The “town bike”

[MrsBrentford]

Today colleagues and I went in my car together and I made a joke about “shagging about” when I was a teenager - it was clearly a joke and not true.

College said oh Mrs Brentford “you weren’t the town bike were you?”. We work in a role which requires us to be non judgemental.

I said “no Colleague but if I had had a lot of safe, enjoyable consensual sex while single that would be ok and if I were a man you would be calling me a player”

To which she agreed.

FFS do women still actually think like this?

I’d rather “clutch pearls” - as the hackneyed saying goes - than have a reputation like that, OP.

lottiegarbanzo
I totally agree with you.
It's the sort of joke to be made with close friends and where the person making the joke is open to some banter back.

It's not something to joke about in the workplace, then be offended when someone replies in the same tone to the point of being snipey and lecture them. Between the OP saying it was either make sex jokes or disclose personal history when asked about moving, and the follow up comments that it's totally normal to discuss sex at work, it strikes me that professional boundaries are missing or selectively don't apply.

*Can’t believe the amount of petal clutching about mentioning sex at work tbh.

It’s normal for us.*

Says the person pearl clutching because someone made a joke about something that's 'normal for them'?

and rightly so in the work place... I'd send you straight to HR and you would likely either have a lecture or training on acceptable professional conduct. And a warning.

For very obvious reasons!

Is this a joke? Where do all you people work that you can't make a harmless joke like the OP made. It was a funny joke (which didn't even need "I'm joking"). And for those saying OP's colleague was joking back- how is calling someone the "town bike" a joke?

My God this thread is so bizarre - apparently you can't make harmless self depreciating jokes with a sexual element anymore with close work friends. And if you do so, anything sexist, judgemental or mean said in response is fair game.

Surely this is the verbal equivalent of a woman dressing scantily to work (unprofessional), and if she gets groped or the men comment on her body, then it's fine because she invited unprofessional behaviour by dressing in an unprofessional manner.

I don't think you should start making sexual jokes at work if you're going to get all pearl clutchy and defensive if anyone else joins in.

nestisflown
It's not like the dressing at work situation at all.

I hate the term town bike. It's horrible.

However, you can't joke about having to leave because you've shagged all the men in the small town (very different to running out of men to shag) and then complain and get arsey when the similar sentiment of small town attitudes is said back as "town bike" by someone you've decided is clearly a good enough friend to be comfortable making those jokes.

In the dress situation unsolicited misogynistic comments aren't bring invited.
In the OP's situation she's brought sex jokes up in the workplace.

I didn't think town bike was that bad, just a joke usually. People will say
"He/she is like the town bike, everyone's had a ride" (or the school bike is I have heard it said)
I wouldn't get offended by that just laugh it off

If you follow the logic of the people on this thread- it's no different than attributing blame to the victim of sexual assualt/ sexism because she wore provocative clothing. Like I said upthread, dressing scantily at work is not an "invitation to treat". And likewise, making self depreciating jokes of a sexual nature at work does not make it OK for the colleague to attack OP with sexist and judgemental comments. It's the same logic.

OP may have behaved "unprofessionally" but the only person her joke harmed or affected is herself- that does not make it OK for the colleague to attack the OP and all women with her sexist comments.

So OP makes a joke about sex. And that's fine.
Collegue makes a joke about sex. OP gets upset.

You basically jumped at the chance to deliver your little 'men are players, women are sluts' speech....

In the dress situation unsolicited misogynistic comments aren't bring invited.
In the OP's situation she's brought sex jokes up in the workplace.

@LolaSmiles And where did OP invite unsolicited sexist and misogynistic comments? She made a joke about herself and your assuming she's inviting misogyny. Seriously?

*you're

Stupid autocorrect

Depends on your age. Youngsters see it as you do, older people men and women see it as your colleague does.

OP pearl clutches in real life then accuses people of pearl clutching on MN.

Although, bike is a horrible term, OP is basically saying she is allowed to make crude jokes about shagging, because it's "normal", but colleagues have to be very careful about how they respond.

And @LolaSmiles you're the only person on this thread that has interpreted the joke to mean having to leave the town put of shame. I and most of the other posters on the thread got that the joke means she ran out of men to shag. That says more about you and your internalized sexism tbh.

it's no different than attributing blame to the victim of sexual assualt/ sexism because she wore provocative clothing

No it's not. Nowhere near. For a start what's classed as provocative?

Secondly, wearing 'provocative clothing' isnt starting jokes about your sex life.

The town bike comment is no more sexist than the idea a woman would need to leave a small town for shagging all the men.
It's a pot calling the kettle black situation, especially given its apparently entirely normal to discuss sex with colleagues at the OP's work.
It certainly comes across as "you're so pearl clutchy to think sex talk at work is unprofessional. It's totally normal... But only as long as it's done according to my tastes and if I don't like the sex chat I shall find an opportunity to be offended"

In fact maybe things would be a little better if they all stopped blurring the boundaries of professionalism.

And @LolaSmiles you're the only person on this thread that has interpreted the joke to mean having to leave the town put of shame
No I'm not.
Others have also mentioned it.

Others have also commented on the fact that the OP felt the need to clarify to her colleagues that of course this was indeed a joke (because heaven forbid anyone thought she would sleep with lots of people) before lecturing her colleague about sex positivity.

The whole situation is bizarre and laced with misogyny on both sides so maybe in future the OP and her colleagues should refrain from joking about their sex lives at work and have some professional boundaries.

Wow, really the town bike remark is considered funny? By women? In 2020? Ffs!

There's a massive difference between joking about shagging around - agree maybe not wise in the workplace - and labelling someone with a nasty, sexist term.

And if it is still part of society's attitudes to criticise women for being sexually active and not men, how are we going to change that if we don't stop using that language ourselves.

From reading OP’s responses which does help matters instead of just reading the original post, I don’t think she were being as unreasonable as others have said.

OP says they were going to her car so they weren’t in the workplace. She has an informal relationship outside of work with them so they are comfortable with banter. I would think OP would know the difference between a joking tone and serious tone with said colleague since none of us were there and none of knows the colleague as well as OP.

If said colleague was uncomfortable with the joke, she could have stayed quiet or just laughed it off, especially when OP said she was joking. She instead asked if OP was the town bike.. she could have said “just kidding” afterwards but didn’t.

I think the only thing OP was being unreasonable about was not knowing her audience as well as she thought she did. What were the other colleagues reactions?

Totally unprofessional to be discussing this topic in the workplace

phoenixrosehere
You have a point.
I think the OP is selectively blurring things though because they also accuse people of being pearl clutchy for thinking that discussing sex at work is unprofessional as it's normal in their workplace.

If they are proper friends (as in friends separate to work rather than just work friends) there's banter back and forth and the tone would be clear, there's no need for a lecture, usually someone making a crap comment like the town bike would be met with another jokey put down and everyone moves on from the dickish/misjudged comment. No need to bring their job up to add to how shocked and awful it is.

If they are colleagues and work friends then the OP's comment and her colleague's comment were both out of line in my opinion because you don't need to joke about your sex life at work.

Given it was apparently too personal to ask about how they moved to the area, I've guessed (perhaps incorrectly) that this is more of the work friend/colleagues relationship in a workplace with odd boundaries.

I feel very sad about the number of posters on this thread who don't understand the difference between a crude, tasteless joke about having lots of sex, which is the joke that OP made and which may not be to everyone's taste but does not carry an undertone of "it is demeaning for a woman to have lots of sex",

and

a crude, tasteless joke about having lots of sex that involves a really degrading term that's only used against women who have lots of sex,

which is the joke that her colleague made.

Its degrading to women to suggest they need to leave town because they have had lots of sex.

The problem perhaps was that the joke works both ways. I just thought she'd run out of men and needed more variety.

I did not say I “had” to leave.