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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The “town bike”

273 replies

MrsBrentford · 26/02/2020 22:31

Today colleagues and I went in my car together and I made a joke about “shagging about” when I was a teenager - it was clearly a joke and not true.

College said oh Mrs Brentford “you weren’t the town bike were you?”. We work in a role which requires us to be non judgemental.

I said “no Colleague but if I had had a lot of safe, enjoyable consensual sex while single that would be ok and if I were a man you would be calling me a player”

To which she agreed.

FFS do women still actually think like this?

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 28/02/2020 08:37

Honestly, OP you sound like one of those mean girls at school who makes a joke and all your cronies laugh, then a less popular girl makes a joke and you all sneer at her and make her feel terrible.
Of course it was great when they were pissing themselves laughing at your joke.

longwayoff · 28/02/2020 09:18

6 pages. OP "AIBU?" Universe "YABU". 6 pages!

OhCaptain · 28/02/2020 09:23

@MrsBrentford how can you be decrying the use of a misogynistic term and then repeatedly call someone a bitch on your thread??

The hypocrisy is astounding!

I made an off the cuff joke and my other two colleagues pissed themselves laughing

It’s really not that funny, which is all that poster was pointing out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

drina27 · 28/02/2020 09:25

Not funny at all. And inappropriate.

ShesCurly · 28/02/2020 09:28

I think what people are taking issue with is that you're saying it's bad for people to use the phrase "town bike" (I agree with you) because it negatively judges women who may sleep with multiple people, whereas men who do so are not negatively judged in the same way. All makes sense.

But you made a joke about how sleeping with multiple partners would be a reason to leave a town. Which implies it is in fact a negative thing.

And you then immediately followed with a "obviously I didn't actually" because you wanted to make it very clear you didn't behave in the way you said shouldn't be negatively labelled. Which also implies it is in fact a negative thing.

That's where the hypocrisy argument comes in.

LolaSmiles · 28/02/2020 09:45

gonetoget
That's why I'm out.
The phrase town bike is horrible.

But if the workplace is somwhere people routinely joke about sex and then we're dark humour is also a normal way of joking then I can't see the grounds for being offended to the point of snipey at the colleague.
Sex jokes and dark humour (with a lot of sensitive and potentially offensive topics part of the humour) are apparently all normal and fine with colleagues/work friends, unless the OP doesn't like it.

At that point anyone pointing this out is a bitch, pearl clutchy, high and mighty, and misogynistic.

LaMarschallin · 28/02/2020 10:00

I said “no Colleague but if I had had a lot of safe, enjoyable consensual sex while single that would be ok and if I were a man you would be calling me a player”

I have to say, I'm impressed by the calm and measured response the OP was able to conjure up immediately.
I know I'd have spluttered something like, "NOOO! I was joking!".

Given that she's so able to keep her cool and be so quick thinking at work, yet all the while remaining polite, perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that she relaxes and feels able to get aggressive and sweary on MN.

Kirkman · 28/02/2020 10:00

It appears up is allowed to use mysognistsic terms. The problem is, that others arent.

That's what this comes down too.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/02/2020 10:18

Social Workers, of course. Hello Clare!

fuzzymoon · 28/02/2020 10:21

Shes said it very well.

You're actually being a hypocrite to your own values.

Joking that you had to leave because you slept with all the men , is a negative reason and sexist.

It's saying that some women would have to do that but not me as I'm not like that really.

Town bike is actually the name given to women who sleep with lots of men when it's seen as a wrong thing to do. You can describe it but someone else can't say it's name. Bizarre.

It was you who was actually demeaning women not her.

Teateaandmoretea · 28/02/2020 11:14

Can't imagine saying I'd shagged about to a colleague

No nor me. I'd be more Shock if a bloke said this than a woman because it would seem more sleazy as a comment if it was a bloke. So it is nothing to do with double standards.

Teateaandmoretea · 28/02/2020 11:15

if I were a man you would be calling me a player

Nope I'd call you sleazy

Greenandpleasanter · 29/02/2020 12:27

Lolasmiles you say you loathe the term but then seem to defend using it when someone else is talking about their sex lives.

However, you can't joke about having to leave because you've shagged all the men in the small town (very different to running out of men to shag) and then complain and get arsey when the similar sentiment of small town attitudes is said back as "town bike" by someone you've decided is clearly a good enough friend to be comfortable making those jokes

I don't think it's a term that should ever be used full stop. If I said I'd had a lot of sex as a teen, I don't think that gives you the right to call me a town bike full-stop, even if you're a friend. One, because it's different to talk about oneself in a deprecating manner, but another for someone else to join in. But also because one is talking about behaviour and the other is labelling it in a nasty, misogynistic way. And I think women should just stop doing it. Defending it in any way is just as bad as doing it in the first place. And I wouldn't defend the OP for using the term bitch, because it's another misogynistic term.

Until we stop using these words to describe each other we won't change the double standards in society because words contribute to that.

Think how many words are used for a woman who has sex with lots of men: skank, slut, tart, town bike, floozy, harlot, tramp, trollop, loose woman, slag, slapper. I think the only ones for men are player - which doesn't have the same connotations and can be complimentary - or sleaze - which to me implies not just you have sex with lots of women but you're always hitting on unwilling participants - so again it's not just about having sex with women.

Just don't get why you're so keen to defend anyone using it in any situation. And it's separate to why the OP shouldn't have been talking about her sex life.

LolaSmiles · 29/02/2020 13:38

Lolasmiles you say you loathe the term but then seem to defend using it when someone else is talking about their sex lives.
I hate the term.

But if people work somwhere where joking about sex is apparently normal (anyone who thinks otherwise is apparently pearl clutching) and dark humour is also the norm (and there's a lot of offence that can be caused with many topics there) then I think claiming offence over the phrase 'town bike' smacks of hypocrisy, especially given how following her original comment the OP was keen to point out that this was a joke because obviously she couldn't have anyone thinking that she had done that (which surely if it was a joke, and the OP doesn't see anything wrong then it wouldn't need saying).

When I've been with friends who have dark senses of humour and someone has overstepped or misjudged then usually the response is "woah too far", not a snipey 'well actually I shall take this opportunity to reprimand you on your use of language because...' in a context where apparently it's entirely the norm to make dark jokes at a 'non-judgemental workplace'. It's all a bit full of hypocrisy and peculiar professional boundaries where everyone is running the risk of being offended if one day something dark is deemed funny, but the next it's offensive and people should apparently know better because of their job.

I totally agree with you on words for women and their sex lives being disproportionately negative compared to men by the way.

Kirkman · 29/02/2020 14:26

I dont think anyone is defending the use of the term.

They are saying by ops own posts, she also partakes in degrepoarty jokes about women and sex. But is upset that others do too.

Just like she begs on about mysognists then calls people bitches. One rule for her, one for everyone else.

BootShakin · 29/02/2020 18:21

Clearly you care OP else you wouldnt have asked. How immature.

Insideimsprinting · 29/02/2020 18:27

Personally I judge males and females for it, I don't think it portraits either sex in a good way. It certainly not something I'd be bragging about even if I'd stopped.

lastburritos · 02/03/2020 15:50

Mrsbrentford - you've made the DM. Just in case you've not seen it.

Schuyler · 02/03/2020 16:26

What a glowing endorsement for social work!

drina27 · 02/03/2020 19:03

Indeed. I thought that the other day. Impressive.

drina27 · 02/03/2020 19:03

The Daily Heil? She must be so proud.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/03/2020 19:06

There’s a big difference between ‘shagging about’ (OP has agency in that situation) and ‘town bike’ (being used, ridden, like an object

Quite surprising there are still some women who simply don't get this

drina27 · 03/03/2020 11:01

Agreed. The connotations of “town bike” are dreadful.

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