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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset dh prefers nanny to me at home?

111 replies

Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 09:56

And DS1 might do too? Currently on maternity leave with third. When he came home from school drop today (he works irregular hours and if he’s starting late I might ask him to do drop to save the baby a trip out in the cold and wet). I happened to mention a little part of me wouldn’t mind getting back to work (winter with 3 kids, a pick up that involves hanging around for 50 mins with baby, and 2 constantly fighting older children) and he said he was looking forward to that too. He spends a fair enough of time back in the house and it seems he would rather a nanny there than me. AIBU to be upset at this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 10:34

I guess it just all feels so critical. Like I’m doing a really bad job.

OP posts:

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/02/2020 10:34

He sounds like he has ocd! I couldn’t cope with that personally, my Dh never comments on the state of the house (which is clean bit not spotless) - don’t let his neurosis make you feel inferior!

Herpesfreesince03 · 28/02/2020 10:37

So when he has a nanny the house is kept spotless, his shirts get ironed and he doesn’t have to run round the kid’s when he’s trying to work. Also with you working there’s more money coming in and you’re happier. It’s not unreasonable that he prefers the nanny at home

MollyButton · 28/02/2020 10:37

And for a Nanny it is their job - very different to your own kids. As a lot of ex-nannies/nursery nurses I know would agree.
And maybe he has also noticed you are happier when you are working? And even more relaxed?

AryaStarkWolf · 28/02/2020 10:38

I would just take that to mean he does less when the nanny is there, don't take it so personally.

gingersausage · 28/02/2020 10:38

Or @messolini9, the OP could have PND and you could just be very unpleasant. Calling someone batshit is fucking disgusting.

Motoko · 28/02/2020 10:39

Generally, people with children, don't have spotless houses. Many men don't get that, because they think you're sitting on your arse all day. How often does he look after the children for a whole day? I'm guessing never, or he would realise this.
You need to get out, spend a day for yourself, leaving him with the children, but I suppose you're going to give a list of reasons why you can't.

Original poster

Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 10:39

I think he’s finding the move to 3 kids v v tough going, before he never really had to do anything at night. Our 3 year olds sleeping has never been great, but it’s finding it tough now the load is falling more on him, as the baby wakes if I get up to try to keep him in his room.

OP posts:

5zeds · 28/02/2020 10:41

Get the cleaner to come every day just before he gets home. Put feet up, feed baby, play with bigger kids when they’re around.

I liked it better when I had a cleaner, but I like dh more.

Seaweed42 · 28/02/2020 10:41

Look, he hasn't a clue about what a person's life is like looking after 3 small kids at home. We all know it's a pain in the ass and no the housework doesn't get done. The TV won't harm the kids, sometimes it's the only thing you can do if it's cold and wet outside and you need to get on with minding a baby. There's plenty of adults out there stuck on their laptops or phones 7hrs a day but they don't see that as 'being bad' for them.
Your DH just wants an easy life and he doesn't want the pain in the ass of the school run. It's the same old story - husbands who think being at home with kids is 'doing nothing' all day.
If your DH wants the toys picked up he can pick them up when he comes home. If there's a dinner made he should be very very grateful for that. A small baby is very very hard work so you have my sympathies. You are a good mother - if doubts are creeping in about that, then that is your mind playing tricks on you and you need to keep a close eye on that. Guilt about wanting to leave the kids and go back to work can produce this feeling of turning into 'the kids prefer a nanny anyway' type of thing. Don't fall into that trap. That's very rigid all or nothing thinking. Try to keep a flexible approach. Are you being too hard on yourself?
Your kids can love you with all their hearts AND enjoy being with a nanny as well - it's not a one versus the other, it's a combination of care that usually works out fine.
Go back to work if that's what you would like to do for yourself, the kids will be fine.

brilliotic · 28/02/2020 10:42

I think your DH is not saying 'I am looking forward to having a nanny at home, that will be better than having you at home' (which you might be able to take as hurtful) - but in actual fact he is saying 'I am looking forwards to things being like they were when we had only two children (and a full-time nanny who had 9-1 free for housework)'.

So the conversation you need to have with him is that DC3 is not going away, and was (presumably) a joint decision, so he has to face up to the fact that (nanny or SAHM) things are going to be different. There is a baby in the house now, and three children in total, so there will be more 'work' to do than before. And that extra is not all for you to bear - he will need to pull up his sleeves too. A nanny of three, one of whom is a baby, will have much less opportunity for occasional housework (e.g. shirt ironing) than a nanny of two who are both at school/nursery. Same for a SAHM of three.

Regarding your child, he might also kind of wish for things to go back to how they were before DC3 arrived. Not because he dislikes you being at home and prefers nanny! But simply because he had more attention.

messolini9 · 28/02/2020 10:43

he came home and spent the first 30 mins rushing around tidying, scrubbing at some barely noticeable spot, brushing the floor (it, stupidly, is a white floor, and he would be brushing and rubbing at it multiple times a day). This is what he always does, and I think it made her feel a bit shit, makes me feel a bit shit after looking after 3 kids all day

I am going to kindly & respectfully suggest that both you & your mum need to check your internalised misogyny OP.
Why on earth does the mere fact of seeing DH doing a bit of cleaning make you & your mum "feel like shit"? Do you think he shouldn't have to, because he has a jobs & a penis? Do you feel it is a reproach, because housework should 'belong' solely to you?

Just clean to a standard you feel comfortable with - or less, given the 3 kids! - & forget about it If DH wants to do more when he gets home - let him crack on.
It is nothing to do with you, & not a commentary on your worth.

Sunshineface123 · 28/02/2020 10:44

I get what your saying Op - he liked when he had an employee looking after the kids, cleaning, doing school, run etc and he didn’t have to chip in. He’d rather you go back to work and pay someone else to do all that stuff your not finding time to do (understandable with a bf baby). When really he should be helping out where he can.

👆definitely this! He sounds a bit of a nightmare. Only solution if he's not prepared to relax a bit and chip in is maybe up the hours your cleaner does?

EmeraldShamrock · 28/02/2020 10:44

Maybe in means the routine. I definitely don't think he prefers the Nanny over you.

Original poster

Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 10:45

Thank you for all your messages, even the ones saying I’m batshit. I need to know if IABU. It kinda escalated to saying maybe we should think about separating (a few people have said they have noticed we fight a lot - my sister, my DS and it worries me).

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EmeraldShamrock · 28/02/2020 10:46

My DP starts cleaning when he comes in, sometimes hoovering and mopping, I fecking love it. We both do an hour in the evening.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/02/2020 10:49

You’ve recently had a baby and your hormones are probably all over the place. It sounds like he could be more supportive and his anxiety over the cleanliness of the house is impacting negatively on you. Have you told him how it makes you feel?
Do you like being a SAHM otherwise? You shouldn’t feel pushed into going back to work by your dh, however maybe you would be happier working?

Original poster

Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 10:49

Brilliotic, I think you’ve got the nail on the head, deep down he wishes it could go back to how it was before (while still loving the baby obviously). And me going back to work represents that.

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FizzyIce · 28/02/2020 10:50

I think you are being over sensitive because you are finding it difficult at the moment . You’re not “batshit” you’re just a little overwhelmed.
Go back to work part time and maybe your home life will be a little easier and and means you’ll have more help than you staying home and struggling .

Seaweed42 · 28/02/2020 10:50

If he comes home and immediately starts cleaning the place - great. Not your problem. It can be tricky if you came from a home where the 'man' of the house was treated like royalty. That's what happened in my house. 'Your Dad needs his dinner'. 'Go and get Dad a cup of tea'. 'Don't touch that newspaper Dad hasn't read it yet', 'Don't use all the hot water your brother will want a bath'. All that absolute SHITE. Not to mention Dad and the brothers getting their dinners put out first. Oh yes. Bitter, who me?
It's no wonder men end up turning into toddlers when another kid comes along that takes 'Mummy's' attention off him. If a woman has come from the same type of background they will have fallen into that trap of the 'man' of the house being more important than them.

ravenmum · 28/02/2020 10:50

Sounds like there is a whole back story of him creating an unpleasant atmosphere that's altering the way you understood this comment?
Does he treat you like an employee?

Original poster

Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 10:51

I need to not take it personally, and understand that I CAN’T make it go back to how it was before in terms of ease and no impact and an inability to achieve that doesn’t make me a failure as a mother on maternity leave, it’s an impossible standard

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ravenmum · 28/02/2020 10:52

Also maybe buy a nice rug?!

EmeraldShamrock · 28/02/2020 10:54

There are to many women in your martied relationship. Mum sister yourself.

Original poster

Bedroomdilemma · 28/02/2020 11:01

I will definitely be going back to work (full-time - my job isn’t really conducive to part time working even when I dropped to a 9 day fortnight) although I’m not sure I’ll be more relaxed! He often works late/at weekend so I do more childcare but that’s fine (although exhausting) - I guess it’s v easy as soon as we move from the equal workers to fall into traditional roles where he just expects me to become a domestic goddess. I was better able last maternity leaves to tell him maternity leave is granted to look after the baby rather than the top priority always being housework - I don’t know why I’m more feeble this time. Maybe because I feel like I am doing so much more work this time (never ending laundry, cooking, school runs etc on top of the baby care) and yet he still feels so critical.

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