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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
dinosaurrisotto · 29/02/2020 11:44

I agree with you. If she has never treated you as a daughter why would she be a grandmother to your children? Probably would have avoided saying it outright though. Your dad is pathetic for not allowing you to his house either way.

Wishforsnow · 29/02/2020 11:44

I think you are right, why would your children call your dad's wife granny or similar.

user1494182820 · 29/02/2020 11:44

You sound resentful, jealous and spiteful.

Greenkit · 29/02/2020 11:44

Your nearly 30, move out and get a life of your own

MaisyMary77 · 29/02/2020 11:45

Ultimately it is up to you.

I can understand why she’s upset though-she’s been in your life for 17 years. That’s a long time. My DH would be crushed if DD1 told him he wouldn't be grandad to any potential children.

But that’s your decision. Not up to her at all.

Damnpeskykids · 29/02/2020 11:45

Hi OP it does sound like you've been quite harsh and can understand her being upset. My DH has a SM who has been with his dad since he was very young, our DC call her nana, they also call his mum nana too.
They've never questioned why they have 2, I know it's not always the case and every family is different but his SM is much closer to our DC, makes more of an effort & is a thousand times more involved than his actual mum.

ExcessiveAdmin · 29/02/2020 11:45

So she’s been happy to exclude you from family events over the years but is having a hissy fit because you treated her the same way ( hypothetically)?
Has she no self awareness whatsoever? YANBU.

Original poster
Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:46

I’m having ivf at the moment so while it’s hypothetical it’s hopefully going to be a reality. She isn’t my DM and I don’t see her as MY family. She’s DD family but not mine. I just don’t want anyone assuming she is going to be Granny Jenny because she’s just Jenny. I know how it sounds but it wasn’t designed to hurt her - it’s just how it is

OP posts:
Snoopdogsbitch · 29/02/2020 11:46

I don't think it's spiteful at all. You decided to have one granny and grandpa and that was it. She's being very over sensitive. To PP who have said it was cruel etc, the OP isn't close to her SM. Ridiculous to isolate you for this petty reason- ridiculous woman.

bmbonanza · 29/02/2020 11:47

I am with your father - he has to respect his wife's feelings on this and you were unkind. Why cant she be GrannyJenny?

FlibbertyGiblets · 29/02/2020 11:47

Dad and sisters I think, Apollo.

OP you've told sm your truth, she's not family. So she's fired it straight back at you.

A thorny issue for sure. bye-bye cheap Cornish holidays

notanotherjigsawpiece · 29/02/2020 11:47

In relation to being excluded from family holidays, surely this is also your dad’s fault.

Aderyn19 · 29/02/2020 11:47

I think that if you exclude your stepchild from family holidays etc when they are children, you can't reasonably expect to be considered a grandparent when they have children of their own.
Your dad is always going to be your dad but his wife, if she hasn't made you feel part of her family is always just going to be his wife and not a mother figure to you.

saraclara · 29/02/2020 11:48

Yep, that was needlessly hurtful. And I don't know why you even felt the need to say that, when you don't have kids. I would assume that you knew exactly what you wanted to achieve by saying it.

So you want her to treat you MORE as family, yet you make it clear that you don't see HER as family. This has turned into a tit for tat thing, and they never end well.

The way to see more of people is to make them want to spend time with you. Not to drive them away.

Frankola · 29/02/2020 11:49

No, she wont be granny but surely she should be something to your child.

Shes been in your life for 17 years so I can understand the hurt here.

You say she has excluded you and you've risen above it but you haven't really have you because you are now purposely excluding her.

I have a step daughter who I love with all my heart and if she acted the same way I'd be very very hurt.

Sorry but I feel you are being mean to get back at her here.

If you dont want her to have recognition in your life dont expect to have recognition in hers. Two way street I'm afraid. I cant blame her for saying dont come to her house anymore.

partofthepeanutgallery · 29/02/2020 11:49

I can understand both sides of why she's upset...

But where is your dad in this?

CwtchesCuddles · 29/02/2020 11:49

You have been very hurtful and unkind! No wonder she is upset. I think you should appologise......... Very naive to assume you could carry on as normal with your dad after insulting his wife who has been in your life fir so long!

iheartislesofwight · 29/02/2020 11:50

this is very petty and immature of you over dc you may may not have, i see it from both pov but you are being harsh unless there is a drip feed coming along.

GinDrinker00 · 29/02/2020 11:50

Who is DD? DD means dear daughter? You don’t have kids you said?

Curiosity101 · 29/02/2020 11:50

To me it sounds like YABU. I totally agree that if you don't want you kids to call her Grandma/Granny then that's fair enough. But I definitely wouldn't talk about it hypothetically in advance, and when it eventually did come up I'd tread a lot more carefully incase I upset the person.

My MIL remarried - I'm not close to her new husband at all even though they've been together for about 10 years now. But when we recently had our baby I spoke to my MIL first to find out her husbands thoughts on what he'd like to be called. Personally I didn't actually mind one way or another, but this seemed a better way to find out so I could've approached it tactfully if I needed to.

To me, if you felt it was ok to say that to her then it makes me wonder what the other 'subtle shots' might have been over the years. Perhaps you've subconsciously / unknowingly pushed her away over the years and that's why you're sometimes excluded from things?

GlitchStitch · 29/02/2020 11:51

Did she exclude the OP as a child though? OP talks about not being invited on family holidays in the present tense. And surely that would be her father's responsibility anyway.

PostNotInHaste · 29/02/2020 11:51

I can kind of understand why you might not want Granny but think due to length of time she has been in your life and is your Dad’s wife that suggesting she was Auntie Jenny would have been nice .

I do see why she’s upset and I think this is more than a spat and you need to see it as such.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/02/2020 11:52

Why would you even have this conversation? How does it come up? Surely if you have a baby, then the baby's relationships with your family will develop naturally. Or would you actively stop your child from becoming close to Jenny?

She has been in your life for almost 20 years. If you have a baby your baby won't know anything other than grandad and whatever they decide to call Jenny.

It doesn't matter what Jenny's relationship with you is, what would matter is your child's relationship with her. And that will be separate to you.

You seem to be blaming her for a lot, but your dad is there too. So why did he not include you in family holidays? I always find it very sad that the women are the one who get the blame, and the "poor helpless men" haven't any say and just do what their told.

You were being hurtful, unnecessarily. You cannot dictate other people's relationships, and to do so for a bay that doesn't even exist is frankly crazy.

ExcessiveAdmin · 29/02/2020 11:52

And I don’t think you have been hurtful or unkind. She has indicated to you over the years with her behaviour that she doesn’t consider you family. Your dad is also to blame by colluding in it.

AnnaMagnani · 29/02/2020 11:52

Your post is a bit confusing - are you using DD to mean your Dad?

It's just most posters on Mumsnet will use that to mean their daughter.