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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The “town bike”

273 replies

MrsBrentford · 26/02/2020 22:31

Today colleagues and I went in my car together and I made a joke about “shagging about” when I was a teenager - it was clearly a joke and not true.

College said oh Mrs Brentford “you weren’t the town bike were you?”. We work in a role which requires us to be non judgemental.

I said “no Colleague but if I had had a lot of safe, enjoyable consensual sex while single that would be ok and if I were a man you would be calling me a player”

To which she agreed.

FFS do women still actually think like this?

OP posts:
Tulipan · 27/02/2020 07:06

Apparently this is still a thing. I think it's more of a class/education thing personally as I didn't have a clue this was still a thing til I got talking to parents of the kids at school. I work/socialise in a little bubble of promiscuous people/people with adventurous past lives usually. Thank God actually, as chatting to my actual neighbours I realised it's still about 1950 round here. Yawn.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 27/02/2020 07:09

I wasn’t talking about my sexual history.

I made a joke I said “I’m joking” at the end of my sentence, it was 3 colleagues I know very well.

She said it in a really disapproving tone and I repeated “I was joking”.

Colleague was a youth worker who had worked in sexual health so should know better than to use that term.

OP posts:
Fuckmesideways · 27/02/2020 07:11

Oh ok. So if she had said “I’m joking” at the end, it would have all been better would it?

Frownette · 27/02/2020 07:17

It's weird OP, don't bring up your sex life at work even if it was a joke

lottiegarbanzo · 27/02/2020 07:17

Sounds like you misread her tone. She may be cringing at having sounded more serious than she meant to.

If not, you've learnt not to joke with people who don't always get that you're joking.

The problem with making self-deprecating remarks is that people will take you at face value. Not a good idea in the workplace.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 27/02/2020 07:26

We were talking about my home town she said “oh it’s so beautiful, why did you leave” I said “well I had slept with all the men there - I’m joking”.

It’s the term “town bike” that I found really offensive.

OP posts:
geekone · 27/02/2020 07:31

Wow MN proves once again that the patriarchy is affects women deeply and not just men. Yes it’s a double standard and @PapayaCoconut your comments are disgusting it doesn’t matter how many people you have sex with you shouldn’t have to “protect” yourself from rape. I have in my life time had one sexual partner, that does not mean I deserve to get raped less than someone who had 50 because they are not “preserving” themselves. Awful awful post.

OP I get exactly what you mean it’s not fair. If we as a society we especially women had more consensual sex we might be less hung up about it.

zsazsajuju · 27/02/2020 07:43

Given the context it was a joke and you need to get over yourself

Dozer · 27/02/2020 07:46

Hate that phrase, it’s derogatory and sexist. Would think less of the colleague who said it.

YWBU to bring up your sex life with work colleagues: never a good idea!

SnoozyLou · 27/02/2020 07:47

OP, now you've put it in context, it makes a lot more sense. She does sound quite condescending.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 27/02/2020 07:55

The joke was a deflection tbh - I left to escape an abusive relationship and addictions but it would have been more inappropriate to speak the actual truth.

That’s irrelevant though I just hate that phrase.

OP posts:
Dozer · 27/02/2020 07:56

YANBU on that. Agree that it was particularly inappropriate coming from someone in that occupation.

beautifulstranger101 · 27/02/2020 07:58

I'm not really sure what she was meant to say OP, but I think it's pretty unfair to portray her as the villain of the peace. You made an inappropriate comment. She made one back

This. Both of you have made inappropriate comments. Who the hell talks about their sex life to their work colleagues? maybe she was actually embarrassed and tried to make a light hearted joke to cover up her awkwardness at you disclosing intimate things about your sex life?
Stop talking about your sex life at work. Its deeply unprofessional.

Burgerandchipvan · 27/02/2020 08:16

You both made inappropriate comments. Saying "I'm joking" doesn't make it a joke. You don't hear comedians saying it do you?

LuluJakey1 · 27/02/2020 08:21

Sounds like a conversation that should not have been had- on both sides. Not professional.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/02/2020 08:22

Yes it's a horrible phrase but you literally lined up a joke with that as the punchline.

You don't have to tell the truth, or mask the truth with an equally extreme and inappropriate 'joke'. You can go bland. 'Oh you know, education, career progression, life' etc.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 08:24

Don’t engage in inappropriate conversations with colleagues and then fall back on professional norms to try to imply they are being unprofessional. You both were.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 08:25

Colleague was a youth worker who had worked in sexual health so should know better than to use that term.

Really unpleasant when people try to jump from one register to another like this. YOU made the first inappropriate comment. Maybe YOU should know better. But not just her.

Wheresthebeach · 27/02/2020 08:27

For sure it's an offensive phrase, but you opened the door to the conversation by making a joke about sleeping around. You can't get too offended that the conversation went in a direction you didn't like.

Don't 'joke' about your sexual history with colleagues.

Nowayorhighway · 27/02/2020 08:29

You both were joking presumably with no malice intended on either side, you chose to get offended.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 27/02/2020 08:31

We are all in a WhatsApp chat group, we quite informal.

I wasn’t talking about my sex life was I?

I cannot believe people still think this phrase is ok.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/02/2020 08:31

Well it wasn't a joke if you then went on to defend yourself.

If you were joking and she'd have said that surely you'd have said "no honestly, I'm joking, I'm not like that." Rather than getting defensive?

Divebar · 27/02/2020 08:32

Oh god. The tedious offices you must all work in that you can’t make a joke like that to someone you spend hours with daily. You’d fit in well in my place OP - which is public sector and pretty male dominated. ( and by and large pretty liberal on these matters) It’s a shame we have to be so judgemental about women in this way ( ref “ town bike). You know her though so you are perhaps best placed to assess whether she was being serious or not.

SnoozyLou · 27/02/2020 08:33

It was a personal question though. People leave their home town for all sorts of reasons, some of which they might not want to discuss, as is the case here. So OP deflected that with an off the cuff remark, and was admonished. I think the colleague shouldn't have been prying in the first place. I would let it go though.

Kirkman · 27/02/2020 08:33

Colleague was a youth worker who had worked in sexual health so should know better than to use that term.

Maybe you should have known better than to make a joke about, girls or woman that have felt the need to move because they have had sex with many local men or even just a rumour that she has.

How come you can make light of situations, but she can't?