To be upset dh prefers nanny to me at home?

[Bedroomdilemma]

And DS1 might do too? Currently on maternity leave with third. When he came home from school drop today (he works irregular hours and if he’s starting late I might ask him to do drop to save the baby a trip out in the cold and wet). I happened to mention a little part of me wouldn’t mind getting back to work (winter with 3 kids, a pick up that involves hanging around for 50 mins with baby, and 2 constantly fighting older children) and he said he was looking forward to that too. He spends a fair enough of time back in the house and it seems he would rather a nanny there than me. AIBU to be upset at this?

I think you are overhtinking this. You need to ask him what would be good for him

I think you’ve jumped to conclusions from a perfectly innocent remark. You need to have a conversation around what he actually meant (I.e maybe he meant financially it’s good, you’re happier, etc) rather than assume something that he never actually said.

Maybe he just sees that you are happier when your are working, and he wants that for you?

It's a fairly illogical conclusion, but one thing to think about is that if you have a nanny and he's in and out at home that's not going to work especially well - if the kids know he's there during daytime nanny hours they'll want him. He'll be much more disturbed and nanny possibly won't like it too much either. It's probably fair for you to say that nanny is fine, but the shape of things would have to change - she'd need a clear field especially in the early couple of months and he'd need to not be popping back and fro and stick more to a 9-5 routine.

You said you’d be happier at work and he agreed? Poor bloke can’t win I’m sure you’d be furious if he asked you stay home too.

Poor guy. I wonder what life is like for him at home if you jump on things like this regularly.

No, he’s made a comment before (when our newborn was a few weeks old) that it was better when X (previous nanny) was there. I guess it was calmer and he never felt he had to do the school run? Also he thinks I’m messy (I used to be v messy but think I’m a lot better now) and sometimes when he comes home the place is not spotless. We moved onto an argument about how much housework a nanny should do, I would want them to concentrate on the kids, I think he would be happy if the kids were on the tv all the time as long as the house was spotless. The last nanny was always on her screen when i came home unexpectedly, but she would iron his shirts (I don’t iron his shirts).

Do you already have a nanny? Why assume that your son and husband would prefer her over you?

Though tbh I’m not sure I’m doing a great job with the kids either, they’re on the tv too much. Although maybe I have an excuse with the clingy, bf, baby or maybe I don’t.

Isn't he just being supportive of what you said you'd like?

He’s remembering a time through rose tinted glasses: you and him both being at work and a nanny keeping the house chugging along.

That’s ok though OP, don’t stress about it.

FFS, if your DH wants a spotless house when it contains three children including a new baby, he should just roll up his sleeves and get down to the housework.

Honeyned, we did have a nanny, she left just before I went on maternity leave. It doesn’t help that for the month before she left, she had between 9 and 1 free every day, so he’s comparing how tidy someone can keep a house with 2 preschool and school aged kids, to someone with a newborn, and 2 kids (who are now also playing up for attention)

So he has to do a bit less work when the nanny is there (eg school runs?). I'm with him, I would prefer for someone else to be there doing the school runs.

I thought this was going to be a "my husband says the nanny is much sexier/prettier/funnier than me" thread. Seems like your husband has just said your lives seem easier when you both work than when you're a SAHM. Doesn't seem particularly sinister.

So what he actually wants is a cleaner. Can you both afford one?

Could he pay for a cleaner if a spotless home is so important to him?

Yeah, oak, definitely less work.
He would have a lot of free time during the day and I guess he feels less guilty going for a run or having a coffee and leaving a nanny at home v me with a newborn who never gets a break.

Yes, we have a cleaner!

It sounds more like a supportive response than a critical one to me.

What was the ‘right’ response? ‘Oh no, I wish you would stay at home and not return to work’? Even though that’s not what you just said you wanted?

Blimey op you’ve twisted his remark a hell of a lot to end up thinking he prefers the nanny....

I dont know many couples that want to be under each other’s feet, they want normal service resumed

I get what your saying Op - he liked when he had an employee looking after the kids, cleaning, doing school, run etc and he didn’t have to chip in. He’d rather you go back to work and pay someone else to do all that stuff your not finding time to do (understandable with a bf baby). When really he should be helping out where he can.
Dh used to work from home and it used to annoy me when he wouldn’t do the school run (which was a 5 minute walk away) on the premise he was “working” - a lot of his time was spent surfing the internet on non work related stuff. He eventually went back to the office as, I believe, he couldn’t be arsed chipping in with childcare/housework (much like your dh).
They see it as “wifework” - and yes it’s really annoying and upsetting. I now realise though that being together in the house all day just doesn’t work for us.

But it’s still not enough. When my mum was here to help just after the baby was born, she spent all day helping, doing laundry etc and he came home and spent the first 30 mins rushing around tidying, scrubbing at some barely noticeable spot, brushing the floor (it, stupidly, is a white floor, and he would be brushing and rubbing at it multiple times a day). This is what he always does, and I think it made her feel a bit shit, makes me feel a bit shit after looking after 3 kids all day, and will make any nanny more into kids than constantly cleaning feel shit. Looking after 3 kids is hard work!