16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

@Seaweed42 I said the same thing and was slated for it. I have a DD of 7 and her perception of things is very different to an adult's. My DM used to make that mistake. You need to think like an anxious 6 year old not an adult who knows what's happening.

I assume that when people post they want constructive help, not just cheer leaders agreeing that they're absolutely right.

I know I'm not. I've asked advice about my adopted DDs; I wanted advice not cheer leaders.

This girl was 6 yrs old when she started staying in your house? So your relationship with her started with then. I'm wondering why you stopped joining in with their events? What types of feelings had you then?

I think she was slightly older. Her parents split when she was 6. The OP said there was a gap of a year before she came on the scene and presumably/ hopefully some time before she met the daughter and longer before she moved in with the father. But yes, we're still talking 8-9 years of this, and starting with a young child.

Frankly, things change when they get this old, if you give a teen the option of meeting with a parent for dinner or spend a glorious whole weekend in their company, I’m pretty sure the bog standard teen would choose the one with less time with the parent.

So it is not outlandish to suggest that if she hates it at OP’s house, she doesn’t need to stay there if she doesn’t want to.

Hi OP. I would ask her gently - but directly - if there's anything wrong. Talk to her. My children have a very uninvolved stepmother (seems ridiculous to call her that, as she is so incredibly hands-off!), and on the rare occasion they do anything wrong, she asks their dad to pull them up on it. Even though they've known her for years. They have no respect for her when she does this. Your stepdaughter is definitely old enough now to be able to express her feelings, even if she might not find it easy.

Also, do you spend any time with her at all? Not judging btw, just asking