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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you want to know if your husband did this?

179 replies

sooty333 · 27/02/2020 17:51

Would you want to know if your husband had done these things and would you blame the woman in this scenario?

If he:
Became friends with a woman over 30 years younger

  • Started messaging said woman at all hours, even when she didn't reply he would hassle with follow up messages
  • Asked said woman to meet up for lunch (which she went to as friends)
  • Asked said woman to stay over at your house while you were away for the weekend (which said woman refused)
  • Kissed said woman against her will and touched her inappropriately
  • Told said woman he loves her, that she's the most beautiful woman in the world and he wishes he had met her 30 years ago and could marry her
  • when said woman told him to leave her alone, he sent constant messages asking why and declarations of love

Assuming you are in your 50s/60s you want to know, or considering said woman is not going to have an affair with your husband would you want to live in ignorant bliss and have an easy life?

OP posts:
Iwantacookie · 27/02/2020 21:52

Yes this "man" needs to be outed as a sexual abuser.
However if you tell the wife she might not believe you.
I agree with pp police and hr.

squishedgrapes · 27/02/2020 21:56

I'd want to know,
Poor said woman having been put through this
I wold feel incredibly sorry for her
I'd leave the bastard and befriend the said woman

ferntwist · 27/02/2020 22:05

How do you know this creep?

lachy · 27/02/2020 22:17

I'd want to know.

It goes without saying but if you do decide to tell her, be prepared for a backlash. Provide her with the evidence and let her know that you will not be gossiping about this, but that you will be going to the police (please do)

I'm also of the view that this is unlikely to have been the first time.

Take care.

blueshoes · 27/02/2020 22:26

If you are the woman being harassed, take care of yourself but stay out of their marriage.

messolini9 · 27/02/2020 22:29

This could be an early indication of dementia.
Oh for goodness sake.
It's walking like a duck & quacking like a duck.
He's a sexual harrasser.

You should push him to be tested.
The young woman should report to police & HR.

Mummyshark2019 · 27/02/2020 22:29

Hope you are making swift divorce plans of this fucker is your husband.....

MadameMeursault · 27/02/2020 22:31

Tell her OP. But kindly and gently.

Zombiemum1946 · 27/02/2020 22:39

Your other option is to go straight to the police. I just wonder whether It's probably best to stay away from her and get it dealt with through official channels. I realise that's not what you were asking, but the information you've given reads as assault and stalking. He needs a serious slap down and you need to get this on record. I know it's a serious step up from telling the wife, but I suspect this is not the first time he's harassed a woman, and may not be the last. As for the work place, join a union, report it to your rep. DO NOT attend any formal or informal meeting of any kind without your rep present, I cannot stress that enough. Keep detailed records of any interaction.

Toria70 · 27/02/2020 22:44

I'm a bit torn here. Given her age and the chances of starting over again, she may decide it's better the devil you know. And he will probably minimise.

I think you're better reporting him to the Police to be honest. He sounds obsessed, and he may back off if you involve them. At the very least, I'd change my number and block all forms of contact.

If it's not too outing, do you work with him?

HowlsMovingBungalow · 27/02/2020 23:00

Block his number/SM so he can no longer harass you and I'd seek advice from your local police force over the assault and harassment. I would be thinking of my own safety and that alone.
As someone on the thread said I would put money on this twat having a lot of other victims.

Patch23042 · 27/02/2020 23:13

Don’t approach the wife. Official channels are the best way - getting involved with the wife might impact the case. Tell the police and then let HR know.

SewItGoes · 27/02/2020 23:13

I'd want to know, but to be honest, I might wonder exactly what had happened and in what order (assuming I didn't know her well enough to trust her implicitly and didn't already know what he was like). I might wonder why she didn't block his messages, why she agreed to any meeting at all, etc., unless there were obvious reasons she couldn't (colleague or similar). ...But ultimately, however I felt about the woman, I'd put the blame on my husband.

Maybe it's possible to alert her to his behaviour anonymously, if you'd rather she not know your identity.

Streamside · 28/02/2020 06:23

I think the police need to know more than the wife.

MadameMeursault · 28/02/2020 07:48

Do you work with him OP?

pinkyredrose · 28/02/2020 08:38

He sexually assaulted you and harasses you. Have you thought about reporting him?

Damntheman · 28/02/2020 09:19

Fucking hell that poor woman!

I would absolutely want to know so I could kick his sleazy, harrassing arse to the curb.

AluminumMonster · 28/02/2020 09:43

I'd also like to know the order in which these events happen, how does it get to:
'Asked said woman to stay over at your house while you were away for the weekend'

I hope you're ok as nothing gives him right to do anything against your will but I would be prepared for lack of sympathy from wife x

AlpacaGoodnight · 28/02/2020 10:56

I'd want to know and I would not blame the woman.

spongejack · 28/02/2020 10:57

I'd want to know!

Nowayorhighway · 28/02/2020 11:06

I would want the lecherous creep out of my life for good and frankly I’d be embarrassed that he was my husband.

GabsAlot · 28/02/2020 11:41

Id want to know personally he may spin her a line though twist it round that youre coming onto him -jut look after yourself for now

got to hr and the police

OldQueen1969 · 28/02/2020 15:34

DH and I are in the 50s age bracket, so I have pondered this. DH works with lots of young attractive females, and there are lots of common points of interest as his job is a niche market. A few years ago a "friend and colleague" of his in a similar niche market was prosecuted for filming young female clients against their will and also after drugging them and inviting them to his house while his wife was not present. He was jailed and his name is mud in the professional circles DH and he worked with. he's out now and last I heard his wife was standing by him because "childhood trauma" made him do it....... yeah, right. As a result DH and I have had long conversations about this sort of scenario, and his biggest fear, which influences his interactions is being thought of in the least bit predatory or creepy. He has too much to lose, and we're very lucky that we can talk openly and he knows full well his world would crumble to ashes and I would be a dim and distant memory in two shakes of a lambs tail if anything like this was suspected or came to light.

So as a wife I would definitely want to know in order to cut ties because even if it's a moment of middle aged madness, it's a horrible thing to live with a man who obviously has little to no regard nor attraction for you, and also because no woman, regardless of age should be harassed and assaulted in this manner. It's a terrible situation to be in, but I would find a way to tell the wife and also take any other appropriate action to fend him off if I was in this position. Good luck OP.

Daftodil · 28/02/2020 15:46

I would want to know, but I wouldn't want the "said woman" to tell him that she was telling me/had told me. If I did need to leave, I would want to have some time to clean out the bank accounts get my ducks in a row before I did anything rather than be forced into a quick decision that might leave me vulnerable further down the line. If I couldn't leave, I wouldn't want him to think I was accepting of his behaviour.

SantaIsReal · 28/02/2020 15:51

As the wife I'd want to know however if he has touched you in any way against your will, I would be reporting it to the police.

Hope you're okay OP!

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