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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:53

My Dad has taken her side as far as I can see. He sits on the fence but he said I should apologise. She sent me a message and told me it wasn’t what I said as much as that I am not sorry I hurt her. Is it my fault that she had unrealistic expectations of her relationship with me and my future children?

OP posts:

Original poster

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:54

@AnnaMagnani oh yes oops! I am new and don’t quite get the lingo yet! Is DF what I should have said?

OP posts:

WhatHappenedThen · 29/02/2020 11:55

The only reason to have said that would have been to deliberately hurt her feelings. Even if you think it why would you say it out loud! I can see why your Dad wants you to apologise. If that is indicative of other ‘little shots’ you have had at her then maybe this was the one that pushed her over the edge.

I can see it was upsetting that you weren’t invited on family holidays but I presume that was your dads decision as much as hers?

SmallChickBilly · 29/02/2020 11:55

On the one hand, I agree that being excluded from family events has contributed to your lack of familial feeling with her.

On the other hand, making a point over her relationship with hypothetical children that don't even exist seems like you were trying to stir up trouble. Of course, it's easy for you to say that the subject of the row wasn't important because you get what you want out of it and you hold all the 'power' in such a situation.

So, while I think you are possibly justified in holding on to some residual resentment over the way you have been excluded in the past, this was a poorly-judged opportunity to get your own back on her. And your dad sounds a bit weak and pathetic to have colluded in excluding you over the years, so it's no surprise that he is continuing the trend now.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/02/2020 11:56

Who is DD? DD means dear daughter? You don’t have kids you said?

This is the problem with people who can't use their words! In this case OP is calling her Dad DD (Dear Dad) and her half sisters DSs (Dear Step sisters?) which isn't technically right as she said they are half sisters (share a dad) rather than step sisters (no blood relation)

UniversalAunt · 29/02/2020 11:56

Yup, that’s a spat.

You spat back in her face the seventeen years of being your step mother, father’s wife, mother of your half-sisters, all the time, energy, interest given to you by her.

By your own words (‘ but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it.’) you have form for speaking your mind. I doubt that you are subtle in the slightest & that your DF & SM have tolerated your comments to keep the family relationship harmonious to overcome the challenge of distance between Kent & Cornwall.

Your most recent comment is thoughtless & spiteful. Possibly the straw that has broken the proverbial camel’s back, & now the family welcome in Cornwall has been updated.

I suggest that you take time to reflect upon what really matters to you, reflect upon what J has meant & done for you over the years, particularly as she was not involved at all in the break up of your parents’s relationship, reflect upon what it will feel like to not be welcome in their home any more.

This is down to you.

Snowymascot · 29/02/2020 11:57

My mums stepdad was in her life for roughly the same about of time your step mum has been in yours. She always called him by his first name. To me (and my mum) he was grandpa. I love him dearly and he was so good to me and my siblings. Infact I have been given his surname as a middle name.

You said in another post that she isn’t blood so why should your children call her granny? Do you have any brother or sister in laws that aren’t blood? Will your future children call them auntie or uncle?

Life is too short to have these silly arguments and I do think you were unkind in what you said.

Itwasntme1 · 29/02/2020 11:57

So she excludes your from family holidays, but expects to be granny to your children🙄.

And you dad has taken her side?

Can you give more details on the family holidays, does you dad holiday with her and her daughters and not invite you?

HAve you asked why she wants to be granny

AnneKipanki · 29/02/2020 11:57

That was not nice @Eggandbeans .
I am not surprised she is upset.
There are alternative words for Granny. I know she is not your "blood" .
Would you like her not to give a shit about your offspring?

adaline · 29/02/2020 11:59

I think that's really mean OP - sorry.

She's been in your life since you were 13. Why does it matter whether she's called Granny or Jenny or even Granny Jen?

Sounds like you were spiteful and now you don't like the consequences.

thickwoollytights · 29/02/2020 11:59

I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it.

And this is one of those shots. You seem to have really hit home with this shot.

Does it make you feel good?

Soontobe60 · 29/02/2020 12:00

You were being harsh, and knowing how much this has upset her but not being prepared to apologise for doing so you're now being a cow.
My DD calls my DH by his first name and he has been in her life since she was 6. When she had her DS, she introduced her DS and my DH as Grandad Soontobe.
Her Dfs partner is known as Granny Julie. She's only been in my DDs life for 10 years. So my dgs has three grandfathers and three grandmothers.
What you're trying to do is make a point. By doing so, you're preventing a positive relationship between not only your potential child and it's grandfather, but also your stepmother and your siblings. You're justifying this by saying she means nothing to you and yet it seems you've taken full advantage of her hospitality when you visit them.

TheNewSchmoo · 29/02/2020 12:00

You sound petty and spiteful. Your Dad excluded you from family holidays. Be angry at him.

amazedmummy · 29/02/2020 12:00

My dads partner is called by her first name. They've been together about 15 years. DS will call her by her first name when he's old enough to call her anything. It just doesn't feel right to call her anything else. So OP I see where you're coming from. A civil conversation between all of you might help things though.

Mummyshark2018 · 29/02/2020 12:00

I think you want it both ways- to be treated like family, go on holidays etc but then not allow someone who has been in your life since you were 13, the mother of your sisters call herself 'granny'. Does it really matter? Could she called herself nan, nanny etc?

I think I would be hurt

lola006 · 29/02/2020 12:00

My step-mum has been on the scene since I was 10. My DC and my nieces and nephews don’t know life without her in it. As far as I know, the only DC that call her ‘grandma Betty’ (fake name) are mine. The others simply use her name.

I think having a hypothetical discussion was the problem. But ultimately it is up to you to decide.

WhiteCat1704 · 29/02/2020 12:01

She is justified in banning you from her house.
It is understandable that your father has taken his wife's side. You will have to apologize to your step mother or meet him elsewhere.

Snowymascot · 29/02/2020 12:01

UniversalAunt do you actually know the OP?

cstaff · 29/02/2020 12:01

She is the one who hasn't really treated you as her own for the last number of years and now she is put out because you don't want your dc to call her granny. And you were the child 17 years ago. I understand where you are coming from OP especially as your own mum is still around.

FabulouslyFab · 29/02/2020 12:02

I’m a stepgran and I’m Granny Fab. Why couldn’t she be Granny Jenny?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/02/2020 12:02

Is DF what I should have said?

You could just use old fashioned "Dad" it's only one extra letter and it's not a requirement to use abbreviations.

MzHz · 29/02/2020 12:03

Sounds like you’ve been an inconvenience to SM and now there’s an excuse she’s leveraging to the max to keep you out of her family unit.

If your dad isn’t going to tell her that she doesn’t get to tell you your banned, nothing you can do...

Focus on those who DO give enough of a shit to have you in their lives.

timeisnotaline · 29/02/2020 12:03

I don’t know if we have the full picture of how you were excluded when younger. It does seem like if this were a clear fact then you’d have said to your dad ‘come on dad, she didn’t let me come on family holidays wirh you because I’m not her family, how can she be hurt that I’ve understood the message? And by the way you let that happen so you’re not a great dad either.’
But you didn’t say that. So it’s very hard to tell.

Polly99 · 29/02/2020 12:04

What harm does it do, if you have kids, for them to have more than 4 grandparents?
I appreciate she didn't raise you like a mother, she isn't really family to you and so you may think that she won't be a granny in the normal sense, but what if she could be a fantastic granny to your child? When it comes to adults who love and care for a child (and support that child's parents) the more the merrier in my view. I think what you've said to her is basically that you don't want her to have an important role in your child's life. That may be true, but it would also be quite hurtful. And maybe also detrimental to your child if it means for example that they get less time with grandad.

The other point is- kids call people what they like and so you may find your child has their own special name for grandparents including Jenny.

Original poster

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 12:07

The holidays were usually camping or the odd trip to France and Spain. They didn’t have a lot of spare cash and I always holidayed with my DM. I didn’t mind that as loved holidaying with my DM but they never asked me. Then a few years ago they went to Florida and said that I was a grown up now and they wouldn’t be able to go if paying for me too. My half sisters are still school aged so they always go by default. I was upset as this was actually a holiday I’d have liked to go on.

OP posts:

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