Naming ceremony with no children

[Misunderstoodcheese]

I have been invited to a friend's daughter's naming ceremony which is a beautiful family event or so one would think. I asked if my children are invited and and have been told in no uncertain terms that mine are not. My friend is lovely but she doesn't understand the time and effort that childcare would require. So as not to drip feed other children are being included in the event and I feel that my children have been excluded because we have different believes as mine are baptized.

My kids are good with kind hearts but they can get upto mischief just like any other child. We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules. This may also be an issue. We do have very different beliefs.

Yep, this is why your dc haven’t been invited. You might think it’s lovely that your dc run amok at social occasions getting into ‘mischief’, but actually, if I’m hosting an event, I want to know that all the dc are going to be reasonably well behaved and that if need be, I can tell them all to sort it out and calm down. (Which is very much what happens in our circle - nearest adult sorts it out, never mind whose dc it is).

I don’t feel that you would appreciate this or even that your dc would do as they were asked and stop misbehaving as it seems they normally don’t have to.

What's all this 'gentle parent' stuff? Is it a new thing...is there a manual or does it just mean you're a gentle person naturally. Hard to keep up these days what with all the new (and quite weird) trendy parenting styles.

It is possible your children haven't been invited as they tend to be a major pain in the arse at events. They would maybe enjoy the experience but no-one else would.

I'd be turning down an invite to a "naming ceremony" no matter who is invited!

The way your children behave is clearly annoying and intolerable for other people.

If your DC behave this way because of SEN then the situation is really sad. I'd expect your friends to be more tolerant and understanding. Equally though I am afraid you will need to accept that not all social situations are suitable for a child with SEN who is not able to behave in a socially acceptable manner.

If your DC behave this way because of your parenting style, given that they will have to live around other people, you need to realize that your parenting style is disservice for your DCs. I have a friend who has brought up his DCs without value judgements, that is he never praises or blames them for anything. Apparently this should lead them to develop their own, independent, values...which they have. The oldest is completely self-centered and can't take other people's feelings and needs into consideration at all (no SEN). As a result she was an unpleasant child and is now an unpleasant teenager. She is sad that she has no friends, but can't quite understand why. Now that she is a teenager some adults have begun telling her how unpleasant she is, and I assume more will do so as she grows into an adult. I feel sorry for her but stay away from her because she is so unlikable. The youngest child has realized by himself (maybe by seeing his older sister?) that he needs to self-impose limits if he wants to function socially.

On first read I was with you OP but the ‘without interference of adult rules’ bit has made me question that. Can you give some examples - when would and wouldn’t you intervene with your children’s actions? What is so vastly different in your parenting techniques compared to your friend as this might or might not be an issue?

Also, how old are your DC? They might be used to regulating themselves then the parenting differences wouldn’t actually be a factor.

OP in the instance your kids were screaming, ‘getting up to mischief’ and generally making a pest of themselves during the ceremony / naming moment, what would you do?

@Samtsirch
What comeback would you want? It is patently clear that the OPs children aren’t being excluded because they have SEN. it’s by her own admission she doesn’t think the rules apply to them nor her job to enforce them. So yes, this will be likely the first of many situations where this occurs because people don’t enjoy having children running wild because their parents can’t be bothered to implement any boundaries. I feel sorry for the children in this situation because it’s in no way their fault.
And from the thread it’s clear I’m not the only one who thinks this 🤷‍♀️

OP, I was with you initially. Thank god I read further down the thread. I’m not surprised your friend doesn’t want your DC at the ceremony. I probably wouldn’t either. I actually applaud your friend for having the balls to point blank tell you they are not invited instead of just grudgingly putting up with them for your sake. There is a lesson for you to learn here for the future ‘cos I can see this happening more and more often.

Playing is how all children learn to express themselves.
Sitting quietly and respecting others is also an important life lesson that they will need to learn at some point if they are to maintain close healthy relationships with people outside their immediate family.

You can choose to let your children run wild and create havoc but you can’t be surprised when allowing this behaviour to carry on has direct repercussions for your children. Parenting your children properly means teaching your children to respect other people’s boundaries and wishes too.

The world won’t change to accommodate you and your children and you’re doing them a huge disservice by not helping them learn to adapt to social situations appropriately.

Not being invited to this naming ceremony is just the start of your children being excluded from social events. As they get older, they will be excluded from attending other children’s birthday parties too for the same reasons. You can make excuses and blame the other parents all you want but it won’t stop your children having hurt feelings and no friends. Don’t isolate your children this way.

Would you let them run around and make a noise during the service then if they want to?

eggsandwich

That’s not what CJsGoldfish meant at all so lay off with the SEN guiltrip.

There are plenty of threads just on MN alone where OPs complain about their DC not being invited to big events, mainly weddings. Her saying “you don’t get out much” simply means that. Or is it just me who sees that as obvious?

Gentle parenting is all about accepting natural consequences.... well, the natural consequence of not setting boundaries is not having your children invited to a party! It understand it must be hurtful though.... I can’t see why you’d go to this event, and I’d take this as an opportunity to re-evaluate how you parent, as this will continue for the rest of their childhoods and beyond.

I'd say parent how you like but you have to accept people might not like or want your children around because of it. In my opinion and experience parents who do not have any rules for the children are doing them a disservice. Both they, and their children, become increasingly unpopular as time goes on. I know someone whose child was out of control and consequently she was never invited anywhere. No one wanted to tell her why she was becoming a social pariah. There are rules for a reason - to enable a civilised society where people can get along, collaborate and live in harmony. Even animals "discipline" offspring with a nip or a bark to keep them in check. Honestly if this is real it's incredibly naive and self centred.

@haveyoutriedgoogle Totally nailed it 👌🏻
OP I urge you to read this post again and take heed for your children’s sake .

Replying in case this is not a wind up. It's their event and decision on the invite list. The kids aren't invited. Decide if you want to go or not and send a gentle reply that you can/can't make it. Deep down you know the reasons, so dont keep annoying them looking for reasons. Let them enjoy their special time with their new baby. There's many posts here about interfering Mil's and this is no different. Don't meddle and be happy for the couple and dont make it about your kids.

I had a friend who wouldn't let her child be ruled by adult conventions also. He was an absolute shit and she couldn't see it. Never told him off for anything. We couldn't go out together or have them at our house etc etc. This parenting isn't gentle so much as allowing your kids to be the centre of the universe. Life doesn't revolve round kids. It's a painful lesson they learn as adults if they have t got a clue when they're younger.

IMO your friend is sending you a message. Maybe listen.

Be prepared for this to be a regular occurrence OP.
Don’t be surprised if party invites from school dwindle to nothing.
We are all governed by rules to a certain extent and you’re not doing your children any favours ......
..... if indeed this is a genuine post.

I feel that my children have been excluded because we have different believes as mine are baptized I was quite sympathetic at this point

My kids are good with kind hearts but they can get up to mischief just like any other child. We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules You lost me here. I bet your children are a nightmare in public and you smile ineffectively as they run amok. IRL, people will be too polite to say this to you, but AIBU is a place for hard truths sometimes

Just wish them look, send a card and dont go. Tell them it's due to childcare. Having children themselves they will understand

My children know how to behave they are not going to be tearing around like wild animals and the SEN that one of my children has does not have any affect on her behaviour.

I'm not a bad mother but yes I think my method is the right way and that until someone proves otherwise I will believe the other ways are worse otherwise I would be using them.

I didn't come here for abuse and personal attacks on my parenting I just wanted to know if I was BU to think that our different beliefs was a good reason to exclude my children.

But it's your belief in not imposing adult rules that has resulted in them being excluded not your belief in baptism. Just be clear in your mind in that.

Gentle parenting is all about accepting natural consequences.... well, the natural consequence of not setting boundaries is not having your children invited to a party!

This is an extremely good point.....

It's not a naming ceremony with no children. It's a naming ceremony with no children who are allowed to behave badly and spoil other people’s events.

The problem is, you're not seeing that you need to parent your children. You're doing them a huge disservice as they will miss out on more things as they grow older. If one has SEN, you're just reinforcIng the negative stereotypes that other people are working hard to overcome. If they don't, and you're saying they do as an excuse for your non-parenting and their resultant behaviour, then shame on you.

If this is a wind-up or reverse then hopefully other people considering this nonsense will take notice, whilst you have a good laugh.

I have met a child whose mother was doing this. By the age of 10, she was trapped in the house with him all day, except when he was at school. She couldn’t take him anywhere because of his behaviour, couldn't leave him unattended because he would trash the house and no-one would babysit him. But it was still all everyone else's fault.

Oh god I've just read the whole thread. It prob is that they are worried about them being disruptive.
I went to a christening, a very small, very religious affair. A guest let her feral child scream and run everywhere. The child ran behind the pulpit and the vicar actually had to stop talking as her screaming was so loud. The mum waved a teddy at her from the pews and was pissing herself laughing. Genuinely thinking it was amusing and such fun. By the way she was looking at the rest of the guests it was like she was super proud. It was very uncomfortable. She didnt have an ounce of embarrassment infact she looked proud. I couldnt believe it. My son was a baby. He didnt cry but had a bit of a moment where I thought he might. So I took him outside. Showed him the flowers. He became less bored and we went back in. Quietly.
I'm all for kids having fun and being themselves but there is a time and a place.