very reasonable thing to say to a woman in her mid 20s.

titchy · 29/02/2020 12:21

Why aren't you blaming your dad for not taking you on holiday when you were a child? Why is she taking all the blame?

APatchyTomCat · 29/02/2020 12:22

So see your dad at yours 🤷

atomicblonde30 · 29/02/2020 12:22

I’m technically a SM (me and her dad are having a trial separation) I don’t know how the future will play out but if she said that to me as an adult I would be absolutely crushed. You really were incredibly unkind to her. I’d probably think ‘well if that’s how you feel’ etc

FoamingAtTheUterus · 29/02/2020 12:22

Oh God is that all ?

You do sound petty and spiteful. You also sound like you know exactly how to press someone's hurt button.

Regarding the home visits that's an issue your dad has to answer for. If you feel pushed out you should be putting the blame on him, not your SM.

Skittlesss · 29/02/2020 12:23

Just to add, every grandparent I know has indicated their preferred name (eg nanny, grandpop). I don’t think it’s up to us as parents to decide what our children will call our parents - I think that’s something that generally develops between the grandparent and grandchild.

TheFastandTheCurious · 29/02/2020 12:23

You weren't asked to offer to pay for yourself???? You should've just told them you would ffs!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/02/2020 12:23

If she didn’t class you as family, i.e. being included on family holidays, then why should you class her as family now she wants to play granny?

Surely same can be said for her dad then too. He excluded her from family holidays, so he doesn't get to play grandad (to a non-existent child!)

Original poster
Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 12:23

I do blame him too but he’s my dad and I do feel that if it wasn’t for her, I’d be included. He does everything she wants

OP posts:
incognitomum · 29/02/2020 12:24

I agree dad should have included you more.

HavenDilemma · 29/02/2020 12:26

I don't follow any of this. You'd have liked to have been closer to your dear daughter and dear son but they moved to Cornwall before your dear son was born? Eh??

Your step mum won't have any bearing on your relationship with your son and daughter? What do they have to do with it?

Why can't you go into her house?

Sorry, I'm genuinely lost Confused

Rootd · 29/02/2020 12:27

Your issue is with your dad and you've chosen to act passive aggressively to her. And worse you've used your unborn child as a weapon. Not nice, OP. You've got some serious growing up to do before your anyone's mother.

Olawisk · 29/02/2020 12:27

You’re a women in your 20s. You could of offered to pay for yourself. Why should they pay for you?!

It’s your SM house too, she doesn’t have to allow you in it. You’re not a child anymore. You’re a grown women so act your age. Your dad can come to you.

Electrical · 29/02/2020 12:27

A load of drama over nothing. Your theoretical kid can just call her her name, there was no need to have a conversation about it and make it into A Thing. There’s no need for you to be bothering much with those people at all really, you sound like you’re desperate for a relationship that’s not there and they’re not interested, so you keep getting hurt. Change the dynamic, opt out.

wafflyversatile · 29/02/2020 12:28

You're nearly 30 and were upset you weren't invited on holiday?

Seems that you were deliberately putting her in her place through spite.

Presuming your DC would see her at the same time as seeing your DF
it would be a granny/GC relationship. She wouldnt be nothing to your DC.

GothamProtector · 29/02/2020 12:28

Yea....because they're married. They have young children. You're an adult. Start acting like tit.

MaryShelley1818 · 29/02/2020 12:29

I also can't make head nor tail of this. You talk about your DD and DS but then later say you're having IVF. Is this a second marriage for more children. What does your DD call her now?

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