I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

[LouiseCollina]

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children!

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

OP it’s fine to be worried about the situation.

Also your ‘tone’ is irrelevant as we don’t know you from Adam and screenwritten posts sometimes read ‘cold’ when they’re not. I can’t be bothered adding kissy kissies and smiley faces at the end of my sentences so don’t care how my ‘tone’ sounds.

The ex wife was clearly in love with him and felt jealously towards you, the new partner. That’s expected. She’s taken it too far and turned her vitriol on you with the social media harassment, and the substance abuse is an indication she isn’t recovering well from the divorce even this far down the line.

Of course you being pregnant has upset her, her children will now have a half-sibling. It’s as much for her to take in as you.

Irrespective of her wrong behaviour, the woman is desperately unhappy. She needs some counselling to get her through this, but meanwhile you’re correct that being pregnant will further antagonise her.

If it was me, I’d arrange to see her and be hugely sympathetic to her situation and maybe even have a cry and a hug and hopefully she’d have a bit of a release and let it all out and everything could work out between you both.

But I know most people won’t do that, and she will end up chasing you forever especially once you start posting baby pictures on your social media (blocking her is pointless she’ll just create new profiles to watch you), and you’ll feel more threatened, until something comes to a head. This happens with me and my sister who chased me online and created hate campaigns and all sorts of horror until we finally got the police involved, and now she’s backed off, and another woman is the subject of her vitriol now. These women, they never change, they just move onto the next.

She won’t be involved in your baby’s life as your partner’s other children are grown up effectively so custody sharing all the kids at her’s or whatever won’t be relevant here.
That’s about all you can do with this situation.

The only way it was (partly) resolved was by DH cutting all contact with ex and children.

@starrysky1 That is indeed admirable. I hope you'll continue to have the same admiration when he does that to your children.

OP, as others have said, you're just going to get a load of abuse here for being the "other woman". Some people on here would merrily tar and feather Mary Poppins.

However, you knew he had several children with this woman when from the start. You'd had a few tasters of what she was like. I'm not sure what you want people to say, but your partner should be making his kids a priority and getting them out of harms way, whether she is "ill", or just a complete arsehole. While you don't need to maintain direct contact with her, his kids aren't going to just disappear.

Hmm, the ex wife is always crazy isn’t she? I wonder how all these men missed this when they married them and had DC with them.

TBH I can see why women feel stressed, overwhelmed and mentally fragile when their DHs skip off, responsibility free to shack up with someone else.

I’d show her some compassion. You never know, you could be her in a few years.

Would you have said all that about the guy who burned his ex and his kids alive on his car last week, @Frangipanini? Or is it only women who can be excused when they threaten revenge on their ex and their new partner?

How old are the teens? Are they in the house with her? Are they safe? Has anyone called an ambulance? It sounds like she needs to be evaluated by a mental health team for her own safety and the safety of others.

@starrysky1 what a catch of a man you have there. Because obviously any decent dad cuts contact rather than ensuring his kids wellbeing. You must be so proud that he's the father of your children.

God I hate mumsnet. I completely get your concerns Op, I lived through something similar and “it’s nothing to do with you, just don’t get involved” doesn’t cut it when the drama lands itself at your door on a regular basis. And you should be Uber kind In your post and supportive of her issues despite her attacking you at will. So it is also completely understandable you’ve adopted a slightly flippant comic approach to dealing with this, if you didn’t laugh you’d be driven over the edge. It sounds like you have a good relationship with the kids who seem to also have a handle on the situation, the older they get the less contact will be necessary, other than that you’ll just have to play it by ear, sorry. It can be done.

The only way it was (partly) resolved was by DH cutting all contact with ex and children.

@starrysky1

You're a lucky lady aren't you, he sounds like wonderful dad material.

He chose you over his own children and you're gleeful about it.

You two sound like a good match to be fair.

Your partner is an absolute disgrace allowing his children to remain in the care of a mentally ill, violent woman and then go around knocking up other women. He should be concentrating on the children he already has, not creating more.

It never stop amazing me how much new partner seem to know about the ex despite no lost love!

@Dontdisturbmenow do you not think OPs partner talks about this? Do you really think that OP has to poke and pry to know about what's happening with the ex? Jeeeze.

If this was behaviour shown towards my kids I'd be taking the kids to safety until ex had some help . Those poor children. Op id keep well out of it just ensure your and your babys safety because she sounds unhinged well pardoned me shes sounds very distressed

Also your ‘tone’ is irrelevant as we don’t know you from Adam and screenwritten posts sometimes read ‘cold’ when they’re not. I can’t be bothered adding kissy kissies and smiley faces at the end of my sentences so don’t care how my ‘tone’ sounds.

Thank you ! Some people don’t consider ‘hun’ to be an essential punctuation mark to end every sentence, so glad I’m not alone

All three of you sound horrible. I pity that baby.

Why would OP have sympathy for a woman who has treated her like shit? She's clearly unhinged and being 'mentally unwell' doesn't mean she should get off on being a horrible person. I would have run a mile from this man with an ex like that. There's not really a lot you can do OP but make sure your child has nothing to do with her.

Why haven't you or your partner contacted social services sooner?

@Dontdisturbmenow said exactly what I was going to say.

Why are you showing such an interest in someone you want nothing to do with? Maybe if you backed off and stopped finding out so much info about her she'd leave you alone too?

You are in a less than ideal situation. But you chose to continue in a relationship with this man, and you are now choosing to have his child.

No point talking about how a silly you are to have gotten pregnant in such a volatile situation.

But.. You don't need to have anything to do with this woman. But as others have picked up, you sound almost delighted about the drama and excesses of the situation. Whoever is telling you about her vodka and benzos and her locked in the bathroom screaming and whatever else she gets up to, ask them to stop.

If the kids are subjected to it and are phoning your partner, then he needs to step up and take control of the situation by moving the children in with him full time. He needs to call the police, ambulance, social services, whoever is the most appropriate service and let them deal with her while he takes care of his children.

And you stay out of it.

Your opening post was almost like you were reporting on an entertainment piece!

If you don't want to put your baby in the path of this woman, then you stay out of her path.

He has known her a hell of a lot longer than you. You should have zero contact with her. I have a step daughter. 3 of my children gave never met her mother. And she and my husband are in amicable terms!

You don't need to be around her. You don't need a blow by blow account of what's going on.

THAT'S how you protect your baby.

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ASKING THE OP ABOUT CUSTODY OF HER DP’S CHILDREN??

That is not her job! Stop putting this blame, shame and guilt onto the OP! That’s not what her original post is about and what she came here looking for regarding advice. WTF people?

@LouiseCollina I would report your post to @MNHQ and have this moved to the Relationships board. The vipers are out on force trying to stick the boot in today.

Is this still going on today?

@3teens so what? We have 8 between us!

8 children!? Respect to you. I have no children and I find I often can’t stay awake when I get home from work. I genuinely don’t know how people do it!

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ASKING THE OP ABOUT CUSTODY OF HER DP’S CHILDREN??

Because her partner isn't posting. If he was posters would be advising HIM that he should have the children live with him.

As it's the OP posting, people are telling HER that he should have the children live with him full time. And hoping that maybe as they talk to each other she will point this out to him.

Although I find it difficult to believe that they are not already aware of this.

Soduko queen sometimes it's not that cut and dried. My sil used to scream and ball at the kids if they had contact with their dad. She moved them 200 miles away. They hid any cards they got from him. She binned any presents from him. She would phone him at all hours and scream abuse down at him. One of them kept a separate phone to try to keep contact . She found it and smashed a window .They stopped contact to stop the abuse. Her mum begged him to stop as she couldn't cope with dd behaviour. It's not easy when you're in the middle of it, to make what others would deem as the right choices. There was contact after a tragic death and he offered support, the accusations, abuse and phone calls started all over again within weeks.

Ah the new girlfriend pregnant after 12 months and blaming everything on the ‘crazy ex’. A story as old as time.

There is nothing whatsoever "gleeful" about this situation; it is depressing, disturbing and unnerving and I don't even know how to respond to anyone who thinks I feel otherwise

Oh I know! Let’s throw another child into the mix!

Apart from the fact that I’ve never got pregnant a lot of your experience matches mine. Really the only solution is grey rock. It doesn’t matter that she’s reacting to your pregnancy. Responding just gives her oxygen.
Ignore ignore ignore.
It works.

I'm not surprised you've had enough of his ex,I would imagine your OH and they're DC have all had enough as well bless them.

I think all you can do is keep supporting your OH and his DC,think about what's best for his teenagers,would they want to live with they're Dad and you and the baby or would they be to worried about what they're mum would do if they left.

I really think your OH needs to report to SS again and he could also speak to his youngest childrens schools,all of this stress,anxiety and unbalanced behaviour is not fair on them at all.

As for keeping yourself and your baby when it's here safe,keep her blocked and if she trys to contact you to be abusive or threatens you then report everything to the Police.

I went through something a bit similar except I was the ex wife,I'd ended the relationship because he was an abusive arse but I'd have my ex husbands girlfriend ringing me in the middle of the night accusing me of trying to get back with him,she was a bloody nightmare and I wasn't pregnant at the time.

Your tone made my hackles rise immediately.

Mine too.

She sounds like a total basket case. You sound like you are enjoying all the drama just a little bit too much. It makes you sound smug and unpleasant.

What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

Why on earth would this woman need to have anything to do with your baby?

You’ve been in your DPs life for five minutes, relatively speaking. Leave well alone and let him sort out any issues with his kids and their mother.
You mind your own business.