16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

Not a lot you can do if she just doesn’t like you OP

Do you have a good relationship with her mum? Just wondering if she could somehow help break the ice a bit, even if it is just by you and her chatting in a friendly way about something the DSD might be interested to indicate that the mum doesn't see you as the enemy.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

Do you mean if my own DD treated me this way, or if it was my DD treating her step parent this way? If it’s the latter, well there’s a difference between being openly hostile and verbally unpleasant and merely not being interested in bonding with you. I would not force her to do the second, but I would take her (gently) to task for the first.

Children with step parents are in a very different category to other people generally. I don’t think you can judge their behaviour by the same standards of others when in the company of people they are forced to spend time with, such as in laws or colleagues. There is a whole different, complicated dynamic going on. They can struggle internally in ways that their parents and step parents can’t understand or refuse to acknowledge.

Much of what you’ve described is pretty typical of teenagers to be honest. You say it’s been worse in the last two years, well that’s puberty for you. It might be personal to an extent, but don’t imagine it’s all about you. Sixteen years are just like that sometimes.

I would stop trying to force it and give her the space she obviously wants. Don’t bother trying to engage her in conversation. Remain pleasant and neutral toned when you do need to speak to her, but don’t instigate chummy conversation and don’t react if you get cold shouldered. For teenagers there is nothing worse than an adult trying too hard to be matey with them when all the signals are LEAVE ME ALONE I’M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS.

After 10 years and with her now in her teenage years, don’t bother. Stop talking to her through doors, stop making the effort.
She knows she is being rude but she won’t change now. Let your dh do the communicating for you.

I would say to her something like:

I know talking to me probably makes you feel you are being disloyal to your mum, and I've always stood back, not wanting to get in the way of your time with your dad, and not wanting to make you feel like I was trying to be your mum, because you already have a great mum.

But at the same time, I've known you for a long time now, and I just wanted to say that I love and care a great deal about you and I am also here for you, if you ever want anything, and if you don't, that's fine too.

She may well harrumph off into another room or even be rude, but the message will have gone in. It opens a door. Then you have to keep showing you care through kind words and deeds, don't force conversations, continue to let her have time with her dad. Eventually, as she matures you may start to have an easier relationship, a sort of common understanding that isn't based on total avoidance. You may never be best friends, your personalities may clash, but it should become easier. And without this effort on your part to be the adult, and be the bigger person, it may well become harder. Good luck, OP.

To answer your question - if that was my daughter I would be trying to find out what is wrong not enforcing respect.

To try to find out what is wrong - I would not ask what is wrong! I’d talk about mutual interests, TV, sport etc. As a previous poster said, things that don’t require much thought or ‘risk’. I’d try to see if it happened more or less after certain triggers and talk to her Dad about ways you can both try to build your bond with her.

If I was her mother and knew this was going on I'd take her to therapy. Not because I think she should speak to you, although I do. I'd take her because I wouldn't want my child to have such a ball of..anger? Hatred? Resentment?Unhappiness? active within her for so long. Whatever is causing it is not a good feeling and I wouldn't want my child to be growing up with that feeling being a constant in her life.

My goal in that would be initially that she can feel better by untangling it and secondly that the result of that would be she felt more at ease with you, even if she never really likes you. To restrict yourself to one word answers from ages 6 to 16 with only one person is not healthy for the child.

All this assumes you've genuinely done nothing to warrant it. If you had then if it wasn't illegal/abusive, then I may want you in the therapy at some point too, if DD wanted.

I wonder if tackling it via her dad is the way to go - that it's not healthy. Does her mother know?

The other thing is - hang on I'll start a new comment, this is long enough

The other thing is that giving one word answers and ignoring you is a power play. She's showing that you're less important than her, which is reinforced by her having lots of 1 on 1 time with her dad (in itself good) AND him allowing her to treat you like this. She may see herself as next to her dad and that place threatened by you, so she pushes you out - all in an unresolved 6 year old child way.

I think your DH needs to be on the case about this, not you. You are a partnership and this isn't for you to solve or deal with alone.

It sounds as though your stepdaughter is still very hurt by her parents separation. It's completely illogical, since you did not cause them to split, but you are the target of all her anger. It will be subconscious to her for the most part, definitely difficult for her to understand what she's doing and why- she is still young.
Add in the usual stormy teenage brain/ emotions- and this is what you've got. Some people avoid confrontation so her anger is expressed by not speaking. She's so angry she can't speak kind of thing. When we say we hate someone, we usually mean we are hurt.
PPs advice of keeping to frequent but very very neutral, practical, impersonal interactions is good.

She's 16 years old and old enough to know her behaviour is unacceptable. She chooses to be rude and unpleasant.

Your DH needs to step up and tell her to make an effort to be polite.

She knows she is being rude but she won’t change now

Not true. I have a stepson (and my own son who lives with us) and I am not the OW, there was about 6 years between split and me.

At first he was fine, very young and happy to go with our house rules which were stricter than his home but then at about 12 he changed and I spent the next 5 years being ignored and sneered at, lots of rolling eyes and spectacular rudeness. I responded by being exactly the same as I always had been. Chatty, generous, kind (despite never getting any thanks at all) and still requiring basic table manners etc. I organised events and ensured he had quality time alone with his dad as well as with all four of us.

Then at 17 it changed. We have no idea why (suspect girlfriend had a hand in it as she witnessed his unwarranted attitude to me) but it was almost overnight. Now, when with us he has conversations, he is thoughtful, he even goes to make himself tea and asks if I want one. A year on, he is a pleasure to be with, fantastic sense of humour and very thoughtful. His relationship with his dad is incredible and he often phones him for advice and they talk it through. I am very proud of him now.

Consistent rules and boundaries, enforced but with kindness, and clarity so he knew what was expected of him, were key. Teenagers have a tough time navigating their feelings, so keeping a stable framework they know they can rely on is important. I cried a lot in the process but my OH was brilliant and we were a team who talked about how to get through it together.

It takes time, but it will usually get there.

I can’t believe your husband has let this go on for so long.

It may not be specific to you OP. Maybe she has difficulties with social communication generally, it's just that you aren't around in other situations to observe it.
I'd agree with PPs who have suggested finding something to 'bond' over, even if it's a TV programme to chat about.

No advice here but I sympathise - I have similar with my DSCs. Their mum discouraged any sort of relationship developing and is quite open about having told them that they don’t have to talk to me if they don’t want to (I’m not the OW). DP doesn’t want to upset them so doesn’t address it. Sadly they seem to report back to their Mum on everything that happens during visits and if I try to make a conversation, she finds reasons, however trivial or out of context (or completely made up), to interpret my attempts as rude. If I don’t try, I’m ‘unwelcoming’.

Every 6 months or so she will call DP and try to break us up by questioning why is he with someone whom her children don’t like. It’s been almost a decade and I resigned - they will grow up eventually and will either see through it and come around or at least we won’t be locked in the visitation cycle and I won’t have to see them much. I used to blame myself a lot but the sad fact is, if the mother doesn’t support the relationship and the father doesn’t support the stepmum, a good let alone close relationship is unlikely.

That’s not to say ignore her back - keep chipping away with small gestures, stock up on her favourite food, keep track of what’s going on in her life and acknowledge it, schedule regular activities for the 3 of you that don’t require too much talking (walk, board game, movie). Most importantly, don’t put yourself under too much pressure and don’t blame yourself - it takes two (and in step relationships, 3-4) to tango xx

Have you tried inviting her to get things done with you?

I'm not sure of her interests but how would she feel about getting her nails done or seeing a film at the cinema? What about shopping or watching a band?

I'd just start casual with something like "I'm booking my nails done for this weekend. Would you like yours done too?"

You can't force anyone to have a conversation with you but I agree that any direct rudeness needs to be dealt with gently and firmly and consistently.

I'm with mummyslittledragon (sorry if I got the name wrong).
Id have an adult conversation and then offer to spend some one on one time at a fun girly activity, like a pamper session or spa or something like that or whatever you think she would like. After acknowledging the past, say you want to change it and then keep conversations open and light and fun. She's seen you as the caregiver, almost in competition to your mum, so show her the other side of you, the friend side. We'll done for trying to change it x

I would say something. Not in an emotional way. I would talk to her, even if it's through the bedroom door - possibly it would be better to do it that way rather than face to face.

I'd say... for 12 years you've side-lined me, talking to me only if it's absolutely necessary, making little to no eye contact. I say this in a non-judgemental way as you have your reasons for doing this.

Maybe you think or have thought that I'm responsible for your parents splitting up. I'm not. That all happened before I came along.

Maybe you just don't like me. That's fine too. I don't like everyone I have to interact with. That's life. I respect it's your choice.

The reason I'm saying this is because I wonder if you realise just how much mental energy you are expending - how much effort it takes on your part to consciously blank me out?

Have a think about it. I know you've got the emotional intelligence to get the gist of what I'm saying.

You don't have to change if you don't want to.

Your Dad wants only for you to be comfortable here. And, strange as it may sound to your ears, so do I. I'm not looking to play happy families I just want your time living in your home here to be less hard work for you. If nothing changes I can live with it. As I say, this is about you. (There's a cup of tea/coffee in the kitchen if you fancy it.)

Does she like anything like baking ? Some side to side contact might be a good option here?

This happens typically when the child doesn't like, or very much dislike the adult. In their view, it is better to ignore than to confront, better of two evils, because being nice and pleasant is beyond what they can do.

Your SD doesn't like you for whatever reason. It could be because of things you've done, or because of your personality, or both.

I expect your OH knows this, and maybe agree with her reasons for some extent, hence doing nothing.

Maybe it really is better that way. You can't force someone to like you and what's the point o for hypocritical conversation?

My outside perspective is that this is not personal or about you, and she may lack the insight to know that - I was very hurt by my father's divorce from my Mum and his separation from his next partner whose family I had got close to. I was distant and cold with the actually perfectly nice woman he was with next. I didn't want to get attached again. Or hurt again

100% what cattle and boom said. I'm saying this as the step daughter whose had 2 step dad's. It was never my home it was always mums and her dhs home or my dad's home. It was always you are at my house tonight. Never our house. That spoke volumes to me as a person and my value

She sounds like a brat, why has her dad not had serious words over her behaviour? She literally comes to your house and is rude and obnoxious, would any other parent allow their child to get away with that with anyone, never mind in their own home with their wife?

Your husband needs to deal with this, I can’t believe he hasn’t. On the plus side, hopefully she’ll be off to uni in 2 years time far far away so all contact will be reduced. I get on great my my parents but only really ever came home 3 times a year!

I honestly believe that the best way to ruin the life of a child of divorced parents, it is for the parents to over compensate and allow them to be nasty and rude because they may be upset about divorce.

I’m of the idea that you should accept step children as if they were your own kids, give them the love and respect they need but don’t take any shit from them you wouldn’t take from your own kids.

I think what you are enduring is teenage, made worse by the fact her dad has tolerated her being hostile to you for years. I admit that my son would have been happy staying in his bedroom and only coming down for dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and disappear into his room after a quick thank you but as he is growing into an adult... I felt the need to teach him it was not all about his needs and preferences. He needs to be part of the family who is supporting him and do things for him, he needs to be considerate in the same way the rest of us are towards him. I started by telling him that the house was not a restaurant and if he wanted me to cook, I expected him to keep me company while I cooked and do the washing up. As strange as it may seem, we need to keep the conversation going with teens to keep them safe.

Totally agree with HAhelp101 I was the step daughter and it never felt like my home it was always DF and SM home, I was the visitor only

My kids, who I have a perfectly good relationship with, spend their evenings in their room. I rarely see them. We never have 'chats' about school or friends. From what I hear, this is pretty much the norm for many teens
We chat in the car (parallel sitting,no eye contact) when going to and from their hobbies. We also chat via whatsapp - photos, memes, quick hellos
If it wasnt for the empty fridge and piles of washing, I wouldn't know I had kids