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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
TheFastandTheCurious · 29/02/2020 12:29

DD is dear dad and DS is dear sister in this case, it's really not that hard to follow

TheYearOfTheDog · 29/02/2020 12:29

I think this sounds like unnecessary drama that YOU created!

You don't even have a child.

Scubalubs87 · 29/02/2020 12:30

I feel very strongly that by son won’t call my mother’s husband grandad. He isn’t my step dad. He plays no father figure role in my life. If we had a different relationship, perhaps, I’d be more open to it, but we just don’t. He will be known by his name. I have friends who have taken similar stances with the partners of our parents. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I very much understand your viewpoint. I do wonder, however, if the manner in which in this has been communicated has caused the issue.

nestisflown · 29/02/2020 12:30

I do blame him too but he’s my dad and I do feel that if it wasn’t for her, I’d be included. He does everything she wants

Pathetic, it's on your dad. As you said yourself, she's your dad's wife not your family so in the same vain she's not responsible for the exclusion by your dad from your family (him and your half siblings). Either she is family so is partly responsible, or she isn't and the blame lands squarely with your father.

DishingOutDone · 29/02/2020 12:30

OMG here we go double standards or what - the OP was 14 when she was first excluded from the family holiday. So she wasn't family then was she eh? But now there's a chance to swank around with a baby all of a sudden Step mother is a loving mum to her?

Last week there was a thread where an OP wanted to take her 6 year old DD out for a little shopping trip and some lunch and posters piled in saying what a bitch she was for not taking her two older step sons even though they didn't live with her!

But now apparently its ok for the OP to have been excluded from her step family and dad, but soon as she produces a baby the step mum has rights over it?! Jenny sounds entitled and is reaping what she sowed.

Electrical · 29/02/2020 12:30

haven OP was using DD to mean Dad, and DSs to mean half sisters. I was massively confused too 😁

Ariela · 29/02/2020 12:31

How about a compromise?

My stepmum was 'Nana Joyce' to my dad's grandkids. Everyone else was grandma or granny

GothamProtector · 29/02/2020 12:31

Camping. They went camping with babies and toddlers. They planned a break suitable for babies.

Not a teenager.

Olawisk · 29/02/2020 12:31

@DishingOutDone op has said she wasn’t bothered about the cheap camping trips. She’s just annoyed she didn’t get paid for on a expensive holiday as an adult

lyralalala · 29/02/2020 12:32

I do blame him too but he’s my dad and I do feel that if it wasn’t for her, I’d be included. He does everything she wants

He's an adult. It was his choice to exclude you.

You don't even know that he would have included you, you just think he might have.

It sounds like your SM is sick of you having pops at her all the time and is upset that you don't even care that she's hurt.

If their shared children are young I can understand her getting pissed off. I wouldn't be inviting someone into our home who had constant digs at me in front of my kids, especially if they were an adult DH could meet elsewhere

TheYearOfTheDog · 29/02/2020 12:32

See it from your dad's point of view. He's in a relationship with HIS WIFE. They go on holiday.

He can't keep pandering to his adult daughter just to prove he loves you. It's not a contest between his wife and his daughter. Different roles one would imagine.

You said something pretty hurtful to his wife. He is a parent. She is a step parent. I think they can see how hurtful it was and you refuse to see that.

I'd actually give it a while and then go back to her and apologise.

They'd both respect you for it.

You said you get on with her! Why fuck things up?? You're her children's half sister. She doesn't want to hear you say that she's the bottom of the heap if you bring a new baby back.

Jaxhog · 29/02/2020 12:33

Wow, that's quite a chip you have on your shoulder!

I was never invited on hols with my parents and siblings either, once I left home. The only hols I ever went on as a child were camping in Scotland. My much younger siblings got to go to Hawaii (twice), Florida, Spain, and Italy, etc. But I never expected to be invited once I was a grown-up, and have no problem that they did.

I think you are being quite mean in making it very clear that you don't consider her to be family, insisting that she is 'Jenny', not Grandma.

My guess is that you make no secret of your resentment, and that this is the last straw. If I were her, I wouldn't you and your chip staying at my house either.

This isn't a 'little spat'. It's a deeper problem that has been a long time coming. If you don't sincerely apologize and back down, this will lead to a permanent split with your Dad. Do you really want that?

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/02/2020 12:33

Your father has excluded you OP. Stop with the sly digs against your SM. Apologise and have a proper, grown up conversation about your feelings with your father.

AllPointsNorth · 29/02/2020 12:33

I wouldn’t want you in my house either, all this nastiness over an imaginary child. Do you have a partner you’re planning on having a child with?
This Florida holiday you fancied, as an adult, did you say you’d like to come and you’d pay your way? Or were you expecting a free ticket?
Your dad thinks you are being unkind too, does his opinion not count?

Unusualsuspicion · 29/02/2020 12:34

This is the second thread with some people being ridiculously prissy about only 'blood' family being allowed certain designations, then disingenuously claiming that it's just 'factual' and not an emotional decision at all. Bollocks is it! Of course you are being petty and mean. My dcs call both their grandmothers granny and both grandpas grandpa, do you know their little brains cope just fine with knowing who is who, they just specify 'granny dorothy' or 'granny mary' if there is confusion. I think it's beyond sad that you wouldn't honour each and every person who is significantly involved in your future childrens' lives with whatever designation they themselves have chosen. There might be issues between you and SM but you need to tackle them head on, not be childish and vindictive while pretending you are a model of rationality.

GothamProtector · 29/02/2020 12:34

I don't believe her father did exclude her. I just bet her expectations were as ridiculous as a teenager as they are now.

Because he didn't jump when she clicked her fingers she cried exclusion.

Itwasntme1 · 29/02/2020 12:35

Have you spoken calmly to them about being excluded from family holidays?

It does seem odd that you dad didn’t take all his children - did he take you on holiday before your sisters were born?

Have you explained to your step mum that you you think it’s a double standard. You weren’t part of the family when you were a teen and they excluded your from family holidays, but now she wants to be granny to your child.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/02/2020 12:36

It’s her house too: if you don’t respect her enough to not hurt her feelings over a hypothetical Situation then you shouldn’t be around

GulliBelle · 29/02/2020 12:37

A bit of aside, I think a UK camping holiday with babies or toddlers and a teenager (stepchild or not) is like something from a nightmare.

chooseausername · 29/02/2020 12:37

I don't think you're being spiteful at all. My dad's partner is known by her name and my dad is grandad. As much as I like her, only my mum and DH's mum are to be called nan/gran/grandma. He has chosen to be with her which I'm fine with and she cares for my DD but I don't think she needs a title. She's ok with that too!

Flutteringsatlast · 29/02/2020 12:37

Ime you can't win. My sm embraced my dc and I allowed it. Even though at her insistence I was the only dc missing from their wedding...
She hit 40 and decided she wasn't really their dgm and dumped us all.
Df followed suit.
Twats.

Nanny0gg · 29/02/2020 12:37

What @UniversalAunt said.

I had a SM when I was adult. She was Granny to my DC and was very, very good to them. She was also very good to my DF. We tolerated each other.

I don't see why, if you want a relationship with your step-siblings you think you can dismiss their mother.

You were unkind. Now reap the consequences.

tashac89 · 29/02/2020 12:38

I think it's a little callous to bring it up, especially as any relationship your hypothetical kids will have should pretty much be down to them.

I've had a step mother for 3 years, she has been with my dad for 5 and my mother died 8 years ago. My older children flip between nan and her name because they remember my mum being nan and it's weird for them. The little 'uns have only ever known her as my dads wife, so nan is what she is. Nothing to do with me whatsoever.

nestisflown · 29/02/2020 12:38

@Flutteringsatlast wow. That's shocking. But OPs situation doesn't sound as bad. For a father to allow his child to be excluded from his wedding says it all really. I'm sorry your dad is so shit.

Honeybee85 · 29/02/2020 12:39

Going against the grain here but I think YANBU.
Yes it wasn’t a very kind thing to say of you but unless this is the tip of the iceberg, she has overreacted. @FairytaleofBykerGrove already mentioned it: would she no longer allow her daughters in the home over something that might be upsetting (but not unreasonable IMO)?
She choose to become a SM by getting into a relationship with a man who was already a father by then so she should accept that she can never be in the same position as the mother of her SC. And yes, that includes not being a ‘real’ grandmother to the grandchildren of her DH and his ex.

It’s your dad’s home as well and unless you’re being abusive towards her, IMO there’s no reason why you should go as far as telling your partner that their child is no longer welcome in the house that is owned by said partner as well.