Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset dh prefers nanny to me at home?

111 replies

Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 09:56

And DS1 might do too? Currently on maternity leave with third. When he came home from school drop today (he works irregular hours and if he’s starting late I might ask him to do drop to save the baby a trip out in the cold and wet). I happened to mention a little part of me wouldn’t mind getting back to work (winter with 3 kids, a pick up that involves hanging around for 50 mins with baby, and 2 constantly fighting older children) and he said he was looking forward to that too. He spends a fair enough of time back in the house and it seems he would rather a nanny there than me. AIBU to be upset at this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 11:05

Oh, and to those who ask, he has only looked after all 3 alone for 3 separate hours since the baby was born 4 months ago, but was saying this morning that he could look after the 3 kids all day and he could guarantee they would all be happy and the house spotless by the end of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 11:06

This is despite him moaning about how hard 3 kids are everytime we try to get out the door with them at the weekend (with the 2 of us there).

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 11:07

Sorry this is all a bit of a rant but it’s helping to get all my thoughts out and I guess try to mend bridges later today!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 11:10

Although here I am holding a sleeping baby and mumsnetting rather than working on her sleeping by herself in a routine and getting housework done, so I guess I am critical of myself too

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 28/02/2020 11:11

I'd get a terrible migraine this weekend and leave him to it for 2 days. A bit of a reality check might be appropriate for him and the rest would probably do you good so a win win.

1forsorrow · 28/02/2020 11:13

My granny used to tell my mother off for doing housework when we were babies, she would say, "The floors will still be there when the wains are reared." Wise woman my granny. Hold your baby, enjoy this time, it is good for both of you. Don't be critical of yourself.

Original poster
Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 11:14

Baby doesn’t take a bottle so no can do unfortunately...

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 28/02/2020 11:15

but was saying this morning that he could look after the 3 kids all day and he could guarantee they would all be happy and the house spotless by the end of it Give him the challenge since he think's he is a God. Yanbu he is living in fantasyland.
I find it difficult to get out with 2DC and no small baby. Now I see why you took his comment to heart about the Nanny.
Really please leave him for the day, he'll keep the house clean just to say I told you so, he'll learn a valuable lesson. His under mining would annoy me. Let him walk the walk.

Bringringbring12 · 28/02/2020 11:16

When my mum was here to help just after the baby was born, she spent all day helping, doing laundry etc and he came home and spent the first 30 mins rushing around tidying, scrubbing at some barely noticeable spot, brushing the floor (it, stupidly, is a white floor, and he would be brushing and rubbing at it multiple times a day). This is what he always does, and I think it made her feel a bit shit, makes me feel a bit shit after looking after 3 kids all day, and will make any nanny more into kids than constantly cleaning feel shit. Looking after 3 kids is hard work!

Op he is blamed for making you, his mother and any future nanny feel shit for doing a bit of cleaning. In this scenario - he’s not saying anything to you, he’s just doing a bit of cleaning.
But this makes you feel shit.
It is unfair of you in this scenario to blame him when really the problem is not him but how you are feeling about yourself that someone doing a bit of cleaning makes you feel shit

Original poster
Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 11:17

1forsorrow, god you know, one of my favourite things in my whole life is holding my sleeping babies and soon it will be no more. You’re right to enjoy it...but it’s hard when you feel there’s so much to be done!

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 28/02/2020 11:17

Get the baby use to a bottle please as soon as you do, take a day off.

Seaweed42 · 28/02/2020 11:18

You enjoy yourself on Mumsnet, feck the housework - honestly!
Your husband sounds like a self righteous prick. However, the truth is you have allowed a situation to develop where you have not left him alone with the kids for more than 3hrs in the past 4 months.
This means you have given yourself very little freedom or time just for you and the things you enjoy. You need to move over and give him room to come into that space of minding the kids and being a hands on Dad when you are not there.
I know it's a bad time of year, but can you find something to get yourself out of the house more in the coming weeks? Like go on an all day shopping trip on Sat or Sun? Or a one-day course in something nice like meditation or yoga.
An nice evening class or just go to the cinema on your own at 6pm one evening a week so he has to do the bedtimes etc.
At the minute he literally doesn't know what it feels like, so he needs the actual experience of it.

NomDeDieu · 28/02/2020 11:19

Oh, and to those who ask, he has only looked after all 3 alone for 3 separate hours since the baby was born 4 months ago, but was saying this morning that he could look after the 3 kids all day and he could guarantee they would all be happy and the house spotless by the end of it.

Excellent! I would organise for you to be away for the weekend, several times close together and let him deal with it on his own. If he isnt a dick, he will learn very quickly that this isntbas easy as he makes it out to be.
Ive done that with DH btw so was very critical of me 'not keeping the house spotless' with 2 under 2 (Same than you, coming back from work and starting tidying up and cleaning before he even said Hello to me). A few weekends on his own was enough to make him realise how hard it is. Esp if he also has to do the ironing of his shirts, the food shop, ensure dcs have done their homework (is there a project for them to do for school by any chance?) etc etc

NomDeDieu · 28/02/2020 11:21

It is unfair of you in this scenario to blame him when really the problem is not him but how you are feeling about yourself that someone doing a bit of cleaning makes you feel shit

I dont garee @Bringringbring12. I think the DH is making his displeaure known in a very PA way, the important word here being AGGRESSIVE.

Allfednonedead · 28/02/2020 11:21

He could look after all three and have tg house spotless? Brilliant!
That means you can book something nice for yourself for the next weekend day he's home and leave him to it!
Normally I wouldn't suggest something so clichéd, but he's already practically volunteered!

Allfednonedead · 28/02/2020 11:23

Bother, just saw about the little bottle refuser.
You'll just have to talk to him like grownups then! That's no fun.

ineedaholidaynow · 28/02/2020 11:24

That old chestnut that he could do so much better than you looking after the kids and do all the housework, but never offers to do it. He seems to begrudge just doing the school run.

I was SAHM so usually did the school run, but DH would always offer to do it on the odd day he was able to, which DS used to love.

WinterCat · 28/02/2020 11:27

I have a school age child, a preschooler, and a baby and my take on it would be that he wants things to feel as organised and manageable as they were before.

AmelieTaylor · 28/02/2020 11:28

but was saying this morning that he could look after the 3 kids all day and he could guarantee they would all be happy and the house spotless by the end of it

Perfect. Go to your mums (sisters/friends) for the weekend & let him crack on with it. If you’re BF, express & leave milk. Hopefully she’ll take a bottle off DH. (If not pop home to feed in the day a couple of times & take her late evening overnight or something)

Jerk.

Pre that comment I was all for having a discussion as he seems to have missed you have another child now FFS

If he thinks the new nanny will get as much done domestically as the old nanny he’s deluded.

Still, at least he’s not saying he prefers THE nanny, just having A nanny - to make like easier, not because he fancies the old nanny.

IceColdCat · 28/02/2020 11:31

I voted YABU from reading your OP but have just changed it to YANBU after reading your later posts.

He sounds like an idiot. You are right to put your lovely DC before the housework OP.

IceColdCat · 28/02/2020 11:33

OP, read this and keep cuddling your babe:

www.lullaby-link.com/song-for-a-fifth-child.html

Bringringbring12 · 28/02/2020 11:37

@NomDeDieu

He comes home from work and does thirty mins cleaning. How is that passive aggressive? Isn’t it what loads of people do? I do! Not ring passive aggressive. Cleaning so that I can then relax a bit later on

LochJessMonster · 28/02/2020 11:39

You got all this from one comment where he actually agreed with you? Poor guy can't win!

Bringringbring12 · 28/02/2020 11:40

Why do you think your ds will prefer a nanny?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/02/2020 11:41

but was saying this morning that he could look after the 3 kids all day and he could guarantee they would all be happy and the house spotless by the end of it

These are the words of a renowned bollock. I'm sure he could for one day - anyone with a brain more advanced than a panda could survive one day frantically buzzing about with wet wipes, hoovering the DC after every meal. What about the day after, and the day after, and so on? What about the months on maternity leave juggling everything, could he do that? Could he arse.

Tell him to roll up his sleeves and get stuck in if a spotless house is his priority each day. Tell him to step up and help if he thinks he can offer so much more. I hate these threads where women are essentially told by men "I'd do your job so much better than you" but the men actually don't do a great deal to help other than going to sit in a lovely warm office with no little people flushing mad stuff down the loo and nobody expecting to be fed every hour on the hour from the man's teat. It's such patriarchal nonsense - you don't get men coming on here saying "my wife thinks the house should be spotless while I'm on paternity leave" because it's still expected to be 'wife work' despite the fact we're not still in 1928.

Swipe left for the next trending thread