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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Naming ceremony with no children

187 replies

Misunderstoodcheese · 28/02/2020 23:01

I have been invited to a friend's daughter's naming ceremony which is a beautiful family event or so one would think. I asked if my children are invited and and have been told in no uncertain terms that mine are not. My friend is lovely but she doesn't understand the time and effort that childcare would require. So as not to drip feed other children are being included in the event and I feel that my children have been excluded because we have different believes as mine are baptized.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 29/02/2020 08:09

I think I’d decline the invite

LolaSmiles · 29/02/2020 08:11

We gentle parent but isn't that the way children should be brought up?
Few people would say they would harm or harsh parent 😃

The issue is for every person who takes a gentler approach to discipline, natural consequences etc, there's someone else who thinks gentle parenting is a useful label to appropriate for their permissive parenting, lack of boundaries, prioritising their children "expressing themselves" over manners and consideration because rules are mean and will crush the special darlings' spirits.
It sounds like you're the latter,in which case it's hardly surprising other people may not want to be around your family at big events.

NerrSnerr · 29/02/2020 08:14

This is a wind up or a reverse. No one lacks that much self awareness.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/02/2020 08:17

We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules.

🤣 I would probably not invite your kids either.

Crazycrazylady · 29/02/2020 08:18

Just in case this isn't a wind up
Your friend does t want your kids at her Ceremony because she thinks they will ruin it for everyone as you won't correct them for bad behaviour.
You are going to come across this again so I'd get used to it.
Surely you can expect this when you 'don't apply adult rules' to your kids however.

beckywiththeshithair37 · 29/02/2020 08:18

Just don't go. It's a snub at your children. Why would you go celebrate her child when she is deliberately excluding yours?

Tbh someone singling my dc out like this would make me question the friendship in general. My dc are everything to me and someone who treated them like this would seriously piss me off. I'm all for child free occasions but to include some kids and not yours (especially if it turns out to be because of the SEN issues) is incredibly shitty.

Didshereally · 29/02/2020 08:19

We gentle parent but isn't that the way children should be brought up?
Good parents don't let their children run riot around other people's events.
Spin 'gentle parenting' how you want but "having no rules & letting them be disruptive' isn't gentle nor good parenting.

They will enjoy the experience and the event.
So what? It's not a playground, it's you friends baby's christening. It's not about you. It's a precious event for the other family.

Sounds like a few of your group think you've out of control children, not SEN children but ones you won't guide and support (ie parent) to be appropriate during events.
If that's the case, your surprise at your children not being invited is naive as it'll be the first of many,

Thehop · 29/02/2020 08:19

I’d agree with PP who said to get ready for lots more of this as nobody will want undisciplined completely “extra” children ruining their events.

I’m a gentle parent and an attachment parent. I co sleep, natural term breastfeed and am joked about being a hippy by my friends BUT my children absolutely are respectful, disciplined and well behaved.

Aspoonfullofjam · 29/02/2020 08:21

I can’t stand misbehaving children who run around and ruin other people’s experiences (ie in a restaurant) while their parents smile benignly at their little darlings. It’s bad parenting. I also wouldn’t want your children ‘expressing themselves’ at a special event for my family.

BlueJava · 29/02/2020 08:23

If this happened to me I wouldn't tell my kids at all OP - I just wouldn't go. "Oh, couldn't get a baby sitter, have a lovely time!" then distance yourself whether they are family or not.

OchAyeThaNoo · 29/02/2020 08:24

I'd also say wind up except I do know people like that. Gentle parenting my arse! Parenting is raising children well, not just keeping them alive and raising arseholes.
It's actually pretty entertaining watching the self described "gentle parent" I know try to pick their kid up from school and they're saying, "Bobby? Oh Bobby dear, would you like to come to the car now?" And the kid shaking his head and just wandering off playing on the grass instead. She can be stood there looking awkward AF with a fake smile on her face for a good half hour and he gives zero fucks. Cracks me right up. Funny to watch but I wouldn't want that kind of entertainment at an event I was holding.

TARSCOUT · 29/02/2020 08:24

Shame on you for using SEN as a reason for this. You should be ashamed.of yourself. You have unruly kids made so by your lack.of parenting. You aren't doing them.any favours for them in life.

Isleepinahedgefund · 29/02/2020 08:24

Well hopefully she's bringing her own child 🙄

Beautiful3 · 29/02/2020 08:26

You're not missing anything. Last time I went to a naming ceremony it felt utterly pointless. We all aleady knew the child's name, so to have it announced to us all was a bit werid.

OtherVoicesOtherRooms · 29/02/2020 08:27

My kids are good with kind hearts but they can get upto mischief just like any other child. We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules. This may also be an issue. We do have very different beliefs.

There is your answer.
She may well feel that your 'gentle' parenting style isn't enough to keep your mischievous DC from ruining the formal ceremony for everyone.
Unfortunately for you, formal events require adult 'interference' when children get up to 'mischief'.

FFS

InsideOfEmptiness · 29/02/2020 08:29

They will enjoy the experience and the event.

Well yes, I'm sure that they would, but it's not about your children, is it? Not every event exists for the enjoyment of your 'little extra' children (might you elaborate as to how that actually manifests, it would be helpful in replying to you).

We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules. Alas, if this is the parenting approach that you take, you might have to, rightly or wrongly, get used to your children not being invited to events. Sorry, but there it is.

5zeds · 29/02/2020 08:29

Ask her, why?
Say “that sounds so lovely but we won’t be able to make it”

Mi have a large family, some with additional needs. What on Earth has it got to do with how gently you parent?Confused. Are your children particularly disruptive?

onalongsabbatical · 29/02/2020 08:29

We gentle parent but isn't that the way children should be brought up? You mean you think you're right and all other parenting decisions are wrong? Is this a gentle attitude to take to other human beings?

diddl · 29/02/2020 08:29

If you've been invited & want to go, leave the kids with their dad.

If you don't want to go-don't!

AxisOfDick · 29/02/2020 08:33

Oh well the impression I get is that your children are badly controlled and they don’t want the day ruined.

eggsandwich · 29/02/2020 08:35

CJsGoldfish

you don’t get out much do you

That remark was really nasty, as you obviously don’t have a child with sen you couldn’t possibly know how isolating it can be and something as simple as a naming ceremony would of meant a lot to have been invited as a family and not yet again feel excluded especially when other friends children are included.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 29/02/2020 08:37

No your view of parenting is not necessarily the way all parenting should be done. It's fine if that is your belief and you parent that way, whether I agree with it is irrelevant but as with all choices you take the consequences.

If your gentle parenting and not applying adult rules means misbehaviour then you will find your DC don't get invited places.

Its incredibly naive to assume this is the way it should be done. Personally I believe boundaries are a caring act. It would be so much easier for me if I didn't restrict my DC and allow them to Express themselves without adult intervention (because then I could sit back and do nothing ) but for my DC ds1 naturally wants to speak non stop without a breath , interrupt every adult (absolutely would do so during a ceremony if allowed to) and ds2 naturally wants to run around being a train.

However by teaching them how to behave appropriately in public I'm laying the foundations of succeeding socially as an adult ( and partially stopping them being exercised by a passing priest because left to their own devices they definitely look like they are possessed).

You make your choice as a parent I make mine but accept that there is a consequence to your decision to be a hands off parent

Shinyletsbebadguys · 29/02/2020 08:38

Also my ds1 is SEN personally I believe boundaries ar emore important for him as they make him feel safe

ManonBlackbeak · 29/02/2020 08:38

It sounds like your kids are bloody naughty OP, and that’s why they are not invited. Naughty kids and parents who can’t be bothered to control them ruin events like this.

Ginfordinner · 29/02/2020 08:45

We are gentle parents and really do try to let our little ones express themselves naturally and without the interference of adult rules. This may also be an issue.

That will be the exact reason. Most people will judge your parenting and think that you don’t do enough to put boundaries in place when your children behave badly. I had a friend like you, and got fed up when she wouldn’t stop her children jumping up and down on my furniture. I stopped inviting her round.

This isn’t about SEN or religious beliefs, but all about your parenting (or lack thereof)

Yep.

We gentle parent

No, you don’t parent. Children need boundaries. Are they at school yet? Are you so lacking in social awareness that you don’t realise that your parenting style will piss off a lot of people? Do you allow your children to “express themselves” at occasions or events when they need to be still and quiet?

I think this is a wind up as well, and why did I bite?