To be upset dh prefers nanny to me at home?

[Bedroomdilemma]

And DS1 might do too? Currently on maternity leave with third. When he came home from school drop today (he works irregular hours and if he’s starting late I might ask him to do drop to save the baby a trip out in the cold and wet). I happened to mention a little part of me wouldn’t mind getting back to work (winter with 3 kids, a pick up that involves hanging around for 50 mins with baby, and 2 constantly fighting older children) and he said he was looking forward to that too. He spends a fair enough of time back in the house and it seems he would rather a nanny there than me. AIBU to be upset at this?

@LochJessMonster have you read the thread? It’s not just the one comment.

@IceColdCat starting reading, thought the OP was crazy but learnt that comments like that get deleted. All her subsequent hysteria is from that one comment which in no way suggests he, and her son, prefers the nanny at home.

I do agree that there are too many people involved int he marriage, having parents and siblings suggest you should divorce is not going to help.

Is it possible you have a touch of PND? Those were the kind of conclusions I jumped to when I had it.

I don't think nannies are there to do housework, just tidy up after the kids and take care of them.
You'll be needing a cleaner for that.
You need to talk about a solution to work for you all, that will entail putting the children before your jobs for their benefit.
3 kids are hard work for just one of you, and it can be hard to find a balance that means you have family time.

I'd be ill this weekend and stay in bed. He can bring the baby to you at feeding time.
He needs a reality check.

1forsorrow, god you know, one of my favourite things in my whole life is holding my sleeping babies and soon it will be no more. You’re right to enjoy it... but it’s hard when you feel there’s so much to be done

It is easy to lose perspective with it all, I know I have 4 all grown up now. Sometimes it is so much easier to see it clearly when it is in the distance. Do I ever sit here and worry about my house being untidy 30 years ago. Absolutely never crosses my mind. Do I look at baby photos or talk about babies and remember cuddling my babies or playing with my toddlers. You bet I do.

When my kids are panicking about something or agonising about buying something that is expensive I always say, "In 10, 20 30 years will this matter?" Most things really won't matter next month never mind in ten years. You are on maternity leave not cleaning leave. Enjoy your baby, if he who must clean comes home and starts cleaning give him a big smile and say, "Thank you, you are so helpful." and go blissfully on.

Give the baby a cuddle for me, I'm longing for my next GC as I need a fix of baby cuddles.

@Bringringbring12 It is not the 30 minutes cleaning causing the issue, he think's he is better than OP. He is critical smart saying he could do it all no problem, completely undermines his wife's efforts.

Well OP, I've always been super organised, with good babies and I found the difference from two to three, exhausting.

Any dick can do it for one day, but day in, day out, exhausting.

Let him clean, let him get on with it.

You HAVE to leave the children with him on a regular basis otherwise it's so hard for him to understand....particularly if hes a dick prone to stupid remarks.

Save your annoyance for taking the baby to your mother's for the day tomorrow.

Two child and a house should be simple for him.

Get him to step up and do more.

He sounds like a dick. No breastfeeding woman needs his passive aggression towards them.

BF is so difficult when you see all that has to be done around a house. I found it stressful.

School runs and hanging around on top of it all sound very hard.

Mind yourself 👍

I suppose it depends how you look at it, I thought breastfeeding was great for being able to sit and relax, cuddle baby and have the perfect reason (not excuse) for not being able to clean the floor.

Ruby Wax used to do a great thing about folding nappies, not really relevant now but in the days when you would have a pile of square terry nappies she suggested you sit by the fire folding them, depending on your babies sex/size/your preference there were different folds you could do. So you sit there folding them into relevant shape ready for use. Great justification for sitting by the fire not doing other stuff.

Ultimately babies and mothers mental and physical health are far more important than a clean floor.

I had two of my own, then took on another little one as a childminder - and found that the leap from 2 to 3 was much bigger (when she was there!) than the leap from 1 to 2.

Nice if you do get the chance to have a nanny and a cleaner, but who wouldn't prefer a slightly messy house and a helpful, tactful, understanding dh?

Op is breastfeeding so can't bog off on a spa break plus like my DH, Op's DH would probably let the kids watch too Tv all day, so they'd be happy whilst he dusted, but that's not necessary the best parenting although we all do it at times.

And the coming home and cleaning is aggression it's saying you haven't done a good enough job and yes it is upsetting. My DH has down this at times, he cleans relatively clean stuff to make a point. Like a few crumbs on the worktop, he doesn't come in and get stuck into cleaning the bathroom, that would be great.

Dh has been in and out a few times today and we are no longer fighting. He isn’t such a bad sort and he does do more around the house than many (he is in the house more than many too of course). We haven’t really talked again about his ludicrous assertion about the spotless house and the 3 children though! Still think he’ll be happy when I go back to work - and this is in circumstances where he’s financially benefiting from me being at home as I get fully paid ML for a few months so he’s saving half the childcare bills. God knows what he would be like if he was being negatively financially impacted! I have decided I am not going to take it personally!

Bedroomdilemma
Oh, and to those who ask, he has only looked after all 3 alone for 3 separate hours since the baby was born 4 months ago, but was saying this morning that he could look after the 3 kids all day and he could guarantee they would all be happy and the house spotless by the end of it.

Great - tell him you're going out for the day next Saturday, it's all his. Silly man. On the other hand if he's not happy with the house, at least he does it himself and doesn't suggest you should do it all.

In fairness, I’m not sure he’s suggesting I do it all. I think he’s quietly looking forward to me going back to work in the hope that a house proud nanny will do it all! And so he can enjoy going for coffee, a run, just faffing around on the days when he only has an hours work - without feeling obliged to hang out with the tired, frazzled wife and noisy children. I guess I can kind of understand the latter!

So do I

Nothing wrong with him wanting a bit of that OP, at all......as long as he doesn't make his breastfeeding wife of a small baby feel shit because he isn't quite living his dream life....

You mind yourself OP👍

How are you performing in the home? I only ask because nannies are obviously professional carers and they have lots of experience at ensuring both the DC and the home are well taken care of.

If your DH is coming home from work to a messy house with DC hungry and dinner not on the table and homework not completed etc, I can see why he isn't satisfied with the current arrangement.

I always believe that the role of a SAHP is not simply to look after the DC, but generally to make the life of the working parent easier, including catering and cleaning duties etc.

If the role is not being performed to a high enough standard, your DH is naturally going to wonder whether there might well not be more value for money in taking on a nanny, and sending you back to work full time.

I think it’s more important what you would prefer ..

I didn't know nannies did that much in the way of housework, only clearing up after kids, their food, etc but not hoovering your hall and bedrooms, cleaning kitchen and bathroom floors and all that. It sounds as though you need a nanny-housekeeper or a nanny and a cleaner.

You'll feel better when back at work too.

At the moment, with a young baby, you can't be expected to be too organised around the house.

I should think it is better with a nanny; isn't that what you're paying for?
I don't blame you for disliking being at home with small children - but what induced you to have a third? Two's company - but three seems overkill unless you're the earth mother type.

@Bedroomdilemma

Bedroomdilemma Fri 28-Feb-20 10:32:39
But it’s still not enough. When my mum was here to help just after the baby was born, she spent all day helping, doing laundry etc and he came home and spent the first 30 mins rushing around tidying, scrubbing at some barely noticeable spot, brushing the floor (it, stupidly, is a white floor, and he would be brushing and rubbing at it multiple times a day). This is what he always does, and I think it made her feel a bit shit, makes me feel a bit shit after looking after 3 kids all day, and will make any nanny more into kids than constantly cleaning feel shit. Looking after 3 kids is hard work!

Bedroomdilemma Fri 28-Feb-20 10:34:30
I guess it just all feels so critical. Like I’m doing a really bad job.

Holy crap, are you married to my exH? He even made my mum feel uncomfortable..

I went for years feeling I wasn't shaping up, felt so criticised. He openly criticised me as well as ostentatiously doing housework really fast and with such a frustrated and angry air, creating such an unpleasant atmosphere that nobody would ever dream of approaching him to help with the potty or get them a drink of water or read them a story or the hundred-and-one other things the DCs used to interrupt me for while I tried to get something done around the house.

If I left him to it with the DCs just to give him a taste of what I was facing I would return to find the DCs all sitting silently on the couch, eyes on the TV, nobody talking, all clearly stressed. This isn't the answer to your problem. Don't let him do this to your children.

It's abusive. It is all so critical, and it will destroy you and kill your relationship. It is a power play, pure and simple.

Eventually you will find yourself pressuring the DCs to keep their play area confined to a limited part of the house and even then, neater than children need to keep their area. You will find your children saying things like, 'It's nearly 6 and dad will be home soon, we'd better clean this up.' You will find your nannies will realise which way the wind is blowing and park your children in front of the TV while they concentrate on housework.

(Note, it's perfectly ok for a nanny to do some housework - it's not good for children to have the constant attention of an adult because they need to learn to amuse themselves happily and safely for short periods of time, and to learn to wait until an adult is ready - it's not good for children to have someone jump when they call, waiting is very important.)

You need to find the time and preferably a mediator/counselor too so that the two of you can discuss his ludicrous assertion about the spotless house and the 3 children. Because it is ludicrous, and he is following it up with his passive aggressive, ostentatious focus on what is wrong in his eyes when he comes home. Before you go to any counseling, please read up on emotional and psychological abuse.
The book 'Why Does he do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men', by Lundy Bancroft will give you an insight into the habits of mind that lie behind your H's attitude and behaviour.

He needs to stop trying to assert authority over you.

Perhaps he would welcome not being the main/only earner, liked your at-work personality better or simply thinks that having the kids at regular nursery hours/after school clubs would give him more freedom to use his free time better.

Agree with pps that he is saying it was a bit easier when a nanny looked after the house and kids. I think that's fair to say, as he does chip in, he would just prefer not to work too hard - and realistically isn't that all of us?

You taking him cleaning as criticism is something you have to work on within yourself. Unless it's accompanied by sighs or rude comments, just take it for what it is - he is cleaning his own house the way he likes to do it.

Also, it's lovely to have a new baby, but then its also nice in a way when "normal service resumes" in the household and everyone isn't so tied to the house. This is also what you were saying, so I don't see what's wrong with him agreeing.

I just want to give you a massive hug.

You are not doing a bad job at all, in fact, it sounds like you are doing amazingly.

Please stop thinking this is about you. This is his problem.

As a Nanny I would be not be doing the housework! A Nanny us there to look after the children. Yes, children related chores, but not general housework. You DH needs to get his head around that.