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Original poster

I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

273 replies

LouiseCollina · 26/02/2020 15:07

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children! Shock

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
MzHz · 26/02/2020 18:09

999 is the number to call if you are concerned for anyone and their safety...

BritWifeinUSA · 26/02/2020 18:09

She must have been a wonderful person at one point. This man, whom you believe to be the best man in the world, chose her to be the mother of his children. On several occasions. If you think he makes poor relationship choices you might want to look at your own relationship.

You say get behavior contributed to the breakdown of their marriage. So by the time you came onto the scene, 2 years after they split (so presumably many years after she started to deteriorate), this was a well-established fact. He can’t even deal with his first family (where was he when she was overdosing and smashing glass around the children? Not caring for his children, that’s for sure!) but makes babies with you. You’re going to end up on your own. Good luck. You will need it.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 26/02/2020 18:10

I feel very sorry for the existing children. It must be awful having an unstable, violent mother and dad going off to start a new life & family with another woman.

Sorry but that’s how it’s coming across. Like he’s moved on with you Op and you’re both just trying to erase this woman from your lives.
Where do the kids feature in all this?

UYScuti · 26/02/2020 18:10

There is a lot that people have said and assumed on here that I don't believe they would have if the ex partner was a man
were the ex partner a man I doubt that the children would be a regular part of his life, deadbeat dysfunctional dads tend to be shunned and the mother (assuming she is decent and functional) would encourage the children to cut contact and look to her only as a parental figure.

hellcarryingahandbag · 26/02/2020 18:11

@LouiseCollina, everything I said would have remained the same regardless of sexes. It's true, the ex is an unhinged alcoholic druggie, and your partner is doing less than the bare minimum to break the vicious cycle of toxicity. Sorry to be harsh, I don't mean any harm, but it's the truth.

ShesCurly · 26/02/2020 18:14

There is a lot that people have said and assumed on here that I don't believe they would have if the ex partner was a man

Nope, sorry, not the case.

Because if the ex in question was a man I don't believe for a minute that a decent mum would still be happy to officially share custody with him and let the kids live with him any of the time, let alone half or more of the time.

Because every decent mum I know would be in court fighting to get their kids out of the home of an allegedly abusive, violent, volatile adult who abuses drink and prescription drugs.

Bellad19 · 26/02/2020 18:15

Sending love OP! This sounds like such a stressful situation especially with your pregnancy hormones in full swing!
The mum sounds unwell mentally, is anyone in a position to seek help for her? It sounds as if she really needs it! Not sure what the sitting room windows comment means but if any of the children still live with her do social services need to be alerted if there was violence involved?
As the children range from teens to adults can all contact be made with the children direct as to arranging for your husband to see them etc?
Sending love and hoping everything resolves soon and the mama manages to seek help for her mental health! X

JustKiddingBob · 26/02/2020 18:16

I think many people on here expect Saint like behaviour from people who've been treated awfully (especially if you're a second wife).

It sounds like she is in need of help for sure but I can totally understand why OP isn't talking about this woman in all sweetness and light. It's hard, to keep that up, when you're being abused, called a slut, whore, whatever....

OP, a lot of people here would have you believe that they, in the face of that, would be nothing but kind and caring, when in reality, most people would get to a stage where they had no time for the person either.

Bellad19 · 26/02/2020 18:16

I’ve just scrolled through some of the comments and picking up on what a couple of others have said, if alcohol and drug overdoses and violence are involved I would absolutely be alerting social services and encouraging your partner to apply to the courts for full custody until the mama can seek help for her mental health and is in a stable enough position for her children to go back to live with her?

datasgingercatspot · 26/02/2020 18:17

Who says The Jeremy Kyle show is dead?

JRUIN · 26/02/2020 18:19

I'm not quite sure of the point of your post is, other than to show your superiority by slagging off a woman who is suffering and obviously needs help. Just stay out of her way and continue being smug about being pregnant by a man who doesn't seem to give a shit about the kids he already has Confused

Zombiemum1946 · 26/02/2020 18:19

This woman sounds very unwell and needs urgent care. This is how my sil reacted to change when she's off her meds I understand your anger and worry, it's difficult to come to terms with the behaviour as being a result of illness. It sounds like she's not being treated or has gone of her meds. The kids may be staying because they feel they can't leave her like this. This will need to be done by family. I was told not engage with the behaviour, she was making horrendous accusations against everyone and phoned the maternity ward accusing them of kidnapping my baby. She was sectioned shortly after that, her mother had phoned the GP. It sounds like she's been unwell for a long-time and possibly not treated.Be strong, stand back and tell you dh he has to sort it with the kids. It's a nasty nasty illness that tries to destroy everything around the sufferer. It doesn't diminish the pain it's caused all of you, but it gives a reason for it. My sil is a lovely intelligent lady who is full of love when she's well, when ill the world terrifies her and change is almost intolerable for her. That's when the rage and anger kicks in. There will be a pattern to her illness progressing, it took us a long time to see it. Stay out of it as much as you can, not easy I know Your anger may take a while to subside as you have a baby to protect, but it will lessen. Wish you all well.

DingleberryRose · 26/02/2020 18:20

OP, your partner needs to learn how to use contraception!! When your baby is born he’ll have SIX kids!! Seriously!

3teens · 26/02/2020 18:23

@dingle so what? We have 8 between us!

Kanga83 · 26/02/2020 18:25

If he has shared custody then now is the time to apply for full custody and I'm sorry he has been utterly irresponsible in having a 6th. Not because he owes it to his ex, but because he should be the parent stepping up to his 5 who have an unwell mum and giving them stability and quite frankly his all. In the shared custody, how many nights exactly does he see them a week, and what does he do to help when they have to go back to their very unwell mum? I feel for all 5 children .

saraclara · 26/02/2020 18:29

I mean... there are SO MANY men on the planet (about 2.73 billion) and you choose one with a gaggle of children and an ex with what sounds like quite serious mental health issues!

I'm sure that any women here with children and an ex with mental health issues will be thrilled to know that they can forget ever having a relationship.

Frangipanini · 26/02/2020 18:29

Hmm, the ex wife is always crazy isn’t she? I wonder how all these men missed this when they married them and had DC with them.

TBH I can see why women feel stressed, overwhelmed and mentally fragile when their DHs skip off, responsibility free to shack up with someone else.

I’d show her some compassion. You never know, you could be her in a few years.

Frownette · 26/02/2020 18:30

MzHz finally, sounds like she needs medical attention esp with children in the house

starrysky1 · 26/02/2020 18:30

I feel for you. She sounds like a bitter nutjob! I was in a somewhat similar situation (except the children were younger and my DH was never married to psycho ex). It put a huge amount of strain on our marriage. The only way it was (partly) resolved was by DH cutting all contact with ex and children. We're married, we have a house together, we're on DC2 and the ex still causes trouble and arguments! She still wont't move on or let go. It seems to be her life's mission to break us up. Unfortunately she will probably succeed. My advice to you is run! Have your baby and ditch your partner! Find a new one without the baggage! Good Luck!

rwalker · 26/02/2020 18:31

You don't come across as judging just worried and frightened .
log it all with a police bit build a picture if anything happens.

If a man behaved like that he'd be called an abusive twat and told to leave him to it.

saraclara · 26/02/2020 18:32

Op the undertone of your post is one of glee.

@Bluntness100 I see it more as a woman desperately trying to make light of a scary situation.

Ginger1982 · 26/02/2020 18:32

"This pregnancy was unplanned,"

Aren't they all.

rvby · 26/02/2020 18:32

The only way it was (partly) resolved was by DH cutting all contact with ex and children.

@starrysky1 what a prince you have there, mazel tov to the happy couple etc

SudokuQueen · 26/02/2020 18:37

I don't think you sound gleeful either op. However I do think you've made a massive error.

Your partners ex is clearly an alcoholic, hence why she can regularly take drugs and alcohol together and only have an issue now and again. Her body is used to it, unless she accidentally goes over the limit it is used to. She needs help yes, but unless she asks for it, help is pointless. You can only help an addict if they want help. She is also violent, almost hurts her kids, and her children are so used to it they can easily ignore it now.

Now, based on that, how does your partner not have full custody? It would be very easy to achieve. Even easier years ago when the children were younger. Why did he never bother? Why doesn't he bother now?

Two answers to that. Either she isn't as bad as you claim, or he is a shit dad. I'm going to assume you aren't lying, so why have you gotten pregnant to a man who has already failed 5 of his children? Or at least 2 of them?

You've made a mistake in getting pregnant to him. And you'll always have her there, causing problems as well. You'll never escape it until she gets help. Which is unlikely.

Dontdisturbmenow · 26/02/2020 18:38

It never stop amazing me how much new partner seem to know about the ex despite no lost love!

You know how often she drinks vodka, that she regularly takes valium, even know that her sister has recently got her to go to AA.

Why are you showing such an interest in someone you want nothing to do with? Maybe if you backed off and stopped finding out so much info about her she'd leave you alone too?

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