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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
Itwasntme1 · 29/02/2020 12:07

I do think it’s sad that you have been banned from the house.

I assume you aren’t pregnant - but when you do have a baby if you aren’t allowed into your dads house, I assume your step mother want have any sort of relationship with your child.

lunar1 · 29/02/2020 12:08

Maybe if the op had been included in family life and treated like a part of the family she'd feel completely different about calling the step mum granny.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 29/02/2020 12:08

My children have a step grandparent and have always called him by his first name. It doesn't mean he is any less loved! They just call him that because we call him by his name.

I don't think you are being particularly unreasonable.

My kids actually call my dad by a nickname. That seems a fair compromise?

I think your father is being completely over the top to decide that you can no longer come to the house. That is a huge overreaction. (It reads like your father made that decision, is that right?)

puds11 · 29/02/2020 12:08

Christ are people really that confused by DD in this context Hmm

Your dad should have prevented your exclusion from any family things therefore it’s him you should be annoyed with. Just as she isn’t your mother, you aren’t her child. He has failed you.

I think if there’s this much resentment between the two of you just have your dad come to you.

@UniversalAunt it really does sound like you know op.

MzHz · 29/02/2020 12:10

The only apology she would get from me would be “I’ve been excluded from family holidays over and over, it’s been made clear to me that I’m on the outside of all this, so I deduced that there was no interest in being close to me or any dc I may have. If I’m wrong, then fair enough we can discuss naming of parents etc when relevant”

Itwasntme1 · 29/02/2020 12:10

If you were 27 or 28 and they are short on cash, surely you could have paid for yourself to go with them to Disneyland?

It sounds like you were invited to that one, you just couldn't afford it?

Grumpos · 29/02/2020 12:11

I think the fact you won’t acknowledge that it has hurt her is rather immature and spiteful.
Ok you don’t want your child to call her granny, that’s your prerogative and whilst a lot of people will find it quite odd, you’re entitled to feel how you feel - however, you’ve clearly upset her with your delivery of this information (which probably neither her nor your dad were expecting) and when you upset someone apologising is generally regarded as the right thing to do.
What would be so bad in saying “Jenny im sorry you were upset about our conversation, personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with you being “granny” because of my DM, however I don’t mean this as a slight towards you”

And your dad has been in a relationship with this woman for decades and you don’t think he’d have her back when you’re blatantly refusing to acknowledge that you’ve hurt her? I would expect the same from my partner regarding his kids honestly.

I have a step mum and am a step mum - it’s a thankless task honestly.

You don’t want a relationship with her, so she is now saying she doesn’t want one with you. It’s her home, she shouldn’t be made to go and sit in the local pub whilst a 30 year old step child visits.

I think you need to grow up somewhat - if you have issues from your childhood then it should be taken up with your DAD - not aimed at his partner who had / has no obligation towards you

Oakmaiden · 29/02/2020 12:12

When did they start excluding you from family holidays? How old were you the first time they went with your step sisters and not you, and did you live with them at the time?

RUOKHUN · 29/02/2020 12:12

The focus of your resentment is on the wrong person. It’s your Dad you should have been annoyed at.
It sounds like your Step-Mother is actually quite hurt and possibly embarrassed that you think quite so little of her. Why would you have talked about hypothetical things that could hurt peoples feelings?

I’m not close to my step mother in anyway but she will still be a grandparent to my children because I’m not out to upset anyone. And yes I was also excluded from my dad’s second families holidays too.

DimplesMcGee · 29/02/2020 12:12

I’m not from a stepfamily so perhaps I’m missing something of the dynamics, but I think that was a little harsh of you, tbh.

winniethekid · 29/02/2020 12:12

I excluded her in a hypothetical conversation about when I have children. My DM will be Granny and my DD will be Grandad she will be Jenny (made up name) She won’t also be Granny and I don’t see why she should be granny number 2 when she is my Dads wife to me and nothing else

I'm not surprised she's hurt, she's been your SM for over half your life and then you go and say something to blunt about a purely hypothetical situation and that she's nothing to you. Would it really be awful if they called her Nan or something?

What do you call your aunts and uncles husbands and wives ?

Then a few years ago they went to Florida and said that I was a grown up now and they wouldn’t be able to go if paying for me too. My half sisters are still school aged so they always go by default. I was upset as this was actually a holiday I’d have liked to go on

As an adult there is zero reason why they should have paid for you to go to Florida, that's down to you to pay. Being upset is ridiculous.

Grumpos · 29/02/2020 12:12

You were upset that they didn’t pay for you to go to Florida as a 25+ year old woman.
Fuck it have a biscuit dear Biscuit

bananafish · 29/02/2020 12:12

Mmm - I think Jenny has had quite enough of you and your "subtle shots".

But that sounds as though it's fine with you. You don't regard her as family and she's making the same distinction. No skin off your nose, right?

Just meet your dad elsewhere. Sounds like he's sticking up for his wife. I suspect that's really what's got your goat..

nacher · 29/02/2020 12:13

Were you left out of family holidays because you were an adult OP? That sort of happens in 'blood' families too.

Not sure why you had to say anything in the first place, family titles evolve naturally in most cases.

Oakmaiden · 29/02/2020 12:13

Oh, cross post. Well, sorry I think if you are an adult with your own money you should pay for your own holiday. So I think you cries of "exclusion" are a little precious there.

Runmybathforme · 29/02/2020 12:14

YABU, sounds rather nasty TBH. She’s been in your life for a long time, you could have asked her what she’d like to be called. You seem. Rey keen on pointing out that she’s not blood, only your Father’s wife, but children need all the love they can get, and you will need all the support you can get when the time comes.

DimplesMcGee · 29/02/2020 12:15

And seriously, you’re chucking a snit because you didn’t get taken to Disneyland in your late 20s?!

WalkingDeadTrainee · 29/02/2020 12:16

Then a few years ago they went to Florida and said that I was a grown up now and they wouldn’t be able to go if paying for me too.
Did you offer to pay for yourself?

Skittlesss · 29/02/2020 12:16

surely it’s up to me who I want as my DCs grandparents.

No, it isn’t. Godparents - you choose. Grandparents - you don’t.

I don’t see why you are making such a fuss and why you would want to isolate her like this? In the grand scheme of things, is it really THAT BAD for your hypothetical children to have an extra grandparent? Jesus, some children have NO GRANDPARENTS at all. Why would you deprive your hypothetical child like this?

PanannyPanoo · 29/02/2020 12:17

As far as your children are concerned she will be their Grandparent. She lives with their Grandfather and will do from the moment they are born, the fact she isn't related to you doesnt matter.

We have a step parents in our family, the adults call them by their first names, the grand children call them Nanny, Granny, Grandma, Nanma, Granddad, Pops, Grampy and Pumpy - the names evolved.

I think you should apologise, you hurt her feelings and you want your children to be part of your dad's life, she is part of the deal.

GothamProtector · 29/02/2020 12:17

You are coming across as petulant and ridiculous. If I were her I'd ban you from my house as well

SuperMeerkat · 29/02/2020 12:17

Totally up to you if you would prefer her to be called Jenny. From a personal point of view, I used to have a lady who I called nanny before she passed and she wasn’t related. She was like a grandmother figure tbh. It’s not like the names should be exclusive, especially if your SM has been around for so long.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/02/2020 12:17

Then a few years ago they went to Florida and said that I was a grown up now and they wouldn’t be able to go if paying for me too

As an adult, going on an expensive trip, why would you expect your dad to pay for you?

Icecreamdiva · 29/02/2020 12:18

What you said was completely unnecessary. If that’s an example of your subtlety I’m surprised nothing has been said before now.

You sound as if you are very jealous of her relationship with your dad. What you said was intended to show that you and he have a connection that excludes her. Which of course you do, and if you are jealous, that’s fair enough as well, we can’t help how we feel. However, we can help how we deal with those feelings and making these not so subtle digs at her has come back to bite you in the bum.

Original poster
Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 12:18

I wasn’t asked on the holiday. I brought up being excluded for it and they made excuses but I wasn’t offered to even pay for myself. I was 14 when they first went away without me and my half sisters were babies/tots.

Yes I am upset dad has taken her side. I’m his daughter!

OP posts: