16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

the bitter ex wives advising me I have to leave
Can't see anyone suggesting that?

OP I can understand if you feel that people in general misrepresent stepmothers, as that's certainly true, generally.

But the comments saying that a father has to prioritise his child were aimed at the posters saying your SD should be chucked out of her home if she isn't more sociable. They weren't aimed at you, or suggesting that you thought she should be chucked out.

I'm in two minds here.

1. When a woman comes on here and wants to move in with her partner but the children don't like him/don't want to, she is advised to put her children first. Carry on the relationship but don't try and play Happy Families. Because men aren't always the RP they blithely go and move in and expect their DC to just be happy to go and stay with him and new partner whether they want to or not. And it isn't always made clear that that is their home too.

2. In this case the father has let this situation develop over the years, having made the decision to move in with the OP. So as it's a Done Deal there is definitely a DP problem. He shouldn't allow his daughter to be so rude.

However... I can't imagine how uncomfortable the DSD feels having to be somewhere she doesn't seem to want to be just so she can spend time with her dad.

Frankly I think it's way too late to do anything about it. No amount of shopping trips/films/'bonding' sessions will make an iota of difference.

Eventually she won't want to visit and will see her dad occasionally outside the home. I do think he needs to have a chat about manners though. She should be civil.

I never said the child would hate them. Just that if you want to develop some kind of rapport with anyone you have to actually make some effort; it doesn't just happen, especially with children.

If the OP was happy with the situation then crack on. Her DSD lives nearly half her time there and the OP hasn't said that she treats the OP like a skivvy, so it's an arrangement that works.

The OP isn't happy with it, which is why I suggested that maybe she's left it too long for a change to happen quickly.

There is such a thing as trying too hard to get close. If you're not close to someone the last thing you want is lots of personal questions. My MIL has always been like that and I end up feeling that it's an intrusion, or else it felt like 'Twenty Questions'.

You need to start doing things with your DSD, not just asking her questions. It might be making her feel uncomfortable.

I don't know that she hasn't, I'm going by what she's said on here. I think it sounds as if she had the best of intentions, wanting to allow her DH to have one to one time with her DD. I'm talking about how it might look to a child anyway, not what the actual facts were. Her DSD was 6 when the OP first knew her. My DD2 is 7 and, believe me, there's a big difference in how she sees things and the actual truth.

Either way, I think the OP is going about it the wrong way now.

I'm trying to be helpful, not to be nasty at all. The defensiveness on this thread is astonishing.

@Fiberoptic I've reported your posts insisting that @sendhelpppppp and the OP are one and the same. So we'll let MNHQ be the judge not you.

It's getting boring. There are plenty of people who disagree with you, and who are angry after years of step-parenting. Why your insistence on saying they're one and the same?

I agree that the anger is OTT. We're not allowed to offer what are meant to be helpful suggestions now?

When her dad speaks to her about this, what is her response? Has she said why she behaves like this?

For full disclosure, I'm an ex-wife, a stepdaughter AND a semi-stepmum, so NONE of my advice should be followed.

This girl was 6 yrs old when she started staying in your house? So your relationship with her started with then. I'm wondering why you stopped joining in with their events? What types of feelings had you then?
To her it may seem that you weren't interested in getting to know her and that you choose to exclude yourself from their company.
"They have similar interests. I joined them initially but mostly let them do their thing.