To be upset dh prefers nanny to me at home?

[Bedroomdilemma]

And DS1 might do too? Currently on maternity leave with third. When he came home from school drop today (he works irregular hours and if he’s starting late I might ask him to do drop to save the baby a trip out in the cold and wet). I happened to mention a little part of me wouldn’t mind getting back to work (winter with 3 kids, a pick up that involves hanging around for 50 mins with baby, and 2 constantly fighting older children) and he said he was looking forward to that too. He spends a fair enough of time back in the house and it seems he would rather a nanny there than me. AIBU to be upset at this?

Performing in the home ? Stormycloud wtf are you on?

Stormycloud wtf are you on?

The heady scent of lemon pledge, zoflora and a snort of shake'n'vac I imagine Sunshine.

I was a nanny for 20yrs now maternity practitioner to newborns

Most nannies do not do cleaning. Yes we look after children’s bedrooms and keep living spaces clean and tidy

But we don’t clean the house

You have a cleaner. Maybe you her hours

Dh prob just means that when the nanny was there life was simple and organised as that’s the nanny’s job - take to pre school - entertain kids - to cook their meals etc

Plus She only had 2 older ones. You have a 4mth old ebf so that takes a lot of your time

If you are planning to go back to work you need to think about expressing and baby used to bottle or unfair to them and nanny when you go back to work If only used to boob

Tho obv If you are having a year off baby will be weaned and can cope with just morn and night feeds

Plus the odd bottle given by dh will give you a break - you can leave all 3 with him and have a few hours coffee and book time

@StormyClouds
WTAF?
Send her to work?

YANBU to be upset: your husband sounds unsupportive and feels it’s everyone else’s job to look after his children.

Something that has really helped me recently is to consciously remember that I don’t need my husband’s permission to rest and I don’t need to clean the house to suit him. I delegate a lot more to him if he doesn’t do stuff voluntarily when it needs doing (annoying, but better than doing it myself and simmering with resentment).

I do think you’re right that he’s finding the shift to 3 kids hard, because he has to do more, whereas you did practically everything before. I’ve seen this with men when they have their second child. It really highlights their expectations and how much they left their partner to do previously.

We have 4 children and our house is always messy. It’s life with kids- completely normal. He can arrange more professional cleaning if he doesn’t want to step up or put up with it.

You are doing great. Try to acknowledge how much you do and put value on what you do. Don’t put yourself down, doing yourself or waste your headspace wondering whether your husband approves: you are a good mum and you have a lot to cope with a newborn and 2 other children!

*doing yourself = doubt yourself

@StormyClouds

You’re on a wind up right?

If not the dinosaurs are missing their handmaiden

Thank you for all your supportive messages. I know I have got it nowhere near as tough as some - we have a weekly cleaner for a start, and Intend to have a nanny (although with 2 it’s a luxury, with 3 it’s probably the same as other options - we’re not in the UK and childcare costs don’t go down much on starting school). And my dh is around a lot during the day, and does a fair amount of tidying. Nor he is particularly controlling, and my family certainly don’t think we should divorce! He does have a self confessed tendency to be critical (yes, apparently our cleaner is crap too) , and it would be nice if he liked me being around during the day rather than at work. I am worried, as a pp mentioned, that the only nanny who would be happy to stay given he will be around during the day a lot more than me, is one who is happy to park the kids in front of the TV all day in order to keep the house from being messy.

there isnt too much wrong with parking the kids in front of the tv either op.it seems to have become thisdevil thing.
we were in front of the tv whenever we could and werent doing other things.and many my age group were.never did us any harm.i think it was about balance because we always did do other stuff too.it was one or the other and it wasnt done so parents could keep us out the way(all the time!) we just loved the tv.
we are still a tv family.and its where we often gather.and its lovely.
youe got to stop beating yourself up.and youve got to allow what you can do to be enough.
if the tv time isnt made a big deal of it can just become part of the background that you can still function when on.instead of being glued to it becasue its never allowed.
other screens yes i think you need to be wary of.

Is he South African by any chance?!

Anyone who thinks they can guarantee three happy children at any point, is deluded and hasn't spent enough time with their own DCs. I'd let him look after the three DCs and tidy the house every weekend.