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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for help from fellow procastinating under achievers?

233 replies

Hingeandbracket · 26/02/2020 14:48

It started when I failed to do any work at University because there was no-one there to make me.

I have lurched through various jobs with varying degrees of success and or failure.

I berate myself for being lazy and disorganised - but surely it's not as simple as that.

Has anyone climbed out of the pit of their own despair in such circumstances and gone on to become Sir Richard Branson?

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malificent7 · 27/02/2020 04:54

I work hard and still get nowhere career wise as i hate politics...wonder why i bother tbh! Confused

Daftodil · 27/02/2020 06:07

Wow, thanks for the links to those who posted them. I can identify with majority of the traits of ADD, but hadn't ever considered ADHD as an option as I suppose I thought ADHD was something that little boys who can't sit still deal with whereas I'm quite happy sitting still while my brain flits around.

SallyWD · 27/02/2020 06:14

I'm like this. I'm know I'm as intelligent as many of my friends who've gone on to have amazing careers - but I seem to lack any get up and go and have no ambition. I got mediocre exam results, a mediocre degree which I've never used. I've done mainly admin roles with many colleagues asking why I haven't done more with my life, that I have the ability to get a higher paid job. I've been with my husband for 17 years. He's a high achiever who earns a high salary. This has just allowed me to never push myself career wise. In my defence following a cancer diagnosis a few years ago I wanted my main focus in life to be the children so working part time in admin has enabled me to be there for them. My husband works long hours and I do 95% of the domestic chores so I don't think I'm lazy. It does bother me that I'm now 45 and haven't done more with my life. If my husband became sick or left me we'd struggle financially. He's currently stressed and wants a less stressful (lower paid) job and I don't blame him. It's made me realise we're all completely dependent on his wage and this wouldn't be the case if I earned more.

MurrayTheMonk · 27/02/2020 06:24

I have turned into a terrible procrastinator in recent years. When the DD's were small I was organised, focussed, ran the house and the things I managed at work like clockwork.It was very full on but it all got done with no bother.

Had a major bout of depression 4 years ago following marriage break up and now I'm the laziest time waster there is, despite being mentally much better.

I can't focus at work, house stuff is done to the bare minimum. I don't like myself being like this at all but I can't seem to change it, even though I'm not depressed per se any more-just lazy.

I too get very bored at work and so have moved around a lot in the last 8 years or so. I lack a bit of Confidence now as I'm not where I feel I should be career wise as a result.

I can only work well under pressure it seems...I'm still good in a crisis at work or home, but outside of that I seem to be drifting.

I will try the 15 minute thing described by PP above. I need to try something!!

Weirdomagnet · 27/02/2020 06:32

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

I'm going to hazard a guess PPs on this thread have a gazillion pages open on their phone etc right nowcough, mine's 56

Yes, hundreds!! I've definitely found my people!

Weirdomagnet · 27/02/2020 06:37

Jesus, @MayDayHelp. I've never felt more like I've discovered a group of people who actually get me. You are me to a T. I know I keep saying that! But it's TRUE. The relationship this as well- this is me, 100%.

If nothing else, it just feels good to know I'm not alone in this, and that there could be a possible physical cause, rather just that I'm utterly hopeless and impractical.

im2sexy4unow · 27/02/2020 06:38

Professionals have suggested I have ASC, however, I have never pursued assessment, largely because I am seen as the 'neurotypical' one in our family.

The possibility of a condition which is associated with executive dysfunction (leading to problems with focus, organisation, and so on) may explain my hopelessness at keeping things organised and tidy, at home or in the workplace (colleagues really found it hard to work with me because I left everything on my desktop or by my desk largely because if I put something out of sight (in a drawer) I forgot about it and partly because disrupting my train of thought to get something from a cabinet, risked me never getting back to the task in hand).

Yet, have you every stopped to question where this pressure to constantly drive ourselves to maximise performance and to optimise our potential comes from? Who or what is driving us to go against our natural rhythms?

I admit that having a cluttering, space hog in the office can be a problem, but the cluttering could be a sign that there were simply too many tasks to do simultaneously. If I had a job to do, I could do it and do it well. However, if a cluster of jobs were allocated, each to be prioritised, anxiety knocked my functioning for six.

Furthermore, the pressure to achieve at work and to excel academically, caused me to spend little quality time with my family. It is really the quality of the time that matters. Target given, outdated ideas about 'work ethics' have done nothing but make a large proportion of society feel like failures. We are not failures and we are not 'slaves' to media driven, corporate ideas about 'success'.

Weirdomagnet · 27/02/2020 06:40

Not that I'm self employed, but my point is I've always dreamed of being, as I am a terrible employee and I know it. Just CAN'T be on time, struggle to do what I know I should do in the way I should do it.

Palavah · 27/02/2020 06:44

Oh my goodness. This thread is such an eye-opener. I've just been feeling as though I'm failing at life and can't understand why as I did really well at school, great degree, always start well in jobs but massive impostor syndrome, have spent most of my life single, untidy, chronically late, struggle with intrinsic motivation, depression....

Anyone managed to get it under control with/without medication? Does CBT help?

toomuchtooold · 27/02/2020 06:44

suppose I thought ADHD was something that little boys who can't sit still deal with whereas I'm quite happy sitting still while my brain flits around

My 8yo DD has just been diagnosed with ADHD and the educational psychologist said it was very common for it to be missed in girls because they more often have the inattentive type - think disorganised dreamer rather than human bouncy ball Smile She has a little bit the thing of wanting to move around but it's mostly, as you say, being in her own world. For a long time (and I can thank her excellent primary school teachers that this has changed, they noticed it and they worked to find ways to get her more involved in the class) she just let stuff that she didn't understand wash over her. My dad was like that as well. As am I.

I'm thinking about trying to get diagnosed myself, but guess what I've not managed to get round to it yet. Being organised enough to get to all DDs appointments while arranging childcare for DD1 has been bad enough!

I was extremely self disciplined at school. it wasn't easy, but my.home life wasn't brilliant, and I was desperate to get out. Once I'd achieved my aim of survival though I found it incredibly hard to stay motivated. I worked in a lab for a long time and being able to get up and move about and do sort of mindless physical tasks helped a lot. I worked in an area of science where you didn't have to recall a lot of facts, which helped because I forget a lot of stuff or I remember but I'm not confident in my memory.

I ended up changing career and then DH lost his job and we had to relocate, with young twins, and I decided to stop working. We're OK for money and I'd love to do something creative but I struggle to stay motivated. I spend a lot of time.in my own, hiking. I love that, but I do feel like, is this it? I'm going to come back to this thread and read everything you've all written.

Fev11 · 27/02/2020 06:59

Place marking - this all sounds so familiar!

Weirdomagnet · 27/02/2020 07:00

Wise words, @im2sexy4unow

geojellyfish · 27/02/2020 09:07

Thank you Hinge for starting this thread. It feels like a lightbulb moment for me.

Like many here, I am fairly bright and enjoy learning/exploring, which masked my under-preparation through school, sixth form and university. Homework and coursework was avoided, or completed to a basic level at the last minute.

I feel like I've tricked my way through work. I have good ideas and the best intentions, but sadly I'm all too aware that I under deliver, unless the stakes are very high.

Before children I kept my home environment pretty organised (not personal paperwork or finances though), which provided a welcome retreat from a work life that often felt out of control. These days, with two children under four, I feel totally overwhelmed at home too. I'm struggling.

While I'm intrigued about ADHD, I'm not convinced it's applicable as I can concentrate when something is important to me and I have few other distractions. Still, it may be worth looking into. The procrastination link is relatable.

Actually this reminds me, does anyone else get so absorbed in what they are doing/thinking about, that they don't hear people trying to get their attention?

FuckityFuckit · 27/02/2020 09:44

I actually had this conversation with DH yesterday.

He's very motivated and career oriented. Loves what he does but dedicates all of his time to it basically.

That's never appealed to me. I don't envy the people who stay at work all hours, never leave it at the office, stressed, always thinking about the next promotion. It's not me. I just sort of float about doing my job and not really making any extra effort. Work is to pay my bills and that's it.

I'm quite family orientated though. Not that DH isn't but for me, having a family, home etc... Has always been far more important than building a career. Unfortunately we are now going through fertility issues/IVF etc so I don't have any space in my brain right now to really care about anything else.

DH thinks I'd be happier if I 'got stuck into' something I enjoyed doing but the thing he doesn't understand is, I've never had anything where I've thought that's it, that's what I want to do, that's where my passion is etc... Sure there's jobs I think, maybe I could do that, but I don't think there's any point going to uni or doing courses etc if I'm not really bothered about it. I'd never put the necessary work into something I'm not overly bothered about.

It does make me sad when I see my friends who just knew they wanted to do nursing, be in the police, work with animals, be a lawyer etc.. but I've never had that. I've never thought of a single job that I'd actually love to do, they are all just for convenience.

Hingeandbracket · 27/02/2020 09:47

I do feel there's a chance that I just don't fit in.

If I am honest, I am not convinced I want a diagnosis for a "condition" and drugs to "help" me become someone who isn't really me.

I am also aware of the supreme irony that I created a thread on MN so I can keep coming back to it when I should be doing other things.

DP is so resentful of the time I spend on here that I have stopped discussing it and try to hide it any time she approaches.

OP posts:
Hingeandbracket · 27/02/2020 09:49

I've never had anything where I've thought that's it, that's what I want to do, that's where my passion is etc...
I could have written this - not least because even at (very rare) times when I really start to enjoy something, I ALWAYS find something else to get interested in/sidetracked on.

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FuckityFuckit · 27/02/2020 09:52

To be fair, I think if someone had a gun to my head I'd have to say my passion is animals but for me that involves doing a lot of volunteer work at the shelters and rescues. It's not a career and I'm certainly not committed enough to go back to uni and become a vet (not that I'm that smart!) ether.

I do envy people like DH who just knew and went and didn't it. But I think you have to have that passion there first in order to be successful imo.

FuckityFuckit · 27/02/2020 09:52

Went and did it**

Hingeandbracket · 27/02/2020 09:59

About the only thing I am "passionate" (as it is compulsory to call it) is mucking about online and arguing with people online. And sadly there isn't a way to make a living at that.

I did wonder about offering a service translating nonsense that people write using autocorrect back to English, but then I realised no-one cares.

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FelicityFebruary · 27/02/2020 10:07

There is I would presume an upside to this type of "wiring" or it wouldn't have survived our tough evolution. This is how I reassure myself anyway.

Any one have any positives?

I think I am open to new experiences and people. Novel ideas too.

crimsonlake · 27/02/2020 10:08

I am a procrastinator I admit, however it only seems to apply to my personal life / home life. Although when I am at work I will admit to never having been ambitious, however I work hard and get things done.
At home I am the opposite, I put things off...housework, paperwork.
I am off this week and in my head I had some things planned, days out etc but have not got round to it. Instead I am happily pottering about at home and doing something of a spring clean. Problem is it is taking me until the afternoon to actually motivate myself to get started, though once begun I do crack on.

NotYourHun · 27/02/2020 10:11

This is why I will never be a matron/manager. I’ll be a band 6 forever and I’m totally at peace with it now.

ArriettyJones · 27/02/2020 10:14

There’s a huge difference between having a passion and going through the motions of school/uni/job/mortgage and so on.

Do you have a passion? Or a potential passion?

What jobs have you done? Did you enjoy them? It elements of them? Do you have a hobby or a secret ambition that could become a career?

ArriettyJones · 27/02/2020 10:18

About the only thing I am "passionate" (as it is compulsory to call it) is mucking about online and arguing with people online. And sadly there isn't a way to make a living at that.

Sorry,I missed half the thread Blush

What you’re really saying there is that you’re an ideas person and can see more than one angle on things.

If you want to make a big change, you will find a way.

Hingeandbracket · 27/02/2020 10:31

What you’re really saying there is that you’re an ideas person and can see more than one angle on things.

Thanks for seeing an angle on this - in 30+ years of work, I haven't been able to find a job where this was ever seen as an advantage or in any way worthwhile.

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