Naming ceremony with no children

[Misunderstoodcheese]

I have been invited to a friend's daughter's naming ceremony which is a beautiful family event or so one would think. I asked if my children are invited and and have been told in no uncertain terms that mine are not. My friend is lovely but she doesn't understand the time and effort that childcare would require. So as not to drip feed other children are being included in the event and I feel that my children have been excluded because we have different believes as mine are baptized.

Here we go again. It’s never just disagreement or criticism, is it? It’s ‘abuse’; a personal attack’.
Quite.

OP: AIBU to think my children have been excluded for X?
Most posters: Actually, they probably haven't been excluded for X as it's more likely to be Y and Z.
OP: You're all so mean. I didn't ask people to be mean answer the question in a way that doesn't give me affirmation

I didn't come here for abuse and personal attacks on my parenting I just wanted to know if I was BU to think that our different beliefs was a good reason to exclude my children.

If there are personal attacks an abuse, report them to MN. Odd that you want to apply 'adult rules' to people you dont know on an internet forum. But not your children. I mean at what point do children of gentle parents start to abuse by the rules, ot do you expect everyone in their life, employers, friends etc to just let them not live by the rules and do what they want

You friend clearly feels that she likes you but that your kids cause issues. You parenting style, is impacting them. So yes, they are right to exclude someone whose behaviour negatively impacts them.

Your beliefs that your kids dont have to abuse by 'adult rules', is impacting others. Like it or not. Those other people can choose how they deal with it. And they have.

really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules.

I see - wilful are they?

OP you are quite right to parent as you wish, but if that leads to exclusion from events then you will have to suck it up. Are they at school yet? Or do you home school?

I think you showed your hand too soon @Misunderstoodcheese even without the use of the word “spirited”.

You could have gotten days out of this!

We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules.

Massive drip feed which really needed to be in the OP

That, with the other comment about them being "a little extra" is going to be the reason no-one wants to invite your dc anywhere, not just now but for years to come.

Yup - you can decided to bring your dc up however you want, by by choosing not to 'impose adult rules', then you are clearly choosing a life for them that means people won't want them at their special occasions. Up to you, but don't try and make out it is your friend who is in someway being unkind.

COMMUNICATE with your friend.
Ask why your children are not invited but others are.

@Misunderstoodcheese you are hiding behind your SEND dc and your theological beliefs as an excuse as to why you haven’t had your dc invited.
The reason you haven’t is due to your parenting beliefs. Accept it or change your parenting style.

Yabu to expect someone to invite children who they are pretty certain will cause havoc.
Yanbu to politely decline.

"We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules. "

"I'm not a bad mother but yes I think my method is the right way and that until someone proves otherwise I will believe the other ways are worse otherwise I would be using them."

Dear God...no wonder they're not invited.

Aren't all parents 'gentle parents'. I certainly am. But this does not go hand in hand with not applying adult rules. These are rules that adults say to make sure there children are not hurt/scared/rude/social acceptable.
A child who is not disciplined is far more likely to feel unloved and show more and more violent, anti social behaviour. In layman's terms if your child runs across the road and you don't show a sudden adverse reaction the child will feel uncared for, where is the reassuring live there? . Please google it, there are many studies about this. Gentle parenting is not about lawlessness.

I didn't come here for abuse and personal attacks on my parenting I just wanted to know if I was BU to think that our different beliefs was a good reason to exclude my children
Which 'beliefs' is it now OP, religious or parenting?
Your 'beliefs' may very well be a good reason to exclude them. I'm not sure I'd invite them to anything either.

I'm not a bad mother but yes I think my method is the right way and that until someone proves otherwise I will believe the other ways are worse otherwise I would be using them
If it isn't your childrens behaviour that has them excluded, it'll be your condescending, judgemental attitude. Don't think for a minute it doesn't show through.

Your children have been excluded when other children are allowed.

This is a serious indication that other people find your children's behaviour unpleasant and/or anti social. If it was because they were baptised then it would be you that would not be invited as that is your belief not your dcs.

Yes I do think gentle parenting is great as long as it includes consideration for other people, for situations occasions and manners. Manners are not 'adult rules' they are simply how to live alongside others in a society without causing upset. It is possible to instil these gently.

@Bigearringsbigsmile Dyslexia does actually effect behaviour

Kind of wishing I had the guts to do what your friend has done, not going to lie. I have seen so many events ruined for everyone else by the kids of parents who view things like you do, but I think I would be too awkward to actually come out and say "yes other kids are invited, just not yours".

I think that's perhaps a bit rude but in all honesty... it is how people really feel and what they wish they could do. Nobody wants somebody else's "extra" kids spoiling their event (when the event doesn't actually mean very much to the kid you just felt obliged to invite them, that's the real kicker).

Probably just family children you are just a friend.

My friend told me in a text this morning that it was her friends idea that my children shouldn't be included but she didn't say why they thought that.

Did you ask her for more information? Maybe just ask her to explain this and explain why your friend's friend has so much sway on the guest list. Has the friend's friend met your children? Does the friend's friend have children and have they had any incidents or altercations with your children?

I doubt that the OP will be back, given that we have all criticised her parenting choices.

With those choices you need a very thick skin.

If you're waiting for proof that your parenting choices are wrong, perhaps the proof has already been presented in the form of your friend's actions today.

I doubt that the OP will be back, given that we have all criticised her parenting choices
They asked if they were excluded due to her beliefs. People have pointed out that permissive parenting tends to lead to behaviour that most people find unacceptable.
Surely anyone doing genuinely gentle parenting (Vs finding a label to use incorrectly for permissive parenting) would know that the natural consequence of allowing children to be exempt from rules and boundaries is that people won't want to invite them to events as they don't behave appropriately.

Did you ask her for more information? Maybe just ask her to explain this and explain why your friend's friend has so much sway on the guest list.

Or just keep your nose out.

I absolutely disagree with the comments that Naming Days are "rubbish". In fact, I find it rather offensive. I had a Naming Day ceremony for both of my boys. Close family and friends (including their children) were all invited. It was a very inclusive celebration.

Just because I am not religious does not mean I value and celebrate the birth of my children any less than someone who has a faith. For me personally, I didn't want to be either hypocritical or disrespectful by having a religious service with godparents etc when I don't have a faith. I don't think it right to make false promises.

Same reason why I didn't have a religious service when I married.

Oh and we didn't expect presents - we invited guests to donate to SANDS if they so wished in memory of the pregnancies we lost before having our sons.

I didn't come here for abuse and personal attacks on my parenting I just wanted to know if I was BU to think that our different beliefs was a good reason to exclude my children.

Confused...if it was your beliefs your kids were being excluded from the ceremony for...wouldn't you be excluded also...?

Just read about 'gentle parenting' which I hadn't heard before. It involves setting boundaries - a lot of people here seem to think it's simply permissive parenting, ie. letting your kids do what they like. I had not heard the term before today but the definition is similar to attachment parenting and other well-known approaches. It emphasises the relationship with the child, rather than the immediate outcome, though that doesn't mean the parent refuses responsibility - you negotiate for the child to be quiet, child refuses, you take them out of the ceremony.

Sounds weird to have a naming ceremony for a child but not let other children come. Sounds very entitled.