I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

[LouiseCollina]

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children!

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

Oh and OP, I don't recommend doing it this way as it isn't the correct way, but my DP just took custody of his children (after she went on a drinking binge instead of collecting them from school), no court orders etc. She then contacted police and SS and they said the children were safer with him than her (they spoke to school and there was a long list of incidents that had been kept hidden from him!) She didn't challenge it and they were happy to stay with their dad who facilitated as much contact as they wanted.....just a shame she rarely turned up to meet them!

I would never recommend taking such action normally, and I'm not necessarily recommending it now. But if they're in danger your DP needs to take action. Any decent parent with capacity should move heaven and earth to protect their child.

Poor woman. Clearly unwell and your only thought is for yourself

Really? She’s threatened and abused OP, her dc, her ex. And OP is thinking of her unborn child.

Hopefully after this latest episode ss will end up taking the younger dc’s away so they can come and live with you and their dad.

I do hope your DP is doing everything he can to get custody of them in the circumstances?

I'm really sorry OP for everyone. It all sounds like a horrible mess.

I hope your child will be able to know there half siblings and things will work out fine. I do feel very sorry for the kids involved.

Yes she sounds ill/unwell etc but it's not the kids fault and they should not have to live with the fallout.

you are 100% right to think of yourself in this situation. you are pregnant and perhaps feeling vulnerable.

I expect you've noticed already that some part of mumsnet are quite judgmental of women who dare to have a relationship with a man where another woman has staked her claim years earlier! Even if the relationship is well and truly over.

It's very sad that a second marriage can mean heartache for people involved in the first or second marriage but it doesn't always need to mean that and at the end of the day we are all free to end a marriage and start again or marry someone/have a family with someone who was previously married.

So please look after yourself and encourage your partner to look out for his kids.

their half siblings.

She sounds really hurt and jealous op.
You have the man that she once had and I think reading between the lines still lives.
I know you played no part in their marriage break up, but It won’t be as black and white to her. It sounds like she’s having a breakdown

This thread is absolutely bonkers. So many posters are blaming the OP for being judgemental when she’s rightfully scared of the ex becoming violent as the woman has shown precedent for it before. Fine if the woman is “unwell” but that doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t be concerned about protecting herself and her unborn baby.

All the people sarcastically and rudely asking “how many is a gang of kids?”, it’s none of your f*ing business. You’re being nosy and only want to judge the OP yourselves. This thread is full of second partner/wife shaming. It’s absurd. People are also trying to put blame on the OP for her partner’s decisions around custody. They’re pillorying the woman for the partner’s decisions that the OP hasn’t even disclosed yet. For all we know he could have asked for custody and still only gotten 50%.

The ex is obviously dangerous to herself, her children, the OP, and the partner. No amount of “poor thing, she seems unwell” will reduce that fact. THAT is what the OP asked to address, not anything else. How can @LouiseCollina protect herself from this dangerous woman?

@LouiseCollina is it possible for your or partner to involve the police to get some kind of monitoring or non molestation order?

Am I the only person who does not know what 'benzos' are?

I think knowing how many is in the gang of kids is relevant to the situation as the OP may need to have some of the gang living with her at this rate.

Would you be so judgemental if she had a broken bone or an immunity illness

Having a broken bone our immunity illness doesn't generally turn someone into an arsehole. Alcohol or drug addiction (or gambling, or food addiction, or gaming addiction or whatever other addiction) tends to affect the person's personality. Turns them into liars. Sneaks. Cheats. They are often verbally and/or physically abusive towards those closest to them. Mental health issues, without addiction can also cause irrational, unpredictable, aggresive behaviour.

Addiction or severe mental health issues as this woman has is not comparable to a broken bone ffs.

And anyone who tries that bleeding heart argument clearly has zero experience of living with addiction..

The children who still live at home, should live with their dad.. full-time. If the woman is that unstable it is negligent to leave vulnerable children in her care. Your child doesn't ever have to have anything to do with her. If she ever approaches you or threatens you in anyway, call the police.

Benzodiazepines...aka valium, diazepam to name but a few. There are others ending with pam that are in the same family. Used for detox in alcoholics.
Prescribed (sparingly by doctors) and is a controlled drug.
It's used as an Anti anxiety. Nasty stuff that can create dependency quickly and has a very unpleasant withdrawal that can be very dangerous as blood pressure goes all over the place.
Bought and sold on the street for a few quid (not sure what the goingbrate is currently). Some users have it around to take the edge of coming down. Benzos is a word I would attribute to people familiar with street drugs. Not really a polite word in my view.

Turns them into liars. Sneaks. Cheats. They are often verbally and/or physically abusive towards those closest to them

Yeah I agree actually. And I say that as an ex-addict. We're a pretty selfish bunch.

she’s rightfully scared of the ex becoming violent as the woman has shown precedent for it before

Yeah, she’s shitting it,

Getting pregnant by this man (unplanned or not) by not using (at least) 50 forms of contraception to prevent the possibility was just about the worst decision you could have made in this scenario.

I mean... there are SO MANY men on the planet (about 2.73 billion) and you choose one with a gaggle of children and an ex with what sounds like quite serious mental health issues! The mind boggles!

Turns them into liars. Sneaks. Cheats. They are often verbally and/or physically abusive towards those closest to them

I think that this is a massive generalisation and pretty cruel. This poor woman is suffering

@LouiseCollina

I couldn't care less if I sound judgemental - these sporadic and unpredictable drunken violent outbursts alongside eighteen months of being called a slut and a whore and a prostitute for having the temerity to have a relationship would make anyone this side of heavens gates judgemental.

Putting the tone of your OP aside...

So you got yourself knocked up by accident, by a man you knew for 14 months, who he has a "gang" of children, by a woman who made it very clear to you that she was extremely unstable...

And you have the gall to imagine that it's the ex that's the problem?

Sorry love, you don't have a right to be snarky about this at all. You actually chose to bring an innocent baby into this fucked situation. You don't even have the drink or drugs to blame, that's just your sober decisions in the mix there.

You fucked up, you're now going to have a hard time of it. Don't blame her. You could see all this coming.

You could try a non mol but probably would be better off just distancing yourself. Google "grey rock" and keep your beak out of it as much as you can. If you show your appalling attitude, you're only going to make it worse for everyone.

So...you got pregnant by a man in little over a year who already had a 'gang of kids'. Mental health is a real thing. How much has he done to support the mental health issues and the gang of kids such as seeking custody /residence to protect them while she seeks help?

I think that this is a massive generalisation

It is a massive generalisation.
Because addicts generally tend to follow the same pattern.
It is why the 12 step programme generally helps addicts..
It's why Al-Anon etc generally tends to help families.

Yes, there will be exceptions. But in general they're all pretty similar. And lie, and cheat, and steal, and verbally and physically attack those closest to them if they start highlighting the problems.

I'm not saying this woman isn't struggling and isn't deserving of help. But OP, or her partner, or her kids, aren't the ones in a position to offer that help.
And she's certainly not to be compared with someone with a broken arm.

Oh right thanks lola

You both sound utterly charming.

I 'verified' my ex's story with his family too. Bunch of liars who's loyalty completely disregarded mine & our childrens' safety. Took 14 years for his true colours to show but my goodness, did they show. His family then sloped off muttering that they 'thought it'd be OK this time'. Ex did a custodial sentence & is now playing happy families again while his family repeat the charade because 'surely he's changed by now'. I was number 3, wish I'd listened to 1 & 2.

Moral of the story. Don't trust his family, at the very least get a Clare's law disclosure from the police & if his ex's give you warnings (even if they're indirect), listen to them!

Would anyone be saying this if the ex partner was a man?

There is a lot that people have said and assumed on here that I don't believe they would have if the ex partner was a man. Surely it's obvious this level of violence and volatility contributed enormously to the breakdown of their marriage?

There have been a lot of questions so I'll try to condense the answers. Yes she does have a good deal of support from her own family. Her sisters must have come to the same conclusion re the alcohol as they've been trying to talk her into AA for some time now. I think that would be a turning point for her as from what I can see all these incidents are drink related.

They have five kids together, three in their twenties and shared custody of two teenagers. There is nothing whatsoever "gleeful" about this situation; it is depressing, disturbing and unnerving and I don't even know how to respond to anyone who thinks I feel otherwise.

What I don't understand is why you're having a child with someone who currently 'shares a gang of kids with his ex', why would you want permanent ties to the person who seemingly doesn't support the mother of his 'gang'. And also why you won't say how many children he has

I understand your concern but I don’t understand why your boyfriend is happy for his children to remain living in such an unstable environment?

If she is scaring you then how must they feel?

You have said that your partners ex has:

sporadic and unpredictable drunken violent outbursts

So are your partner's children living with him full time then?

It feels like you've avoided answering that.

You don't have a duty of care to them, fair enough.

But your partner absolutely does.