16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

I would continue with the gentle approach you’ve adopted.
Don’t force anything or make her feel shamed for not giving you the connection you want.
She’s a teenager and they are so difficult at best.
You’re not going anywhere and neither is she. She will come out of her shell with you as she comes out of teens and into her 20s.
Be consistent with your approach. It must be very very hard for all involved.

Well doing nothing clearly isn't working, so why not try building up some time together?

Because there is no way in the world imo that a teen who hasn't spoken to a step parent for 10 years is suddenly going to have a personality change to wanting to go on chummy 1 on 1 days out, that's crazy thinking imo.

OP and her DH bought a home together. The SD moved in with them.
Did they? Where did it say that? Where did the dd live before they bought their home? My bf has a 10-year-old daughter. When he and his exw broke up and moved into their new homes, their daughter didn't "move in" with them. She moved with them. Their homes are her homes.
Assuming that this girl's mum is now also living with a new dp, you're surely not saying that this girl has no home?

She's nearly an adult and this has gone on so long, it's not worth trying to correct.
Get your husband on the case if she's outright rude. Otherwise, I'd just leave her to it and ride it out. She'll be doing her own thing soon and you'll probably see less of her anyway.

@Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong I really feel for you, this must be horrible and make you feel unwelcome in your own home.

To be honest, I think at 16 it's reasonable to expect common courtesy from her at least.

Yes, she may wish that you weren't around (you in your position as her step-parent, not you personally) but you are and that won't change. So there needs to be some work by her father (and mother too if she's amenable) to get her to accept that.

Nobody is doing her any favours by letting her continue to live in this bubble where her stepmother doesn't really exist.

I blanked my mum’s partner for 18 years, from when he came on the scene when I was about 20 until my late 30s. He’s a perfectly nice bloke but the way my parents broke up and the way my mum handled introducing him into our lives was horrendous. I couldn’t cut my mum out of my life, but I needed her to know the way she had behaved wasn’t ok. Since she refused to discuss it or apologise, refusing to acknowledge him in anything but the most perfunctory way was my way of making it clear that the situation was unresolved even if my relationship with her was otherwise loving and functional.

Obviously in a sensible family dynamic we would have discussed our feelings and moved on but, well, that’s not how our family works.

What resolved things in the end was that I needed to plan a present for my mum for a landmark birthday and I called him to discuss arrangements. I think he nearly fell off his chair, but we were on the phone for the best part of an hour talking about how to make the gift work, and since then we’ve basically conversed like adults and been pretty friendly, with in jokes etc. To his credit he’s been entirely welcoming and nobody has mentioned the fact that suddenly we‘re on good terms after nearly 20 years of me freezing him out. Again, family dynamics are fucking weird.

I guess what I’m saying is that even if it’s been a decade with your stepdaughter it’s not too late, and if an opportunity presents itself, working together on something nice for your partner could be the icebreaker you need.

I think that she believes she's showing loyalty to her mum and is unlikely to change for a long time - it'll take her having her own relationships and branching out to friends who have step parents for her to change.

If she was very close to her dad when he lived with her and then there was just the two of them for that year before you met him, she will be jealous of you, too.

What happens if you do things together as a family? Rather than sending them to the cinema or bowling or whatever they do 1-1, do you get invited or get to choose to go with them or are you excluded?

I was very quiet(rude?) as a teen, not only to stepmum but with everyone except my close friends. Just relax around her..the harder you try the worse it will be. I hope your relationship improves.

I have learnt a lot from this thread, some just about how fixed people get on their own perspective. It is really important for children to feel that they are at home with both parents, and that the arrangements made are for their benefit, not the adults.
But I think it is also really important for them to understand that other people’s feelings are important and to respect them. We had a teenager come to live with us suddenly, and it was very very difficult for them. For about 2 months they lived like a ghost in ou4 house with a minimum of interaction.i so wanted them to feel at home, didn’t know how to help. Then one day the constant effort of banging my head against a brick wall got to me, and I suggested that unless they put more in to our family, they were never going to feel at home, and that we needed more involvement, help with cooking or washing up, time spent together, and reciprocity, that they needed to also ask about our day, and be mindful of our feelings.
It was the best thing I could have done, from that day, their depression and numbness began to lift, and 2 years on we have a lively happy teenager, with no depression or social anxiety, a bunch of friends and a bright future.
So I do think that the posters who are saying to leave the girl alone, and that she is entitled to dislike you, and that you have no right to impose yourself on her, are missing that this behaviour won’t be making her happy, either.
I think her father needs to talk this through with her, but I also think that you could write her a note and tell her that you would love to have an easier relationship with her. Maybe one of you could also have a chat with her dm, she may have something helpful to offer?
Best of luck. You are clearly sensitive and kind. Improving this relationship will benefit everyone.

I think that you've had some good advice. Your h is the massive problem here. He should have tackled this years ago and it's totally unfair that you've been forced to cope with this behavior because he's scared that he'll be treated like this if he says something,

I think that it's very possible that it's not personal and she is like this with teachers at school too and that in her mind, answering questions (even with a one word answer) constitutes being polite enough. Quite rightly she'd think that she was doing fine if Dad hadn't said anything

I think that you're well past the going shopping stage and that she's tolerating you because you're Dad's wife and even if her Dad had married Mary Poppins she'd still feel the same. Lack of eye contact is rude but it's also a sign of not wanting to talk to someone and artificially creating a situation where she'd have to talk to you is awkward after all these years.

Totally agree to avoid small talk with teens about school and their friends. If she doesn't like you much then she may be guarding her privacy. I have 3 kids and 1 tells me the ina and outs of her friends but the other 2 only mention their friends when an anecdote cals for it and it's out of the blue. So we might be taking about eating out at the weekend and they might chime in with their friend posting a pic of a massive sundae at X restaurant. Music, tv, food are safer topics.

Is she likely to go to university in 2 years?

I was almost identical to my dads girlfriend - although they didn't live together she would still be there a lot of the time. I didn't speak to her because I didn't think I owed her anything - it probably came across as very rude in fact I know it did but in my mind it was my house and she was someone I hadn't chosen to be there and didn't think I needed to make the effort.
It all changed when I was about 18 and we started having a little glass of wine or a beer together and loosened up a little. I see her less regularly now and I suppose we get on well when i do - not wonderfully but we do have an interest in each others lives

Maybe its nothing to do with you being the step mother as such maybe shes just uncomfortable around you and its gone on for so long that now thats just how it is? She struggled with you coming in and now its just stuck like that? If she really had an issue then surely she wouldnt speak to you at all and would play up or maybe not even come round?

I'm a grown adult and I find it very hard to open to new people and if it doesn't naturally happen after a while it just sort of stays like that. I could be open and friendly with a close few people but then struggle a lot with others.

@LangSpartacusCleg Not making eye contact whilst in normal conversation is generally considered rude in the western world. Rude behaviour in children (including teenagers) should be corrected.

Forcing eye contact can be painful for some. There is actually no need for eye contact during conversation.

I'm at the start of this process OP as my OH has a young daughter. It's different for me as I don't live with them and probably never will. My OH and I just think it's better at least for the short- to medium- term not to move in together so if we do, I expect it will be once his daughter is a young adult.

The best advice I got was that she needs to feel that I'm adding something to her life, not taking it away. I found watching TV with her really useful as I will watch things her dad's not bothered by. She can explain plotlines to me as it tends to be something she likes and is watching on repeat. It's not pressured and it's something her dad doesn't do so she values my company. I also cook for her and her dad quite a lot as to me sharing food is important. She's a picky eater and appreciates me taking the time to make stuff she enjoys.

So really it was non-pressurised, low-key ways of sharing things with her. It is early days but we do get on well. It is also as PP have said about having boundaries. There is stuff she and her dad do together and I don't get involved with, things that all 3 of us enjoy and then things she and I do together. I think if you make small changes you can start to turn this around so you have a friendlier relationship.

@Zebracat That method worked for you, but might not work for everyone. I think I would have found being "made" to interact hard as a teenager - I would have done what I was told, but secretly hated it - and would probably have responded better to someone acknowledging my feelings. I also had a stepdad, and didn't find his presence unpleasant at all. Maybe because when we first met, he acted as if he was entering my family, not the other way round.

OneForMeToo what an odd thing to say! No, of course she didn't pick her stepmum - very few stepchildren would be able to. But she is now 16 and almost an adult. Her stepmum has been in a committed relationship with her dad for ten years (unless I've misread posts) and this is clearly now a part of her life she has to accept, just as she has to accept that her parents separated. This is part of her extended family and at that age I'd bloody well expect a teenager to make a bit more of an effort to be civil, at least. It isn't in the LEAST like 'not having to like work colleagues' FFS.

No, it's not like not having to get on with work colleagues. It's like not having to get on with your parents or siblings. Or not having to get on with your MIL. Plenty of adults on MN being told by other adults that they should go NC with people much closer than a SM because they don't have to get on with people.

Is she being rude to you? My 16 year old neice is like this too. She only speaks if directly spoken to, avoids eye contact etc. Just put it down to being a bit of a shy 16 year old. I can imagine she's not shy around her friends though.

and yet if op dare say that this teenager who wont give her the time of day isn't her family, she'd get ripped to shreds, wouldn't she?

Not necessarily, it depends on the situation. If you move in with a partner who has kids you do have to fully accept them as a part of his/her life and therefore a necessary part of yours. I don’t think the onus is (or should be) on children to do the same thing when they already have two parents and don’t need or want a third.

You can’t divide and conquer as the new partner coming into an established parent/child relationship. You need to find a space for yourself within it, and how involved or close that is with the children should depend on what they want, not what you want. They were there first.

HRTFT - Not acceptable , she’s old enough not to be acting like a petulant child and her dad needs to be trying to fix this rather than the odd little chat .
It’s rude

She sounds like she is carrying some sort of baggage from her parents splitting up, and as she has got older it’s magnified. Building a relationship would have been better ten years ago, young children quickly adapt, particularly if they enjoy themselves. Teenage years are going to be the worst, all that insecurity, hormone levels, developing adulthood. I don’t think it’s valuable at this time to apportion blame, it’s just old history really. I wouldn’t try too hard with her, but just get on with your day, let her get on with hers. If she picks up on signals, body language that she is getting a reaction, then it might just make it worse. Some people just grow up sulky, irrationally incommunicative, feel the need to constantly feed a perceived grievance. (I had to deal with such a work colleague for five years, a lot older than your SD.) Make sure she is still welcome, cover the basic welfare needs, ignore the uncommunicative behaviour, and show her how a friendly, well balanced adult behaves. Hopefully she will grow out of it. Not worth involving your OH, that’s playing right into her hands. If she ups the anti into outright nastiness and bad behaviour, that’s the time to get tough.

He’s a perfectly nice bloke but the way my parents broke up and the way my mum handled introducing him into our lives was horrendous. I couldn’t cut my mum out of my life, but I needed her to know the way she had behaved wasn’t ok. Since she refused to discuss it or apologise, refusing to acknowledge him in anything but the most perfunctory way was my way of making it clear that the situation was unresolved even if my relationship with her was otherwise loving and functional.

I can completely identify with that.

I'm not sure your DSD is being rude or it's just that she doesn't feel comfortable with you, which is a bit strange after 10 years! Do you think that you might be so conscious of letting her and her DF have one to one time together that you've stepped back just a bit too far? Maybe in her child's mind she sees that as a sign that you don't really like her. If she were your biological daughter you would speak to her about her attitude wouldn't you? Why don't you do that? You could treat her to a girls day out, doing something you know she'd enjoy. Let her know you like her as opposed to just putting up with her because you have to.

I think its totally unacceptable and her Father should have been a proper Father and not allowed this to happen. You are being disrespected by not only your Step Daughter but also by your Husband. It needs to stop so put your foot down with both and don't let it continue.