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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help from fellow procastinating under achievers?

233 replies

Hingeandbracket · 26/02/2020 14:48

It started when I failed to do any work at University because there was no-one there to make me.

I have lurched through various jobs with varying degrees of success and or failure.

I berate myself for being lazy and disorganised - but surely it's not as simple as that.

Has anyone climbed out of the pit of their own despair in such circumstances and gone on to become Sir Richard Branson?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hingeandbracket · 27/02/2020 15:48

I have always fared better in jobs where stuff needed to be dealt with immediately. Unfortunately I keep getting moved on to other stuff.
Can't do any 999 type roles as I am too old and, ironically, tied to a big mortgage for another 7 years so need a lucrative gig - which I have but don't enjoy.
I guess I could downsize but that would make me (more) miserable so I feel totally trapped.

OP posts:
CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 27/02/2020 15:49

@AutumnRose1 that video on choices is great. It explains why I get so much anxiety when I go shopping. So much choice!

@CleopatrasMum I have scored high on that linked questionnaire. I just went looking for how much it costs to see someone privately and the prices are grim. Not sure my doctor will listen. I've had a hard time getting my fibromyalgia symptoms taken seriously and If I go in there with yet ANOTHER thing he'll probably just prescribe anti depressants.

I am so so grateful for all the replies on this thread though. OP you are a Star For the first time I think I might just not be an alien after all, I usually feel so different from everyone else.

bookiewook · 27/02/2020 15:54

Oh my god I feel like I've found my people :( I am incapable of motivating myself at the moment, I can distract myself until the cows come home. At the moment its mumsnet and a completely pointless game on my phone. Previously been insta, ebay, the Times, facebook, life admin, you name it.

Anyone got any tips, had any treatment etc? I was thinking of getting some executive coaching to help me at work, but I feel its completely pointless with the way I am. I think I need something more fundamental. I hate it!

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 27/02/2020 15:54

Also, anyone else good in a crisis? I'm good in a mini crisis, not one that needs sustained thought and effort.

I'm good in a crisis because it focuses my mind. Unfortunately I'm only good in a crisis. I was a high flyer when I worked in chaotic jobs where you basically ran from crisis to crisis (DWP/working with vulnerable people) but rubbish when there are periods of quiet. I struggle to focus unless the world is on fire.

I'm meandering through my 2nd University degree whilst a sahm. I'm on course for another 2.1 as I'm intelligent and when it's a day or two to deadline and I haven't started yet, I flip into crisis mode and produce something above average. Just don't seem to be able to do the sensible way.

Every so often, I wonder what I'd have achieved if I actually followed through on something. In my case I think it's hindered by so much self doubt/loathing. The more I think about things, the more I hate myself which isn't particularly helpful to achieving anything.

Original poster
Hingeandbracket · 27/02/2020 15:59

n my case I think it's hindered by so much self doubt/loathing. The more I think about things, the more I hate myself which isn't particularly helpful to achieving anything.

This really resonates with me - don't feel as if I have ever finished anything.

OP posts:
CleopatrasMum · 27/02/2020 16:01

@CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate my GP was brilliant. She looked about 12, and I wondered what she thought about a post-menopausal woman turning up and banging on about ADHD and online quizzes. But she made me complete a questionnaire and told me I was on the border for ADHD so she would refer me to the MH team. However, as I have hypothyroidism too, she wanted me to get my levels checked first to make sure that wasn't part of the problem. That is where I am stuck now as I keep forgetting to take my thyroxine (ADHD again (maybe)).

My point is, the NHS can be good - could you maybe try to find a different GP, within your surgery if possible? Maybe younger (if that is relevant) and more open to such diagnoses? Also go armed with reasons why you think you might have ADHD and be aware you may be asked why you actually want a diagnosis. I had thought about that one and in my case, I think my issues (whatever they stem from) are affecting my quality of life and that of my children quite badly for all sorts of reasons. So, I don't necessarily want to be medicated but to have counselling or other help to address the day to day issues I have could be life-changing (I hope).

But as I say, just knowing I am not alone has already helped hugely.

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 27/02/2020 16:14

@CleopatrasMum

I also have hypothyroidism and take Levo. I need that looked into better as that is also a never ending well and it can affect everything. Thyroxine unfortunately is only the basics.

Having said that I have had these issues since childhood, which makes me think that ADHD is a real possibility. Even before this thread I had often thought 'what the fuck is wrong with me' and 'why can't I function properly like every other woman? Why can't I pull myself together?'

AutumnRose1 · 27/02/2020 16:15

Arthur ASD has been mentioned to me before but I’ve done quizzes and don’t match at all.

I’m also good in a crisis, oddly.

Catherine I’m glad you found that helpful.

I think a lot of it for me, is about lack of habits. My father was a very successful man. If he was taken off track, it didn’t faze him because he could get back to homeostatis quickly. And he was often taken off track by his annoying poorly child 😂

He was a very disciplined man, which is what I lack. But he also enjoyed busyness, which I don’t.

BertieBotts · 27/02/2020 16:17

I take medication and it helps. Doesn't make me feel like a different person. Just me with less fuzz around the edges.

I also lowered my expectations for myself. Which helps.

I externalise certain processes too to I don't try to do them in my brain.

Sorry I can't explain further as I've had a job interview this afternoon and am mentally exhausted - which I now find is my normal and forgive myself for.

IrmaFayLear · 27/02/2020 16:26

Are we all a "term" or just facing a mid-life (hopeful...) crisis? I have always been a manana sort of person yet can knuckle down if required, but I think it's only now in my 50s when it's comfortably too late to do anything differently that I am thinking, I Have Coasted.

Most jobs - probably even a brain surgeon - are boring a lot of the time, and I suppose it's a type of arrogance thinking, "Oh, I'm not a routine person." Although to tell the truth I am not a routine person. Like others I've had enough of every job I've done after 5 minutes. And I'm not really a team player. I can walk the walk, but really I'd just rather take over and do things my way. And I've always only been able to do things under pressure, eg much better at exams than continuous assessment, and I just wrote a pretty good report, but only because I had put it off for weeks until I had only six hours in which to write and submit it.

tobee · 27/02/2020 16:31

@BertieBotts 🤞

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 27/02/2020 16:49

Also does anyone here find they learn less in group learning/working situations? Group situations paralyse my thinking ability even more

For e.g. I quilt. I taught myself how to do it. After some time self teaching I thought I'd sign up for a class. Duly went to class and performed terribly, I hated being under someone else direction, the set concentration. After that I continued doing stuff on my own and performed better. Happened again in a screen printing class. The irony here was I already knew something about it and had books on Japanese screen printing. I shared these with the class. I got very confused and stuck mentally during the class and could hardly perform the simple mark making activities. It was like I had a brain fuzz. One girl I gave my book to produced the most amazing screen print, she thanked me for giving her inspiration! While I barely produced a thing, but again back home I did better.

At uni we've had group work and I have hated it. In theory working as a group should be better no? Less decision making, being told what to do. But I don't thrive in those conditions. Same at work. Every job requires teamwork and I'm crap at it.

toomuchtooold · 27/02/2020 16:49

@BertieBotts that's really interesting, I've actually thought about paramedic as a career change once the kids are up, although I suspect I might be a bit old (by then if not now). I used to work in government statistics, which doesn't sound that thrilling but actually when it gets close to deadlines it's very fast moving and exciting, and yet you follow a process so there's not that (to me) difficulty of having to switch between creative and detail thinking, and also, if you lose your place, it's easier to find... I would recommend it to anyone.

Can I ask whether you were diagnosed in the UK or where you are now (same country as me IIRC?)

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 27/02/2020 16:50

I think I find it harder to concentrate with others around.

BertieBotts · 27/02/2020 16:59

I was diagnosed in Germany.

bookiewook · 27/02/2020 17:12

@bertiebotts what medication do you take?

Littleninja1 · 27/02/2020 17:26

This is me. Excelled at school when I had clear structure and strict parents. Fell apart at uni and have muddled along since. I have a good job but am in a strategic role which is so wrong for me. I can only work when given deadlines and clear direction. I can spend all day hopping between tasks. Some days I can't focus for even a minute. I know that sounds mad :( but even a few seconds and I'll be off googling the next thing that's popped into my head...

I just don't seem to have that ability to put my head down that those around me have. I can't absorb information from reading spreadsheets etc. I can talk the talk but feel I underperform :(

AutumnRose1 · 27/02/2020 17:37

Catherine I can't work or learn in a group. I suppose because it's all interactive.

I can learn from one lecturer talking or whatever, but everything seems to have an interactive format now and it drives me nuts.

IrmaFayLear · 27/02/2020 17:40

My dcs hate teamwork so I fear it's genetic!

And I agree AutumnRose1 that this seems to be a sacred attribute now and to admit you are better working alone would be application form/interview suicide.

tobee · 27/02/2020 18:05

But if group learning is tricky doesn't the alternative rely too much on self motivation? Or is solo learning with strict deadlines the only answer?

Trouble is when I go to group activities/classes I'd rather chat! Confused I can chat endlessly which I think can be another adhd sign. When I was about 8 years old I had a mobile hairdresser. The combination of hot hairdryer and me yakking away meant she'd have to go and have a sit down with a glass of cold water to recover Blush. When I'm feeling positive I hope people find me entertaining. But I'm probably mostly quite annoying. Sad

tobee · 27/02/2020 18:07

What annoys me about job adverts is they don't mean what they say often. For team player etc I think they often mean do what they're told by management and not be disloyal rather than do group thinking! I may be wrong.

tobee · 27/02/2020 18:08

Or team player = fill in at the drop of a hat if needed

AutumnRose1 · 27/02/2020 18:10

Anyone watch Not Going Out?

One of my favourite lines from Lee

“no “i” in team, no “f” in way”. 😂

Dusty01 · 27/02/2020 18:15

Also does anyone here find they learn less in group learning/working situations? Group situations paralyse my thinking ability even more

I also find this. But what is interesting about this whole thread - is that I looked into Home education for quite a while. I never tried it with my kids, but read loads about it. It's all about following the kids interests, passions and lead and letting them teach themselves skills.

I wonder whether we've all been paralysed by schools making us learn in a regimented, tick box, test fashion. If we could have learned from the start in an autonomous kind of way perhaps we'd be more motivated and self directed now.

MurrayTheMonk · 27/02/2020 18:26

I'm great in a crisis. I can't work well without an impending deadline. I manage care homes and whilst there are crisis situations there is also a lot of necessarily routine stuff which bores me to death. To the point that I lead it til the last minute at times to create my own sort of mini crisis. It's not ideal at all!!