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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Naming ceremony with no children

187 replies

Misunderstoodcheese · 28/02/2020 23:01

I have been invited to a friend's daughter's naming ceremony which is a beautiful family event or so one would think. I asked if my children are invited and and have been told in no uncertain terms that mine are not. My friend is lovely but she doesn't understand the time and effort that childcare would require. So as not to drip feed other children are being included in the event and I feel that my children have been excluded because we have different believes as mine are baptized.

OP posts:
Hotchocolate321 · 29/02/2020 10:22

I once went to a naming ceremony, 3 hours of my life I’ll never get back! Either baptise them or don’t bother. It was the most bizarre thing, “I hereby name you Bob” why just why?! A gender reveal and a baby shower just aren’t enough for some people, you need to celebrate their child’s existence at least 17 times before their 1st birthday as standard these days.

Don’t go and save yourself the hassle, problem solved.

NoveltyFunsy · 29/02/2020 10:25

I find people who 'gentle parent with no rules' are basically lazy, as they dont bother preparing their offspring for the real world, where there are rules whether we like it or not. We dont have to be harsh or cruel parents, but we should be thoughtful and aware of how our actions affect others

saraclara · 29/02/2020 10:27

I've just googled gentle parenting. Some of it sounds good, some of it terrible. But I suppose there are levels of it depending how much individual parents take from it.

strawberry2017 · 29/02/2020 10:31

Sounds like a good excuse to not go!
Naming ceremony's are dull and think of the money you will save by not going- no presents required.

Snaketime · 29/02/2020 10:42

As PP have said I think it is because they don't want you children to "Express themselves" at the event and upset the other children that are there. Also I have to ask as I have been racking my brain over this but what SEN is there that doesn't affect behaviour in some way?

Chouxalacreme · 29/02/2020 10:50

She only wants you there so you buy them a gift

It’s not religion , Sen or parenting style based decision .

HTH

Bigearringsbigsmile · 29/02/2020 10:55

@snaketime dyslexia?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 29/02/2020 11:00

they can get upto mischief just like any other child. We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules.

And there's your reason op.

Kirkman · 29/02/2020 11:06

Op parent how you want. It's your choice.

It's also people choice wether they want your children there, based on their behaviour.

You say they arent disruptive. If no why have they been singled out.

In my opinion, you are doing your kids no favours. People do want to be around them at event.

Eventually, your friends will drop you too. Yes you can parent how you want. But when that impacts others, they cab react how they want too.

codenameduchess · 29/02/2020 11:09

You had me until:
My kids are good with kind hearts but they can get upto mischief just like any other child. We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules. This may also be an issue. We do have very different beliefs.

Roughly translates to 'my kids are feral and I do nothing to stop them'

I'm not a bad mother but yes I think my method is the right way and that until someone proves otherwise I will believe the other ways are worse otherwise I would be using them.

Would them being excluded from events be enough of an indication for you?

Willowashen · 29/02/2020 11:09

....I just wanted to know if I was BU to think that our different beliefs was a good reason to exclude my children.

In the highly unlikely event they had that such a problem with your beliefs they wouldn’t your children, surely they wouldn’t have invited you! Your hypothesis makes no sense!

Imagine it: “I have a massive problem with my friend’s belief system, so even though the problem isn’t enough to mean we’re not friends, and I still want her to be at the naming ceremony, her beliefs mean I won’t invite her kids.” It literally makes no sense whatsoever!

Hannsmum · 29/02/2020 11:10

Its unpleasant of her. Just politely decline the event .I Would.

Its her day,yes but if shes not inviting children in general thats understandable.

KaptenKrusty · 29/02/2020 11:21

Wow such entitlement ! They invited you without kids / go or don’t! I doubt the friend is giving it as much thought as this and probably doesn’t even care if you go or not - there will be other people who actually want to be there!

This is the same as all those people crying over their kids not getting to come to weddings - get a babysitter and have a child free day or else don’t go that’s the only 2 options!

RestaurantoffBroadway · 29/02/2020 11:40

Break it down for us, @Misunderstoodcheese. You think your beliefs are why they have been excluded. What exactly are those beliefs- and what problem does your friend have with them?

Thisismytimetoshine · 29/02/2020 11:42

Oh honestly, op! Your preference for your children to express themselves naturally without the interference of adult rules will make them unwelcome pretty much anywhere, haven’t you realised that yet?
Gobsmacked that you didn’t even contemplate this being a reason why they weren’t wanted at your friend’s naming ceremony 😆

Witchend · 29/02/2020 11:44

We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules

Grin Is anyone really taking this seriously after this comment?
Reginabambina · 29/02/2020 11:49

Gentle parenting aside (as parent methods aren’t always as influential to behaviour as sone parents like to think) are your children capable of sitting through a ceremony? If not then she probably just didn’t want them interrupting the ceremony.

MintyMabel · 29/02/2020 11:50

I'm not a bad mother but yes I think my method is the right way and that until someone proves otherwise I will believe the other ways are worse otherwise I would be using them

What is being proven here is, other people find your children cannot socialise with others in a way that is acceptable in a group setting.

What more proof do you want that your way doesn’t work?

It’s not your beliefs, it is the disruptive behaviour of your children that is leading to them being excluded. If you don’t want your children to be excluded, teach them how to behave.

AlanRickmanFanClub · 29/02/2020 12:27

YABU, it's obvious that your children have not been invited because of their behaviour due to your parenting (or lack of it). I wouldn't have invited them either.

You're not doing them any favours and are setting them up to be unequipped to deal with life where people will have no problem telling them 'no'.

CallmeAngelina · 29/02/2020 12:41

"They will enjoy the event."

Er no, they "will" not, as they haven't been invited. Plus, it sounds as if it's their enjoyment of things could perhaps be at the detriment of others attending.
As a teacher, I can tell you that your description of them being "extra," is code for others thinking they're being disruptive and hard to cope with. I think the fact that you said you were "told in no uncertain terms" by your friend that your children weren't invited should have been the clue here. It sounds as if this might have been an opinion held by her for quite some time.

LolaSmiles · 29/02/2020 12:51

I just wanted to know if I was BU to think that our different beliefs was a good reason to exclude my children
They're not being excluded due to your beliefs.

Your friends have chosen not to invite your children due to your actions and the likely impact of your actions.

I'm sure they couldn't care less about their friends' religious beliefs or parenting philosophies or parenting technique choices, as long as their children are polite, well mannered, know how to behave and (crucially!) in the event of a child acting up or being disruptive, their parent steps in to parent their child.

Few people would have an issue, for example, with a young child being a little noisy, if the parent was doing something to try to settle or distract them. Most people would have an issue if a parent allowed a 9 year old to run around making a noise as they gazed on adoringly at their child expressing themselves.

maddiemookins16mum · 29/02/2020 13:10

DRIP...DRIP.....DRIP..... So basically your kids would ruin the event.

YABU.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 29/02/2020 13:33

I didn't come here for abuse and personal attacks on my parenting

Here we go again. It’s never just disagreement or criticism, is it? It’s ‘abuse’; a personal attack’. Why do you think you get to dictate what responses you get?

Your friend has invited the people she wants there. That doesn’t appear to include your children. You are equally free to turn down the invitation.

Oooof Mumsnet at its finest here.

All the cliches are getting an airing today!

Nowayorhighway · 29/02/2020 13:35

I wouldn’t go purely because a naming ceremony is pointless and sounds tedious as shit.

Thisismytimetoshine · 29/02/2020 13:38

It’s pretty breathtaking that you blithely announce “they will enjoy the event”, knowing full well that your permissive parenting style will very likely ruin it for everyone else!
It’s not your event to ruin.